The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (19 page)

with a child more specifically in Part V. Here

we’l focus on the Major/Minor System. You will

also set up a well-defined system of behavioral consequences for Mike.

The consequences or punishments will depend on the seriousness of the

behavior involved, varying from major offenses to minor transgressions

(minor offenses here are still more serious than countable problems).

Actually, it’s usually helpful to have a three-level, Major/Medium/Minor

list of consequences that include variations of groundings, fines, chores,

community service or educational activities. For example:

Major Consequences

Grounding
: two weeks restriction to room after dinner and on

weekends; no electronic entertainment (TV, computer, games)

or phone

Fine
: $25 or pay back double the value of stolen or damaged articles

Chores
: 15 hours work around the house

Community service
: 15 hours volunteer work at church or other

institution

Educational activity
: research subject (e.g., smoking) and write

quality eight-page paper, attend group counseling

MORE SERIOUS OFFENSES 103

Medium Consequences

Grounding
: one-week restriction to room after dinner and on week-

ends; no electronic entertainment (TV, computer, games) or

phone

Fine
: $10 or pay back double the value of stolen or damaged articles

Chores
: eight hours work around the house

Community service
: eight hours volunteer work at church or other

institution

Educational activity
: research subject (e.g., smoking) and write

quality four-page paper

Minor Consequences

Grounding
: two day restriction to room after dinner; no electronic

entertainment (TV, computer, games) or phone

Fine
: $5 or pay back double the value of stolen or damaged articles

Chores
: four hours work around the house

Community service
: four hours volunteer work at church or other

institution

Educational activity
: research subject (e.g., smoking) and write

quality two-page paper

The punishments for Major offenses are greater than the punishments

for Medium ones, and Medium consequences are bigger than those for Mi-

nor problems. The above ideas are only suggestions: These guidelines will

certainly be altered by individual families. (Over the years I have learned

that
there will always be
some people who think I am too strict, and others

who think I am not strict enough!) Again, keep in mind that even the Minor

offenses described in this chapter are stil more serious than countable things

such as arguing, yel ing, teasing, whining and so on.

Once you have come up with your punishment classifications, you

decide which behavior merits which class of punishment. When that mis-

behavior occurs, one of the consequences from the list is implemented (not

the whole list!). This process saves a lot of effort and deliberation, and also

lets your youngster know the consequences beforehand if he decides to

mess up. Some parents even let the child choose the consequence—once

the Major, Medium or Minor category has been chosen.

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Recall that your son Mike was acting up more in the last few months.

With Mike you work out the following classifications:

Major Offenses

Coming home more than two hours late

Playing with or starting any fire without parent present

Medium Offenses

Coming home one to two hours late

Getting to school more than five minutes late

Lying about more serious matters

Carrying matches or lighter

Minor Offenses

Coming home up to one hour late

Getting to school less than five minutes late

Lying about homework

Once the system is set up, when Mike pulls a fast one, you simply

categorize it and determine the consequence. No yelling or screaming by

you is allowed, of course, though a
short
explanation or discussion may

occasionally be in order (see Chapter 20). What if the youngster does

something that you didn’t put on the original Major/Minor list? You just

classify it as Major, Medium or Minor and then pick a punishment.

You can adjust the Major/Minor System after you set it up, but be

careful not to make punishments so harsh that they backfire. One family,

I remember, had a Major/Minor System in place, like the one described

above, for their twelve-year-old son. Then one day they found out that

the boy had stolen a bike. The major punishments suddenly didn’t seem

like strong enough consequences for this act, so they told the boy he

was grounded for a year! A discipline response like this will never work

because it will be impossible to enforce and it will probably start a war.

A better punishment would have been a grounding for a month and a

requirement to pay back the value of the bike.

If you’ve been having a serious problem with repeated offenses, you

can also make a chart that keeps track of the number of days in a row in

MORE SERIOUS OFFENSES 105

which the child stays free of trouble. There might even be a reward for this

good performance, such as a special outing with one parent (not with

the whole family!). If serious problems continue

in spite of the Major/Minor System—and in spite Quik Tip…

of your working to improve the relationship with When using the

the youngster—it is time for an evaluation with Major/Minor

a professional.

System, make sure

the consequences aren’t

Several other prevention-oriented thoughts so harsh that they

are in order here. If you have a young lad who backfire. And build in

seems inclined along ODD/CD lines, research some kind of reward for

a child’s going a number

has shown that there are a number of important of days or weeks without

factors that can help prevent future problems. any problem at all. That’s

an accomplishment that

And these factors are—at least to some extent— should be recognized!

under parental control. These problem-reducing

forces include discipline consistency day-to-day, discipline consistency

between parents, marital stability, parental mental health and close—but

reasonable—supervision of the child.

