The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (10 page)

No-Emotion rules.

14. Help—my kids go nuts when I’m on the phone!!

This question brings back vivid memories to all parents. It seems that there

are no parents in the entire world whose children don’t act up when the

parents are on the phone. Lots of kids start running around and screaming

as soon as the infernal device rings.

At our house the dog would also get into the act. The phone would ring

and the dog would bark. The dog’s bark was a signal to the kids,“We’ve

got another victim on the line, get down here and let’s torture them for a

while!” Then they’d all be running around, yelling and barking and hav-

ing a wonderful time. Whoever was on the phone, though, would feel

trapped and frustrated.

Why does it seem that children always act up when you’re on the

phone? At first I thought it was because the kids were jealous because

their parent was talking to someone else and ignoring them. There may

be some of this feeling, but now I believe the main reason is that the

youngsters think you are
helpless
. The kids seem to believe that since

your head is attached to the phone, you won’t be able to do anything to

counter their raising a ruckus.

What you do is count the children just as you would if you weren’t

on the phone—much like when you have other people over. While you’re

on the phone you have somebody else present—but only listening, not

50 1-2-3 MAGIC

watching. You may have to interrupt your conversation to count. You

may have to put the phone down, explain what you’re doing to the person

you’re talking to, or even hang up so you can escort a little one to her

room. Long distance calls can become more expensive, but whatever it

takes, do it. Otherwise the children will know that you are a sitting duck

every time someone calls and you’ll get the royal treatment.

This phone routine is not easy in the beginning. After a while,

though, many parents succeed in training the children to the point where

the adults don’t have to say anything while counting. They simply hold

up the appropriate number of fingers while they continue their conversa-

tion! And the children respond because they know Mom or Dad means

business. If you have gotten to this point, it’s a mighty handy tactic to

use when you’re talking on the telephone.

15. Does being counted hurt the child’s self-esteem?

Most kids aren’t counted a lot, so the mere quantity of counts is usually

not a problem. Once you’ve gotten started at home, many children will

not get any counts for days at a time. In a regular education classroom,

on an average day, fewer than five children will get any count at all.

For those children who do get counted more often, if you are do-

ing the 1-2-3 correctly, there should be no significant threat of hurting

self-esteem. What
will
hurt youngsters’ self-esteem is all the yelling,

arguing, name-calling, belittling, sarcasm or hitting you may do if you

don’t control yourself and do the program right. In addition, as you will

see later, your overall feedback to your children should be much more

positive than negative. And one count is one bit of negative feedback.

Therefore, you will want to more than balance off your occasional count-

ing with other activities or strategies, such as affection, shared fun, active

listening and praise.

16. What if the kid wrecks the room during his so-called “rest

period”?

By far, the vast majority of children will not be room wreckers. Only a

small percentage of kids will throw things around and mess up the room.

An even smaller percentage of children will break things, tear their beds

TWENTY QUESTIONS 51

apart or kick holes in the wall. These kids do exist, however, and their

parents need to know how to handle these sometimes scary actions.

The whole point behind
1-2-3 Magic
is that parents be ready for

anything, rather than feeling defensive and worrying, “Oh no, what is he

going to do now?” We want your attitude and message to the children

to be something like this: “You’re my child and I’m your parent. I love

you, and it’s my job to train and discipline you. I don’t expect you to be

perfect, and when you do do something wrong, this is what I will do.”

The credit for the solution to the room-wrecking problem comes

from a couple who visited my office a long time ago. They had an eight-

year-old boy who was very nice to me in my office, but—according to

his Mom and Dad—“hell on wheels” everywhere else. These parents said

they were thinking of putting this boy’s name on their mail box, because

it felt like he was running the house. They often referred to their son as

“King Louis XIV.”

This behavior obviously couldn’t go on, so I asked these parents if

they wanted to learn
1-2-3 Magic
. They said yes. I taught them the pro-

gram, prepared them for testing and manipulation and they went home to

get started. This boy had been used to running the house—but little did

he know, when his parents got home they were ready for him.

When King Louis hit 3 for the first time, he could not believe

what happened. How his parents got him to his room for his first “rest

period” is still a mystery, but when he got there, he totally—and I mean

totally—trashed the place. His first tactic, and perhaps the favorite of all

room wreckers—was to empty his dresser and throw his clothes al over the

floor. Then he ripped the blankets and sheets off his bed. Next he pushed

the mattress and box springs off the bed frame. Then he proceeded to his

closet, took out all his hanging clothes, and one by one threw them all

over the room. After that, all his toys were flung out of the closet. Finally,

he went to the window and tore down his curtains.

What did his parents do? Amazingly, they never called me. The

first thing they did was nothing! They didn’t clean up the mess or have

King Louis clean it up. Any cleaning up would only have meant loading

the boy’s gun again for the next time out: another perfectly neat room to

wreck. Second, Mom and Dad continued to count their son aggressively

but fairly. When the young lad earned a 3, he got a 3 and a consequence.

