The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (18 page)

sure your kids do not repeat these more troublesome activities, but you

also don’t want to start a war with your own offspring.

Some normal pre-adolescent children, especially boys, engage in isolated

incidents that include the unusual and harmful activities listed above.

Sometimes these kids are influenced by other children to do things they

wouldn’t otherwise do. Exercising temporary poor judgment, these

youngsters are going along for the ride. When parents respond with a

firm hand and a fair punishment, these first-time offenders do not become

repeat offenders. This chapter will help you deal with such children and

such incidents.

Other times, however, the trouble-producing motivation comes from

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inside the child himself. When a child starts showing a pattern of unusually

hostile, aggressive, rule-breaking behavior, we begin to worry—especial y

as the youngster gets older. That’s why we are so interested in early pre-

vention: The older they are, the harder kids are to change. This chapter

will help you manage more upsetting childhood behavior reasonably,

firmly and calmly.

Most parents will not need to use this chapter a lot—or perhaps even

at all. But when it is necessary, the kind of targeted, rational management

described here is essential in preventing the problem behavior of vulner-

able, higher-risk children from escalating as they grow up.

Oppositional Defiance and Conduct Disorder

Although we do not totally understand why some children start down

a destructive path of behavior, we do know a few things. Two motives

that have been implicated in the more serious behavioral problems listed

before are (1) hostile and vengeful inclinations and (2) thrill seeking.

Hostile or vengeful impulses, for example, may drive behavior such as

fighting, bullying and damaging property. Thrill seeking may be involved

in smoking, cutting school and starting fires. Many problem behaviors,

of course, can involve both motives. When this is the case, the reinforce-

ment a young lad gets from engaging in a “double-motive” activity can

be even more powerful and dangerous.

Adolescents and preteens who consistently engage in aggressive,

destructive rule-breaking behavior that hurts others or damages property

are often diagnosed with Conduct Disorder (CD). Their troublesome

activities often reflect the two motives of hostile aggression and thrill

seeking. These CD children also often have problems with learning dis-

abilities, attention deficit disorder, language and communication, and the

ability to read social cues. As you may have guessed, Conduct Disorder

is the modern euphemism for juvenile delinquency.

Preadolescents who sometimes seem to get addicted to hostile and

vengeful behavior are often referred to as Oppositional Defiant Disorder

(ODD) children. While CD youths may want to hurt you, ODD kids sim-

ply like to aggravate you. ODD kids are negative, defiant and can’t take

no for answer. They deliberately annoy other people, are in turn easily

MORE SERIOUS OFFENSES 99

annoyed themselves, and blame everybody else for anything that goes

wrong. ODD kids are Super Brats, and they are no fun to live with.

ODD probably has some genetic basis, but this disorder can also

be caused—as well as seriously aggravated—by sloppy, inconsistent,

angry and overly wordy parenting. In any case, ODD behavior starts at

home. And when poor parenting is part of the

picture, Oppositional Defiant kids can graduate Quik Tip…

to become Conduct Disorder kids; they simply

take their troublesome behavior out of the house One goal of

1-2-3 Magic
is

and into the community. CD teens are dangerous to prevent

kids with treacherous futures.

Oppositional Defiant

One of the goals of
1-2-3 Magic
is to prevent Disorder (ODD) through

oppositional defiance from starting in the first firm and reasonable

parenting. Where ODD

place by means of reasonable, gentle and solid already exists, another

parenting. A second goal of
1-2-3 Magic
is to goal of our program is

eliminate early ODD behavior problems—once to get rid of it, so ODD

they have started—so they don’t change into doesn’t change later into

Conduct Disorder—the

Conduct Disorder. Get rid of early ODD and you modern term for juvenile

cut the risk of later trouble tremendously.

delinquency.

For most parents, who don’t have kids who

are at risk for major Oppositional Defiant problems, the basic
1-2-3 Magic

program will probably be sufficient. With higher-risk children who start

engaging in more serious problem behavior, parents will need to pay

particular attention to what we call the Major/Minor System.

The Major/Minor System

Your next door neighbor rings your front door bell on a beautiful summer

day. This fellow has never been the most pleasant person in the world, but

today he is furious. He informs you that your nine-year-old son, Doug,

just put a rock through his garage window. Deliberately. Your neighbor

wants to know what you’re going to do about it and how you’re going

to punish the kid.

