The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (26 page)

twenty minutes, but this procedure seems a little extreme.

Stay on your toes when a hungry little tot who didn’t finish her din-

ner puts the hit on you later for some dessert:

“I’m ready for my ice cream now.”

“You’ll have to finish your dinner first, honey.”

“It’s all cold.”

“We’ll just heat it in the microwave for a few seconds and it’ll

be good as new.”

“I didn’t like it anyway. I just want a little ice cream.”

“Now you know the rules, dear, you have to finish what’s on

your plate first. Remember, we didn’t give you that much in

the first place.”

“I never get anything!”

“What are you talking about—you never get anything?! That’s

enough of that! Either finish your dinner or stop bugging me!”

“I hate you!”

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This interaction was an unfortunate waste of time and was also very

hard on this relationship. The conversation should have gone like this:

“I’m ready for my ice cream now.”

“You’ll have to finish your dinner first, honey.”

“It’s all cold.”

“We’ll just heat it in the microwave for a few seconds and it’ll

be good as new.”

“I didn’t like it anyway. I want just a little ice cream.”

“That’s 1.”

“Then I’ll go to bed starving!” (Walks away)

Mom did much better. There was no useless, little-adult talking, and

then mother ignored her daughter’s martyrdom.

The 3-out-of-4 Rule

Let’s return to the case of Picky Pete. Imagine that Peter’s parents sit down,

review the mealtime situation, and come up with a new plan. Mom and

Dad explain the new deal to their son: If Peter eats three out of four items

on his plate, the boy can have his dessert. The serving sizes will be smaller

and Peter has to at least taste the one thing he doesn’t choose to eat.

The first meal under the new regime goes well. Even though they are

a bit nervous, both parents avoid any anxious prompting. Peter finishes

his smaller portions of pork, mashed potatoes and peas. After tasting it,

he forgoes the salad. He gets ice cream for dessert.

After the mealtime overhaul, the first week passes without any

unpleasant incidents. Peter and his parents actually enjoy one another’s

company; the dinner table conversation is spirited and friendly.

“Pete, how was that movie you saw with your friend?”

“Oh, cool! You guys gotta see it!”

“You really think we’d like it at our advanced ages?”

“Oh, yeah! Let’s go—I’ll go see it again.”

“Well, if your mother’s willing, it might be possible.”

“Mom, you gotta go. It’s so neat! There’s this one part where...”

MEALTIMES 145

That’s the way meals should be. What if Peter and Alicia start

fighting? They would both be counted. In our original scene, it would go

something like this:

Peter: “But I don’t like any of it.”

Mom: “OK, if you don’t finish, there will be no dessert and nothing

else to eat before bed. Do you understand?”

Alicia (Peter’s sister): “I like what we’re having.”

Peter: “Oh, shut up!”

Mom: “That’s 1 for each of you.”

Some of you may wonder why Alicia should be counted. All she did

was say, “I like what we’re having.” The answer: It’s all in her timing.

The Divide-and-Conquer Routine

Many families seem to feel that there is a federal law that dictates that

every family eat supper together each and every night of the year. This

is the time, the experts claim, for “family togetherness” and for each

person to “share his or her day” with everyone else. Sometimes, however,

it seems that dinner simply becomes a time for everyone to share his

hostility
toward everyone else. Tempers as well

as appetites can be lost.

Key Concepts…

What can a parent do to improve this Who says you have to

situation? One solution, obviously, is not to eat dinner together

eat together every night. Though some people every single

consider this sacrilegious, it sure beats fighting night of the

year? Consider

all the time. Now you only have to fight every having some special

other night! Seriously, sometimes you might nights where each person

consider feeding the kids first or letting them eat eats wherever she wishes.

in front of the TV for once. Or, now and then, Or—better yet—have

some nights where one

let the kids eat wherever they want to, as long parent takes one child out

as they bring back their dishes. Then Mom and to eat. It’s different and

Dad can eat in the kitchen or have a peaceful it’s fun!

dinner together later.

Another idea is for each parent to periodically take one child out to

dinner as a kind of special occasion. This one-parent, one-child setup is

146 1-2-3 MAGIC

one that the kids love. It’s also one where sibling rivalry is not possible,

so the parent is much more relaxed and able to enjoy herself.

