The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (17 page)

“OK, OK! Stop that!” Mom gets a kiddie cart for Rita. Rita grabs the

cart, but Mom holds the cart for a second and looks at her

daughter firmly.

“Rita, look at me. You have to promise me you won’t run with the

cart. You might hurt someone. Do you understand me?”

“Yes.”

“And you promise you won’t run with the cart?”

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“Yes.”

“Say I promise.”

“I promise.”

“OK. Now let’s get our stuff. I’ll put some things in your cart.”

Rita does just fine for six minutes. Then she starts running with her

kiddie cart, giggling as she zooms along past the spaghetti sauce. Her

mother pretends she doesn’t notice, then she cuts the shopping trip short

after getting only one-third of the things she needed. Maybe she can come

back later and get the rest of what she wants by herself.

Comment:
A classic example of a child intimidating a parent with

the threat of public embarrassment. Mom is intimidated into a desperate

attempt at little adult reasoning (“You might hurt someone”) and the

elicitation of futile promises.

Let’s give Mom another chance to get this one right. Actually, Rita’s

mother has two choices: (1) counting Rita for speeding and at count 3 taking

away the cart, and (2) not letting Rita have a cart in the first place.

Option 1: Counting Rita for speeding

“Mom! Can I push a cart?”

“Yes, dear. But you have to walk with it. If I count you to 3 for

running, I'll take the cart away.”

Rita does fine for three minutes, then starts running with the

kiddie cart.

“Rita, that’s 1. At 3 you lose the cart.”

Comment:
This approach is much better. There will probably be hell

to pay if Rita hits 3, so Mom should be ready to take the little girl out to

the car for a while till she finishes her tantrum. If returning to the car is

necessary, no parental “I told you so” comments are allowed.

Option 2: Not letting Rita have the kiddie cart

“Mom! Can I push a cart?”

“No. Last time you ran with it.”

“Why can’t I?”

“That’s 1.”

COUNTING IN ACTION 91

“I wanna push my own one!”

“That’s 2.”

Comment
: Good work, Mom!

Dog Teasing

Four-year-old Michael has the dog backed into a corner and pushed up

against the wall. The dog, normally patient, is starting to snarl. Mom

intervenes.

“Michael, please don’t tease the dog, honey.”

(Michael giggles and continues pushing the dog against the wall.)

“That’s 1.”

“No! I wanna pet him.” (Dog snarls again.)

“That’s 2.”

“I WANNA PET HIM!” (Intimidation) (Continues torturing.)

“That’s 3. Upstairs.”

(Michael falls on floor, releasing the dog, but yelling and crying.

Mom drags the unwilling body to the bedroom for time out.)

Comment:
Couldn’t have done it better. No talking while “escorting”

the child to the rest period.

Bedtime Problem

It’s nine o’clock in the evening. Alex is playing an electronic game on

the couch in the living room. His mother enters the room:

“Alex, it’s time to get ready for bed.”

Entranced with his game, Alex does not respond at all.

“Alex, That’s 1.”

Comment:
This is a trick! Should counting be used for bedtime? The

answer is no, because getting ready for bed is a Start behavior—actually,

a series of Start behaviors that take a while to complete. Counting is for

obnoxious or difficult behavior, such as whining, arguing, teasing, fighting

or tantrums, where cooperation takes only a few seconds.

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Requests

Eight-year-old Tom asks his mother if he can use his Dad’s electric jig

saw in the basement tool room.

“I don’t think so. You better wait till Daddy’s home.”

“Oh come on, Mom. I know how to do it.”

“No, I think it’s too dangerous.”

“There’s nothing else to do.” (Badgering, Martyrdom)

“I said no. That’s 1.”

“THAT’S 1! THAT’S 2! THAT’S 3! THAT’S 12! THAT’S

20! THAT’S STUPID!” (Intimidation)

“That’s 2.”

“Didn’t know you could count that high.” (Intimidation)

“That’s 3, take 10 and add 5 for the mouth.”

“Gee, I’ll need a calculator for this one.”

Mom moves toward Tom to escort him if necessary, but he goes to

his bedroom.

Comment:
Mom did very well—one explanation and then she

counted. Mom also adds five for the smart mouth, and she has the pres-

ence of mind to stay cool in spite of the insult. When her son doesn’t go

to the rest period right away, she also does not get caught up in a stupid

argument or little-adult conversation.

Interrupting

Mom and Dad are having an important private conversation on the couch

that has to do with the health of one of their parents. Seven-year-old

Michelle jumps in between them.

“Hi, guys!”

“Hi, honey. Listen, Mom and Dad have to talk about something

very important for a few minutes, so you go play for a little

bit.”

“I wanna be here with you. I promise I won’t listen.”

COUNTING IN ACTION 93

“No, dear. Come on now, you go and play.”

“I don’t have anything to do.” (Badgering)

“Listen, young lady. We’re not going to tell you again!”

“THERE’S NOTHING ELSE FOR ME TO DO!” (Intimidation)

“Do you want a spanking!?”

(Michelle starts crying.) (Martyrdom)

“OK, that’s 1.”

(Michelle leaves, crying.)

