The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (34 page)

tive relationship-building strategies we’re discussing in Part V of this

book, which include one-on-one fun, sympathetic listening and avoiding

overparenting.

Be patient. Reputations are hard to change. Over a period of time,

though, if you keep at the three parenting steps, you will find that you

like your children more and that you are feeling more affectionate toward

them. You’ll also notice that they like you better—and they listen better!—

which leads to your praising them more. When that time comes, the kids’

reputations with you will have turned around in a positive direction.

In many ways, affection and praise are to kids what water and fer-

tilizer are to plants. Do you really need to teach parents how to express

affection and praise their children? For the most part, I don’t think so.

Sometimes what you do need to do is to point out some of the barriers

that are getting in the way of these natural and extremely valuable pieces

of the parenting job.

Key Concepts...

If there is a positive reinforcement (affection

and praise) deficit in your house, how are you

going to address the problem?

24

Real Magic: One-on-One Fun

To like your child you must have fun with her on a regular basis.

Show me any two people who have fun together frequently and

I’ll show you a good relationship. Just as praise and affection are

like water and fertilizer to a child’s self-esteem, shared fun provides the

same kind of necessary nutrition to a personal relationship. Whether they

are young or old, people who have regular fun together like each other—

period. For many families these days, however, this much-needed shar

ed fun gets put on the back burner because of the unfortunate focus on

two things: busywork and whole-family activities.

Work, Work, Work

Do you remember how you got married? Most of us started out by dating

another person. By and large, that meant fun. Dating was going to the

movies, food, endless getting-to-know-you talks, travel, shopping, parties

with friends and a whole host of other activities. Of course, there were

times that were a little nerve-wracking, like meeting your future in-laws

for the first time, but those were minor blips on the radar screen. The

whole thing was new, exciting and enjoyable.

191

192 1-2-3 MAGIC

Most of us then went on to make what was perhaps one of the most

illogical decisions of our entire existence. We reasoned as follows: Think

of all the fun we’re having now, and we’re not even married. We’re only

together
half
of the time. Once we’re married and together
all
the time, our good times will double!

Admit it—that’s what you believed. What was illogical about that

thought? The irrational part had to do with the fact that getting married

is fundamentally a decision to work together. Now we’ll plan the

wedding, now we’ll get jobs, now we’ll have a

Quik Tip…

baby, now we’l buy a condo, now we’l decorate

To like your kids

the condo and buy furniture. The former fun got

you must enjoy

them regularly.

all mixed up with cooking, laundry, paying bills,

And for them to

raising kids, visiting in-laws, grocery shopping

respond well to your

and millions of other tasks. Gradually you re-

discipline, they must enjoy

alized your relationship was getting more and

and like you too. That

means only one thing:

more strained, and you looked at your spouse

You'd better find regular

and silently thought: “You’re not as much fun

time to play with your

as you used to be.”

youngsters!

In the long run, of course, marriage is a mix-

ture of work and good times, and the successful

couples are the ones who can find the happy balance between work and

play. And since work seems to fill our time so naturally and aggressively,

finding that balance really boils down to maintaining sufficient time for

shared fun. If you asked me what’s more important in a marriage relation-

ship, communication or shared fun, I would answer, “shared fun.”

The same is true in your relationship with each of your children.

To like the kids you must enjoy them regularly. And for them to respond

positively to your discipline well, they must enjoy and like you. Yes, there

is work to be done, but it is absolutely critical that you find time to play

with your youngsters.

Unfortunately, in the hustle and bustle of everyday existence, many of

the daily encounters between parent and child go something like this:

“Time to get up.”

“Here’s your breakfast. No TV till you’re done.”

REAL MAGIC: ONE-ON-ONE FUN 193

“Got your book bag?”

“You don’t have time to play with the dog.”

“Come on now, we’re in a hurry!”

“Don’t forget your coat.”

“Love you, goodbye.”

“How was your day? Got any homework?”

“Leave your sister alone!”

“You’ve got to finish your peas if you want your dessert.”

“You can go to Bobby’s for one hour. I want you back at 8:00

for bed.”

“Give me a kiss goodnight. I don’t think you brushed your teeth.”

