Love Survives (16 page)

I realize that I was being irrational, but to be in my situation one couldn’t begin to grasp what it was like to wake up to random sounds of gunfire or explosions, or even military helicopters landing to either bring in more troops, supplies, or even fly out the dead.

A couple things happened to me in the next several days. I was being transferred to a different unit. At first I thought it was for my lack of group participation. Perhaps someone had complained about my being withdrawn. It wasn’t until I saw him turn around that I knew it was for another reason. Trevor Mullins spread his arms out and welcomed my manly hug. “Did you miss me, pretty boy?”

“What the hell are you doing here?” It had been months since I’d seen him, but in that time he’d changed. His face was scruffy, and his eyes looked tired. “You look like shit.”

“It’s been a hard few months, man. I guess you haven’t heard what happened.” He pulled me to the side, away from all  the other soldiers standing around. From the way he hesitated I could tell it was something bad. “They’re gone, Brooks. My girls are gone.”

“Gone? Did you separate?” I thought maybe his wife left him. She hated what he did for a living.

He shook his head and looked down, only coming back up with pools of anguish in his eyes. “First I lost my little girl. She’d been up crying for hours, and neither Amanda nor I could keep our eyes open any longer. We put her in bed with us to soothe her. When we woke up the next morning she was cold.” He turned away and scrunched his face up. I placed my hand on his shoulder, absorbing some of the same pain as it rushed through him. “There was nothing the paramedics could do. She was already too far gone.”

“I’m sorry,” was all I could manage to say.

“My little girl died inches away from me and I couldn’t do anything to prevent it. While we selfishly slept she suffered. The doctors said it was SIDS, but who knows for sure. At any point we could have rolled on top of her. I hate thinking about it, but the thought never leaves my mind. It tortures me, man. I missed being there was she was born, only to be so close when she took her last breath.”

“What about Amanda?” He loved his wife, so it made no sense why they weren’t together. He was entitled to bereavement, so they’d obviously been together when it all occurred.

“She left. We’d started going to counseling, but it was too much. She couldn’t handle talking about it. The more we sought out help the harder it got at home. One night she never came home. I got a call a week later that she’d met someone else; someone who didn’t remind her of our little girl. I figured it was just a stage in her recovery. I would have taken her back, Brooks. I get that she needed to cope differently than I did, but I was alone. I couldn’t even go into my bedroom without thinking of them. One night I ripped my mattress into the backyard and burned it. The neighbors called the fire department, and then the fucking military cops showed up. Even though I knew I had a choice, they gave me a few options with how to make the problem go away.”

“Don’t tell me you came here on your own free will.”

“Okay, I won’t,” he laughed out.

“Trev, seriously, this ain’t the answer. It’s bad. It’s ugly. You wouldn’t believe the shit that I’ve seen.”

He put his hand on my shoulder and looked directly at me. “I have nowhere else to go, brother. I’ve got nothing. I can’t look at what’s left for another second. My parent’s can’t even speak to me without passing judgment for what’s happened. Amanda’s not coming back. She served me with papers three days before I shipped out. I’ve lost everything except for this.”

He’d never be able to understand how I could relate to his pain. Sure, I knew Kat was somewhere living her life, but she was alive.

Then it all hit me.

How did I know she was okay? Something could have happened while I was busy being stubborn.

I spent the rest of the afternoon transferring my things over to my new unit, happy to bunk with Trevor again. We never brought up his baby, or his pending divorce. I could tell he wanted to avoid it, just as much as I needed to do the same with my problems.

July 4
^th
2011

“Mom, it’s me.”

“Brooks? Is it really you?” I could hear her tears clearly as if she wasn’t on another continent.

“Yeah, don’t cry.”

“Just let me get your father. Hang on.” I could hear her calling out his name. Her excitement made all of my reservations about getting in touch with them go away.

My father picked up another line in the house and cleared his voice before answering. “Brooks?”

“Hi, dad.”

“We’ve been worried, son. Have you not been getting our letters?”

“I write once a week. Do you think we have the wrong address?” my mom asked.

It hurt to tell them the truth. “We’ve been away from the command center for a few months. I just got back,” I lied.

“Are you okay? Is it safe there?” She questioned. I couldn’t blame her. They watched way too much news to sweeten the conditions.

“I’m fine. How about you? Is everything okay at home?” I couldn’t say her name out loud, and I wasn’t about to ask how Branch was.

“It’s as good as can be expected. Your brother graduated. He’s still living in Salisbury.”

Why hadn’t they mentioned Kat? Immediately I began to worry about her. “I’m sorry for the mess I left.”

“We’re not angry at you, Brooks. You need to know that.”

“Still, my being there ruined everything.”

“It was for the best, son. Your brother has already started seeing someone new.”

I don’t know why this excited me. I was too far away to do anything about it, and they still hadn’t mentioned Kat. I wondered if they’d shut her out. Why else wouldn’t they let me know she was getting by? I decided to approach the situation like I was concerned for my brother. “It’s probably a rouse to get Kat back.” My sarcasm was obvious. If they knew me at all they’d be able to sense how annoyed I was to bring it up.

“Brooks, Katy’s gone. She left the day of the wedding and we haven’t heard from her.”

“What? Where did she go?” I started wondering where someone, with little family, could run to. “Did she go to England?”

“We really don’t know,” my father answered. “She turned off her phone and emptied her accounts. We hired someone to look for her. She used her credit cards the day she left, but never again. We pray for her, Brooks. We don’t blame her for what happened. We just want her to come home.”