Comment:
Pretty sloppy job by Mom and Dad. In fairness to these

parents, this is a touchy situation because Michel e’s entrance is very friendly

and these parents don’t want to tel her what they’re discussing just yet.

They only get around to counting after ridiculous attempts at

persuasion, threatening a spanking and risking World War III for nothing.

They eventual y recover and count, but some damage has stil been done.

Second chance: Let’s take it from the top:

“Hi, guys!”

“Hi, honey. Listen, Mom and Dad have to talk about something

very important for a few minutes, so you go play for a little

bit.”

“I wanna be here with you. I promise I won’t listen.”

“That’s 1.”

“I don’t have anything to do.” (Badgering)

“That’s 2.”

Michelle leaves, a bit teary.

Comment:
Mom and Dad probably feel a little bit guilty, but they

handled the situation well. You can’t give the kids everything.

Talking in Class

During geography, Sally and Marci start a conversation across the aisle.

Mrs. Smith stops her discussion of crops in Argentina.

“Girls, I need your attention.”

The girls stop talking for thirty seconds, but then can’t resist

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finishing what they started.

“Sally, Marci, that’s 1.”

(The girls stop talking.)

Comment:
Crisp and to the point. Easier on the children’s self-esteem

than a lot of self-righteous criticism. Counting in a situation like this also

does not break the flow of instruction.

Arguing

As Mom is working in the kitchen after dinner, eleven-year-old Jeff asks:

“Can I go out after dinner to play?”

“No, dear, you still have homework to do,” says Mom.

“I’ll do it when I come back in, right before bed.”

“That’s what you said last night, honey, and it didn’t work.

Remember?”

“Oh, please Mom. I promise!” (Badgering, Butter Up)

“Get your homework done first, and then you can go out. If you

work hard, it shouldn’t take more than a half-hour.”

“Why can’t I just go out now!? I’ll DO MY STUPID HOME-

WORK!” (Intimidation)

“That’s 1.”

“I can’t wait to grow up so I can go in the army. It’s got to be

more fun than living in this dump.” (Martyrdom)

“That’s 2.”

“All right, all right, all right.” (Jeff goes to start his homework.)

Comment:
Mom did very well here. She tried a little negotiating,

but when that didn’t work she didn’t get caught up in a useless argument

or try to explain why her house wasn’t the same as the military.

Sibling Rivalry II

Sean, 9, and Tammi, 11, are getting into it while trying to play Scrabble

in the living room. Dad is washing dishes in the kitchen.

“It’s my turn.”

COUNTING IN ACTION 95

“No it isn’t. You lost it ’cause you took so long.”

“Give me that. I was going to pick up that one!”

“You scratched me!”

“I did not, you idiot! You started it!”

“You’re so dumb it isn’t funny.”

Dad enters. “What’s going on here?”

“She’s cheating!”

“I am not, lamebrain, you’re too slow!”

“Be quiet, both of you! Tell me what happened.”

General yelling and chaos follow the ill-fated inquiry.

“OK, that’s 1 for both of you.”

General yelling and chaos continue.

“That’s 2.”

Sean dumps the Scrabble board over, grabs a bunch of letters, and

throws them at the piano.

“Sean, that’s 3, take a rest for 10.”

Comment
: Dad recovered pretty well after asking the world’s dumb-

est question. He should have started counting earlier.

Extreme Possessiveness

Haley is four years old. She has a playdate—at her own house—with

another little girl, Alyssa, whom she has just met. Unfortunately, every-

thing Alyssa touches, Haley tries to take away from her. Alyssa is not

aggressive at all, but just stands there looking bewildered after a new toy

has been taken from her hands.

Mom sees the pattern. Alyssa picks up a small red car. Haley moves

in and grabs it. Mom says:

“Haley, that’s 1. You must let Alyssa play with something.”

Haley still doesn’t let go.”

“Haley, that’s 2.”

The little girl releases her hold and lets Alyssa have the car.

“That’s very nice of you, sweetheart.”

Comment:
Good job. Explain, count and praise cooperation.

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Conclusion

What have our tales from the trenches taught us? Kids can certainly catch

you off guard, for one thing! You have to be on your toes and—to be fair

to yourself and the children—you have to make reasonable and fairly

rapid decisions about what is countable and what is not. Good counting

takes a little bit of practice, but once you master the skill, you’ll wonder

how you ever got along without this sanity-saving technique.

Key Concepts...

The “magic” of the 1-2-3 procedure is not in the counting

itself. The power of the method comes primarily from your

ability to accomplish two goals. Your first objective is to explain—

when necessary—and then keep quiet. Your second objective is to

count as calmly and unemotionally as you can. Do these two things

well and your children will start listening to you!

12

More Serious Offenses

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Older preteens sometimes do things that fall into the

category of Stop behavior, but their actions are too serious for our

counting and time-out procedures. Included in this worrisome list of

childhood exploits are lying, stealing, physical fights, cutting school, be-

havioral problems during school, bullying, property damage, pranks, not

coming home, staying out late, smoking and starting fires. Stronger—but

non-abusive—action is now required on a parent’s part. You want to make