Love Survives (27 page)

I think it was obvious I hadn’t been around children when we walked inside of the play park. The sound of kids screaming as they ran around unattended made me want to hide. I cringe every time one would run by grabbing onto my pants, or stepping on my boots. They were like little terrorists, using their size to attack the larger enemy. Every bone in my body wanted to grab my little girl and protect her from their germ-filled hands.

Kat reached for our daughter, taking her out of my arms. “Come on sweet girl. You want to go play?”

“Mama, slide. I go slide.”

I smiled when she spoke even though I was genuinely worried for her safety. “Have fun, little bug.” I liked the sound of it.

“Bug? You nicknamed our daughter already?”

I shrugged and looked over at her, grinning cheek to cheek. She brought that out in me. In fact, It was hard to remember the last time something had made me so happy. “I couldn’t help it. She’s my little B.”

My little girl made friends with two others quickly. She followed them around the play set, talking up a storm. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She was the most beautiful child in the building by far, but probably the prettiest I’d ever seen in my life. She belonged on commercials with her chubby cheeks and little dimples. I was in awe of her.

When I realized we were sitting there so close, I knew we needed to talk. I couldn’t avoid Kat, and she couldn’t do the same to me. There were important issue that needed to be handled. “So, I had a lot to think about when I left last night. I think the first thing that needs to be addressed is my parents. Look, Kat, I don’t care about my brother, but Mom and Dad need to meet her. I get that you’re going to be mad, but I asked them to come visit next weekend. I hope you don’t already have plans.”

She seemed to take it pretty well. I watched her body language, trying to figure out what she was going to say so I could prepare myself. “I guess I’ll talk to Bobby and see if we can drop her off to you. Are you able to baby proof your house? Do you even live in a house or an apartment?”

“I live on base for now. There’s family housing available, and I filled out the forms while I was on shift this morning. If everything goes the way it should, I may be able to move into something in the next seven days. I had to explain my situation to my commanding officer, but given the importance, he said he can pull some strings.” 

“So, you’d have a whole house?” Was she surprised that I could wipe my own ass by myself? What kind of question was that? Did she not think I could provide for my daughter?

“It’s like a duplex. Two small houses connected. Some are one bedroom and some go up to three. I can also live off base, provided I can find something affordable and close. I’m not going to rush into anything. My parents won’t care what my living conditions look like.” That wasn’t true. They’d care, but be fine if I was happy.

Without giving it a single thought Kat shocked me with her solution. “They can come to my house. Bobby still owns another house, so we’ll go there for the weekend. The house is already baby proofed and B will be comfortable.”

“Wow. That’s pretty generous of you. Are you doing this to kiss my ass?” I wanted to know how far she would go to get on my good side again. It was plain as day that she missed me in her life. I knew it because I felt the same way. As hard as I tried to stay mad at her, my heart was taking over, and that could only lead us down a road that neither of us were prepared for.

“Is it working?” She questioned.

At first I laughed, shaking my head at her presumption. Then our eyes met, and nothing could have prepared me for the vibes she was giving off.

I smiled at her while staring into her eyes. “I’m still mad, but some of the things you said last night were true. Knowing you were pregnant and alone would have been torture for me. It doesn’t make what you did right, but I don’t know if I could have handled not being able to get to you.”

It was the best feeling to have my own daughter come up and take my hand. “Pay wit me.”

I followed her like a lost puppy. Climbing and jumping through things I had no business being in. I didn’t care. The employees saw my fatigues and let it go. They weren’t about to tell a soldier he couldn’t be with his child.

After she found her friends again, my little bug went off to play in smaller tubes. I found Kat sitting on the same bench as before. “Is she always so playful?”

“Unless she’s in grumpy mood. Then she won’t want anything to do with you.”

What happened next wasn’t on purpose. All I was trying to do was adjust the way I was sitting. Accidentally I placed my hand on top of hers and electricity rushed through me, awakening the dormant places that had been holding out so long for her. Our eyes met again and this time I knew she was feeling it too.

I tugged my hand away as fast as possible. “Sorry.”

Kat peered forward. “Yeah, so that was weird.”

I cleared my throat, trying to figure out what to say next. “Your husband seems nice. Does he make you happy?”

“He’d do anything for me.” I wished it weren’t true. I wanted her to say he was a loser, so that I had a reason to still want her.

“So, you’re happy? Well, before all this happened I mean.”

I couldn’t stop staring at her as I awaited her reply. She captivated me, just like she always could. It was effortless, the connection between us. “Yeah, I guess. We’ve had our problems. Bobby had an accident at work and his legs were both broken. It’s taken him a long time to be able to get himself mobile again.”

“I guess I just want to know if he gives you everything you need, because for all the years that I’ve been away, I somehow believed that I was the only person that could be all that you wanted.”

When our daughter ran by chasing a little boy it made me chuckle. “Do you remember how I used to follow you like that?”

“I remember chasing you.” Her answer made me beam.

“Kat, all of this feels like some sort of out of body experience to me. I’ve got a two-year-old daughter and you’re married to someone else. I feel like at any second I’m going to wake up and it will have all been a wonderful dream.”

Without removing her eyes from mine, she spoke. All I wanted to do was reach over and touch her lips. I wanted to remember what it felt like to touch her again. “It’s real. I’ve been living this life for almost three years now. I can assure you that you’re not going to wake up.”