“I need to go,” I said abruptly. I couldn’t stay on the phone with them when all I wanted to do was get on a plane and find her. I was desperate to know if she was okay.

“Please keep it touch, Brooks. We worry about you. Write us. Find some way to let us know you’re okay.” My mom was trying to keep me on the phone longer, but our chat was over. In some ways it had been a mistake.

“We love you,” my dad cut her off.

“I love you too. Goodbye.”

That night I waited in line to use a laptop with a satellite internet signal. I searched for her, on every social media site possible, with no result. My parents were right. She’d dropped off the face of the earth, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it, especially being so far away.

Chapter 19

July 5
^th
, 2011

Kat’s out there
somewhere, all alone, and it’s killing me inside, just like the moment I knew she’d left me in that hotel room. I would have followed her anywhere. All she had to do was ask me to be a part of her life. Since she hadn’t given me that option I’m stuck wondering if she ever loved me the way I clearly love her. I don’t know why I’m writing in this damn journal.

I guess after hearing about my friend’s child and wife, I can’t help but wonder about my own broken heart. Why am I holding onto some hope that I’ll have her in my arms again? It makes no sense, and that’s the reason I won’t share my feelings about it with anyone. They’ll just laugh at me for loving her so much. When I close my eyes we’re together. She’s running through a field of tall grasses, while beams of sun are shining down, highlighting her brown wavy hair. The smile on her face makes me beam, and I stand there, arms open, waiting to catch her when she comes into my reach. I want to lay there in that field with her until the sun sets, and even after. It’s no longer about making love. In that moment I know she’s mine, and nothing can tear us apart again.

I just wish I could talk to her. I want to tell her that I miss her. I need to know she’s okay.

I need to know she’s still alive.

That next evening I was faced with the scariest situation of my existence. We could hear the gunfire while proceeding toward the danger zone. The Taliban had attacked this particular location, leaving a path for us to follow. In this instance, the military had gotten to the area in time to corner some of those involved. While units surrounded the vicinity, we were approaching from the northern side, armed and prepared to do whatever it took to free some hostages that had been seized during earlier gun fire.

I’d been trained for this. I’d had years to prepare, but nothing could stop my hands from shaking. Each step I took toward the enemy made me think harder about my decisions. If I died on this battleground, I’d be flown back to the states and buried as a hero, but I wouldn’t see myself that way. I was a coward, one that had run and hid, instead of standing up for what I wanted so long ago. I hadn’t done all that I could have to be with Kat, or to make my life something other than it was.

I couldn’t have anticipated to see boys, no more than fourteen, standing there firing weapons almost as big as they were. Even through binoculars, I could see the hate in their eyes, knowing they’d been taught this way of life. Then I watched them falling to the ground, simultaneously, while gunfire continued to shoot from their weapons. Down they fell, taking their last breaths, dying for what they’d been told was right.

I don’t recall aiming my weapon, or even firing my first shot. Once I saw the man in the window pointing his gun at a soldier, I reacted. I held onto that trigger until I watched him fall two stories to the hard ground. The noise around me ceased to exist. I’d killed for the first time, and with that came confusing, and brutal guilt. That person had been fighting for what they believed in. He was someone’s son. He bled the same color as me.

My thoughts overwhelmed me until my name snapped me out of it. “Valentine, cover me,” Mullins yelled.

I nodded and held my weapon still, scoping out anyone or anything that would cause my friend harm. When he ducked down behind a building, positioning to watch as I followed, he started firing. I ran fast, shooting the entire time. Like slow motion I was willing to take down anything in front of me. Behind Mullins, I saw a shadow peering around the corner. With nothing but a large knife in his hand, an older man came at him. I shot one time, clipping him in the temple. He fell to the ground, the blade landing right in front of where Mullins stood speechless. There was no time to check on each other. We were directly in the line of fire, and if we didn’t keep our focus, we weren’t making it out alive.

On our radios, we were being directed to a safe area. Resources were on the way, but with the amount of smoke in the air we couldn’t see or hear helicopters or even fighter jets.

Two more members of our unit reached our location, panting for air from running so fast. A female named Anderson had been shot in the thigh. She sunk down to the ground, screaming in agony. We rushed to her side, ripping some fabric, forming a tourniquet in order to stop the excess bleeding. In that moment I pretended she was Kat. My mission was to get her to safety, no matter if my life was taken in doing so. If we could make it to the safe house, she’d survive. I was pretty sure it hadn’t hit an artery. If I had to drag her, I would.

Anderson hopped back to a standing position. She reloaded her weapon and looked directly into my eyes. It was the first real connection I’d had and thinking it could be my last moments breathing changed me. “You can do this. Stay behind me. No matter what happens, keep going. Do you hear me, soldier?”

When I turned around, I saw Mullins standing over the other ranger. He shook his head when our eyes met. While I’d been attending to Anderson, he’d been shot in the neck. It was obvious he was gone. Mullins picked him up over his shoulder, prepared to carry him out anyway. “We need to get moving. The bullets are getting too close.”

I turned to look at Anderson. She was cocked and ready. Since I had to cover both of them, I took in the surrounding area and started firing where I saw bright lights from weapons unloading. Structure by structure we traveled together, at this point we were fighting to stay alive.

Finally, we were greeted by soldiers waving us down. I recognized our lieutenant as the three of us jumped into a large vehicle. While a medic assessed the damage to Anderson’s leg, I turned back to watch something exploding into the air. The noise of fighter jets broke the sound barrier as they flew away from the cloud of fire.