The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (36 page)

ing now, because you’ll certainly want to stay in Quik Tip…

touch with your kids when they’re teens!

Active

listening is a

skill, but it’s also an

Active Listening and Counting

attitude—on your part.

Better start listening now,

So active listening helps you to understand because you’re definitely

your children and listening also helps to diffuse going to want to know

negative emotions. That’s fine, but if you active what your kids are

listened
all the time
, you wouldn’t be any kind thinking when they’re

teenagers!

of a disciplinarian. Active listening, by itself, has

nothing to do with setting limits and enforcing

rules. Imagine this scene:

Son: “Mom—you idiot! My best T-shirt’s still in the wash!”

Mother: “You’re feeling pretty frustrated with me.”

This parent’s response is overly nice. It is also inappropriate. The child’s

disrespect is way out of proportion to the situation and should be con-

fronted.

On the other hand, if you counted
all the time
whenever the kids

were upset, you wouldn’t be a very understanding parent. Your kids would

correctly perceive you as only an instrument of discipline—or worse.

Imagine this summertime scenario:

“I’m bored.”

“That’s 1.”

That’s a pretty insensitive and unnecessary response. Your kids

certainly won’t want to talk to you very often! So how in the world is a

parent supposed to know when to listen and when to count? Sometimes

this decision is easy, but often it’s not. Here are some guidelines.

202 1-2-3 MAGIC

Listen If the Kids Are Not Upset with
You

If the child is upset about something that didn’t have anything to do with

you, it is probably time to active listen. This behavior couldn’t be test-

ing and manipulation directed at you, because you didn’t do anything to

frustrate the child.

You’re in the family room, for example, and seven-year-old David

comes running in from outside yelling:

“THOSE GUYS ARE JERKS!”

“Who’s that, David?”

“The kids across the street—they won’t let me go in their yard.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. They’re just morons.”

“Boy, you sound really upset!”

“Yeah, I’m not playing with those creeps.”

“That sounds like a good idea.”

Dad doesn’t count the yelling. The problem occurred outside and

didn’t have anything to do with this father, so he figures a little active

listening may diffuse the situation.

Or, back to the old summertime refrain (Amanda, 10):

“I’m bored.”

“You’re not having a very good day, huh?”

“No. There’s nothing to do.”

“You try, but you can’t think of anything fun at all?”

“Nope. Can we go get that book I wanted?”

“I’ve got to go to the mall, anyway. Let’s do it.”

“All right!”

Here Mom doesn’t get trapped into making seven suggestions that

will be shot down one by one. Her daughter is not feeling so hot, but this

isn’t badgering or any other type of manipulation. It’s time for a little

sympathetic listening. If the two can work out something to do, fine. If

not, see the next example.

ACTIVE LISTENING 203

If the Upset Switches to You

Sometimes the kids will start out upset by something else, but then their

frustration will switch to the parent. In that case, try active listening, but

you had better be ready to count.

Amanda’s situation above is a little tricky. What if Mom doesn’t

want to do anything or can’t go out?

“I’m bored.”

“You’re not having a very good day, huh?”

“No. There’s nothing to do.”

“You try, but you can’t think of anything fun at all?”

“Nope. Can we go get that new book I wanted?”

“I can’t, honey.”

“Aw, why not?”

“I’ve got things to do here.”

“What do you have to do?”

“Plenty. Look, why don’t you call Megan and see if she wants to

do something. I could maybe pick her up.”

“If you can pick her up, why can’t you take me to get my book?”

“That’s 1.”

“Oh for pete’s sake.” (Amanda leaves.)

Here Mom tries active listening, but it doesn’t defuse the situation.

Amanda puts the hit on her mother to be the local entertainment com-

mittee. Mom can’t produce the desired services, so Amanda gets into

badgering, martyrdom and intimidation. Mom catches herself getting

verbally involved in the impossible, and starts counting.

Discuss Problems, Count Attacks

What if the kids are upset with you in the first place? This situation gets

even trickier. It depends partly upon how the little ones approach you.

In general the rule is “Discuss Problems, Count Attacks.” “Mom—you

idiot—my best T-shirt’s still in the wash!” is an attack from the start, and

many parents would give an immediate 3 for the “idiot” remark.

204 1-2-3 MAGIC

Some children’s comments are not quite attacks, and if a parent uses

a little active listening, the emotion may be diffused:

“Why are you making me do this stupid homework now!?”

