Love Survives (18 page)

October 2
^nd

Last week a new troop came into camp. Mullins noticed the two women first, insisting that I need to get laid. In some ways maybe he’s right. I definitely want to be able to unwind from the tension I put myself through daily. I still don’t know if getting involved in anything sexual would alleviate the aggravation I carried with me. For me, Kat will always be the one, even if I never see her again. Since I’m not an idiot, it’s obvious I can’t go forever without physical contact. Just because she isn’t with Branch doesn’t mean she won’t move on. I get it. I even understand it in some ways. She’s living in another country. We can’t be together even if it was possible. I guess it’s time to stop punishing myself for what I couldn’t change. I can’t keep living in daydreams and fantasies about the life we’re never going to have. I can’t allow myself to continue to hope that we have a chance. Kat’s gone, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

I let Mullins take the lead, watching him hit on the first woman. She was curvier than her friend and reminded me a lot of his ex-wife. It made me sad seeing him go after someone that resembled her though the selections on base were slim. Most women were married or batted for the opposite team, not that I was scoping it out, but people talk.

The first night we hung out in the rec room getting to know each other. Allison Sampson was a twenty five year old California native, who had a love for surfing and cappuccinos. She’d also been fourth generation military, choosing the Army over Navy at the last minute. Right away Mullins was in awe over her, minus the drool. For me, Hilary Spencer, who liked to be called Spence, was someone to pass the time with. She was from North Carolina, grew up without knowing who her parents were, and joined the military for their education program. She had short brown hair that was straight as a needle, and she had dark brown eyes that seemed to appear endless.

“Do you have a girlfriend or a wife back home?” I’d answered her questions up until this one. Suddenly I found my ability to reply difficult. While I struggled to come to terms that I was alone, she spoke for me. “It’s not a hard answer. I’ll take that as a yes.”

“It’s not like that,” I replied. “We were never together.”

She crossed her legs while giving me a curious stare. “Don’t tell me you’re holding out for someone. Have you not looked outside lately? Life is too short.”

“What about you?” I changed the subject.

A half-smile formed across her face. “There’s someone back home. We’ve been together for three years on and off. When I go home I’m sure we’ll hook back up, but neither of us are a fool to what being apart does to some relationships. We agreed that while I was away we’d do our own thing.” I must have seemed shocked. She released an air-filled laugh and shook her head. “Judge away. My family thinks I’m stupid. At the end of the day it all comes down to reality. It wouldn’t be fair to string each other along. He knows I’m going to be here for a while. We’ll talk when we can, but I can’t expect him to live alone without daily contact. We’re not married.”

“No, it takes a strong woman to be so confident.”

“So back to this girl. Does she even know you exist?”

My brow furrowed, and I think right away she knew I was uncomfortable. “Yes. I’ve known her my whole life. If it’s okay with you, I’d rather not get into it.”

For the rest of the evening we talked about the Army; the fun, scary, and everything else. While Mullins and his new friend disappeared for a little while, I took my time, feeling this girl out. I still wasn’t sold on the idea of hooking up, but it passed the time. Unfortunately, it also made me miss Kat.

After a month of hanging out, the four of us became inseparable on the base. Sure, we each had jobs to do, but when they were over we spent our down-time together. Mullins and Anderson were tied at the hip. They’d been sleeping together since three days after they met while I still hadn’t even kissed Spence. I could tell she was anxious, and maybe a bit reluctant. I refused to share my feelings about Kat. It hurt too much to think that I had to move on; that my chances of ever being with her again were never going to happen.

On a chilly night, outside, while the wind was whipping the sand around, I laid next to Spence on the ground, holding her hand. We were staring up at the stars in the sky, both imagining that we were somewhere else. I didn’t try to ask about her ex, but it was obvious she still loved him.

“Sometimes I like to pretend he’s out there somewhere looking at the same bright sky. Do you ever do that, Valentine?”

“Yeah. I guess.”

She rolled over to be facing me and placed her hand on my chest. We were both in fatigues, so there was nothing sexy about her touch. “I’m not a shrink, but it’s obvious you have it bad for this woman. You never talk about it, albeit you don’t even have to. The truth is written across your heartbroken face. What happened to you, Brooks?” She never called me by my first name. This made the conversation more serious.

“Kat was my first love. Our parents were best friends, and we lived next door to them. They were both killed on 9-11.”

“Oh my god,” she interrupted.

“Kat came to live with us when we were twelve. The three of us were inseparable back then.”

“Wait? Three of you?”

“My brother.” I cleared my voice. “My twin brother, Branch. He was the third musketeer.”

“You have a twin?” She smirked that it was interesting.

“An evil twin. A brother that would stop at nothing to steal her away from me. For years he told the both of us lies so we wouldn’t attempt to be together. When she chose him I stepped aside. I joined the military and moved away.”

“That’s so sad. Are they still together?”

I let out a chuckle. This was going to either make her get up and never talk to me again, or maybe laugh in my face. “We slept together the night before they were supposed to get married. That’s the last time I’ve seen her.”

She sat up abruptly. “What? You’re kidding?”

“No, I’m not. It wasn’t planned. A lot of truths came out, and it happened. You may think I’m an asshole, but I don’t regret it. I wouldn’t change anything about that night with her.”

“Did they still get married?”

I looked away. “No. She ran away from everything. Even a private investigator can’t track her down. I just found out about it when I finally called home. It happened last Christmas, and nobody has heard from her since. I don’t even know if she’s alive.”

“That’s terrible. You don’t think she hurt herself do you?”

