Love Survives (19 page)

Aside from a helicopter coming to pick us up, much of the rest is blurry. While in the shower alone, I cried for my friend, enough so that when I had to tell Anderson, I’d be able to hold back the tears. While Spence comforted her friend, I went off on my own to a spot where Mullins and I used to hang out. For a few moments everything was so quiet. It was as if I was being granted a minute of peace before hell broke loose again.

Nothing I did would bring him back.

November 11
^th

I lost my friend today. He’s the only person who knew what it was like for me when I first left home. We’d taken this ride together, and I don’t really know if I can continue on this journey without him. If he’d only been in the back of the line near me, he’d be sitting next to me right now, still whistling his annoying carols. Instead he’s going back to the states in pieces. I wondered if he’d requested to be stationed with me. Had he died because he wanted to be with me again? It was more proof that every person who gets close to me is cursed.

I don’t know how I’m going to get over this, or how I’m expected to go back out there again. I don’t want to die, but I also have no idea how to stay alive.

November 24
^th

It’s Thanksgiving, but I’m not real sure what to be thankful for this year. I’ve seen too much death to be able to appreciate that we stopped to have a semi-nice meal. I mean, I’m not really sure we ate turkey, and if it was it certainly wasn’t freshly plucked. The instant potatoes were nothing like my mother made, and I don’t even want to get started on the stuffing. For entertainment, a couple of people sang and told jokes. I sat across from Anderson and Spence, saying nothing as they seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Later, after we left the makeshift mess hall, I found Spence sitting out at my special place. She was alone, obviously waiting for me.

“I don’t really feel like having company tonight, Spence.”

“Well I don’t feel like hearing that. Come on Valentine, I know you’re upset, but you can’t shut me out. It’s like you’re with us, but you’re not. Mullins wouldn’t want you to act this way. He told Anderson what you’ve been through. We both know you’re hiding a huge heart behind that wall. Valentine, let me in. Talking to someone will help.”

I turned to face her. “It won’t bring him back. Nothing will. He’s dead, Spence. I watched him being blown to pieces. I was there.”

“I’m not arguing about that.”

“Look, I get that you’re trying to help me. I don’t need you reminding me of everything that’s wrong in my life. It’s fucked up as it is. Just go enjoy the night with your other friends.”

She reached for my arm. “I’m not leaving you, Brooks.” Using my first name wasn’t going to make me cave.

“Can’t you take a hint? I don’t want you here. Just go away!” I had to be rude. Spence was stubborn. She’d fight me.

She crossed her arms over her chest. “No! I’m not going anywhere.”

I buried my face in my hands and closed my eyes. If she wanted to sit there all night so be it, but I wasn’t going to keep her company.

I felt her hand on my arm again. “Do you have any idea how special you are? He loved you like a brother, Brooks.” She paused when I didn’t respond. “What we do, how we risk our lives, it’s our job. He died defending our country even if it wasn’t during an attack. Mullins was brave. Two weeks ago we lost our friend too. You know, I told myself that when I got over here I was going to keep to myself, that I didn’t want to be attached to something temporary. I didn’t even make it to land before I met Anderson. You might be strong enough to hold it all in, but I’m not.”

“I’m not strong,” I whispered.

When our eyes met she could see what I’d been hiding.  In that instant I broke down right in front of her. Spence leaned on me while I let go of the pain, accepting that our fallen friend was in a better place. “He’s with his daughter now,” I said quietly.

“He’s happy then. I know it’s where he’d want to be.”

After that, we started talking about the good times we’d shared in the past month with the women, and even before that. I told her about times when we were back in boot camp, and how he’d always tried to talk me out of being so hung up on Kat.

We ended the night back in the storage shed, taking out our frustrations on each other. Instead of using a punching bag, we found solace in sex. Time after time I felt nothing when it was over, just that empty hole coming right back into my mind, reminding me that I was alone.

When I laid down in my twin-sized bed at night I couldn’t remember what it felt like to hold someone in my arms or spread out on an extra large mattress. I’d forgotten what breakfast cooking while still being in bed smelled like. The one thing that I knew I could never let go of was Kat. I could close my eyes and smell her shampoo. I could touch my own skin and recall what it was like to feel hers. Every single detail of that woman was etched into my mind.

Spence was right. I couldn’t dwell on what we were unable to change. We had to keep going because if we stopped we lose ourselves completely. We weren’t just physically fighting to survive. We were battling to keep from losing ourselves.

November 28
^th

I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I miss him. I miss everyone. It’s like life won’t give me a break. I’m fucking dying in misery. What did I ever do to deserve this kind of outcome? Am I really cursed? Is there a target on the back of my head? If so, I wish the bullet would come sooner than later. I can’t take this torture much longer. I’ve woken up for the past week wishing I was dead. Anything is better than living this way. The monotony of this tour is brutal. Each day I wake up praying not to go out into the field. I don’t want to see anymore death. I can’t handle it. Every time I close my eyes I see Mullins on the ground in pieces. I don’t want that fate. I’d rather put a bullet to my head and end it quickly. I can’t be one of those soldiers that hangs on. I think I’ve suffered enough already.

If this is the last entry I make, I hope it doesn’t go unread. I want everyone to know what it was like for me to walk away from everything I love only to come here and die. I’m better off gone, because another day, week or month in this place is going to rip me apart until there’s nothing left.

