The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (30 page)

second time!

Key Concepts...

If ever there were a time when the

No-Talking and

No-Emotion Rules

are important, it’s in the middle of the night!

19

The Family Meeting

Democracy in action—almost

When your children are small, you, the parent, should be the

boss at home. Your parenting should be a kind of benevolent dicta-

torship, where you make most of the decisions, you are the judge and jury,

and you are gentle and kind. Your children will not decide each day what

they have for dinner, when they go to bed or whether or not they show up

for preschool in the morning. The reason for this benevolent dictatorship

arrangement is that you know better than your small kids what is good

for them, and you have a right—and a duty—to impose your wishes on

the youngsters—even if they don’t like it sometimes.

Obviously, counting is a tactic that doesn’t give the kids much

say in the discipline. That’s the way it should be for the welfare of the

children as well as the parents. You decide what is Stop behavior and

you punish it with a brief time out, but you do so in a way that is fair,

calm and not emotionally or physically abusive. Charting and other Start

behavior tactics are often friendlier than counting, but these strategies

are still largely designed and applied by the grownups in the house.

As your little ones get bigger, however, the deal should gradually

change. When your children are seventeen, the household should be

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168 1-2-3 MAGIC

almost, but not quite, a democracy. Almost a democracy means that these

adolescents have a lot more to say about the rules and policies that affect

them. This notion also means that as the years have gone by you have been

giving your kids more and more independence. Ideally, teens should be

making their own decisions about homework, bedtime, choice of friends,

clothes and—to a large extent—diet. Gradually encouraging children’s

growing autonomy is one of a parent’s most important challenges.

How do you go about supporting your kids’ independence and

letting them make more of their own decisions and more of their own

mistakes? As we’ll see a little later, avoiding what I call overparenting is

one critical factor. Another way to foster your children’s growing right

to self-determination is the family meeting.

The Board of Directors

The family meeting is just what the name implies. Everyone in the family

sits down together and, in an organized fashion, discusses some of the

problems they have living together. Some parents use family meeting

time to exchange positive feedback as well. A good time to start family

meetings is when the kids are in the primary grades in school. Don’t try

family meetings when the children are three or four years old; that’s a

good way to go insane inside of twenty-five minutes.

There are several reasons why the family meeting is a good idea. As

the kids get older—and hopefully more rational—it is more appropriate

that they have a bigger voice regarding the issues that affect them, such

as chores, phone use, vacations, allowances and discipline. In addition,

kids will often cooperate better with a decision or policy when they have

had a say in the development of that idea. And finally, children need the

experience of family negotiation for the later time in their lives when they

have their own marriages and families. Unfortunately, far too many mar-

ried adults learn the hard way—when it is too late—that their negotiation

skills stink.

So the family meeting is a good way to start giving the kids more of

a voice in household operations. You can use this domestic get-together to

discuss such communal issues as laundry, allowances, bedtimes, renting

movies, vacations, food, sibling rivalry, etc. The list of potential topics

THE FAMILY MEETING 169

is a long one. Though the meetings will be more democratic, mom and

dad will still have the final say if there is an unresolvable difference of

opinion. Naturally you—and everyone else—will be doing more talking,

but primarily at the meeting itself. The No-Talking rule will still apply

when a policy is being enforced.

The family meeting can take place as often as you wish; once every

week or two is ideal. You can also call special meetings whenever a

unique or urgent problem comes up. And—believe it or not—your kids

can request a meeting themselves.

How to Run the Family Meeting

The format of the family meeting is very simple and the guidelines I’ll

present here are only one of many possible ways you can conduct yours.

Mom or dad (not both at the same time) is usually the chairperson and

has the responsibility for keeping order and for keeping people on task.

Older children can take a try at running the meeting themselves from time

to time if you think they can handle the job well enough. The chairperson

sees to it that the agenda is followed and that each person gets a chance

to speak without being interrupted.

What is the agenda? It’s very simple. Each person in the family brings

to the meeting a problem that he or she wants resolved. Then, with each

issue, the chairperson guides the group through the following steps:

1. One person describes the problem she wants resolved.

2. Every other person gives his or her thoughts and feelings

about that problem.