“Homework’s a real bummer, isn’t it?”

“Oh, brother.” (Child starts his homework with a sigh.)

Here the active listening helped diffuse the unpleasant emotion so

the child didn’t act on it. Keep the 1-2-3 ready in your back pocket, though,

because you may not always be so lucky:

“Why are you making me do this stupid homework now?!”

“Homework’s a real bummer, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I hate it!”

“Boy, you really don’t like it, do you?”

“I could be rollerblading with Jason.”

“You’d really prefer to be outside playing.”

“DON’T JUST SAY BACK EVERYTHING I SAY!”

“That’s 1.”

Remarkable presence of mind on the part of this parent.

Caution

1. You are a good active listener if, while your child is

talking,you are sincerely trying to understand what he is saying.

2. You are a bad active listener if, while your child is talking,

you are preparing your rebuttal.

26

Your New Life

It’s a whole new world when you enjoy your own kids.

At this point you are well into our three parenting steps. You are

controlling obnoxious behavior with counting; you are using the

seven Start behavior tactics to encourage good behavior (and have come

up with a few of your own!); and you are consistently working on build-

ing your relationship with each of your children by means of affection,

praise, listening and—most important of all—one-on-one fun.

1-2-3 Magic
is known for producing results. It works—and it often

works in a very short period of time. No magic. Just the logical, consistent

application of certain basic principles of parenting technology to the
nth

degree. Just one more caution, though, before we let you go.

Falling Off the Wagon

Nobody is perfect. Parents and teachers are human beings who have

good days and bad days. Many people have used the 1-2-3 religiously

for years and years. For other caretakers it is a struggle to stay consistent

and to remember what you’re supposed to be doing.

The problem we’re talking about here is called “slipping.” Some

people call it backsliding. It means you start out well with
1-2-3 Magic
,

205

206 1-2-3 MAGIC

get the kids shaped up, but then slip back into your old unproductive

ways of operating. The 1-2-3 switch sort of goes to the “Off” position.

The former status quo has a nasty way of sneaking back up on us. Falling

off the wagon can occur suddenly on an especially bad day, or slipping

can happen more gradually over a period of months or even years.

In the course of a day it’s easy to get distracted when there’s

always so much going on. You have to go to work,

Quik Tip…

drive the kids all over the place, cook (or get fast

Over the years,

food), answer junk phone calls, help with home-

slipping can occur work, call your mother, try to find a little time to

for a number of

read the paper and so on. When you’re trying to

reasons.The most

do nine things at once, who can remember the

common are travel,

visitors, illness, time and

No-Talking and No-Emotion Rules?

new babies. If necessary,

You can! It’s not always easy, but it beats

redo the Kickoff

arguing and screaming, which only add to your

Conversation and go

troubles, making you feel angry and guilty on top

back to what you know

works best.

of everything else. Remember:
1-2-3 Magic
was

specifically created for busy parents like yourself

who are inevitably going to get upset from time to time.

Over the long term, slipping can occur for a number of reasons. The

most frequent culprits are visitors, illness, travel, new babies and just plain

time. Gradually you find yourself talking too much, getting too excited

and frustrated, and not enjoying your kids anymore. Then one night, you

wake up at 3:00 and wonder, “What happened to the 1-2-3?”

What do you do when you find yourself—over the short or long

term—falling back into your old ways? First of all, accept slipping as

normal. Nobody’s perfect, including you, and you shouldn’t expect your-

self to be. Life—especially with kids—is also quite a bit more complex

than any of us ever anticipated.

Second, it’s
back to basics
. Almost invariably, when parents come

to me and say “The 1-2-3 is not working anymore,” what is happening

is a major violation of the No-Talking and No-Emotion Rules. This point

cannot be emphasized strongly enough. So we sit down and review the

1-2-3 Magic
theory and the procedures very carefully, and then send

mom and dad on their way. This brief refresher course usually takes care

of the problem.

YOUR NEW LIFE 207

Fortunately, the Stop and Start behavior methods described here are

simple and can be resurrected and reapplied with little difficulty. The fact

that you’ve used them once and slipped does not hurt their effectiveness

the second time around. Turn that 1-2-3 switch back to “On.”

When you have caught yourself backsliding on a bad day, you might

say something like this to your kids: “Guys, I’m not doing my job right.

You got me frustrated and I’m talking and yel ing too much. We’re going