The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (9 page)

in your well-considered opinion, are too obnoxious, too rude, too aggres-

sive or too dangerous. Then make up your mind that those behaviors are

the ones that will be counted.

44 1-2-3 MAGIC

9. What if you have other people over?

By this time, you can probably anticipate the answer to this question. You

will need to (1) get used to counting in front of other people and (2) not

alter your strategy one bit when others are watching. The ultimate test,

of course, is when you’re out in public (see next chapter). For right now,

we’ll discuss what should happen in the safety of your own home.

From time to time, other people will be at your home when your

kids decide to act up. In fact, the presence of other people often seems

to trigger disruptive behavior in many kids, presenting parents with a

complicated challenge: disciplining children while on stage. Among the

groups of people who perversely decide to put you in this awkward posi-

tion are other kids, other parents (with or without their kids), and, finally,

grandparents. Let’s examine the problems presented by each group.

Other kids
.
If your youngster has a friend over, count your child

just as you would if no one else were there. If your child gets timed out,

he goes to the room and—remember—his friend may not join him. Just

explain to the other boy or girl that you’re using this new system and his

buddy will be back in five minutes or so. If your son or daughter says

to you, as some have, “Mom, it’s so embarrassing when you count me

in front of my friends,” you say to them once, “If you don’t want to be

embarrassed, you can behave.”

Another thing you can do in this situation is count the other child,

too. After all, it’s your house. If his parent is there, though, you’d better

ask permission and explain a bit before you go disciplining her child.

Another variation, with other kids over, is “1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3: out

of the house to play.” This can be very helpful, especially if you have

a difficult child who often gets overly excited when a playmate is over.

With this routine, at the third time out, instead of sending your child to

the room again, both kids must now leave the house for a specified time

(assuming the weather isn’t nasty) and play outside. This variation of the

1-2-3 is very popular in southern California.

Or—even better—1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, then send them over to the

other kid’s house to play!

Other adults
.
If you have other adults or other parents over at your

home, you will probably feel considerably more nervous counting your

TWENTY QUESTIONS 45

child in front of these grownups. This discomfort is normal. Although

you may feel a little self-conscious at first, you’ll soon get used to do-

ing the 1-2-3 under these circumstances. So count! If you don’t take the

plunge, your children will sense that you are much easier prey when other

people are around.

On the other hand, when you count in front of another parent, some-

thing surprising may happen that you will enjoy. You’re talking to a friend

and your child rudely and loudly interrupts you demanding a snack. You

calmly say, “That’s 1.” Your child not only quiets down, she also leaves

the room. The other parent looks at you like, “What did you do?!” Just

tell her about the 1-2-3 and explain how it works. This type of scene, by

the way, is one of the major ways that
1-2-3 Magic
gets passed around.

Grandparents
.
For our purposes here, there are three types of

grandparents, whether you’re visiting them or they’re visiting you. The

first—and rarest—type of grandparent is the
cooperative
grandparent. She

will count along with you. You say 1, Grandma says 2, and so on. That kind

of cooperation is super, but it doesn’t happen as much as we’d like.

Like the first type, the second type of grandparent is also nice to have

around. This person we call the the
passive
or
unintrusive
grandparent.

This grandma or grandpa leaves you alone when you’re disciplining the

kids and doesn’t interfere. That’s often not easy for a grandparent.

The third type of grandparent, however, is the
antagonistic
grand-

parent. He will say something to you like this: “You have to read a book

to learn how to raise your kids?! Why, when I was a boy, all Dad had to

do was look at his belt....” You know the rest. The message is that you

don’t need any of this modern, psychological stuff.

A second kind of antagonistic grandparent wil actual y interfere with

your discipline. You say to little Bobby, “That’s 3, take 5,” and before he

can move, Grandma butts in and says, “Oh, little Bobby didn’t really do

anything. Bobby, come and sit on Grandma’s lap for a while.”

Some parents ask at this point: “Can you count the grandparents?”

Probably not, but you do have an assertiveness problem on your hands.

You may have to say something like, “You know, Mom, I love you very

much, but these are our kids and this is the way we’re raising them. If

you can’t go along with the agenda, the visit may have to be cut short a

46 1-2-3 MAGIC

little.” Although this statement will be a very difficult one to make, the

comment will definitely be an investment in your children’s future.

Can you imagine saying that to your parents?!

10. Can you use a time-out chair instead of a room?

You can use a stair or a chair for a time out (don’t use a corner of the room),

but only if the child does not make a game out of the situation. Some

kids, for example, sit on the chair at first, but then start gradually losing

contact with it. Eventually they may just be touching their little finger to

the chair and looking at you like, “What are you going to do about this?”

If your rule for time out is simply that the child must stay in contact with

the chair, this is no problem. Just don’t pay any attention to the youngster.

But if the child is getting on and off or away from the chair and you’re

uncertain what to do, this kind of game will ruin the discipline.

We usually prefer that visual contact between parent and child be

broken during the rest period, so the child can’t tease or provoke you.

That’s why the child’s bedroom or other safe room is preferable. Many

parents, however, have successfully used stairs and chairs and many report

that the kids—even some wild ones!—sit still on them, don’t talk and

don’t keep getting off. As a matter of fact, parents are often very creative

in coming up with places for time outs.

