Love Survives (6 page)

As soon as she noticed me entering the room she came at me, shoving the drawing against my chest, “How long have you been in love with me, Brooks?”

I smiled. “That question isn’t going to get answered.”

Not knowing where my brother could be, I tried to walk away from her. She grabbed me, pulling me back to be facing her. From the look in her eyes I knew it was about to get very serious, but I couldn’t have predicted what she was going to tell me. Once again she’d left me speechless. “I would have picked you, and you know it. So I need an answer. How long?”

It was gut-wrenching, hearing her truthfully coming to grips with what could have been. The burning in my eyes let me know that I couldn’t keep holding my feelings from her. I’d waited all this time, protected her, because I thought it’s what she needed. This was my chance to come clean. “I’ve loved you for as long as I could remember.”

Kat’s face scrunched up as she began to cry heavily. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. You’re going to be happy with Branch. He loves you. I’ll be out of the picture and it will get easier. The distance between us will help.” I was attempting to convince myself.

Kat kept shaking her head, as if she was in denial.

I couldn’t resist. My lips were on her forehead, leaving her with a reminder that even space couldn’t make me forget about her. “Just remember that you were my first.”

Kat looked into my eyes and grinned. “I’ll never forget our first kiss, Brooks.”

It wasn’t until she began to leave the room that caused me to clarify exactly what I meant. “I wasn’t just talking about a kiss, Kat.”

Her body spun around. “Huh?”

“September 11
^th,
for the past two years. I’m surprised you didn’t know, being as I’ve always been there for you on that day, because unlike my brother, I never could sleep that night knowing you were so upset.”

It took a couple seconds for it to all sink in. Then I watched her composure change. I knew what was coming, so I prepared myself for the blow. “You…oh God. You.”

She covered her mouth and started backing away, but I refused to let her. I closed in on her, breaking the distance between us, while whispering so no one else could hear. “I waited until the perfect moment to have you for myself. You had to be my first Kat, and I knew it was the only way it could happen.”

I watched her haul ass out of my room. She slammed her bedroom door shut, and I didn’t bother going after her. The noise alone would have caught everyone’s attention. Not wanting to draw the curiosity to the both of us, I closed my own door and retreated back to my bed.

Nearly twenty minutes later she came barging back inside without knocking. Her finger pointed in my direction, and I’d honestly never seen her so pissed. “Don’t come visit me in college, Brooks. You’re right, I need to be away from you so that I can be happy with Branch. We don’t need you trying to push us apart. And as far as those two nights go, that goes to your grave with you. I won’t lose Branch over this.”

I spent my last night at home all alone. I think my parents assumed that I wanted space. Perhaps they thought I was packing, or resting. In reality I was a freaking mess. Kat hated me, and I felt like I couldn’t live with myself. I’d known the repercussions before acting out, and overlooked them anyway.

With nothing left in me to lose, I sat down at my desk and wrote her an explanation. I wasn’t going to give it to her before I left, but hopefully when I returned she’d be willing to read it.

Dear Kat,

If you’re reading this letter then I’ve already left for the Army. Which also probably means that I was too chicken shit to tell you how I really feel about you.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this because you’ll probably never come up into this tree house again. In the chance that you do, I need to set things straight, once and for all.

The first thing you need to know is that from the first day we met, as infants even, I loved you. I can’t remember one day where I didn’t, so it has to mean it’s since birth.

The second thing you need to know is that I wanted to tell you when we were twelve and had shared our first kiss. I know you remember that night. I pulled you aside and asked you to do it again. I was going to tell you, but I got called in for dinner. That next day you lost your parents and being your friend was more important than any horny kids’ feelings.

So I waited.

The thing was, I accidentally told Branch all about it. He told me that you secretly confided in him that you liked him, but didn’t want to hurt my feelings. It was a shitty move, but well played by him. He knew that if I thought you wanted him, I’d back off.

I waited for the day that you would break up with him, hoping that one day you’d want me instead. After time, I knew it wouldn’t happen. Our family was too close, and my parents wouldn’t tolerate a scandal like that, besides the fact that I couldn’t destroy the whole family over it.

I stepped aside and let him have you. I watched him hold you and kiss you, day after day, until I finally couldn’t take it anymore.

One night, I snuck into your room. You thought I was Branch, and I didn’t correct you. You asked me to make the pain go away and so I did. I wanted to be that guy that you needed.

That was when I lost my virginity.

I’m not sorry about it either
because
I know it is something I will never regret.

You’ll probably hate me now, but that wasn’t the only time it happened. I snuck into your room the next year, on the anniversary of your parent’s death, again. I wanted to be the one to make your tears go away.

Now that you know the truth, you’ll understand why I had to leave. I want you to be happy with my brother. He’ll treat you right and give you everything you want.

Maybe when we’re older, with gray hair and lots of children, we can be friends again.

Until then, know I love you.

I always have and I always will.

Love, Brooks

Chapter 7

I always thought
that the tragic death of the Michaels was the most brutal thing I’d ever experienced, when in fact looking into Kat’s eyes as I said goodbye was just as horrible, maybe even worse. The idea of not being able to see her, to touch her, to know that she was okay, was killing me inside. I wasn’t just riding off into the sunset to start a new life. The real Brooks was still somewhere close to her, clinging to hope that someway we still had a chance. What was left of me was an empty shell; one that longed for some sort of resolution that didn’t involve pain, or being alone.

