The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (7 page)

COUNTING OBNOXIOUS BEHAVIOR 33

Good work by Mom again. She doesn’t have to count the grumpy

“Oh, all right” because the comment is not so bad and the child is leaving

the scene of the crime. If the child had said, “Oh, all right, you stupid

jerk!” there would be an automatic 3 and the girl would be off to her room

for a longer time out.

Is ignoring the child’s badgering an option? Perhaps, if (1) the child

quickly gets the message and drops the issue and if (2) the parent can stand

it. But in general—and especially in the beginning—counting is best.

The Benefits of Counting

There are a lot of benefits to using the 1-2-3 to manage difficult childhood

behavior. Here are just a few of them.

Energy savings!

The 1-2-3 will save you a lot of breath—and a lot of aggravation. Parents

and teachers say counting makes discipline a whole lot less exhausting.

Give one explanation, if absolutely necessary, and then you count. There

is no extra talking and no extra emotion. You stay calmer and you feel

better—about your child and yourself—when

you get a good response at 1 or 2.

Quik Tip…

When is an explanation or more talking

One explanation— absolutely necessary? In those instances when

if absolutely

necessary—and

the problem involved is something that the child

then you count.

does not already understand, when what he did

You’ll save a lot of breath

is something that is unusual or fairly serious, or

and a lot of aggravation.

when you really need more information from

And when you stay calmer,

you feel better—about

him about what happened.

your child and about

Here’s an example. Your seven-year-old

yourself as a parent.

son has been learning trampoline in gym class

and he loves it. After school he comes home,

takes off his shoes, and attacks the couch in the living room. He’s jump-

ing up and down and trying to do flips. You enter the room, see what’s

going on and are somewhat startled. You say, “That’s 1.” Your son says,

“What did I do?”

34 1-2-3 MAGIC

Is an explanation in order? Yes. He’s never been trampolining on

your couch before. You tell him that although he took off his shoes,

which you appreciate, you’re afraid he’ll hurt himself or ruin the couch

and that’s why you counted.

When is an explanation not necessary? Imagine that a few hours later

on the same day, the same seven-year-old—for no apparent reason—gives

his younger sister a medium-sized shove right in front of you. You say,

“That’s 1.” He growls, “WHAT DID I DO?!” You say, “That’s 2.” This

is a defiant and unnecessary question. Do you need to explain that he just

shoved his sister? Of course not. There were three witnesses. An explana-

tion here would invite the boy to argue with you. And this kid sounds like

he’s ready for an argument! Argue back and you have left the discipline

ballpark again.

More time for fun and affection

It’s sad to say, but in many families careless attempts at discipline take

up lots and lots of time. The Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell—and sometimes

Hit—Syndrome can run its course in less than a minute, but it can also

occupy hours and hours. During this time everyone is agitated and angry.

Parents do not like their kids and kids do not like their parents.

With the 1-2-3, the issue is usually settled in a matter of seconds. Are

the children frustrated when they are counted and don’t get their way?

Of course, but they get over it more quickly than they would if you and

they just spent an hour or so trying to persuade, argue and yell each other

into submission. After counting, things quickly go back to normal. You

can enjoy your kids and they can enjoy you. There is not only more
time

for fun and affection, but you also
feel
more like having fun and being

affectionate.

Your authority is not negotiable

You would go crazy if you had to negotiate—every day—issues like get ing

up, going to school, going to bed, homework, whining and sibling rivalry.

You are the boss. As a matter of fact, as a parent you must frustrate your

kids on a regular basis, because you can’t possibly give them everything

they want. But you want to be a nice boss.

COUNTING OBNOXIOUS BEHAVIOR 35

Many parents, though, complicate their job of discipline by trying

to be too nice and by setting two goals for themselves instead of just

one. The first goal is to discipline their children, which is fine. But the

second goal is
to get the kids to like it!
Like the mother in Scene I of The

Famous Twinkie Example, the parent talks and talks and talks, waiting

for the youngster to say something like, “Gee, I never looked at it like

that before. Thanks for taking the time to explain it to me. I appreciate

your efforts to raise me to be a responsible child.”

Let’s get real. If your child does listen all the time and more talking

seems to help, fine. But with frustrated children that is not usually the

case; too often all that talking escalates to arguing and worse.

The punishment is short and sweet

1-2-3 Magic
is a control on the kids, but it’s also a control on the parents.

As a parent, it’s not always easy to be reasonable, especially when you’re

angry. I saw a mother once who had poured Drano down her four-year-

old’s throat when the child talked back. I also knew a father who had set

fire to his daughter’s Cabbage Patch doll in the kitchen sink after a long

argument about the girl doing her homework. These are examples of cruel,

unusual and stupid punishments.

Though the vast majority of parents will never even come close to

taking such ridiculous and nasty measures, they may still be vulnerable to

episodes of yel ing, name-cal ing, belit ling or even rough physical tactics.

But with
1-2-3 Magic
the consequences are reasonable, well-defined, and

just potent enough to do the job: A rest period or time out lasts approxi-

mately one minute per year of the child’s life. Time out alternatives might

include a quarter off your allowance, a bedtime fifteen minutes earlier,

the loss of your game player for two hours, or the successful completion

of a brief chore (clean the sink in the bathroom).

