The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (35 page)

“After you demolish your breakfast, you can watch a little TV.”

“Got your two-ton book bag?”

“That dog sure likes you. OK, let’s get outta here!”

“You’re moving faster than I am this morning!”

“Glad you remembered your coat.”

“Love you, goodbye.”

“What was the most fun part of your day?”

“Leave your sister alone. That’s 1.”

“Only three more peas, my dear, and I wil provide you with a huge

dose of chocolate cake.”

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“You can go to Bobby’s for one hour till 8:00. Have a good time.”

“Give me a kiss goodnight. Oops, better brush those teeth.”

That was much friendlier and more fun. Affection, praise, listening

and a sense of humor all helped. Sure, a little sibling rivalry inevitably

sneaked into the picture, but it was handled crisply by counting.

The moral of this chapter? By all means, do things together with the

entire family, but make sure those times are as enjoyable as possible. If

whole-family activities are usually miserable experiences, put some real

thought, planning and experimentation into ironing out the trouble spots.

But whatever you do about whole-family fun, make sure your days and

weeks include regular, one-on-one fun with each of your children.

Points to Remember...

Of all our relationship-building strategies, by far the

most powerful is one-on-one fun: one parent, one child.

25

Active Listening

Stay in touch!

Your ten-year-old son, Tom, comes running in the door after

school yel ing, “My music teacher’s an idiot!” What should you do?

You could count—after all the boy is screaming. But think for a second. He

is
not
screaming at you, he
is
upset about something and you don’t know

what it is. Your priority? Give the child some support and find out what

happened. His being angry is no crime, and his outburst couldn’t be testing

and manipulation, because you didn’t do anything to frustrate him.

Here is a time for what is often called “active listening.” The con-

versation might go something like this:

Tom: “My music teacher’s an idiot!”

Mom: “Tell me what happened.”

Tom: “She made me sing in front of the whole stupid class, and

only one other kid had to do it. She didn’t care, but all my

friend were laughing at me!”

Mom: “What did she make you sing?”

Tom: “I don’t know, some jerk hymn or something.”

Mom: “That must have been awfully embarrassing.”

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Tom: “I’m going to flunk her class—on purpose!”

Mom: “Boy, I haven’t seen you this mad for a while! So what

happened when you had to sing?”

Tom: “She makes me stand in the front of the room, then she

plays her idiot piano, and I don’t even know the words!

I could see Dave was giggling and trying not to laugh. I’d like

to see him do it!”

Mom: “So you thought it wasn’t right for her to make you do it

when no one else had to.”

Tom: “Yeah. Why are they picking on me all the time? What a

totally ignorant school.” (Tom leaves to get a snack.)

Active Listening and Self-Esteem

Active listening is a way of talking to someone with sympathy or empathy

(the distinction between the two isn’t important here). Active listening

is very respectful of another person’s thoughts and feelings, because the

listener doesn’t just sit there, but instead attempts (the “active” part) to

see the world through the other person’s eyes.

Quik Tip…

When you are listening to your child, you

Active listening is

are—like the mother above—forget ing your own

very respectful of

opinions for a while, suspending judgment, and

your child’s

committing yourself to completely understand-

thoughts and feelings.

ing how the child saw a particular situation (you

But listening isn’t easy—

you have to learn to keep

don’t have to agree with him). In our example,

your own opinions to

Mom is not thinking that her son is being dis-

yourself for a while!

respectful or that he caused the trouble. Nor is

she formulating her own response.

Active listening, therefore, tries to accomplish two things: (1) to

understand what another person is saying and thinking—from his or her

point of view, and (2) to communicate back and check your understanding

with the person doing the talking. The listener is an active participant in

the conversation, not someone who just sits and nods from time to time

(although that’s not so bad either!).

Active listening is not easy for parents. Once you get past the point

of feeling artificial or too passive, you can sometimes pleasantly knock

ACTIVE LISTENING 199

the kids right off their feet. And listening is an excellent way to begin

any lengthy, serious conversation.

How Do You Do Active Listening?

First, get yourself in the proper frame of mind: “I’m going to hear this

kid out—even if it kills me—and find out exactly what he thinks.” Next,

several different approaches can be used; and once you get used to them

the whole process should feel very natural. Your listening strategies in-

clude openers, nonjudgmental questions, reflecting feelings and perception

checks or summaries.

Openers

You can start with what are called “openers”—brief comments or ques-

tions designed to elicit further information from your child. These com-

ments often require self-control, and are especially difficult when you

are caught off guard. Openers may also appear incredibly passive to you,

but remember that active listening must precede any problem-solving

discussion. If discipline or other action is necessary, worry about that

after you’ve gotten the facts.

Openers can be very simple, such as “Oh?”, “Wow!”, “Yeah” or “What?”

An opener can be anything that communicates that you are ready and will-

ing to listen sympathetical y, including nonverbal behavior, such as sit ing

down next to the youngster or put ing down the paper to look at him. In the

example above, Mom’s opener was “Tel me what happened.”

Nonjudgmental Questions

After openers, questions are often necessary to further your understand-

ing of what a child is talking about. To be effective, these questions must

not be loaded or judgmental. “Why did you do a stupid thing like that?”,

“What’s your problem today?” or “Why are you bugging me now about

this?” are not good questions. These comments will inspire argument or

silence.

Here are some better questions that keep the talk going and further

understanding: “What do you think made you do that?” or “What was

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going through your mind at the time?” In our example above, Mom asked,

“So what happened when you had to sing?” That was a good question.

Reflecting Feelings

A third active listening strategy is called “reflecting feelings.” If you are

going to tell someone that you think you understand him, try to let him

know that you can imagine how he must have
felt
under the circumstances.

Sometimes, when you reflect feelings, older kids will tell you that you

sound a bit like a shrink. If that’s the case, just say, “Sorry, but I’m just

trying to make sure I understand what you’re talking about.”

In the example above, Mom reflected feelings back at two points:

“That must have been awfully embarrassing” and “Boy, I haven’t seen

you this mad for a while!” Other examples of reflecting feelings might

include: “You really sound bummed out about that,” “That must have

really been fun!” or “You were pretty upset with me.”

Reflecting feelings accomplishes several things. First, it lets the child

know that whatever he is feeling is OK (it’s what he may
do
about it that

can be right or wrong). Second, this response reinforces self-esteem. And

third, reflecting feelings also helps diffuse negative emotions so they are

not acted out somewhere else. You can bet that if Tom’s mother had first

said, “That’s no way to talk about your teachers!”, his anger would have

been redirected at her immediately.

Perception Checks

The name of this tactic may also sound a bit fancy, but the idea is simple.

From time to time during a talk, it is helpful to check out whether or

not you are really getting a good idea of what your youngster is saying.

Perception checks also tell a child that you’re really listening and really

trying to see the world for a moment through his eyes.

Examples of perception checks or summaries might be: “Sounds like

you’re saying that our rules for chores favor your sister”, “You felt it was

your worst day at school this year” or “You wish I weren’t gone so much

so we could do more together?” In the example above, Mom’s summary

was this: “So you thought it wasn’t very fair for her to make you do it

when no one else had to.” That was a nice, sympathetic comment.

ACTIVE LISTENING 201

Active listening is a communication skill, but it is also an attitude.

Your attitude, not your child’s. It’s the attitude of sincerely trying to

figure out what someone else is thinking even if you don’t agree. This,

of course, is a different kind of job if you’re talking to a two-year-old or

a ten-year-old. Either way it’s a great self-esteem builder for children.

You’ll also find that if you listen well you learn a lot about what

your children think about life. Better start listen-