I shook my head. “No. This might sound stupid, but I’d feel it if she were gone. Wherever Kat is, she doesn’t want to be found.”

“Wow, I’m sorry. I get why you never want to talk about it.”

“Nothing numbs the pain, Spence. It’s always there, reminding me of my mistakes.”

She leaned forward and pressed her lips against mine. Feeling that type of connection while discussing something so personal, opened me to the possibility of drowning everything for as long as possible. I was hungry to survive, no matter what I had to do to make it happen.

I pulled Spence on top of me, appreciating her kisses more than she’d ever know. This wasn’t someone who wanted to win my heart. She was a friend, trying to comfort the hell out of me. Her hat slipped off when I reached up and ran my hands through her hair, pulling it out of the tiny bun. Her kisses were ravening, taking me away from the constant ache. I needed this  to keep going;  to stay sane. After making out until I was ready to explode, we snuck into a small building for supplies. In there we removed our clothes. I picked her up, sitting her on a stacked piled of armor cases. Her legs wrapped around my ass while more ravenous kisses consumed me. She only stopped me right before I was ready to take it to the next level, pushing me back so that she could fetch something from her jacket. I heard the familiar sound of a plastic wrapper. “Why are you carrying that around?”

“Mullins gave it to me a few weeks ago. I told him he was crazy.” She ripped it open with her teeth, grabbing at me like we’d done this a million times. “Even in the middle of war we should practice safe sex.”

I lifted her chin up to be even with my approaching lips. “Stop talking.”

This wasn’t love. We weren’t out to lay claim on each other. Our adulterated encounter was for stress relief. We were friends, trying to find something good in the mist of a terrible situation. Fueled on the hunger of physical contact, we shared our first rendezvous of many to come.

That didn’t help me feel better about what I’d done. As soon as I was redressed my mind went to Kat. I started imagining the roles reversed, and how hurt I’d be if she’d found someone else to share her time with. The thought made me disgruntled, so much so that I walked outside and punched a wooden post, causing my knuckles to bleed.

Once I was in my bunk I pulled out my journal, thinking of ways to make myself feel better for being so selfish.

Chapter 21

It was November
. Weeks had turned into months, but nothing changed. I’d seen so much death and destruction, people tortured, cities destroyed. Communities had been evacuated, and families were separated. I carried screaming children that had been left behind when troops came in and took their parents while they were out playing. I’d seen fathers fighting because they didn’t want to leave. I’d watched elderly couples wave goodbye because they wouldn’t survive the trip.

Never in my life had I ever been taught about how terrible it was to live in other places. Bound by their faith, these people kept forging forward, even when they had nothing left to be thankful for. They were putting their trust in us; people who didn’t even understand their language or religions. It was horrid.

That kind of environment takes a toll on someone. Even though I had Mullins, and even Spence to keep me occupied, it still didn’t help when the lights went out at night; it didn’t keep the demons from haunting me.

There were a lot of nights where I dreamed of Kat or other family members. Most of the time it was like memories, but on occasion I’d dream that I was on a mission and discovered their dead bodies. I’d wake up in a pool of sweat, searching the room to make sure it hadn’t been real. There was nothing like going through the motions of a regular day while still seeing the images of my decapitated loved ones.

It was very rare to dream something refreshing, that woke me with a smile on my face, but when it did happen I thrived on it. It was much like going without food and water, and then magically a double cheeseburger and fries shows up in front of you.

Because of those special dreams, I knew I couldn’t give up hope of finding Kat. I had to keep searching, praying that I would be able to know for sure that she was okay.

I’ll never forget the November afternoon that took more from me then I knew I had. We’d been dropped off by a helicopter near a zone that we hadn’t been before. Details weren’t really something we were privy to. Basically we’d suit up and be on our way. During the ride they’d tell us what we were doing, I guess, so it was fresh in our heads. Like every time, we exited the chopper with caution and proceeded to the coordinates we’d been given.

There wasn’t a ton of coverage in this location, given that we were near an area of dessert. For as far as we could see there was dried vegetation and sand. After walking a ways we spotted a few buildings, realizing right away that it was our target location. The job was simple. We were to extract the four families and arrange for transportation to a safe house. Since it appeared that we were safe, everyone had their guard down.

Mullins started whistling Christmas carols, getting everyone to chime in with him. For once we were all smiling. Some of the people in our group were planning on taking leave. I envied them being able to have welcoming homes to return to.

I don’t think anyone could have suspected that we were in danger, or that in a matter of seconds some of us were going to lose our lives. I don’t even think the soldier first in line had a clue he’d stepped on an active land mine.

Everyone was thrown in the air as the explosive device was triggered. With the wind knocked out of me, and my ears ringing loudly, I managed to sit up and look around. Sand made it difficult to see, even with safety gear on my face. When I pulled off my helmet I could hear moaning, and people calling out. After a few seconds I stood and searched for Mullins. I expected him to say something sarcastic, or be looking for me at the same time, but what I discovered was much worse.

He’d been second in line that day, and I wasn’t even sure which body parts were his, or the soldier in front of him. Strewn across the area were the remnants of my unit, closest to the mine. As it became harder to breathe, I crouched down in front of what was left of my dear friend. His eyes were still open beneath his goggles, but there was no life remaining. Both of his legs were half gone, one arm was dangling, and the impact had obviously caused severe trauma all around. In an instant my friend’s life was over. I fought to hold back the tears as I touched his bloodied chest. He’d been through so much. He’s lost everything that mattered to him. This was the beginning of the end for me. It was the point when I knew I’d reached my limit.