The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (21 page)

had several different variations of the simple expression, “Dad!” One

“Dad!” meant I’m excited and want to show you something. Another

“Dad!” meant I want assistance because my brother is teasing me. And

yet a third “Dad!” (during her teen years) meant, “Cool it, oldtimer, you’re

embarrassing me in public!”

Parents have different voices too; the voice we’re concerned about

here is called “chorevoice.” Chorevoice has a quality of “You’re not doing

what I expect and it’s really irritating and what’s the matter with you and

when are you going to learn...” etc., etc. Chorevoice has an aggravated,

nagging and anxious tone that most children themselves find aggravating.

When this parental tone of voice is coupled with a request, therefore, it

makes cooperation less likely because you are now asking an angry child

to cooperate.

A good antidote to chorevoice is a businesslike, matter-of-fact pre-

sentation. “John, it is now time to start your homework” or “Taylor,

bedtime.” This tone of voice implies, “You may not like this but it’s got

to be done now.” Testing is much less likely when requests are made in

a matter-of-fact way, but—believe it or not—the mere tone of voice can

also say, “If you test or push me, you’ll get counted.”

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The
spontaneity
of a parental request can also be a cooperation killer.

Your son is outside playing baseball with some friends. You go to the front

door and ask him if he’d come in and take out the garbage. He blows his

stack and you think, “What is the big deal?” You are correct that your boy

overreacted, but the big deal was not the garbage. The big deal to him

was the spontaneity. What do you expect the youngster to say, “Thanks

for offering me this opportunity to be of service to the family”?

No one likes spur-of-the-moment interruptions that involve unpleas-

ant tasks. You don’t like them either, but you are often stuck with such

intrusions. But we’re not talking about getting you to cooperate here,

we’re talking about getting your kids to cooperate. And we’re also not

saying your children shouldn’t have chores to do. They
should
help out

around the house. The point is this: Try to structure these tasks so that

spontaneous requests are seldom necessary.

Finally, the phrasing of a request can also make a difference in how

kids respond. Phrasing a request as a question and adding the ridiculous

“we” to the statement will often insure noncompliance or testing and

manipulation. A super-sweet “Don’t we think it’s about time to start

our homework?” for example, is almost guaranteed to elicit a negative

response. “I want your schoolwork complete by five o’clock” is better.

What if, in spite of everything, your simple request still does no good?

We’ll come back to that question after we’ve discussed several other Start

behavior options.

3. Kitchen Timers

Kitchen timers are wonderful devices for encouraging good behavior in

children. The ones I think are most useful are the sixty-minute, wind-up

variety, though many other kinds exist. The people who manufacture

timers think they’re for baking cakes. They’re not—timers are for raising

kids! Kitchen timers can be a great help for just about any Start behavior,

whether it’s picking up, feeding the fish, getting up in the morning, tak-

ing the garbage out or going to bed. Kids, especially the younger ones,

have a natural tendency to want to beat a ticking mechanical device. The

problem then becomes a case of man against machine (rather than child

against parent).

7 START BEHAVIOR TACTICS 117

These portable motivational gadgets can also be used, if you like,

to time the time outs themselves. Many kids actually prefer doing the

time out with a timer. You can also take timers in the car with you and

use them—as we’ll see later—to help control sibling rivalry. Timers can

be part of routines for bedtime or bath time or getting up and out in the

morning.

Timers also can sometimes soften the blow of unavoidable spontaneous

requests. A friend of yours calls and says she’ll be over in fifteen minutes.

You say to your five-year-old daughter, “You’ve got three things in the

kitchen I would like picked up and put in your room. I’m setting the timer

for ten minutes and I’ll bet you can’t beat it!”

Her response will often be, “Oh yes I can!” and the youngster will be

hurrying off to do the job. You could take this same approach to get an

eleven-year-old to pick up, but you would phrase your request in a more

matter-of-fact manner. If the child doesn’t respond before the timer dings,

you can use the Docking System or a version of natural consequences

(see below).

Kitchen timers are also effective because they are not testable. Ma-

chines cannot be emotionally manipulated. Imagine you had to remind

your son to call his grandmother to thank her for the birthday present she

mailed. Your son balks, so you set the timer for ten minutes. The boy’s

response is “This is stupid!” (Testing Tactic # 2, temper). Your response

is silence. The timer’s response is tick, tick, tick.

4. The Docking System

The principle of docking wages is this: If you don’t do the work, you don’t

get paid. The basic idea of the Docking System is similar: If you don’t

do the work, I’ll do it for you and you’ll pay me. The Docking System is

for children who are kindergarten age or above.

This plan, of course, requires that the kids first have a source of funds

from an allowance, work around the house, birthday gifts or some other

financial reservoir. You can consider starting an allowance with children

who are about five years old or more. The payment doesn’t have to be

anything large, but it’s a good idea to have half of it based on completing

jobs around the house (e.g., cleaning the bedroom, chores, homework).

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The other half is simply given to the child because he is part of the

family—and also so you are sure you have some leverage when it comes

time to use the Docking procedure.