Chapter 22

December 24
^th
, 2011

I woke up
to mail being delivered. There were two packages from my parent’s address, and a red envelope with my brother’s name as the return sender. I figured that since it was Christmas Eve, I could at least open this bunch of mail, instead of sticking it with the other’s I’d never bothered to read.

The Christmas card from my brother was signed by not only him, but also a Melissa. I couldn’t help wonder if it was the same Melissa that had been Kat’s friend, and maid of honor. It was definitely something I’d like to hear about for entertainment purposes. Included in the card was a note from my brother, simply stating he wanted to get past our issues. I rolled my eyes and put the card to the side, focusing on one of the two boxes.

Wrapped in smaller, individual packages were three presents. I smiled as I pulled them out and opened them. The first box contained chocolate truffles. I’d been getting them in my stocking since I was a child. My parents knew they were my favorite. I popped one in my mouth, savoring the familiar flavor. It was like heaven, almost bringing me back home for just a moment in time.

The next box contained a pair of gloves. Even though I had military grade ones, these were a newer version, and much more versatile for the weather conditions I was currently experiencing. I could use my weapon without having to remove them.

The third package was a photo. It was one I recognized immediately. I had a copy of it in my room. Branch, Kat and I stood outback under the tree house. We were all about eight at the time. They’d obviously blown up the original to a larger size and included a note with it.

Brooks: I thought that maybe you’d like to have something to remind you of what home is all about. We’ll always be family, no matter how far you all go. There’s no place like home.

Love: Mom & Dad

I sat there holding that picture for the longest time, hoping one day I’d be able to return to that yard. Even though they weren’t pictured, I appreciated my parents more than they’d ever know.

The second box addressed to me contained books and magazines. They must have known how boring it might get. Once I was done with them I’d leave them in the rec area for everyone to be able read also.

Before I could change my mind, I grabbed some paper and started writing my parents back. They wouldn’t get it right away, but at least they’d know I was grateful. Just as I began to write their names down I felt a burning in my eyes. This wasn’t how I saw my future when I was a kid. I’d never pictured being away from my family, missing out on traditions, and sharing moments together. I missed them all so much, but knew there was nothing I could do about it.

I crumbled up the paper and headed to where the phones were located. After waiting in a line, I finally had the opportunity to dial their number.

Hearing my mother’s voice was so relieving.

“Hello?”

“Mom, it’s me, Brooks.”

“Oh, honey, it’s so good to hear from you. We’ve been so worried.”

“I miss you.” I could barely get the words out. “It’s getting hard to keep it together, mom. I think I made a huge mistake.”

I could hear her beginning to cry on the other end of the connection. “I pray for you every day. We watch the news, hoping you’re okay over there.”

“I’m trying to be. I lost a friend last month. We were in basic together.” I fought back the burning in my throat. She didn’t need to hear me upset. “I watched him die right in front of me.”

“I can’t imagine what that was like for you.”

I decided to change the subject,  to keep from losing my shit and wasting the call. “How is everyone at home? Are you ready for the holidays?”

“We’re getting there. Did you get your packages yet? We mailed it two weeks ago.”

“Yes, I got them this morning. They’re awesome. Thanks for sending them. It was nice to wake up to presents.”

“I wish we could fit more in the boxes. Your father thought I was silly for wrapping them all individually, but I wanted them to be special.”

“It was sweet, mom. Thanks.”

The line was quiet for a couple seconds. “Brooks, there’s something I want you to know. Katy called a while back. She didn’t say much, but she asked if you were okay. I think it was the fourth of July. She seemed upset.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?”

“She hung up after that. I didn’t have anything to tell. The call couldn’t have lasted more than thirty seconds. I told her to come home. I pleaded.”

“It’s okay, mom. You don’t have to be upset about it. Kat obviously needs more time. I’m sure it’s hard for her to face you and dad after what happened.”

“I love her as if she were my own child. We’d never turn our backs on that girl.”

“Maybe it had to do with pride. I don’t know. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about her, but there’s nothing I can do. Until she wants to be found, we just have to sit back and wait.”

“You’re right. Though her presents keep piling up. We still include her, expecting she’ll come home one day. I can’t give up hope.”

“I can’t either.”

Once again the line was quiet. I’d said too much about Kat.

“I hope you have a good day tomorrow, Brooks. Your father and I love you so much. He’s going to be upset he missed this call. Please keep your chin up. You’re stronger than you know.”

“I love you, mom. Tell everyone I’m okay. I’ll talk to you soon. I promise.”

For a few minutes I stood outside trying to calm down. Kat had reached out to make sure I was okay. She still cared. Even though it was temporary, I was happy for the first time in months.

Feeling the sentiment of the holidays I headed to grab something to eat early so that I’d be able to see Anderson and Spence. Like always, the girls were sitting at a table having their coffee. Spence smiled when she saw me approaching. I pulled the box of truffles from behind my back and sat them on the table. “Merry Christmas, ladies. My parents sent these. I’ve been trying to watch my figure, so I thought I’d share the calories around.”

Spence picked one up and began unwrapping it. “How thoughtful of you,” she said sarcastically.

“I’ve been stress eating for weeks. If that hits my mouth it’ll go straight to my ass.”

I popped another one in my mouth and looked around at the people in the room. For once everyone seemed to be in good spirits. “It’s weird seeing everyone in a good mood.”