How much mutual enjoyment took place on this day? None. The

parent saw the child as a bundle of unpleasant tasks, and the child saw the

parent as a bundle of unpleasant directions. No relationship will remain

healthy when this kind of interaction is the only feeding it gets.

The antidote? Fun.

The Focus on Whole-Family Activities

Brace yourself for some bad news: Family fun today is way overrated.

We consistently hear, for example, that eating dinner as a family every

night is the sure-fire way of preventing crime, drug abuse, academic un-

derachievement, teenage pregnancy and a bunch of other social evils.

Going out with the whole crew is not al it’s cracked up to be for three

reasons. The first is sibling rivalry. Mom and Dad are at the beach, for

instance, with eight-year-old daughter and six-year-old son. The adults

are trying to enjoy the sand, the water and the kids’ interaction. But the boy

says something smart to his sister, who throws her hotdog at her brother,

who laughs as it misses and gets ful of sand. Now both kids are screaming

at each other and everyone on the beach is looking. This isn’t fun.

The second reason fun with the entire family doesn’t always work is

this: The more people you put together in the same place, the greater the

chance for differences of opinion and conflict. At 9:30 a.m. on day two of

their family vacation, for example, the Jeffersons are about to leave their

motel room, but they have a problem. Mark wants to go to Creature Castle,

194 1-2-3 MAGIC

which he saw advertised on the interstate. Cynthia wants to go to the pool,

and she has already put on her suit. Mom wants to have a leisurely cup

of coffee in the restaurant next door to the motel. And finally, Dad wants

to get his usual start to the day by jogging three miles.

The third reason that family fun is overrated is this: The best par-

ent-child bonding occurs in one-on-one parent-child interactions. When

you were dating, you certainly didn’t want to be with other people
all the

time
, especially if the group included a few of your greatest rivals. Simi-

larly, children really cherish alone time with a mother or father, without

the presence of their greatest rivals—their siblings. Watch the kids when

they’re alone with you. They open up, they talk, they feel free and they

kind of blossom. It would be a shame to rarely—or never—experience

that with a child because you’re so busy thinking everybody should be

together all the time.

Play with Your Youngster

It’s very important, therefore, to take your kids, one at a time, and regularly

do something you both like. It’s more peaceful because there’s no fighting;

in fact, there’s no chance of fighting. And coordinating different agendas

is no problem because there are only two agendas to coordinate.

The possibilities for shared one-on-one fun are endless. Many par-

ents I’ve worked with over the years like to take a son or daughter out

to dinner on a schoolnight while everyone else stays home and fends for

themselves. Going to a movie, going shopping, bike riding or just going

out for a drive in the car can also fill the bill. One of the nice things about

getting out of the house is that no one can interrupt you. Your kids will

also like it if you turn your cell phone off for a while.

One-on-one fun, though, does not have to entail going out nor does

it have to involve spending money. Most children love being able to stay

up twenty minutes later on a school night, every now and then, to do

something special with mom or dad. That something might be reading,

just talking or—heaven forbid!—teaching a naïve and inexperienced

parent how to play a video game.

Here are some other ideas for one-on-one playtimes:

REAL MAGIC: ONE-ON-ONE FUN 195

Finger painting in the bathtub

Baking cookies (yes, boys and girls!)

Board or card games

Key Concept…

Reading

The best parent-child

Going to the park

bonding occurs

Reading in the park once you get there

during one-on-one

Playing catch

fun times. Why?

For the kids, they

Jigsaw puzzles

have you all to

Restaurant with playland

themselves! And for you,

Window shopping while walking the mall there’s absolutely no

Planting a child’s garden

chance for sibling rivalry.

Now there’s a formula for

Giving the dog a bath

success!

Planning and shopping for a meal

Doing a collection together (stamps, cards, coins, dolls)

Visiting a museum

Attending a sporting event (including free Little League games!)

Taking cookies to an elderly neighbor

The zoo!

Shared fun can also come in little bits and pieces during the day.

Little bits of fun can be shared and enjoyed when you are talking, listening,

expressing affection or telling jokes. In fact, let’s redo the dreary parent-

child day we experienced earlier and let’s put some fun into it:

“Unfortunately, sleepyhead, it’s time to get up.” Mom rubs child’s

back.