These brief and reasonable consequences do not make the child so

mad that he wants war. With this regimen, for example, most kids come

back from time out having forgotten about the whole thing. And your not

being allowed to bring up and rehash what happened—unless absolutely

necessary—also helps the house
quickly
return to normal.

36 1-2-3 MAGIC

Easy for other caretakers to learn

The 1-2-3 is also easy enough to learn that you can train babysitters,

grandparents and other caretakers to use it. Parents who are using the

1-2-3 at home often tell their child’s teachers about the program. In turn,

teachers who use
1-2-3 Magic
in class often share the idea with parents

who are struggling with their child’s behavior at home.

When kids get the same message from everyone at home and at school,

this cross-situation consistency makes the program more powerful and

easier for the children to learn. “That’s 1,” whether at home or at school,

means “You’re doing something wrong and it’s time to shape up.”

We have found that home-school coordination of the 1-2-3 is espe-

cially helpful with behaviorally difficult children. When both parents and

teachers use counting fairly and consistently, and when they also respect

the No-Talking and No-Emotion rules, we have seen positive revolutions

take place in the behavior of some very challenging kids.

Time-Out Alternatives (TOAs)

For various reasons, there may be times when you do not want to use a

time out as the consequence for a child’s arriving at a count of 3. Perhaps

there isn’t time for a rest period when you’re dashing out the door in the

morning, perhaps you feel you want a consequence with a little more clout,

or perhaps you want a consequence that fits the crime. The judicious use

of time-out alternatives can be of great value.

Here are some TOA possibilities:

Earlier bedtime

Loss of TV for evening

Loss of Gameboy—2 hours

Loss of a toy—rest of the day

No dessert or treat

Monetary fine

No use of phone

Small chore—wash bathroom sink

Larger chore—weed yard

Write a paragraph

No conversation—15 minutes Removal of DVD, CD player

No friend over

Reduced computer time

Groundings, fines, chores and losses like these can be very useful

as consequences, and there are probably many other options. The list of

COUNTING OBNOXIOUS BEHAVIOR 37

time-out alternatives is limited only by your imagination. Remember to

keep the punishments fair and reasonable; your goal is to teach the child

something, not to be cruel or get revenge.

Consequences can also be what some people call logical or natural,

which means the punishment fits the misbehavior. A child’s hitting 3,

for example, might mean the end of a pleasant shopping trip. Or a count

of 3 might mean the loss of an ice cream bar that was dripping on the

car seat. The TV can be turned off if warnings to turn the volume down

are ignored. There are obviously many possibilities. Remember when

applying natural consequences that kids are still just kids. Exasperated

lectures from you, along the lines of “Well, this wouldn’t have happened

if you’d have simply listened to me in the first place” are unnecessary.

Your chattering also interferes with your child’s ability to appreciate the

connection between his behavior and its consequences.

Getting to the Time-Out Room

If the child won’t go to his room after hitting a count of 3, remember you

are not allowed to use little adult attempts at persuasion, such as, “Come

on now, do what Dad told you. It’s only for five minutes and then you’ll

be able to go back and play. I’m not asking a lot...etc., etc.” What you do

instead depends on how big you are and how big the child is.

The little kids.
Let’s say you weigh 125 pounds, and your five-year-

old son weighs forty-five pounds. If he doesn’t go to his room at 3, you

simply move toward him. Some kids will then stay two feet ahead of you

all the way to the room. That’s OK; they’ll soon start going by themselves.

Other kids, though, have to be “escorted” (keep your mouth closed while

doing this), which can mean taking them gently by the arm, as well as

dragging or carrying them—kicking and screaming (that’s them kicking

and screaming, not you)—to the room. No hitting or spanking. That’s if

you’re 125 pounds and they’re forty-five.

The bigger kids.
Now let’s imagine that it’s five years later. Your

ten-year-old son at this point weighs ninety-five pounds, and you—through

a rigid program of diet and exercise—stil weigh 125. You are no longer

in a position to get into anything physical with this boy. He’s too big, and

wrestling matches make a fool out of you and any at empts at discipline.

38 1-2-3 MAGIC

Your savior here will be the time-out alternative. If after your

“That’s 3, take 10,” the young lad doesn’t appear to be going anywhere,

you inform him that he has a choice. He can go for time out, or choose

one of the following: bedtime will be one-half-hour earlier, fifty cents

will come off his allowance, or he can forgo any electronic (including

battery-operated) entertainment for the evening. Many parents let the

child pick the consequence. If the child refuses, the parent selects the

punishment.

A problem arises here, however, because your child hasn’t gone

to his room and the two of you are still face to face. Lots of kids in this

situation want to stick around and argue with you about how stupid your

rules are, how stupid
1-2-3 Magic
is, and how stupid the guy who wrote

it must have been. We can’t have that.

You know you’re not allowed to argue. What are you going to do?

You can use a “reverse time out,” in which
you
just turn around and leave