Read The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 Online
Authors: Thomas W. Phelan,Chris Webb
Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Parenting, #General
are good times to talk and explain and bad times to talk and explain.
Generally the time when a rule is being enforced is a bad time
. Why?
Because this brief period of time is not a good learning moment for most
kids. You are likely to be irritated with your child. Chances are she is mad
at you, too. She may at the same time feel anxious, guilty and defensive
about what just happened.
Talking during this time of unpleasant emotional arousal produces
two problems. First, talking at this point encourages arguing. There are
lots of children who do not relish the idea of humiliating themselves
by admitting that you—and all your reasons—are correct, while their
behavior was absolutely wrong. To save face, therefore, the youngsters
may feel obligated to disagree with you. And if you get into an argument
over what just happened, you have accomplished nothing.
Second, it is very likely that all your ideas about your child’s behav-
ior
are
correct. Parents are not stupid and they do not go around saying
dumb things to their children most of the time. Even though your ideas
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are good, your child is not openminded during discipline episodes. At
that moment she doesn’t want to hear what you have to say, and your
attempts to explain only aggravate her more. This irritation motivates
your daughter to contradict what you are saying—even if only in her
mind. So what have you accomplished? You have given your little one
an opportunity to throw your good ideas into the trash.
When should you talk about problems? You should explain something
right away if a child’s problem behavior is new, unusual or dangerous.
Your child decides to use your couch as a trampoline, for instance. This
behavior is new and unusual, and you also feel it’s dangerous. So you
explain to your son that he can’t jump on the couch because he might hurt
himself or hurt the furniture. Using a new swear word or hitting someone
else are also examples of times when you would explain to your child
why he can’t do something. Remember to keep your explanations short
and to the point. Look at your child’s facial expressions; you can usually
tell when he is tuning you out. If possible, wrap the conversation up at
that point.
Ask a Few Questions First
Instead of jumping in and anxiously explaining right away, when time
permits many parents use a kind of questioning technique to help kids
think a problem through. The questions might be something like these:
What would happen if you did that?
Why is this a good thing to do?
How did you feel when I said that to you?
Why do you think I want you to do your homework?
Why is it bad to push someone?
Why does your teacher ask you to be quiet?
Questioning forces the child to think an issue through himself, rather than
passively listening to a brilliant parental lecture. This required mental
activity, in the presence of a non-angry adult, often helps kids remember
the lesson a little better. Questions followed by brief adult explanations
can be an effective strategy for teaching children how to behave.
WHEN DO YOU TALK? 175
Whether you decide at any one point to explain or to question, keep
in mind that short, calm talking sessions are always better than long,
angry lectures.
Insight Plus Practice
What if a problem behavior is not new, unusual or dangerous, but instead
is minor, but also repetitious and irritating? In spite of your explanations,
for example, your seven-year-old daughter still whines occasionally when
she doesn’t get her way, and she often forgets to pick up after herself.
When she whines, you have told her to use her “big girl voice.” When
she leaves toys and books lying around, you have explained that you are
not the maid.
What’s the problem? The problem is she’s
just a kid! It takes children a while to learn how CAUTION
to avoid Stop behavior and how to successfully It’s not
reasonable or
complete certain Start behaviors. So give your fair for you to expect
youngsters a break—be patient and realistic.
your children to behave
Adults often forget that children’s mastery properly just because
of behavioral skills depends not only on insight you’ve explained
something once to them.
(explanation) but also on practice (repetition). Remember that good
You certainly didn’t master the art of driving a behavior requires practice,
car by simply reading about it in a book. You practice, practice! You did
also did not become a competent driver simply not learn how to drive a
car by reading a book.
because your driving instructor told you where
the ignition, steering wheel, gas pedal and brake
pedal were. Although those concepts were useful bits of knowledge, you
still had to go out and practice, practice, practice. And you had to practice
under different conditions. You had to drive in good and bad weather,
with a pleasant or angry or worried adult, and at times when you were in
a good mood or in a bad mood.
