The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (8 page)

the room. Go to your room or even the bathroom, if necessary, stock them

with good reading materials beforehand, and wait the storm out. Or walk

around the house a few times. But don’t talk.

Some parents have asked, “Why should I be the one to leave? After

all, I’m the adult.” Fine. Stay put if you can keep quiet and avoid both

being provocative and being provoked. But if your real motive is the

desire to stick around for a good fight,that’s a bad strategy.

1-2-3 Magic
is certainly very straightforward, but managing kids’

irritating behavior is never an easy job. At this point you probably have

a few questions about this first big phase of parenting. Let’s take a look

at some of the most important and frequently asked ones.

The Benefits of Counting

1. Energy savings

2. More time for fun and affection

3. Your authority is not negotiable

4. The punishment is short and sweet

5. The 1-2-3 is easy for other caretakers to learn

6

Twenty Questions

But what if...?

1. What do you do if the child counts you back?!

Your five-year-old is whining at you because you wouldn’t take her to

the pool on a hot summer day. You look at her, hold up one finger, and

say, “That’s 1.” She looks back at you, holds up one tiny finger, and says,

“That’s 1 to you, too!”

What should you do? Oddly enough, this common occurence

sometimes throws even the most confident parents for a loop. They are

at a loss how to handle the unexpected rebellion.

The answer is very straightforward. Your kids do not have the

authority to count anyone (unless you give that power to them). The

child might as well have said, “The moon is made of cream cheese.” The

comment means nothing.

If the child’s remark appears to be a humorous attempt to tease you

a little, you can just ignore it. If her “That’s 1 to you, too!” however, is

sarcastic and disrespectful, count it by simply holding up two fingers and

saying nothing. If the child again mocks your response, she will have

just arrived at 3.

39

40 1-2-3 MAGIC

2. What if there’s an obvious problem between the children,

but you didn’t see what happened?

Your daughter, Suzie, comes running into the kitchen and yells, “Dad,

Bobby should get a 1!” You haven’t the slightest idea what the problem

is, but the chances are the issue revolves around sibling rivalry. In general

our rule is this: If you didn’t see the argument or conflict, you don’t count

it; if you hear it, you can count it.

If you’re in the kitchen and you hear a ruckus starting in the family

room, for example, there’s nothing to stop you from calling, “Hey guys,

that’s 1.” Of course, you want to use this rule with flexibility. If you feel

one child is consistently being victimized by another, you may have to

intervene and count just the aggressive child. On the other hand, if the

tattling is getting out of hand, many parents decide to count the tattler.

3. How long do you take in between counts?

About five seconds. Just long enough to allow the child time to shape

up. Remember that we’re counting Stop (obnoxious) behaviors, such as

arguing, whining, badgering and teasing, and for obnoxious behavior it

only takes a child one second to cooperate with you by stopping the an-

noying activity. We certainly don’t want to give a child half an hour to

continue a tantrum before giving him a 2.

Counting is perfectly designed to produce the one second’s worth

of motivation necessary for cooperation. We give the kids five seconds,

though, which is a little more generous. Why five seconds? Because this

brief pause gives the youngsters time to think things over and do the right

thing. In those few seconds—provided the adult keeps quiet—kids learn

to take responsibility for their own behavior.

4. If a child hits a 1 or a 2, does he stay at that count for the

rest of the day, even if he does nothing else wrong?

No. The time perspective of young children is short. You would not say

“That’s 1” at nine in the morning, “That’s 2” at 11:15, and “That’s 3,

take 5” at three in the afternoon. So we have what we call our “window

of opportunity” rule: If a seven-year-old, for example, does three things

wrong in a thirty-minute period, each warning counts toward the total of

TWENTY QUESTIONS 41

three. But if he does one thing wrong, then an hour goes by, then he does

something else he shouldn’t, you can start back at 1.

Very few children manipulate this rule by doing one thing, allowing

thirty minutes to pass, and then figuring, “Now I get a free one!” If you

feel a youngster is trying to get away with this, simply make the next

count a 2 instead of going back to 1.

The window of opportunity should be longer as kids get older, but

there are no hard-and-fast guidelines. For four-year-olds the time period

might be only ten or fifteen minutes, but for eleven-year-olds it might

be two to three hours. Classroom teachers in the primary grades do not

usually use a short window because, with twenty-five children in your

class, this would allow for too much potential misbehavior in too short

a period of time. Instead, the counting period in school is expanded to

cover the entire morning, all counts are washed away at lunchtime, then

the afternoon is treated as a new and separate window.

5. My child has a fit when I try to drop him off at preschool.

No matter how much I try to reassure him, he screams

whenever I try to leave.