I leaned in close, so that I couldn’t be heard by anyone else. “Then I just need to know one thing.”

“What?”

“You’re not going to like it. It’s just really been bothering me.” It was probably a terrible conversation to have in a play park, but I hadn’t been given a rule book.

“Say it.”

“Did you ever consider having an abortion?” I put my hand up to keep her from prematurely answering. “I’m asking because you were all alone. You knew I wasn’t coming home for years and that you’d have to raise the child yourself. I keep trying to make sense of everything. I won’t be mad if you did. Looking at what we’d created was the most fulfilling kind of feelings I’ve ever experienced, but I get that you were alone and scared. So tell me, Kat. How did you know you were going to be okay?”

She responded so quickly that I knew it was never an option for her. “I never considered terminating the pregnancy, Brooks.” She glanced at our child for a second. “Because no matter where you were, I knew I had a piece of you growing inside of me. Giving that up was never a question.” Our fixed eyes made the hair stand up on my arms. It was intense. “That night we spent together in that hotel room was the second best night of my life.”

Her words meant the world to me. She couldn’t know how worried I’d been that she’d regretted the night we spent together. “What was your first?”

“The day I gave birth to your daughter.”

That did me in. That moment when the truth crossed her lips I was done for. I peered down at the floor, reached over and put my hand on her knee, knowing damn well I was crossing a line. “I can’t stop loving you, Kat,” I whispered.

I’d said it and she’d heard me. When I turned to look into her eyes again I was taken back by all the emotions overwhelming me. This woman was my everything. I existed because of her.

Kat sat there stunned that I’d been so open about it. Maybe she was shocked that after I discovered her secret, I still had such strong feelings for her. That’s honestly how I knew it was real. Kat was never an infatuation for me. It had been love from the very beginning; the kind that doesn’t ever go away.

Chapter 31

It was so
easy catching up with Kat, so long as we avoided discussing our own feelings. That topic was off limits even though I had to fight from expressing them on several occasions. It was hard being so close to her and not wanting to touch her.

Kat made it easier. When things felt like they were becoming intense she would change the subject. If anyone could tame my beastly parts it was her. She knew exactly how to lock them up and threaten them if they wanted to come out. To keep our conversations mundane we’d bring up silly things, or talk about old times.

She told me about her friends, church, and even a little about her marriage. I refused to let my guard down because I knew I’d start suggesting things that were inappropriate. Even though I wasn’t going to lie about them, I didn’t want to cause trouble for Kat. She seemed to have a good marriage, and I was no home wrecker, even if I thought she was mine in the first place.

Little B wanted chicken nuggets and fries, and I was determined to give her whatever her pretty little heart desired. We set out to have a nice supper together. The whole time I kept smiling because we were eating like a family. While I kept our daughter out of the high chair to be next to me, Kat made sure she was on her best behavior, by promising ice cream as a reward.

Seeing her as a mother was something I’d never taken the time to imagine. She was so good at it, almost like it was natural. I knew she’d had two years of experience, but her patience was impressive, especially since neither of us had ever been around small children before.

At one point she kept checking her watch. I asked Kat if we were taking too long, but she insisted that everything was fine. Every once in a while we’d catch each other gazing. I was so happy to be around them that I wasn’t worried about anyone seeing us that might know her. We weren’t doing anything wrong, but having a meal with our child. At some point, it wasn’t going to be a secret who I was to them.

Our little girl couldn’t make it through her meal without starting to doze. I paid the check and helped get her in the car before we started on our way back to her house. B feel asleep shortly after being buckled in. Even while she slept I found her stunning.

The closer we got to Kat’s house, the more things were bothering me. There was a lot I needed to get off my chest, and I couldn’t do it with people around. I pulled over on the side of the road and threw the vehicle in park. “What is it?” She asked.

“You know, I kept your letters, even after I moved back home and found out you had a family. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t come to terms with throwing them away, because it felt like I was throwing away our love.” I brushed the back of my hand across her cheek while looking at her. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling Kat, but when I’m with you, I feel like nothing has changed between us. Now we have a little girl. I mean, Jesus Christ, we made a baby together. She’s so freaking perfect, too. I look at her and I see both of us. I can’t be angry with you because all I wanted for so long was to be a part of your life again. I get that you’re married, and he makes you happy. I can respect that. I won’t push or ask you for something that you can’t give me, but I have to know the truth. I have to know if what you said to me in all those letters was true. Do I still have your heart, or did you already give it to someone else? When you look at me do you see me as a threat or is it something entirely different? Kat, I can’t see you every single day and not want to touch you. It’s been one and I’m already freaking out because I’m having to take you home. Just tell me to back off.”

She reached over and put her hand on my arm. I could tell she was in deep thought. Her eyes closed, and I half expected her to lean forward and kiss me. “I’m not afraid of you Brooks. I know you’d never hurt me. You love her already, I can see it in your eyes. I’ve watched you holding her and falling for her. Somehow she already knows you’re special.”

“You’re avoiding my question.”

“You don’t want the truth.”

I looked away, feeling as if she’d given her heart away. It hurt to imagine. “I think you just said it.”

I knew it was time to take her home. I couldn’t sit there and wish for something that was never going to come true. I didn’t speak again until we reached the house. “So tomorrow, can I come by the same time?”

“Yeah. It’s Sunday. We usually go to church, but we’re back before one. You can come over anytime after that.” She was very rehearsed, almost professional as she spoke to me.