I think I would have felt better if my last words were about love, but instead I’d only reassured her that her secret was safe with me. I didn’t plan on ever telling my brother, or anyone else that I’d slept with Kat. She didn’t deserve to suffer because of my actions.

After a whole day of traveling, I’d arrived at intake. So many men and women my age stood around waiting to be called and assigned. One by one we were taken to areas to start the long process. During the first week I said goodbye to civilian clothes, lost all of my hair to a buzz-cut, and prepared for the physical aspects of the following week. Testing mental and physical endurance would have been easier if the drill sergeant wasn’t such a hard ass. I swear that there was no possible way someone should be able to yell as much as this guy did. No matter what he was talking about, it was in a piercing announcement. For the most part, I was thankful that he pushed us to the limit because if I wasn’t so exhausted I don’t know if I would have been able to sleep. My last thought every night before I closed my eyes was of Kat, and how I’d left things so unhinged. Thinking that she hated me made me work harder. I couldn’t fail at this too because I’d have nothing left of my own.

During the fourth week we practiced and learned marksmanship. I never knew that there was so much to learn about a weapon. We were taught how to hold each gun, how to breathe, and even how to break it down to clean it.

The fifth and sixth week forced us to work together with our fellow members. It wasn’t always a success, and I say that with a grain of salt, because sometimes I felt as if I was the weakest link. It was there that I started to get close with two fellow trainees. Mullins, or Trevor Mullins that is, was from Kentucky. He’d just gotten married, and they were expecting their first child. Amanda Taylor was also someone I found interesting. It was obvious that she’d been raised by her father. The girl could bench press a large man, and she didn’t hold back her opinions. Nothing about her reminded me of Kat, making it easier for me. Her blonder hair was always tied back, so I’m not very sure how long it actually was, but her huge brown eyes were what really stood out. I read once that a person’s eyes stayed the same size since birth. If that was the case than as a baby she must have looked like an alien. Now, it had become a good feature, not that I’d ever bring it up in conversation.

For the next four weeks the three of us teamed up during our drills and helped each other as much as we were able to. After the tenth and final week we graduated basic training, but that was only the beginning for me. I’d found a liking to weapons and wanted to pursue a position that would enable me to get out on the battlefield.

You have to understand that at this point I was only fueled by motivation to keep trucking forward. My aspirations of ever being happy were replaced with taking risks because honestly I felt as if I had nothing to go home to.

I hooked up with Amanda after a month of us being friends. I didn’t do it to erase Kat, or forget all the feelings that I clearly still had for her. I did it because I was tired of feeling so alone. I could tell she was in the same boat. We both needed reprieve, so one night, after a lot of drinks, we decided to go at it like rabbits. Admittedly it helped for a short while. That first night I slept like a rock, so we continued doing it, sneaking around at night when everyone was asleep. There were no feelings on my part. I’d made that clear from the beginning. Amanda, on the other hand, had gotten carried away, reading too much into it.

When I knew it was time to stop, she agreed. We were headed in different directions, and I used that as my excuse to let her down easy.

Mullins watched his child being born from an internet video chat box. I sat next to him, staring in shock as his wife labored and struggled to birth his daughter. I honestly had to close my eyes when it began to happen. It felt too intrusive, like I didn’t have a right to witness it. As they pulled the crying baby out, cleaned her off and stuck her in the mother’s arms, I watched my friend fall apart. He wanted nothing more than to be there for them. He’d become a father in that moment, and I was grateful he wanted me there to experience it with him.

In the next few weeks, I watched him break down too many times to count. We were supposed to be strong soldiers, rangers, but inside we all had our demons.

One night after doing drills, we found Amanda passed out in the bathroom. She was unresponsive at first. Mullins and I watched them carting her out, not knowing what was going on with our friend. Come to find out she’d taken a bunch of pills and left a note on her pillow. She said she couldn’t handle it anymore, and that going home was never going to be an option.

We never saw her after that night, not even when we graduated.

The longer I was away, the easier it got to pretend that I hadn’t left my heart back at home. Honestly, I’d learned to shove all of my emotions to the farthest place in my mind. I experienced loss, life, and brutality. It made me strong on the outside, but unlike how I pictured, I could see that every person around me had their own personal flaws.

I learned to hide my feelings, to stay distracted, and distance myself from the things that hurt too much to think about.

Even my calls to my parents were quick. I could tell they were worried, but also knew they were trying to prepare for Kat and Branch to move to Salisbury to start college. Soon they’d be home alone, without any of us kids. I just hoped they’d remain together, because after all this time, I still worried my parents had stayed together for the three of us kids.

It took me about a year to come to grips with being able to communicate with Kat again. In that time I’d trained to be a ranger, and parts of me were obviously changed. She’d been sending me letters, never saying much on a personal level. I think she felt like she was including me in her day-to-day as if we still lived under the same roof. At least once a week I’d been getting mail for the past several months. Sitting down to write her back, after all the time that had passed, was so difficult.

I was a different person than the young man that walked onto that bus. Even though I’d seen my parents when I graduated boot camp, I hadn’t seen Kat or my brother since that day in June when I left.