Love Survives (23 page)

Even though I assumed it was just that, it took me a couple days to calm down. I didn’t want to appear at her door looking jealous. She obviously didn’t know I was in town, and I had to respect that if I’d just called her beforehand maybe things would have been different.

The next week I decided to try again, but this time with a different approach. I waited until my shift was over and then journeyed to her address. Much like a stalker, I sat in my truck waiting to catch a glimpse of her. It took a while, but I saw her and the little girl walking outside to hang some clothes. As I prepared to step out and greet her, I paid attention to the items she was hanging on the line. It was obvious that, not only the man lived there, but also the little girl.

This got me so hot that I had to leave. I beat on the steering wheel, wondering if in the time I’d not communicated with her she’d met someone and invited them to take my place. I felt as if maybe she never loved me to the extent that I cared for her. If she had, then nothing would have prevented her from waiting for me.

This time I stayed away for a month.

For those four weeks, I tried to stay occupied. My new training position kept me busy during the day, and as new recruits continued to come in, I kept my schedule full. It was the nights that tore me apart.

Finally, one evening, my superior invited me to have dinner with his family. While we sat there exchanging war stories like old buddies, his wife asked a question about my love life. “Since you’re back have you thought about finding someone to settle down with?”

I smiled and wiped my face with a napkin before responding. “As a matter of fact, I did. Unfortunately, I arrived too late. It seems that the woman I wanted to marry is shacked up with someone else.”

“Oh no. How did you find out?” She asked curiously.

“I drove to her a couple times. I saw him coming outside, they were together.”

“Have you spoke to her?”

“No. I thought about writing her a letter, but I can’t bring myself to do it. She’s moved on.”

“Were you involved before you left?”

I nodded. “I’ve loved her since we were kids. That’s why it’s so hard. I asked to be transferred here so we could be together.”

“Then I say you shouldn’t give up. Call her. Stop by again.”

“Forgive my wife, Valentine. She’s a bit of a romantic. All those novels put crazy ideas in her head.”

“It’s okay,” I laughed. “She’s right. I should have tried harder.”

“It’s never too late,” she said as she stood to clear the table. “It doesn’t hurt to keep trying.”

She was right. Had I come this far to give up so easily? Had I risked my life, been through, and lost myself, only to come home and not fight for what was mine?

I needed a new approach because avoiding her now was becoming impossible. She was going to give me answers even if they weren’t the ones I wanted to hear.

Chapter 26

That next evening
I drove over to Kat’s house again. She wasn’t home, but ended up pulling in while I was sitting there. I watched her climb out of the vehicle and fetch the child from the back. She kissed her a few times before letting her walk alongside of her. That’s when it really sunk in. This little girl was her child. Kat had gone away and had a kid. She was a freaking mother, which meant there was obviously a father.

While I sat there trying to do the math with how soon she got pregnant after she’d left, the male pulled into the driveway. As soon as he got out the child ran toward him and threw her arms up. He lifted her, kissing her whole face. This was the dad. It was all very clear.

I couldn’t have been sure, but I swear Kat noticed my truck sitting on the road. I quickly pulled away before she said something to whoever the guy was.

That night, after I knew everyone was probably asleep, I left the barracks and headed back to Kat’s address. I climbed out of my truck and looked in the mailbox, hoping to find the guy’s name. When it was empty I looked back at the house and saw the curtain folding.

As fast as I could move, I got back on the road, hoping they didn’t call the authorities.

Since I had no luck, a few days later I went back during the day when I figured nobody would be home. I’d climbed out of my truck and opened the mailbox, hoping to get a name to put to the guy’s face. Once I had it I planned on writing her a letter, hoping she could at least explain why she’d given up on me.

The answer was as plain as day.

The first envelope was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Robert Parsons. The second was made out to Katy Michaels Parsons.

They were married.

They had a child together.

The letters came out of my hands, falling to the ground at my feet. As I dropped to pick them up a police car pulled behind me. An officer climbed out and approached with caution. “Can I help you, soldier?”

It was impossible to keep the burning tears from pouring out of my eyes. This wasn’t just heartbreaking. It made me wish I was back on the battlefield. This was a nightmare.

I shoved the mail back in the box. “Sorry. It’s not what it looks like. I was trying to see if this was the address of my friend. I’ve been away for a couple years, and I’m just trying to locate her.”

“The owners of the home have reported a suspicious vehicle sitting outside the property. You can’t be going through their mail. It’s a federal offense.”

“I’m sorry. I won’t come back again. I assure you.”

I went to get back into my truck before he spoke again. “So is it your friend’s address?”

It was hard to answer him. I didn’t know what to consider Kat because she’d obviously lied to me. “Yes. I know Mrs. Parsons. Well, I knew her a long time ago, before she was married. I’m sorry you had to come back out here. I assure you it won’t happen again.”

“I’m going to need your name for assurance. If I get the report I’ll have to write something up.”

Since I knew I wouldn’t be returning, I was fine with giving him my information. We shook hands before I got into my truck and pulled away from the residence.

I ended up in a bar a mile from the barracks. It was a dive, not that I paid attention. To keep from losing my shit, I poured alcohol down my throat until everything felt numb.

Kat had destroyed me. There was nothing left to hope for. The last few months of correspondence had been lies. She was married with a child, who was obviously around each time she wrote about still having feelings for me. I wondered if she waited until her husband left for work to send me those lies, or did he know she was giving me false hope?