Lying

The problem of children lying is included in this chapter for two reasons:

(1) lying itself is a more serious offense and (2) lying is often used to

cover up other more serious offenses. Lying drives some parents crazy,

and managing this problem is often confusing and difficult. Therefore

we’ll try to provide some basic guidelines.

There are basically two kinds of lies. The first kind involves making

up stories that are designed to impress other people and build up one’s

ego. This type of verbal fabrication is not common in children. The

second—and by far the most common type—is lying to avoid trouble.

This type may involve covering up a past misdeed or trying to get out of

some unpleasant task. Kids who steal, for example, will almost always

lie about the theft when they are initially confronted. Other kids lie about

not having homework so they won’t have to face a boring job.

When it comes to dealing with lying, parents, first of all, should re-

member not to treat the act as if it were the equivalent of homicide, grand

larceny or adultery. Not telling the truth certainly isn’t a good thing, but

106 1-2-3 MAGIC

it’s not a truly terrible behavior. Many parents get so upset about lying

that they act as though the world were coming to an end. Consequently,

these grownups lead the child to believe that he is a horrible person for

having lied.

What Should You Do About Lying?

The school calls on Tuesday at 1:00 to tell you that your ten-year-old son,

Tom, got into a fight with a boy named Davey Smith at lunchtime. At 3:45

Tom comes home. Mom starts the conversation like this:

“How was your day?”

“Good. You made me my favorite sandwich for lunch.”

“Speaking of lunchtime, how did that go?”

“Fine, we played some baseball.”

“Anything unusual happen?

“No.”

“OK, listen, young man. You’re lying to me. I got a call from

the school today and Mr. Pasquini told me you got into a fight

with...etc., etc.”

In this conversation the parent is “cornering” the youngster. Sure,

this parent wants to get some information from her son, but
first
Mom

wants to
test
the boy to
see if he’ll tell the truth. Is this the right way to handle the situation? The answer is no.

When you know some kind of trouble has occurred, a primary rule is

this: Don’t corner children. Imagine that one night right after dinner you

give your child the third degree about whether or not he has homework.

He denies having any homework six times and then finally, after your

seventh question, he breaks down and admits that he has some arithmetic

to do. By this time, of course, you are furious, but you also feel victorious

that you finally got the truth out of the kid.

But what has really just happened? You have given your child six

times to practice lying! You may think to yourself, “Sooner or later he’ll

realize he can’t fool me and he’ll give up.” Sometimes kids will give

up, but many children will continue trying to take the easy way out first.

MORE SERIOUS OFFENSES 107

They will simply work to become better liars and you will be helping to

provide them with their practice sessions.

Here’s a more constructive approach. Imagine something bad has

happened. You either know the truth or you don’t. If you don’t know

what occurred, ask the youngster once what happened. If he tells you the

story and you find out later that the child lied, punish him for whatever

the offense was as well as for the lie, using the Major/Minor System.

Try not to surprise the child by asking your question “impulsively,”

or on the spur of the moment. Many kids simply respond impulsively.

They lie, but their real desire is just to end the conversation, get rid of

you and stay out of trouble.

What if something bad has happened and you already know all the

gory details? You might say something like this: “I want you to tell me

the story of what happened at lunch today, but not right now. Think about

it a while and we’ll talk in fifteen minutes. But remember I already talked

with Mr. Pasquini.” No lectures or tantrums from you.

There is another option many parents use when (1) they already

know what happened and (2) the child is very likely to lie about the event

no matter how the questions are phrased. In this case you simply tell the

youngster what you know and then calmly mete out the punishment. You

do not even give the child the chance to lie. Under these circumstances

many kids will blow up and accuse you of not trusting them (Testing

Tactic #2, temper). Manage the testing by ignoring their statement or

counting them, and end the conversation with, “I’m sure you’ll do better

next time.”

When you have a child who uses lying regularly to avoid unpleasant

tasks, such as chores or homework, try to fix the problem—as much as

you can—so that lying does not seem necessary to the child. If your son

continually lies about homework, for example, work out some kind of

communication with the teacher, such as a daily assignment sheet. Then

use the tactics described in Chapter 17, such as the PNP routine and Rough

Checkout. For chores, consider fixing the problem by the judicious use

of other Start behavior strategies (see Chapter 13).

Lying is not good, but it certainly isn’t the end of the world either.

Most people, children as well as adults, probably tell a few “stretchers”

from time to time. Not telling the truth doesn’t mean that your kids don’t