Love Survives (14 page)

“Brooks, maybe you should just go,” my mother suggested, while she sobbed against my father’s shirt. “You can’t be here when everyone finds out. Just go find Katy. We can all talk about it tonight at the house.” The fact that she was asking me to find Kat struck me as peculiar. Why wasn’t Branch designated to locate her?

I nodded, refusing to look at my brother as I turned with intentions of checking the roof. She had to be up there, hiding until she knew everyone was gone. What she didn’t realize was that my parents loved her too. Even without a marriage certificate, she’d always be family. They wouldn’t push her away for making a mistake, or realizing the truth before it was too late. Sure, they’d be angry, and hurt, but they were forgiving people, and I was their son too. Even if Branch was hurting, they’d want to make sure to help us find resolution.

I think I’d built up the possibility of walking out onto that roof and seeing her there. I thought about what I would say, and how long it would take me to pull her into my welcoming arms. I prepared to tell her we’d be okay, and I’d find a way to make my trip to Afghanistan as short as possible, just so I could get back to her. I wanted her to know that this was going to be a new beginning for the both of us. We could make it work because our love had stood the test of time.

Except Kat wasn’t on the roof. I checked every corner, calling out her name to have it echo off the neighboring buildings. She was nowhere in sight. Just as I’d feared when she’d left my room, Kat was gone. Kat had run from the pain, and the truth. She’d ripped me apart, leaving me to face the facts that I wasn’t worth the fight. Love wasn’t enough for Kat to want to be with me and that alone shattered me.

By the time I made it back to my room I’d busted my fists, cried until my throat was numb, and lost all sense of reality. I’d tried to call her, getting the voicemail every single time. Nothing mattered. For the longest time, I peered over the edge of the building, wondering if my demise would take away the pain. I couldn’t handle being without her, wondering where she was, or the fact that she didn’t want me.

On the floor was an envelope addressed to my name with my room number. I picked it up and pulled out a letter, recognizing the handwriting immediately.

Dear Brooks,

This letter means that I broke my promise to you. I had to walk away from this before I had to look them all in the eye and admit what I’ve done. I couldn’t stay and face the consequences. I know I’m a coward and that a part of you will never forgive me for this.

Not only have I destroyed the bond that you and your brother once shared, but I’ve disrespected your parents and all  the generosity that they’ve given me for so many years.

This letter isn’t something that my heart takes lightly. I know what I’m giving up, and it hurts more now knowing how absolutely perfect it felt to be in your arms and feel your love radiating through me.

I will cherish the night we spent together and remember it every day for the rest of my life.

Please don’t look for me. I’ve decided to finally go out and make my own decisions for once. I want to move forward and start fresh where I won’t be judged for loving you. Just know that no matter where I end up, you will always have a piece of me.

Some people say that love never dies. If that’s true then I hope you can forgive me for walking away from it. I know I’ll never be able to forgive myself for this.

I would do anything to take back the last few years and be with you, instead. If I had known what I know now, there would never have been a question as to who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It’s always been you, Brooks. I’ve known that I loved you since our first kiss. Maybe even before it. Denying it will always be my biggest regret. I know what we could have had together, and it kills me inside.

This is my goodbye. It will be the last time you ever hear from me again. Please tell your family that I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I hope in time they can forgive you. After all, you’re the son they should be praising, not your brother. In fact, you’re the most brave, beautiful man I’ve ever known. Don’t let my actions change that.

I’m sorry and I love you,

Katy

It only took me seconds to pack up my things and take a cab to the airport. I couldn’t say goodbye to anyone, because I didn’t know if I’d ever be returning, not when there was nothing left for me.

Chapter 16

Loving her was
effortless, but trying to forget about how much she’d destroyed me was impossible. Time slipped away from me, and before I could make sense of anything, I was on my way to Afghanistan to experience another kind of heartache.

I was fixated on my demise, determined that it was better than suffering. It wasn’t courage leading me to danger, it was stupidity. I’d given up hope, not just with being happy, but with being forgiven. At this point in my life I didn’t care what killed me. Inside I was already dead, dwelling in an empty shell of pain. I forgot how to laugh. I even kept to myself, not letting my friends know what had happened to change me so quickly. Nothing they said could bring her back into my life. Her kiss goodbye was meant to be forever. I knew it then and still did. Silence wasn’t just my answer. It was my enemy. Kat may not have meant it, but she’d killed me that morning. She’d taken away my ability to be optimistic, to have hope, and to strive for a better life. I simply didn’t care.

Feeling overwhelmed with guilt, I sent my parents my new address for correspondence. None of this was their fault, and I couldn’t allow myself to blame them by making them worry.

I enclosed a letter even though writing it drudged up everything I’d been through since she walked out of my hotel room.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I wanted you to know that I’ve arrived overseas and have settled in the best I’m able to. I owe you both an apology. Never in a million years did I see things playing out the way they have. I didn’t show up at the wedding to ruin everyone’s lives. The truth is that I couldn’t help myself. I had to pursue her because I’ve loved that girl since we were children. She’s everything to me.

I know I made a mess of things. I screwed up and embarrassed you. I ruined my relationship with Branch, but I think you deserve to know why. All this time, all the years since they started dating, he’d been feeding Kat and I lies, keeping us apart. From the age of twelve he told me Kat wasn’t interested. I trusted him.