Think about dinnertime. Eating supper should be a pleasant experi-

ence. In fact, with most children eating is a natural and enjoyable function

that doesn’t require much parental intervention. With a little planning you

can enjoy your evenings a lot more.

Points to Remember...

How to make mealtimes more pleasant and more fun:

1. Small portions and a kitchen timer

2. The 3-out-of-4 Rule

3. The Divide-and-Conquer Routine

17

Homework and Practicing

Is there a potential Nobel Prize winner living in your house?

Homework civil wars can make school nights miserable for the

whole family. A typical scene involves junior sit ing at the kitchen

table after dinner staring out the window with a sour look on his face. The

boy’s favorite sister, who completed her homework years ago, sits in the

other room, smugly watching TV. Mom and dad check into the kitchen

every five or ten minutes to badger the reluctant scholar.

For some families, schoolwork bat les can go on for two, three or four hours

per night. People begin to dread the evening, relationships are strained

severely, and the child in question learns to hate schoolwork more and

more. There are no easy answers to the homework problem; children’s

needs vary depending upon their intelligence and the presence of handi-

caps such as learning disabilities and Attention Deficit Disorder. There are

ways, though, of making things more tolerable and more productive.

Routine Is Critical

First of all, the worst mistake you can make is to ask your child—just when

you happen to think about it—if he has homework. This is an example

of a spontaneous request, and your question is sure to provoke hostility.

147

148 1-2-3 MAGIC

Homework should be a daily
routine
—done at the same time and in the

same place as much as possible.

One of the best ways of setting things up is to have the child come

home, get a snack, goof around for about thirty to forty-five minutes and

then sit down in a quiet spot and try to finish his schoolwork before din-

ner. Then the whole evening is free for the youngster. The evening will

also then be free of homework hassles for you too. For many, but not all,

children, afternoon is preferable to evening for homework because the

child has more energy.

Don’t let your young student do academic work with the TV on. The

television is always out to get your attention. Believe it or not, however,

music from a CD or headset may be fine. For many young children and

teens, music provides consistent background noise, usually is not new to

the child and often tends to block out other household noises.

Natural Consequences

If you are having trouble with homework for the first time—say with

a fourth grader—consider trying the natural consequences
approach first. That means you do nothing: Keep quiet and see if the child and the

teacher can work things out. Too many parents get too anxious way too

soon about their children’s schoolwork, with the result that the grownup

prematurely takes charge and doesn’t give the youngster a chance to

learn—and exercise—true responsibility.

Let your daughter, for example, explain to
her
teacher why
her
work

was not completed. And when your daughter later complains to you about

how irritated her teacher was with her for not turning her homework in,

instead of saying, “I told you so,” say, “That must have been embarrassing

for you, but I’m sure you’ll do better tomorrow.” If this approach doesn’t

seem to be working after a few weeks, then switch to some of the other

alternatives listed below.

Natural consequences is obviously not the method to use, however,

if you have been having homework problems for years and years. With

chronic problems, you will need to take a closer look at why your child

is having such a hard time. Children with learning disabilities and atten-

tion deficit problems, for instance, not only need a well-thought-out daily

HOMEWORK AND PRACTICING 149

homework routine, these kids may also benefit from tutoring, treatment

or other academic accomodations.

Assignment Sheets

Assignment sheets or assignment notebooks can be extremely helpful for

kids who have homework troubles. Assignment notebooks tell you exactly

what work is due for each subject, which—among other benefits—helps

prevent lying about homework. Some schools have even instituted Inter-

net-based “Homework Hotlines,” where forgetful-but-fortunate kids can

log on after hours to find out what their assignments are.

Part of the idea of the assignment sheet, of course, is that after the

child does the work, the parents can check her productions against the

list of items to be done. If this is the procedure you are considering, you

should routinely include our next two homework procedures: the PNP

Method and the Rough Checkout. Failure to do so will result in unneces-

sary conflict and misery.

The PNP Method

Suppose your daughter has just completed her midweek spelling pretest.

There are ten words on the list, and she spelled nine correctly and mis-

spelled one. When she brings you her paper, your job, naturally, is to first

point out to her the word she spelled wrong. Right?

Wrong! PNP stands for “Positive-Negative-Positive.”
Whenever a

youngster brings any piece of schoolwork to you, the first thing out of your