You are shocked, embarrassed and incredulous. You apologize to the

aggravated man and tell him you’ll certainly take care of it. Doug isn’t a

nasty problem child, but you know he’s had a few run-ins with this guy,

100 1-2-3 MAGIC

who does tend to be a real grouch sometimes. If your boy did throw a

rock through the neighbor’s garage window, that would obviously be Stop

behavior, but it wouldn’t make much sense to run to the back door and

say, “Doug, that’s 1.” “That’s 3, take 5 and add 15 for the seriousness of

the offense” would also seem too mild. Some punishment may be called

for, but even then, you still want to avoid a lot of the excess talking and

emotion that will only make things worse.

Fortunately, there is a very simple punishment system that you can

set up to handle serious problems like this with a minimum of upset and

confusion. It’s called the Major/Minor System. With the Major/Minor

System you will establish appropriate Major or Minor punishments/

consequences for corresponding Major or Minor offenses. The Major/

Minor System is applied differently depending upon how much trouble

you’ve had in the past with your child. Is this the first time that you’ve had a

serious problem with this child, or have there been repeated episodes?

The Major/Minor System for

First-Time Offenses

With first time offenses, like Doug in our example above, you only need

to deal with the problem at hand. You do not need to make a big list of

behavior and punishments like you may do with repeated problems.

So let’s imagine that after your irate neighbor leaves, you track down

Doug. You tell him about your conversation with Mr. Antagonisky from

next door. Then you ask your son what happened. You remain calm and

“put on your active listening shoes” (see Chapter 25). Doug is not a bad

kid, and you’re determined to hear him out first, then determine what

needs to be done.

Doug tells you that he was playing catch in the backyard with his

friend, Chris. They were using a tennis ball. At one point Doug missed

Chris’ throw and it went into Antagonisky’s yard, where Mr. A. was

tending his flowers. Doug retrieved the ball, but while doing so, he ac-

cidentally stepped on one of Mr. A.’s stupid plants. Doug said that the

guy then went ballistic, screaming and swearing at both boys and also

looking physically threatening. In frustration as well as anger—and also

not wanting to look scared—Doug had turned around and thrown the ball

MORE SERIOUS OFFENSES 101

in the general direction of the neighbor’s garage. He wasn’t aiming at the

small window, he said, but he did hear the sound of shattering glass.

How should you apply the Major/Minor System? Tell your son that

even though Mr. A. is not the most diplomatic person in the world, Doug

exercised poor judgment during the incident by let ing his own temper get

the best of him and throwing the bal at the garage. Doug therefore is going

to have to accept several consequences, and the consequences here wil not

involve time out. First, the boy wil go back and tel Antagonisky that he,

Doug, wil clean up the glass in the garage and pay for a replacement pane

and the instal ation costs. Doug wil also ask Mr. A. if he would like the plant

replaced, and pay for that if necessary. You tel Doug that he can apologize

if he so desires, but even if he doesn’t, he must be polite and civil during the

conversation—even if Antagonisky is not.

This punishment constitutes a major consequence for your son. Your

assignment wil be no smal chore for the young lad. Doug does as instructed,

though, and the problem is resolved. You tell your boy you’re proud of

him and the way he handled the situation. No other consequences—or

lectures—are necessary.

By the way, you, the parent here, also did a good job. You did not

beat down your son because you were embarrassed, nor did you let your

boy off the hook because of your dislike for your next door neighbor.

The Major/Minor System for Repeat Offenses

What if, on the other hand, you’ve had a number of more serious prob-

lems with your ten-year-old son, Mike? In the last several months, Mike’s

been late to school three times (you think maybe on purpose) and come

home in the evening more than an hour late twice. You also think he

smells like he’s been smoking a few times, he’s been carrying matches,

and you’re never sure if he’s lying about doing his homework. Mike’s

grades have slipped from a B+ to a C+ average in the last two quarters,

and you really don’t care for one of his new friends. Your son also seems

less communicative.

When kids start acting up like this, it’s easy to get so irritated so

often that all you can think of is doling out punishment. When a child

does something right, you ignore the good deed and think, “Well, it’s

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about time!” When he does something wrong, however, you angrily jump

all over him. This defensive and aggressive stance on your part runs the

risk of making the child so angry that he is more likely to engage in vengeful

and hostile—as well as perhaps thrill-seeking—behavior, and the

reaction and counterreaction sequence can be

Quik Tip…

the start of a domestic war, with the result that

Remember that—

your child’s future is in great jeopardy. Instead

even with more of that unproductive, knee-jerk type of parenting,

serious offenses—

your strategy with Mike should involve two

fits of temper and

primary lines of attack: (1) improving your re-

righteous indignation

from you can ruin the

lationship with your boy through regular doses

effectiveness of whatever

of praise, one-on-one shared fun, affection and

punishments or conse-

active listening and (2) setting up the Major/

quences are chosen. You

Minor System.

need to be decisive
and

calm.

We’l discuss how to improve a relationship