52 1-2-3 MAGIC

No fudging around with fractions such as, “That’s 2-and-a-half, that’s

2- and-three-quarters, or that’s 2-and-nine-tenths.” The parents would

just hit him with his well-earned 3 and then send him to his bedroom to

rearrange the trash. When bedtime came, this boy had to find his pajamas.

He also had to find his bed. In the mornings, his clothes for school didn’t

match for a week.

How long did it take for King Louis to

Key Concepts… learn that there was new management in the old

Most parents will not maison? It took about ten days for him to start

have children who

calming down during time out. Then, after three

wreck the room

or four days of peaceful time outs, his parents

during time out.

But those moms helped him clean up his room. After that—believe

and dads who

it or not—he hated to be counted, and his parents

do better be ready! Don’t

would stop him on a dime with a count of 1.

be intimidated they’re just

Now, did we break this boy’s spirit? Was he

kids. And be sure to follow

our simple rules.

now going to be an eternal marshmallow for the

rest of his life? Certainly not. Now he was really

and consistently the nice kid I had seen in the office, and his parents were

in charge of their own house as they should have been. In addition, the

boy started behaving better in school, where the teacher was also using

the 1-2-3.

If you think you are going to have a room wrecker, before starting

the 1-2-3 check out two things. If there is anything dangerous or harmful

in the room, or anything valuable that can be broken, take it out before the

first “rest period.” For example, if the child has a hammer and a saw in

the room, or if Grandma has her Hummel collection on top of his dresser,

get those out of there before you start counting.

17. Room wrecking is one thing, but what do you do if your

child urinates on the floor during time out?

Some kids have done it—usually preschoolers. You send them to time

out and they are so mad, they pull down their pants and cut loose. What

do you do? You time them out to the bathroom.

I know what you’re thinking: “How naive! Do you really expect

the youngster to use the facilities appropriately?” The answer is “No, we

TWENTY QUESTIONS 53

don’t expect the youngster to use the facilities appropriately.” That’s not

the point. The point is this: What’s easier to clean, the bedroom rug or

the bathroom floor? If the child goes on the bedroom rug, cleaning is an

expensive project. If the child goes on the bathroom floor or the smaller

bathroom rug, it’s a different story.

The same advice holds true if you have one of these children who

can get himself so upset that he throws up. In every workshop I’ve ever

done, there are a few parents who have kids like this. Make sure the

bathroom’s safe, then time him out to the bathroom.

18. Should you ever spank a child?

It’s about time that people face up to reality:
ninety-nine percent of all

spankings are parental temper tantrums
. They are in no way attempts to

train or educate a child. They are simply the angry outburst of a parent

who has lost control, doesn’t know what to do and wants revenge by in-

flicting pain. Parents who have big problems with self-control and anger

management try to justify and rationalize spanking by saying things like,

“You have to set limits,” “It’s for their own good,” and “Having to hit the

kids hurts me more than it does them.”

It’s true there are cultures and groups where spanking is more often

perceived as a legitimate discipline technique. But research tells us that

physical discipline like this tends to generate anxiety in children, lower

their self-esteem and make the kids more likely to become aggressive

themselves. Generally speaking, though, adults who spank do not care

one bit about research. I have on occasion talked till I’m blue in the face

with parents like these, and, sadly enough, changing their opinions and

their discipline habits is often a lost cause.

Remember, the whole point of the 1-2-3 program is to avoid the

Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-Hit routine.

19. Why three counts? Children should respond the first time

you ask! Why give the kids three chances to misbehave?

1-2-3 Magic
is an interesting phenomenon. Some people think counting is

too dictatorial, while others see counting as a sign of parental weakness.

The reason for three counts is simple: you want to give the kids two

54 1-2-3 MAGIC

chances—the first two counts—to shape up (unless what they did was so

serious that it merited an automatic 3). How are children going to learn

to do the right thing if they never get a chance? And with counting, the

“chance” comes right away—in the first few seconds following the count.

That immediate opportunity helps them learn.

20. Shouldn’t the kids ever apologize?

This is a tough question. If you’re currently asking the kids to apolo-

gize, and that routine is working well, fine. Keep in mind, however, that

many apologies are really exercises in hypocrisy. Requiring an apology is

often simply part of the child’s punishment—not a learning experience

involving sorrow or compassion.

For example, your two sons have gotten into a fight. You break up

the tussle, then demand that they apologize to one another. The older

boy glares at the younger, and with a sneer on his face says, “I’m sorry.”

His tone is forced, begrudging and sarcastic. Was this a real apology?

Of course not. His comment was merely a continuation of the original

battle, but on a verbal level. These two may be slugging it out again as

soon as your back is turned.

If you want to insist on apologies, make sure that you are not simply

asking your children to lie.

Have we taken care of all possible questions? Not quite. The most