Love Survives (3 page)

We heard someone walking into the bathroom, and I could tell Branch was worried our parents were awake and listening. “I better get back to bed. Don’t tell Katy I told you. She made me promise to keep it a secret, especially from you.”

I don’t even know if I held in my first tear until my door shut. I lost control, over not just my emotions, but also my heart. For so long I’d assured myself she’d come running to me. I could feel our connection, knowing that there was still something between us. How could I have been so mistaken? Was I blind? Had Branch been right all along? Was I only a dear friend to Kat, and nothing more?

Like a little child, I bawled myself to sleep, with images of my brother screwing the love of my life.

After that night it became even more difficult to hang out with them. I could feel myself withdrawing, but they didn’t seem to care. Even though they attempted to include me, I knew it was only to cover up the fact that they were a couple to our parents. I hated being used for their benefit and knew I had to make a change to rectify the situation. I was inadequate.

For a few months I was good about keeping my distance. I started talking to other girls, but only to attempt to get Kat out of my head. It was quite ridiculous since she lived in the same house as me. How was one to forget someone they saw every single day, sat across from at the table, and brushed their teeth alongside of?

Reluctantly I turned my pain into something else. Fueled by jealousy and regret, I distanced myself more from the two lovebirds, becoming troublesome to hide the brutal truth of what I knew I’d never have.

It was hard to imagine loathing both of them, but with each day came the hope of being able to finally rid myself of the constant ache I had in my heart.

It wasn’t always bad though. On occasion Kat and my mom would go out for hours, shopping and doing what females liked to do. In those instances Branch and I were cool. I didn’t hate him for loving her. I hated myself for not being brave enough to tell her first. For that reason I’d be forever envious of his life, hoping someday to replace my feelings for Kat with someone that I could have wholeheartedly. Until that day came I’d continue wishing she was mine; and just hoping for the moment when she’d realize that she’d made the wrong choice.

Chapter 3

On the anniversary
of her parent’s death, at the age of sixteen, something broke in me. I’d been doing so well, portraying someone who pretended not to care that the other half of my heart was bedding my brother.

On this particular evening Kat was a wreck. My parents had started a tradition with making her favorite meal; one her mother used to make. Each time, since their death, it would start out nice and end up with everyone sad, reminiscing about what could have been.

When Kat headed up to bed I watched my brother giving her a look, but he didn’t follow behind her. Silently I sat there next to him, playing a video game and acting like everything was well in the world. All the while I wondered how he could be so insensitive. She clearly needed him to reassure her that everything would be okay, yet he was in his own little world, ignoring the fact that his girlfriend was falling apart.

“I think Kat’s upset.”

“She’s always upset about something,” Branch replied.

“Yeah, but tonight is the anniversary.”

“She told me she was fine, Brooks. Let it go. It’s not your problem. Honestly, I don’t know why you still care. Can’t you take a hint?”

I ignored his comment, unable to accept that Kat would ever want me to leave her alone. When we were together she was content, almost blissful. That wasn’t how someone acted when they were annoyed. This wasn’t the first time my brother had mentioned it to me, nor was it going to prevent me from being there for my best friend. Until she told me from her own mouth to steer clear, I’d be by her side, offering her anything she needed.

By the time we headed up to bed all I could think about was Kat. After the house got quiet I could hear her sobbing through the walls. Something happened that night. It was like I snapped. I couldn’t fathom being so far away from her when she needed someone to wipe away her tears and comfort her until the pain subsided. I considered waking up my brother, but refused to allow myself to let him take credit for my concerns. She needed the love that I had to give her because it was effortless.

Before I could rationalize with my teenage self, I was already opening her door. The room was silent, but I knew exactly where to walk. I crouched down on the side of her bed, following the direction of her sniffles to place exactly where she was on the mattress.

A hand reached out and touched mine, leading me closer to her. Her cries beckoned me to hold her, to take the pain away, even if only for a few moments. I could do this without getting overwhelmed. This was my Kat. I was put on this earth to take care of her. I knew it more than anything else.