Apparently he was doing the same to Kat, telling her that I didn’t like her that way. All this time we could have been together, but instead he weaseled his way into her heart, making her feel bad for ever having feelings for me.

I’m not saying that what I did wasn’t wrong. I know right from wrong. Two people went into my hotel room that night, and what happened was mutual. We knew the risks, but took them anyway. I honestly couldn’t stop myself. Once the truth was revealed nothing could have kept me from her. I snapped.

You may never be able to understand what it’s been like for me, watching her with him, year after year, as if I was a punching bag. I’ve got thick skin, but even the toughest person would have broken down at some point. I’ve been trained to replace pain with power, but this doesn’t apply. I’m on a path of destruction because I simply don’t care anymore. Branch ruined my life. He was the reason I had to get away. Joining the military was my way out. I knew it would keep me from coming home and bearing the burden of watching them happy. I punished myself for loving her and attempted to move on with no result. No matter how hard I try I can’t stop loving her,  that’s why I know I can’t come home. There’s nothing left there for me except pain. I’ll never regret being able to live under the same roof as my two best friends, but I will hate myself for not going after what I wanted sooner. I could have prevented all of this. We could be sharing our lives together, having children, and waking up to knowing nothing will tear us apart. Instead I’m on the other side of the world, throwing myself into defending my country, because it’s the only thing keeping me going.

I can’t promise that I’ll write back all the time. It’s hard for me to sit down and put my feelings on paper. I’ve already been warned that what I’m about to see over here will haunt me forever. I’m used to living in hell, so I’ve got every reason to believe that I’ll get through it. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry that I was such a disappointment. I was acting out because I couldn’t have what I wanted. Jealousy took control, forcing my hand to make irrational decisions. At the end of the day I deserve to be here, in the middle of this battle zone. If something happens to me and I don’t return please don’t dwell on my death. Just know I’m no longer in any pain. Nothing will ever hurt me again.

Thank you for bringing me up right and teaching me what love was. As much as it hurts, I don’t regret experiencing it. How I feel about Kat is something special. Not everyone finds their true love so early in life. Perhaps that’s why I couldn’t keep her. Maybe I had enough time with her when we were younger. No matter the case, I’m appreciative.

Take care of her and Branch. Help them to make amends. We’ll always be family.

Until next time with love,

Brooks

Before I sent the letter home I needed to take a couple seconds to come to grips with everything I’d expressed. It was as if I was sending away a suicide letter because I knew I wouldn’t keep in touch. My old life was over, and I had no plans of ever returning to it. Branch could consider himself an only child from now on. The damage was irreconcilable.

After I regained enough courage, I placed the pen down to another fresh piece of paper.

Branch,

I’m not writing this to apologize. You don’t deserve that.

All of this could have been avoided had you told us the truth from the beginning. What kind of brother purposely keeps the two people he cares the most about apart? How could you look yourself in the mirror after that? Didn’t you know that one day we’d talk about it? Did you think she’d never tell me?

You can be mad at me forever, I frankly don’t give a damn. You took everything from me. You ruined my life. I hope that helps you sleep at night because I can’t close my eyes for a second without thinking about her. I’m not going to argue about loving her more than you do. It’s obviously the truth, because I’d never lie to her, not even for my own benefit. I love her enough to lose her.

Live with that, Branch. Dwell on the fact that you alone made this happen. I’ll never forgive you for making me believe that she never loved me and taking my future that I could have shared with her and destroying it.

Until you take your last breath I hope you suffer because I know it won’t even compare to the pain that I’ve already endured.

Brooks

After I’d mailed out both letters, I found refuge back in my bunk. I laid there, staring at the ceiling, replaying every part of my life that led me to this point. I was a ticking bomb, just waiting to detonate. Kat may as well have decapitated me in that hotel room because I came out of there in pieces.

Two weeks later my group had gotten their first assignment. We were doing recon in a dilapidated little town. Concrete buildings had been blown to smithereens. Remnants of humanity were scarce, and even the sight of a stray dog couldn’t make it any less surreal. It was the first time I’d ever experienced the silence of death. It terrified me, snapping me back to a new world; one that existed without love.

The unnerving feeling that overwhelmed me would stick with me. Seeing my first dead body did me in.

We’d entered a standing building. Though rubble surrounded the area, this place was intact. It was obvious that the person had been ambushed. The female was holding a basket full of rotten fruit. Her arms were clung to it as if she was trying hard to scrape up enough means to survive until help came. Shot point blank in the temple, her head was leaning to one side. Behind was another body. At first we assumed it was also a deceased victim. Just as another ranger turned to check our surroundings, it moved. We rushed over to the little body, more bone than skin. Her little eyes were sunken in, and she was unconscious. I watched that soldier carry her back to the vehicle to get her medical attention. She couldn’t have been more than ten. While my adrenaline kept me on my feet, I watched the medic struggling to revive her. By the time we returned to base, she was gone. That little girl never had a chance. God only knows how long the child had been without food. I’d come to the conclusion that her mother must have stolen it for them to eat. Just as they prepared to give their bodies nutrients, someone came in and murdered her. The child, an innocent victim, was left to starve to death, next to her mother’s corpse.