The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (20 page)

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love you or that they are bound to grow up to become inmates in a federal

penitentiary. Lying is a problem, though, and it needs to be managed care-

fully and thoughtfully. Over the years, frequent emotional overreactions

from you—combined with badgering and cornering—can help produce

an Accomplished Liar.

Congratulations! You have just learned parenting Step 1: Control-

ling Obnoxious Behavior. You are ready to begin counting and you are

prepared for testing and manipulation from your kids. So now we’re on

to the next giant parenting step: Encouraging Good Behavior.

Points to Remember

1. A principal goal of the Major/Minor System is the

prevention of bigger behavior problems later on.

2. Many parents won’t ever need to use this part of the program.

3. Use the Major/Minor for more serious problems, such as stealing,

bullying, property damage, hours violations and lying.

4. When implementing consequences, be decisive and—although

it’s very hard—be as calm and reasonable as you can!

Part IV

Encouraging

Good Behavior

13

7 Start-Behavior Tactics

Scientists discover room-cleaning gene on chromosome 16!

Now we turn our attention to the second big parenting step: encour-

aging your children
to
do the positive things you want them to do.

We call this behavior category Start behavior, because you want your

children to
start
doing their schoolwork, going to bed, eating their supper,

cleaning their rooms and getting up and out in the morning.

Recall that Start behavior requires more motivation from children

than Stop behavior. While it may only take one second to stop whining

or arguing, tasks such as doing homework or getting up and off to school

may require thirty minutes or more. Kids not only have to start these jobs,

they also have to continue and finish them. Counting difficult behavior

is fairly easy. When it comes to positive behavior, however, moms and

dads have to be more skilled motivators.

It’s a good idea, when beginning this program, to use counting first

for a week to ten days before tackling Start behavior.
If you try to do the

whole program at once (both Stop and Start problems), it may be a little

too much to keep straight. Equally important, it will also be considerably

easier to get the kids to do the good things if you have first gotten back in

control of the house by effectively managing their obnoxious conduct.

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When you begin using your Start behavior tactics, don’t be surprised if you

run into testing and manipulation. Remember, your daughter is not going

to thank you for encouraging her to clean her room. If you have worked

on counting negative behavior first, you will have

Key Concepts… had a fair amount of experience in dealing with

Stop behavior, such as testing, before you tackle

With Start behavior,

you can use more

the task of getting the kids to do the good things.

than one tactic So have the 1-2-3 ready in your back pocket; you

at a time for a

can pull that tool out whenever necessary.

particular

There are seven Start behavior tactics you can

problem. You may

even come up with some

consider using. Sometimes you may use just one

of your own strategies.

tactic, but other times you may use two or three

Remember: Train the kids

for the same problem. While counting obnoxious

to do what you want, or

behavior is fairly straightforward, you can be more

keep quiet!

creative and flexible when managing positive

behavior. In fact, many parents and teachers have

come up with useful and imaginative ideas that are not on our list.

Here are our seven strategies for encouraging good behavior:

1. Positive reinforcement

2. Simple requests

3. Kitchen timers

4. The Docking System

5. Natural consequences

6. Charting

7. Counting (different version)

When dealing with Start behavior, keep in mind one of the basic

rules of
1-2-3 Magic
:
Train the children or keep quiet!
In the 1-2-3 program there is a method for handling just about every kind of problem

your kids can throw at you. So use these methods! Kids, for example, are

not born to be natural room cleaners. If the child isn’t cleaning his room,

train him to clean it. Otherwise, be quiet, clean it yourself or close the

door and don’t look. Training, however, does not mean nagging, arguing,

yelling or hitting.

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With these rules in mind, let’s take a look at the seven tactics you will

use to get the kids to do what they’re supposed to.

1. Positive Reinforcement

Angry people make noise; happy people remain silent. We all suffer from

a biological curse that motivates us to say something to our kids when

we’re angry at them, but to keep quiet when the little ones are doing what

we want them to do. Imagine it’s a Sunday in October and I’m watching

a football game in the afternoon. My two children are in the next room

playing a game with each other, having a great time and getting along very

well. What do you think the chances are that I’m going to get up out of my

chair, walk all the way into the next room, and say, “Gee, I’m delighted

you guys are having such a good time!”? That would be a great thing, but

the chances of my doing it are about zero. Why? Because when adults

are happy and content themselves, they are not particularly motivated to

do anything more than what they’re already doing.