Let’s imagine you’ve been having discussions with your nine-year-old

son about getting a dog. The child wants the dog, but you wisely object

that you’re concerned he won’t feed it properly. Let’s assume you get the

dog (partly because you want one, too).

Quik Tip…

You then tell the child what the deal will be.

He’s nine and gets about $3 per week allowance.

With the

Docking System, You want the dog fed after 6:00 each night. If

you tell the kids, “I

he feeds the dog then, fine. If he doesn’t get to

have good news and bad

feeding the dog soon after 6:00, you have good

news.” The good news is

news and bad news. The good news is that you

that if you forget a chore,

I’ll do it for you. The bad

will feed the dog for the boy. The bad news is

news is that you’re going

that you charge to feed other people’s dogs, and

to pay me for helping you

for this mutt it will be 15 cents per feeding taken

out. Then tell them the

off your son’s $3 allowance. The child readily

exact amount involved.

agrees, since he’s so happy about getting the dog

to begin with.

Here’s how events might play out. The first night you’re in the kitchen

making dinner, it’s 6:10, there’s no one around, and the dog’s hungry. You

wait. At quarter after your son comes running in asking if you fed the

dog. You say, “No.” He says, “Good!” and he feeds the dog. You praise

the boy, “Hey, great job! That dog was sure happy to see you.”

The second night you’re in the kitchen and it’s 6:20. The dog is looking

hungry, but you wait. Now it’s 6:30 and the dog is licking your legs! So

you finally feed the hungry animal. At 6:40 your boy comes running in:

“Did you feed the dog?”

“Yes, I did. I charged you 15 cents from your allowance.”

“WELL WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!” (Yelling)

“That’s 1.”

This is not a discussion. It
was
a discussion, but now it’s an attack.

It’s simply one version of Testing Tactic # 2, temper, and it should be

counted. You discuss discussions and you count attacks. In this kind

7 START BEHAVIOR TACTICS 119

of situation, it’s extremely difficult to resist the temptation to get into

angry, little-adult types of comments, such as, “Do you remember when

we bought this stupid animal for you? What did you say? You said, ‘I’ll

feed the dog every single night. No problem!’ Right! Well, here we are

on only the second night and I’m already feeding your dog! I’m sick of

doing everything around here for all you people!”

What you’re saying may be absolutely correct, but tirades like this

will do no good. Parental tantrums and righteous indignation will, in

fact, cause harm. Your tirade will do two things. First, the outburst will

damage your relationship with your child. Second, your blow-up will

ruin the effect of the money the boy was docked. So be quiet and let the

money do the talking. If money doesn’t seem to have much clout with

this particular lad, take minutes off TV, game or computer time or use

some other reasonable consequence.

The Docking System is good for lots of things. How many times have

you had the feeling that parenting is unfair? About nine mil ion times? This

unfairness applies especially to the moms, who often feel they get stuck

with al the extra chores around the house. Wel , think of this: Now, if you

are going to have to do all that stuff, you’re going to get paid for it!

Have you ever said to your kids, for example, “I’m happy to do your

laundry on Saturday. Al you have to do is get your clothes down to the

washer by 9:00. But I’l be darned if I’m going to go up to your room every

weekend to get your dirty underwear out from underneath your bed!”

Now let’s imagine you’re going to use the Docking System for laundry.

You say this: “I’m happy to do your laundry on Saturday mornings. All

you have to do is get your clothes down to the washer by 9:00. If you

don’t get your clothes down by 9:00, I will go up to your room to get

your dirty things. But I charge for that service. And for a pile the size of

the one you usually have, it will probably cost you seventy-five cents to

a dollar.”

5. Natural Consequences

With natural consequences you let the big, bad world teach the child what

works and what doesn’t. There are times when your staying out of some

problems is the best approach. Suppose you have a fourth grader who is

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taking piano lessons for the first time. She is not practicing as she should,

however, and can’t sleep at night because she’s worrying that her piano

teacher will be mad.

What should you do? Nothing right away. See if the natural conse-

quences of not practicing (teacher’s displeasure) will alter your daughter’s

behavior. Some piano teachers are very good at getting uncooperative

kids to tickle the ivories on a regular basis between lessons. If after a

few weeks the teacher’s efforts don’t work, you may want to try other

Start behavior tactics, such as using the timer or charting. But leave the

situation alone for a while in the beginning.

Or, suppose you have a boy in the sixth grade. Because you’re in a

hurry every morning, this young fellow is supposed to make his own

lunch, with goods that you buy, and then brown bag it to school. It seems

like every other day, though, he is telling you how hungry he was at lunch

with nothing to eat. What should you do? Relax, don’t lecture, and leave

the responsibility squarely on his shoulders. Let the natural consequence

(his empty stomach) talk to him instead of his mother talking to him. Give

him some encouragement by saying something like this: “I’m sure you’ll

do better tomorrow.”

Another example of a good time to use natural consequences? The

wintertime dress of preteens and adolescents. All parents know that junior

high and high school students think there are federal laws against zipping

or buttoning up their coats in the winter. These kids do not want to appear