Though separation anxiety is normal in little children, the kids’ desperate

screams when you try to leave them at preschool, with a sitter or even at

grandma’s can be very upsetting to you. Here’s what you do. Bite your

upper lip and become the Master of the Quick Exit. When dropping chil-

dren off (or leaving home), kiss the kids goodbye, tell them when you’ll

see them again and get out of there! The longer you stay and the more

you talk, the worse you will make everything.

If these awful moments make you feel like a totally cold and uncar-

ing adult, call back later and ask whoever the caretaker is how long your

child cried. The average is eighty seconds.

6. Does the room have to be a sterile environment?

No. Many books tell you the time-out room should be modeled after a cell

in a state penitentiary. Complete and ut er boredom—that’l teach ’em!

This is unnecessary. The child can go to the room and read, take a nap, play

with Legos, draw and so on. She doesn’t even have to stay on her bed. Just

42 1-2-3 MAGIC

to be safe, though, there are three things that are forbidden: no phone, no

friends with and no electronic entertainment.

Some people ask: “Well then, just how is a rest period supposed to

work? My kid tells me that time out’s fine with her—she doesn’t care and

she’ll just go upstairs and play.” Don’t pay much attention to any child

who says, “I don’t care.” That comment usually means the opposite: She

does care. And if her room were such a great place to be, she would have

already been up there.

The fact of the matter is, the power of the 1-2-3 does not come so

much from the time out itself; it usually comes from the interruption of the

child’s activities. It just so happens that when this girl was timed out for

hitting her brother, she was watching her favorite TV show,
Garfield
. Now

she has to miss a big chunk of the show. No one—including you—likes

to be interrupted so you miss out on something fun.

If you really feel the time out is not effective, consider three things.

First, are you still talking too much and getting too emotional during

discipline efforts? Parental outbursts ruin everything. Second, if you feel

you are remaining calm and time out is still not working, consider another

time-out place or room. Third, consider time-out alternatives.

Quik Tip…

7. Can you count different misbehaviors

Don’t forget—you to get to three?

can count different Yes. You don’t have to have different counts for

misbehaviors to get

to 3. That’s a lot easier on

each different kind of misbehavior. Imagine: “Let’s

your aging memory bank.

see, he’s on a 1 for throwing that block across

And if Mom gives a 1, Dad the room. He’s on a 2 for teasing his sister. He’s

can follow it up with a 2.

on a 1 for yel ing at me. He’s on a 2 for. .”

The 1-2-3 works a lot

better if the kids know

This routine would soon drive you insane

both parents are going to

and you’d need a personal computer to keep

count when it’s necessary. track of everything. So if the child pushes his

sister, for example, “That’s 1”; throws a block

across the room, “That’s 2”; and then screams at you for counting him,

“That’s 3, take 5.” The child is gone.

Mom could say 1, dad could say 2 and mom or dad could say, “That’s

3.” In fact, we encourage you to share the joy. Actual y, it’s bet er if mom

TWENTY QUESTIONS 43

and dad
do
both count, because then the kids know that both parents are behind the plan—they are consistent and real y serious. The involvement

of both parents makes it easier for the children to shape up. In the same

way, the involvement of both home and school in doing the 1-2-3 also makes

it easier for kids to behave—especially the really difficult children.

8. Can you ever ignore anything?

Yes, but don’t ignore a lot in the beginning.
In the beginning, when in

doubt, count!
After a while, when you’re getting a good response at 1 or 2, you may be able to let up a little. Let’s say, after a few weeks of getting used to the 1-2-3 program, your child does something right in front

of you that would normally be counted. Instead of counting right away,

just watch your youngster. The child can almost “feel” the count com-

ing. Sometimes, if you say nothing, the child will spontaneously exercise

self-control and stop the misbehavior. This response is ideal, because now

the child is internalizing the rules and controlling himself without direct

parental intervention. Isn’t that the kind of person you want to drop off

at the dorm on the first day of his freshman year in college?

How do you know when you should count? It’s not too difficult

to tell. Most of the time, if you’re irritated about something and that

something is a Stop behavior, you should be counting. Just to be sure,

you can also write yourself a list (or do it with your spouse) of countable

behaviors and then show it to the kids. Some parents and teachers even

have the children help make up the list.

The question of ignoring certain types of behavior leaves room for

some variation among parents. Why? Because some parents simply have

longer fuses than others. Some parents, for example, will ignore kids’ roll-

ing their eyes, stomping off, grumbling and whining, while other parents

will count. Some parents will ignore a child’s yelling or even pounding

walls as long as he’s on his way to time out. Other parents will lengthen

the rest period for that kind of behavior. Either strategy is correct if it is

done consistently. You have to clearly define what kinds of child behavior,