11. Can you use counting for toliet training?

No. Counting is not especially effective for potty training. One reason is

that if you are trying to count children’s messing their pants, you don’t

always know the exact moment when the “accident” occurs, and so you

don’t know just when to count. In addition, most experts agree that pun-

ishing kids for wetting or soiling is not particularly helpful.

Though there are several effective ways to get kids to go on the toilet,

my favorite method is for the parent to do very little formal training. Too

many parents are in too big a hurry to get their kids potty trained, and

this big rush can cause all kinds of trouble. Instead let the kids see you

use the toilet and get them a potty chair of their own. Most children will

eventually learn how to use the thing without much direct coaching from

you. When they are successful, you can then praise and reward them.

TWENTY QUESTIONS 47

Another frequently unsuccessful parent tactic in this regard is repeat-

edly asking a child—when he’s looking squirmy—if he has to go to the

bathroom. It’s much better to say this: “Some day you’re gonna surprise

me and go on the potty!”

12. What if the child won’t stay in his room?

Many kids will stay in the room for the time out, even if the door isn’t

shut (it doesn’t have to be shut). Others, however, will try to keep com-

ing out. With very small children, one alternative is to just stand there

blocking the way or to hold the door shut. After a few time outs the kids

get the idea that they can’t come out. This tactic won’t work, however,

if you keep getting into major tugs of war with the door. Once again, if

your discipline comes down to this level, you look stupid and so does

your approach.

A second alternative is to block the child’s exit with the kind of gate

that squeezes against the door jambs. These gates can be used as long as

the children are not able to either climb over or knock down the device.

Yet another option is to start the time out over if the child comes out

prematurely. Some parents will then double the time of the second rest

period. This method, of course, won’t be much help with two- or three-

year-olds because they won’t understand, but with older children it can

work well. Explain once and then start.

Some kids, however, are so rambunctious that they just keep coming

out and accumulate what seem like thousands of extra time-out minutes.

What should you do? You need to secure the door in some way or another.

There are several options.

Some parents of difficult children, believe it or not, have made the

child’s bedroom door into a “Dutch” door. They saw the door in half,

then lock the bottom part and leave the top part open during the time out.

You may think that’s a pretty drastic solution. It is, but some kids require

drastic (but gentle) solutions.

Also available are plastic door knob covers. These devices cover

the knob and have to be squeezed tightly enough to be able to turn the

knob and open the door. Many young children aren’t strong enough to

accomplish this feat. Another idea is to simply put some kind of lock on

the door. This advice worries some parents, who think that their child

48 1-2-3 MAGIC

will become claustrophobic or that locking the door is abusive. Locking

the door by itself is not abusive, but for some parents (foster parents)

and in some places it is illegal. If you have a really difficult child, you

should check into what regulations hold for your situation and get some

professional advice.

Here’s the deal with locking the door. You tell your child that as

long as he stays in his room, the door will remain open or simply shut.

But the first time he comes out, the door gets locked for the rest period.

Many children will quickly learn to stay put without the door having to

be locked. If you still prefer gates to locks, purchase one of the more solid

gates that bolts into the door jambs. If the child can climb over the gate,

get a taller one or put two up.

The main point is this: Some children, including many of our At-

tention Deficit (ADD) friends, will try to keep coming out of the room.

Securing the door in some way or another is absolutely essential. It is

totally unproductive and harmful to be chasing the kids back in the room

all the time; the child must know that the door is a barrier that he’s stuck

with for a short time. If you worry about the safety of the child, childproof

the room, secure any windows and remain outside the door during the

time out, but try not to let the child know you’re there. And don’t forget

the one-minute-per-year rule for the length of the rest period. Remember

that you may not increase the length of the time out simply because you’re

in a bad mood. You can increase the length of time out—to a point—if

the child did something that is exceptionally bad.

Once children learn they can’t get out of the room, they will stop

tantruming and calmly accept the brief period of quiet.

13. What if the child won’t come out?

You probably know the answer to this one: Relax and enjoy yourself!

You go to the bedroom door and say, “Time’s up.” Your son or daughter

replies, “I’m never coming out again as long as I live!” Don’t say, “Good!”

or anything like that. Just walk away—never chase a martyr.

On the other hand, do not cheat by inadvertently extending the time

out. Imagine your child’s time out was for five minutes. You just noticed,

though, that you had gotten distracted and eight minutes have elapsed.

You think,“Oh, it’s so peaceful! And she’s being so quiet in her room! I

TWENTY QUESTIONS 49

don’t have the heart to let her out.” Wrong—no fair. Keep an eye on the

clock or timer, then tell the child when the time is up. If your girl has

fallen asleep—and if it’s OK for her to nap at this time of day, let her

snooze for a bit.

Some kids always want a hug and some reassurance when time

out is over. What do you do? Give them a hug! But be careful with these

little huggers. If a child repeatedly requests a hug, you’d better check to

make sure you’re doing the 1-2-3 correctly. Some kids, of course, are

just very sensitive and any kind of discipline upsets them a little. Other

children, however, need reassurance because you were too harsh—emo-

tionally or physically—before you sent them to the room. So if you get

a little hugger, make sure you’re gently following the No-Talking and