Thinking about it made me cringe. I’d gone through hell to get stationed close to her, only to find out we never had a chance. Yet again something was coming between us, but this time I wouldn’t push my way back into her life. I couldn’t do that knowing she had a child; a family.

I’d never be able to compete with that, and so I decided to walk away.

April 21
^st

I came all this way for nothing. Everything I’ve done was a waste. She never wanted me. It was all some sick game she was playing, probably to make herself feel better about what happened in the past. How could she rip my heart out again and again? I’m starting to wonder if she knew I loved her all along. Maybe she was just evil. It would make more sense than assuming she up and married the first guy that came along, without making an effort to seek me out.

The pain I’m feeling can’t be described. I wish I’d go to sleep and never wake up. It’s not even the betrayal that’s ripping me to shreds. It’s seeing the image of her daughter. The bitch carried a child and never once mentioned her. What kind of mother does that?

I could never forgive her for this. I don’t even know if I’ll get to a point where I want to. As soon as my two years are up here in South Carolina I’m getting the fuck away from this place. Kat can stay here and rot for all I care. She’d ruined my life, and now there’s nothing left to fight for.

I was a fool for loving someone with my whole heart. I should have known that I’d get burned. Now I’m lost, without a damn way to break free of this agony. Loving her was always my downfall. I guess I’d just never hit rock bottom until now.

The next time I spoke to my parents wasn’t until a few weeks had gone by. Thankfully I was able to get out of bed without an excruciating headache from stress. My father answered the phone, and immediately I thought of the whole family, Kat included.

“Brooks, is that you? How’s the weather in the south?”

“It’s warm. Some days have gotten pretty hot, but it doesn’t compare to where I was before. How are you and mom doing?”

“Good. Mom’s out with some friends. I’ll be sure to tell her you called. So, are you settled finally? Is the paperwork submitted for your surgery?”

“Pretty much. I’m still waiting for that appointment with the specialist. So far so good.”

“Have you been able to track Katy down yet?”

I sat there for a second wondering why he’d say that. I’d never mentioned her to him before. “Why would you ask me that?”

“Son, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out you’d go where she was near. Is she okay?”

“I haven’t seen her,” I lied. “Wherever she is, she doesn’t want to be found. Let’s just leave it that way, okay? I’ve got enough on my plate.”

He cleared his throat, and I could tell that my comment had left him more curious. “Brooks, is there something you’re not telling me?”

“No.” I responded quickly. “All is good. I was only calling to check in. When I get word about my hand appointment you’ll be the first to know.”

“Okay, son. Take care then.”

“You too.”

That night I was fighting demons that I couldn’t defeat. There was no hope left in my future, and with that knowledge, it left me susceptible to rehash every single enduring word she’d written on paper. I found myself back at a bar, drinking until I couldn’t feel it anymore. The utter disgust I felt for Kat had no end. I wanted her to admit to what she’d done, so I could figure out how to make sense of it all. There had to be a better explanation than she wanted to hurt me. I couldn’t allow myself to believe the woman I once knew was gone.

That next morning I had to run an errand off base. In a military vehicle, I drove past her house, parking further away so I couldn’t be detected. Like every day, she’d come outside to hang clothes. The little blonde child ran around playing in a kiddie pool nearby.

Once Kat was done with her chores, she sat down next to the little pool and played with the child. The blonde, curly-haired toddler, laughed and screamed with excitement. I’d never seen Kat so attentive before. Even from the distance I stood, I could tell she was in love with that child. That’s when it really hit. It was obvious that her decisions were never about her, but more for the child. Kat must have been running and the man she was with was the first person to offer her support. She probably never planned on getting pregnant, but once she had there was no going back.

Perhaps in some ways she did love me. Maybe me being away let us have some sort of kindred romance. The moment she got word that I was coming home everything changed. She knew I’d find out the truth, so she stopped being available. Kat had cut ties with me because she knew I wouldn’t like what I found when I finally got to her.

Then I started blaming myself again. If only I’d stayed instead joining the Army, maybe we would have had that chance.

It was too late.

I got in the vehicle and began to drive away.

May 7
^th

I’ve made a decision to let things go. I can’t change who she’s become, and there’s no way I’m going to be a home wrecker. I have morals, and even though I’d crossed boundaries in the past, this was different. She’d committed herself to someone else. I even feel bad about the letters that she’s written me because I know her husband couldn’t have been okay with some of the things she was saying to me.

I’m always going to love Kat. She’s the only one for me. I’m content with knowing there’s nothing I can do to change that. I was born to be with that woman. Maybe in our next life we’ll have a chance at love again. I’m not going to wish for her to get a divorce. I don’t want to share her with other people. I know that type of life would never make me happy. I wanted all of her, or nothing at all.

I pray that one day we can be friends again, but for now, I need time to cope. I’m a strong guy. I’ve been afraid of a lot of things, but this was something I couldn’t stop from happening. I’d lost the love of my life, once and for all. She was happy, and it was enough for me to step aside. It was the least I could do after making her wait so long for me to come home. Maybe one day I’ll find someone to share my life with. Sure, they won’t be my soul-mate, but I could learn to appreciate the love they have for me, because being alone like this feels as if I’m living in my own personal hell, with no way to exit.