The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (13 page)

time out starts after two hours.

And don’t be sticking your head in there every five or ten minutes

saying things like, “Come on now, don’t you think that’s enough? We

miss you. Dinner’s in five minutes and you have homework to do....” Just

leave him alone until he’s tired of being angry.

The only children we don’t use this temper-tantrum modification for

are the two- and three-year-olds. They don’t seem to get the idea, so just

let them out after a couple of minutes, even if they’re still tantruming, and

cross your fingers. Once they’re out, ignoring the child is usually more

effective than trying to talk him out of his irritation. If he still doesn’t

quiet down, leave him in a little longer the next time.

Pouting

Pouting is a passive behavior that is designed to make you feel guilty. If

you do wind up feeling guilty when your child pouts, that’s really more

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your problem. Why should you feel bad for trying to be a good parent,

just because your youngster didn’t like the demand or restriction you

placed on her? You shouldn’t.

So if you discipline a child and she gives you the ultimate in martyr

looks, just turn around, say nothing and walk away. The only time you

would do something different is if you get what we call an “aggressive

pouter.” An aggressive pouter is a child who follows you all over the house

to make sure you don’t miss a minute of the sour face. If she does that,

“That’s 1.” She’s trying to rub your nose in her grumpiness, and you’re

not going to allow her to do that.

Points to Remember

1. SIBLING RIVALRY: Count both kids most of the time.

2. TEMPER TANTRUMS: The time out doesn’t start until after

the tantrum is over.

3. POUTING: Pouting can be ignored unless the child becomes

an “aggressive pouter.”

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The Kickoff Conversation

The kids will look at you like you’ve

just lost your mind.

Getting started with the 1-2-3 is pretty easy. The Kickoff Conversa-

tion, in which you explain the new regime to the children, only

takes about five to ten minutes. Even though it’s a bit like a little-adult-

type explanation, you should give the kids the benefit of the doubt and

tell them what you’ll be doing. But don’t put a lot of stock in the impact

of this initial conversation. Wishful thinking on your part will not do the

job. Lots of children don’t really get the idea until you’ve been counting

for a while and they’ve been to their rooms a few times.

If both parents are living at home, or even if mom and dad live in

separate places, it’s preferable if both grownups sit down together with

the youngsters and do the initial explaining.

Here’s what you say:

“Listen, you guys know there are times when you do things we don’t

care for, like arguing, whining and teasing. From now on we’re going to

do something a little different. When we see you doing something you’re

not supposed to, we’ll say, ‘That’s 1.’ That’s a warning, and it means

you’re supposed to stop. If you don’t stop, we’ll say, ‘That’s 2.’ That will

be your second warning. If you still don’t stop, we’ll say, ‘That’s 3, take

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5 (or however many minutes equals your age).’ That means you have to

go to your room for a time out or a kind of rest period. When you come

out, we don’t talk about what happened unless it’s really necessary. We

just forget it and start over.

“By the way, kids, there’s part of this new system that you’ll like

and part you won’t like. Here’s what you won’t like: If the thing you do

is bad enough to start with, like swearing or hitting, we’ll say, ‘That’s 3,

take 10 or 15.’ That means there aren’t any other warnings, you just go

straight to your room, and the time will be longer.

“The part you will like is that most of the time we won’t talk about

what happened after a time out. Well, that’s the new deal. It’s pretty simple.

Do you have any questions?”

The Children’s Reaction

Expect the kids to sit there and look at you like you’ve just gone off

your rocker. Some kids will poke each other and

exchange knowing glances, as if to say, “Well,

Quik Tip…

it looks like Mom went to the library again and

Don’t expect the

children to thank got another one of those books on how to raise

you or look

us guys. Last time she stuck to it for about four

enlightened after the

days, and Dad never did anything different at

Kickoff Conversation.

all. I think if we stick together and hang tough,

Some kids will be puzzled

and others won’t believe

we should be running the house again inside of

you’re serious. You’ll soon a week, right?”

make believers out of

Wrong. Don’t expect the children to be grate-

them, though, by your

ful, to look enlightened or to thank you for your

consistent, gentle and

decisive follow-up.

efforts to raise them responsibly. Just get going,

stick to your guns and—when in doubt—count!

What about two- and three-year-olds who

won’t understand an initial explanation? You have two options. Just start

counting and doing time outs. Little kids are much smarter than we often

give them credit for. They’ll get the idea quickly.

Or, if two parents are living at home, try a little role playing. Dad

pretends he’s acting up, say by whining or yelling. Mom firmly counts

dad with a 1. Dad continues his misbehavior, so he advances to 2 and

THE KICKOFF CONVERSATION 69

then 3. Mom sends dad to his room for a time out. Father cooperates but

looks a little grumpy. The kids giggle. The children won’t giggle when

you start counting them, but the role play will help them get the idea.

At this point of this book, you may feel that you’re ready to start using

the 1-2-3. Not so fast! If you began counting right now, you wouldn’t be

prepared for the fact that many children—about half—are going to give

you a hard time in the beginning. That may be the bad news, but the good

news is that we’re on to the youngsters now! We have discovered and

identified the Six Kinds of Testing and Manipulation. Once you understand

these tactics and what’s behind them, you’ll be ready for anything.

You’re almost ready to begin

your first giant parenting step:

Contr

olling Obnoxious

Behavior!

Part III

No Child

Will Thank You

10

The Six Kinds of

Testing and Manipulation

You call off your dogs, and I’ll call off mine.

One of the unfortunate parts of being a parent is that you cannot give

your children everything they want. To make matters worse, you

must also regularly ask the kids to start doing things they don’t want to

do (homework, going to bed) and to stop doing some things they do want

to do (teasing, whining). The fact of the matter, therefore, is that if you

are really doing your parenting job, in addition to being warm, caring and

supportive, you must also frustrate your kids on a regular basis.

When you are frustrating your little ones, the children have two

choices. First, they can cooperate and tolerate the frustration. Most kids

soon learn that frustration is not the end of the world, and they may even

begin to get a sense that putting up with present aggravations may actually

be the route to future rewards. Second, however, youngsters can engage in

what we call
testing and manipulation
. Testing and manipulation are the

efforts of the frustrated child to get what he wants or avoid discipline by

getting his parent emotionally confused and, consequently, sidetracked.

Three things need to be remembered about testing:

1. Testing occurs when a child is frustrated
.
You are not giving

him the potato chips he wants; you are counting him; you are making

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