3. The floor is opened to proposals for solutions; anyone

can speak, but one at a time.

4. A solution to be tried is agreed upon. This final idea may combine

aspects of the suggestions from different people. If there are

disagreements, mom and dad have the final say.

5. The agreed-upon solution is written down on a piece of paper

that is then posted on the refrigerator. Or the solution can be

written in a Family Meeting Journal, notebook or computer.

6. The next person brings up his problem, and steps 2-5 are

repeated.

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Most solutions are considered experimental in the beginning, espe-

cially if the plan is complex and differences of opinion about it are large.

If the proposed resolution doesn’t work too well, that idea can always

be reviewed at the next family meeting. Although proposals should be

concrete, specific and practical, don’t be afraid to make them flexible and

imaginative! (See our “Who’s drinking all the pop?” example later in this

chapter.)

Sitting through these family meetings is not easy. If you’re hoping

these will be warm, fuzzy experiences, they’re not. In fact, family meet-

ings can be downright obnoxious at times, so it’s a good idea to keep

them under an hour so you don’t go crazy. Before our family meetings,

our kids would grumble and tell us that all their friends thought my wife

and I were weird. But once at the meeting, our two youngsters would

certainly put in their two cents worth!

Many parents agree that the family meeting is, paradoxically,
one of

the most aggravating and one of the most effective
things
you can do with your children. If you can get through the process, people in the family do

have a greater tendency to follow through with the agreed-upon solutions.

It’s also nice that everyone has a chance to speak out and to learn some

negotiation skills.

Problems and Solutions: Two Examples

1. The Case of the Disappearing Soda

When she was nine, my daughter brought this weighty issue to our biweekly

family meeting. The girl explained that Mom or Dad usually bought an

eight-pack of soda pop, and there were four people in the family. The

problem was that she wasn’t getting her two bottles. There was never any

left! We all listened to our daughter’s description of the problem, then

brother, Mom and Dad all threw in their opinions.

After some jockeying around we found a solution. When the eight-

pack of pop entered the house, all eight bottles would be initialed with

a felt marker: two for Mom, two for Dad, two for Sister and two for

Brother. If you drank your two bottles, you were done having pop until

the next eight-pack arrived. If you still wanted more pop at some time

THE FAMILY MEETING 171

after you had consumed your own two bottles, you followed a specific

procedure. First, you had to check the eight-pack to see if there were any

full bottles left and, if there were, whose initials were on the bottles. If

there was a full one, you could purchase it for fifty cents from the person

who “owned” it. If the person declined to sell, however, no testing and

manipulation was allowed.

This agreement was posted on the refrigerator and it worked like a

charm.

2. The Unbelievable Case of the Summer Bedtimes

My son brought this issue to one of our family meetings when he was about

eleven. Apparently he and his sister had conspired before the meeting to

suggest that summer bedtime should be different from bedtime during

the school year. In fact, the kids didn’t think they should have a specific

bedtime at all during the summer, since they could sleep the next day.

The unbelievable part of this case is that my wife and I agreed to the

kids’ proposal! Although this idea made us somewhat uneasy, we agreed

to try the plan on one condition: If we parents went to bed before the kids

did, the kids would have to be amazingly quiet and could not wake us up.

Otherwise the deal would be changed.

After a few nights of trial and error, the deal was changed at another

meeting because the kids were waking us up. The new deal, which worked

well, was this: If the kids woke us up, they had to go to bed immediately.

Points to Remember...

Family meetings are effective
and
obnoxious. You will get

a lot accomplished and teach your kids some valuable

negotiating skills. But you’ll also have to put up with a fair

amount of aggravation when people interrupt one another or argue.

Keep the meetings under one hour, be as patient as you can, and

don’t ever expect anyone to want to come!

20

When Do You Talk?

Effective behavior is the result of insight—plus practice.

The No-Talking and No-Emotion rules do not mean that you never

should talk to your kids about their troublesome behavior. But there