But imagine that my children in the next room start fighting and

screaming. Why do they behave this way?! I can’t even hear the football

game!! Now I am motivated—I’m mad. Now the chances of my getting

up, running into the other room and yelling at the kids to keep quiet are

high. Anger is a much better motivator than contentment. The result is

that our kids are more likely to hear from us when we have negative rather

than positive feedback. Youngsters as well as spouses can start feeling

they’re just a pain in the neck to us.

One powerful antidote to this unfortunate biological orientation inside

us is praise, or positive verbal reinforcement. As the saying goes about

voting in Chicago, praise should be done early and often. Your praise

and other positive interactions with your kids should outnumber your

negative comments by a ratio of about three or four to one. If you look,

you shouldn’t have trouble finding something to reinforce:

“Thanks for doing the dishes.”

“You started your homework all by yourself!”

“That dog really likes you.”

“You kids did a good job of getting along during the movie.”

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“I think you got ready for school in record time this morning!”

“Good job on that math test, John.”

“I saw you out on the soccer field. You played hard—good hustle!”

“That’s wonderful! I can’t believe it! How on earth did you do that?!”

Once you’ve gotten the kids successfully carrying out a particular

Start behavior, positive reinforcement can help keep the cooperation or

good performance going. Many parents, for example, praise or thank their

kids for complying with simple requests or for

following a bedtime or homework routine.

Quik Tip…

Keep a sensitive eye on your son or daugh-

Praise in front of ter, though, because praise should be tailored

other people and

unexpected praise are

to some extent to each child. Some kids like

potent reinforcers. These

rather elaborate, syrupy and emotional verbal

tactics will make your

reinforcement, while others do not. Your eight-

children feel very proud.

year-old daughter, for instance, gets 100 percent

They’ll really appreciate

you for your thoughtful-

on Wednesday on her spelling pretest. You say,

ness—and they’ll keep up

“Oh Melissa, that’s just marvelous! I can’t

the good work!

believe it! We’re going to frame this paper and

also fax it to grandma in Florida!!” Melissa eats

it up. Melissa’s eleven-year-old brother, however, would be nauseated by

that kind of talk. For him, “Good job—keep up the good work,” and a

pat on the shoulder might be enough. Your job is to praise the child, not

to embarrass him.

There are two additional devices you can use to make praise a more

effective boost to a child’s self-esteem: (1)
praise in front of other people

and (2)
unexpected praise
. While you’re talking to your next door

neighbor, for example, your daughter Kelsey walks up. You interrupt your

conversation and say, “You should have seen Kelsey out there on the

soccer field today. Those other kids never knew what hit them!” Kelsey

will beam with pride.

Unexpected praise can also be quite memorable for a child. Your son

is upstairs doing his homework. You call from the bottom of the stairs,

“Hey, Jordan!” Jordan has no idea what’s coming next. You then say,

“Did I tell you what a great job you did on the yard?” Jordan will be

pleased—and perhaps a little relieved!

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How do you keep offering praise and encouragement on a regular

basis? As mentioned before, this task is surprisingly difficult, since most

of us tend to shut up when we are content. Here are two suggestions. First,

see if you can make two or three positive comments for every one nega-

tive comment (by the way, one count is one negative comment). These

positive remarks don’t have to be made at the same time, of course. They

can be made later. If the two-or-three-to-one ratio idea doesn’t appeal to

you, a second strategy is to have a quota system. Each day you make a

deal with yourself that you will make at least five positive comments to

each child (consider doing the same with your spouse).

2. Simple Requests

The problem with simple requests is that they are not so simple. Parental

requests to children can be made more or less effective by the parent’s tone

of voice, the spontaneity of the request and the phrasing of the demand.

We all have different voices. When she was younger, my daughter