Love Survives (20 page)

“I wouldn’t call it a good mood, Valentine. We’re all stuck here instead of being home. If we’re lucky none of us will have to go out into the field for a couple days, but Muslims don’t care about Christian religions. If they’re smart, they’ll use it to their advantage.” Anderson’s comment made me lose my appetite. I’d never talked to her about Mullins death, or at least her feelings about it. My own feelings kept me from talking about things that hurt. I knew better than to drudge up parts of my life I needed to keep buried, for my own sanity.

“How about we try to remain positive?” Spence had a point. Thinking about the negative was only going to put us in bad moods.

“If we don’t do something we’re all going to end up in the ground. Our heads need to stay on.”

Anderson waved her arms around, pointing at the two of us. “I don’t know why you aren’t taking advantage of this time off. Shouldn’t you be in a shed somewhere, naked and consumed?”

I tried to laugh it off, but when I turned to see the look on Spence’s face I realized she thought it was a good idea too. I stood up and nudged my head for her to follow me. “Come on.”

She giggled. “Seriously, right now?”

“We’re going on an adventure. See you later, Anderson. Thanks for the push.”

Instead of the shed, which was getting pretty old, I borrowed a vehicle, and we set out into a deserted area. Once I had the vehicle in park, Spence and I looked around to make sure we were alone. She then climbed over to my side. When she was on top of me, with her arms around my neck, we kissed. I opened my eyes to be staring into hers. “Valentine, you sure do help the time pass.”

“Yeah, you too.”

“I talked to my ex today. I know he’s been dating, but he swears he’s waiting for me to come home. He says he wants to get married.”

I wondered if I should push her off of me. Was this some kind of end to our arrangement? “What are you telling me this for?”

“I just wanted to talk about it. Is that off limits?”

“No. It’s just weird.”

“Have you heard from your girl? What’s her name again?”

She was killing the mood. “Katy.”

When I looked away she could already tell I hadn’t been in contact with her. “I admire your devotion, Brooks.”

“Yeah, well I think it’s a joke. What good will it do?”

“Don’t give up on her. When we’re all home safe I want to hear about the two of you finding each other again.”

I started to push her off me. “We should go back to base.”

She stopped me. “Wait. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Kat and I won’t be together in the future, Spence. We don’t even know where she is.”

She sighed and unfastened the door before climbing out of the truck. When she disappeared toward the back I got out and followed her. “Where are you going?”

She plopped down on the sand and closed her eyes, dragging her hands in the sand. “Sometimes I like pretending I’m on sandy beach. I’m sweating because the hot rays are beating down on my exposed skin.”

I sat down next to her and looked around. There was nothing but dead plants and dirt mounds. “You have a vivid imagination.”

“Just close your eyes and hold my hand. Go with the flow.”

I did as she requested, only because I knew she wouldn’t let up. When my head hit the sand I found her awaiting grip as her fingers laced with mine. My eyes closed, and I did my best to focus on being at a beach.

“Can you feel it?” She asked.

“What?”

“The mist of the water.”

“No.”

She didn’t budge. “Fine. What if I was your Katy? Can you imagine holding her hand on a beach?”

I focused on Kat, realizing how easy it was to fantasize about being close to her. “Yes.”

“What would you talk about?”

“Anything. Everything. She was my best friend.”

“So let’s talk. You’re on a beach and you’re together. What would you say to her?”

“This is stupid.”

“Shut the hell up and go with it, Valentine. It’s just us. I won’t tell if you don’t.”

I kept my eyes closed and focused again, imagining that I was holding onto Kat. “I’d tell her I missed her.”

“Talk to her. Try again.”

“Fine.” I waited a second to think about what I’d say if I were on that beach with the love of my life. “I missed you while I was away.”

She squeezed my hand tighter. “I missed you too, Brooks.”

I wanted this to be happening so much that I finally let myself fall into the game. “I’ve thought about you every day, imagining holding you in my arms again.”

“We’re here now.”

“Marry me.”

Spence sat up and leaned on her elbow as I looked over at her. “You’d ask her to marry you with your eyes closed?”

“I don’t know.” She was so confusing. “You said to pretend you were Kat.”

“When you ask her to marry you, look her in the eyes.” She got closer to my face while climbing on my lap. Her fingers traced my mouth. “Speak from your heart, but never take your eyes off of hers. Make sure she knows that nothing else matters to you. She’s everything.” When she kissed me I felt carried away in her words. “Show her how much you missed her in the way you hold her. Promise to keep her safe forever.”

I couldn’t hold back any longer. I kissed Spence, pretending she was Kat, and she was letting me do it. I tossed her hat to the ground and dug my hands into her hair, pulling her against my mouth. Her tongue teased mine, just enough to force me to reciprocate. She started unbuttoning my fatigues, one at a time. We spent the next hour pretending we were other people, making love in the hot sand of the desert. I couldn’t remember a time when I hadn’t thought about the negative around me. With each touch, stroke, or connection, I imagined I was on that beach with Kat.

Spence laid next to me when we were finished. Our bodies were covered in sweat, and it was hard to not want a gallon of water to quench my thirst. She looked up into my eyes and giggled. “So that’s what it’s like to be with the real Brooks Valentine.”

I reached forward and kissed her on the head. “You made me do it.”

She tapped on my chest. “She’s a lucky girl.”

“I wouldn’t say that. I’ve pretty much ruined her life.”