The same is true of your children. Don’t ever underestimate how
much
behavioral rehearsal
is required before kids can master skills such
as talking in a normal voice (when frustrated) and remembering to pick up
after yourself (when you’d much rather run out and play with a friend).
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If you want to give your child a little talk from time to time about
good and bad behavior, by all means do so. But try not to talk right at the
time a rule is being enforced. And keep in mind that kids are not little
adults; you don’t train them to behave just by pouring information into
their heads. In addition to our explanations, we adults often forget that our
youngsters have many other ways of learning good and bad behavior:
• Parental modeling
• Behavior modeling by other children, including siblings
• Books, television and music
• Praise that follows good behavior
• Counting that follows obnoxious behavior
• Adults’ comments regarding the behavior of other people,
including children and adults
• Behavioral experimentation: trying out something and
seeing what happens
• And many more...
When discipline or conflict is not involved, of course, talk as much
as you want to. You can talk all day and all night if you’re both having
a good time. In fact, one of the things most parents love about parenting
is watching their children’s young minds think, grow, learn and change.
Small children are learning machines, and it’s fascinating to be a part
of—and to encourage—that process.
Chapter Summary
1. The time when discipline is being enforced is usually not a
good time to explain, because a child is not openminded.
2. Do explain right away if a problem is new, unusual or
dangerous.
3. Before you talk, ask your child some thought-provoking questions.
4. Remember that kids learn good behavior many different ways!
Part V
Strengthening Your
Relationship
21
Your Child’s Self-Esteem
Realistic, positive self-esteem is the by-product of a life well-lived.
You’ve been working hard and at this point in the
1-2-3 Magic
program you’ve accomplished a lot. You’ve taken the first two gi-
ant parenting steps. Your home is a more peaceful and enjoyable place
in which to live.
Step 1 was learning how to control difficult (Stop) behavior. Now
you routinely and calmly count obnoxious behavior. And the kids cease
and desist, amazingly, almost all the time at 1 or 2. You certainly don’t
miss that whining at all! Sibling rivalry you have accepted as a fact of
life, but the amount of teasing and fighting has dropped dramatically
since you’ve instituted the four basic rules for managing the kids’ battles.
Sure, sometimes you get a little too excited and start chattering some, but
you’re able to catch yourself and quiet down.
In parenting Step 2, you began using the strategies for encouraging
good (Start) behavior. This task was easier because, after you had counted
for a while, the kids understood that when you said something, you meant
business. But you also found out that Start behavior meant more moti-
vation was required for the kids and more motivation was also required
of you! Nevertheless, you established your routines for daily tasks like
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bedtime, eating meals, homework and getting up and out in the morning.
Now the kids are happily doing a lot more on their own and you are not
nagging and arguing anymore. The house is not filled with the screaming
and crying that before were symptomatic of all those aggravating—and
depressing—power struggles. Incredibly, your children are also better at
picking up after themselves; the place is a lot neater!
In short, your kids are better behaved, happier and they listen. You
are able to enjoy their energy, their enthusiasm and their curiosity. You
have discovered that your children are cute, engaging and have a keen
sense of humor. And as a result of all this, you like yourself much more
as a parent.
Well, guess what? It’s time to take the third and last step up the par-
enting ladder. The third step involves strengthening (and enjoying) your
relationship with your child. This last step also includes—inevitably—tak-
ing a realistic look at the issue of your youngster’s self-esteem.
Your Relationship and Your Child’s Self-Esteem
Your relationship with your child and your child’s self-esteem are closely
intertwined. Just about anything you do to improve your relationship
will also improve your child’s self-esteem. But you’ll also be happy to
know that everything you’ve done so far, in parenting steps 1 (controlling
Stop behavior) and 2 (encouraging Start behavior), has also done a lot to
increase the positive self-regard of your son or daughter. To understand
this, we need to take a look at what self-esteem is really all about (for
further information, see our companion volume,
Self-Esteem Revolutions
in Children
).
Self-esteem—for kids and adults—is a tough, serious, reality-based
business. Self-esteem, contrary to what you may have heard, is not a
make-the-kids-feel-good-at-al -costs kind of project. If certain qualities are