“When you get home, make sure you don’t stop looking for her. Don’t give up. No matter how much it hurts, keep searching for her.” I was shocked when I heard her starting to cry. I lifted her and held her close against my chest. “What’s wrong?”

“I want to go home, Brooks. I miss my boyfriend. No offense to you. I’m glad I have you in my life right now. It’s not the same though. I need to feel him holding me.”

“Yeah. I get it. Don’t cry though. You’ll make me feel like shit.”

She laughed through her tears, but before she could respond we heard an approaching vehicle. Since we’d taken the vehicle without permission, and were only in our underwear, we both stood and began scrounging for our fatigues. At first I had her jacket, and she had mine. We tossed them to each other and continued rushing. By the time the vehicle stopped behind us we were at the front, both ducked down checking under the truck.

“Everything alright, soldiers?”

“Yeah, we hit something a while back. I was just checking it out.”

“Okay. I only stopped to make sure you weren’t broken down.”

I came out from under the truck and avoided eye contact with Spence. “Thanks. We’re good. I’m headed back now.”

Once we were both back inside of the truck we began to laugh. “That was close.”

“I’m sure he knew what we were doing.”

“Who cares. He’s just jealous.” I started the truck. “Thanks for today, Spence. It was nice to be on that beach with you.”

“With Katy, you mean?”

“No,” I looked in her direction. “With you. I mean, yeah I imagined you were Kat, but I knew you weren’t. You’re a good friend. For a while I was convinced that I didn’t need anyone while I was over here. I figured if I wasn’t connected to anything I couldn’t get hurt.”

“Yeah, it makes sense, but we’re all feeling the same thing. When I signed on the dotted line I never expected this. I’m holding on for dear life here, too. It’s not easy.”

“Yeah, I just wanted to get away from home. I didn’t think far enough into the future to see this. Don’t get me wrong. I won’t regret defending my country, but I’m spent.”

“You’re a good soldier.”

I tried hard to be the best, even when I doubted myself. “I appreciate that.”

“We should get back.”

I looked at her one more time, wishing we were back on that sand, pretending that life wasn’t falling apart around us. “Yeah, I guess we should.”

December 25
^th

It’s Christmas.

My mom is making her annual dinner, and I’m sure my brother’s there. An empty space will be left for me and Kat. I wonder where she’ll be eating. Has she made friends? Does she have any presents to open? Is someone else holding her?

I’m trying not to be upset today, but it’s difficult. Yesterday I spent time with a friend, who gave me a nice present. She helped me pretend I was with Kat on a beach. It also broke my heart. More than anything I wanted it to be real.

Wherever Kat is, I hope she’s okay. I don’t want her to be sad. She needs to live her life without regret. I want her to be happy, above everything else, even if that means she’s found another to hold her at night.

Chapter 23

Another year had
come and gone, leaving me with more loss. Each day I woke up wondering if it would be my last. I thought about Mullins every day, sometimes I even talked out loud to him, as if he was out there somewhere watching down on me. I knew I’d lost my sanity, and frankly I didn’t care. Life was redundant. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, and I certainly had nothing to look forward to. I was going with the flow.

Being a ranger was tough. Almost weekly I’d been sent out with some mission that required me to take a life. So far I know I’d killed at least ten people; ten people who may have had children, wives, or even living parents. I didn’t know what they’d done before this, and it didn’t matter. If I put thought into it I’d be weak when I knew I had to remain strong. I’d become bitter, lonely, and a man of few words. Even Spence noticed the change, but knew she could do little to change me. She too was going through the motions of figuring it out for herself. The first time she’d shot her gun she came back to base and cried for two days. That’s when I knew it was time to turn off my feelings. I couldn’t have them if I wanted to get through this. I had to be numb.

Then something happened that would change me. In an instant it snapped me back to reality. I almost couldn’t believe that I wasn’t dreaming.

It was mail time. I was sitting on my bed reading one of the books my parents had sent. When they called my name I grabbed the envelope and stuck it to the side until I could finish the chapter I was on. Had I peeked at the return address I would have known right away that the next few pages could have waited.

The moment I picked that letter back up and saw her name I had to do a double take. My stomach knotted up as I ripped it open, eager to see her handwriting that was meant just for me.

Dear Brooks,

I hope this letter finds you in good health. I know it’s been a long time and you may not even want to hear from me. I don’t blame you for hating me. I hate myself for what I did to you.

I walked away from everything because I wasn’t willing to fight. I was a coward.

I’m not writing this letter to beg you for forgiveness. I don’t deserve that. I’m writing to you because I know it’s time to move on. I’ve held onto some crazy idea that one day you’ll be back in my life again.

So, that brings me to the reason that I’m writing you this letter.

Tell me that I shouldn’t hold onto you.

Tell me we’re definitely over, so that I can finally let go.

Katy

I didn’t know what to do. After reading her words nearly twenty times I contemplated what I could do to tell her how long I’d waited for this moment. She was okay, and reaching out to me, but only because she was ready to move on. Asking my permission was like a knife to my heart. Is this what she wanted? After all this time, was she ready to let it go?

I quickly grabbed a piece of paper and began to reply.

Dear Kat,

I hope this letter finds you.

I considered not writing you and letting it be, but I’ve kept things bottled up for so long and I don’t know where to begin.

I’ll start by asking you the one question that has been on my mind for two years now. Why did you run?

Please tell me it wasn’t because you regretted being with me. Still, to this day, nothing has ever compared to feeling you in my arms that night.