Eventually, I began to relax. Being so near gave me this feeling of empowerment. As her lips narrowed toward mine I realized she thought I was Branch, but I refused to stop her. I couldn’t prevent something so tremendous and unrehearsed from happening. In that moment right from wrong didn’t exist. I had to cross the line because spending another second without her in my arms seemed unbearable.

I never intended to take it so far. From the second her lips pressed against mine I felt myself losing control. Her body was like a wonderland, welcoming me to explore. I’d dreamed of this moment, even prayed for it to happen.

This wasn’t just some girl that I was about to be intimate with. This was Kat, the girl I’d loved my whole life. She kept crying, pulling me closer. Her kisses were desperate, and I needed to save her from the pain. I wanted to be the one who could take it away, not because I wanted to, but because she desired it to be me. In my head I convinced myself that she knew the difference. I told my body to proceed.

From that first kiss, with every touch, I knew I couldn’t hold back. I’d love to be able to blame immaturity on my decision making, or perhaps my lack of control came from pent up anxiety of wanting her. Whatever the case, I couldn’t refrain.

“It hurts so much. Please just make the pain go away. Make me forget about it for just a little while. I can’t feel this way,” she continued sobbing.

I tried to talk my way out of it as a final desperate plea. “This won’t solve anything,” I whispered.

Her lips were back on mine, her tongue immediately taunting me to participate. She only pulled away to beg some more while reaching her hands up my sides underneath of my shirt. I should have pulled away, but her touch awakened parts of me that I didn’t know how to control. I became carried away, lost in the perpetual moment of having her all to myself. She hadn’t said my brother’s name, nor had she pushed me away. Denying her would be like refusing to breathe.

I took my time, kissing her soft skin, and savoring each and every kiss. I caressed her tender areas, making sure she knew I appreciated this opportunity. Her tears were silenced once our clothes were removed, and we lay there overtop of one another. Though shaky, I entered her with little effort, sending my body into an uncontrolled euphoria. I began to shake, hiding it with my movements as I set out for an unpracticed pace. Kat wasn’t just my first love, she was my first everything, and knowing that caused my senses to go awry.

When the moment was over we laid there in each other’s arms in silence. Out of breath, and still frazzled from what we’d just done, I knew I had to leave the room. It took everything in me to separate our bodies, kiss her, and then walk away.

Once I reached my room I closed the door and plopped down on my bed, first to celebrate silently to myself, but then to punish myself for the sins that I’d allowed myself to commit.

I’d just lost my virginity to the girl I loved, yet felt as if my heart had vacated my body and been replaced with utter guilt. I’d disrespected my brother, my parents, and most of all the one person I cared the most for.

When she awoke the next morning, clearly giving all of her attention to my brother, I knew what I feared was true. Kat hadn’t made love to me. She’d thought I was Branch, and I hadn’t corrected her.

For the next week I steered clear of them the best I could, in fear that they’d both approach me after discovering my secret. When a month passed I started to question if Kat was keeping it a secret, yet nothing had changed between us. I was still the third wheel, the person who kept them from being alone.

Deciding to let it go, I buried my pain by hooking up with random chicks from school. They’d never be Kat, but I couldn’t let it keep breaking me down. If she wasn’t meant to be mine, I had to move on, before the pain consumed me.

Each time we were together, every second I spent close to her, reminded me of that special night. When I rested my head to sleep, I spent countless hours thinking about her, drawing her in my sketchbook, and even writing letters that I knew I’d never give her. It was the only way to cope with what I’d done, and how I still felt.

The more I attempted to move on, the harder it became. Kat was relentlessly picking on every girl I talked to. She felt she was being a friend while I saw it as something else. It got her attention, which only made me do it more frequently. By the time the anniversary of her parent’s death came back around, I’d given myself a terrible reputation. No matter how hard I tried, she still wouldn’t stop giving me that look; the one that always left me hoping there was something between us.

It wasn’t until I brought someone home with me to her special dinner that everything became apparent. It was the breaking point; the one that would send me as far away as I could get.

After meeting Kat and my brother at the cemetery to pay our annual respects to her parent’s lost lives, I parted ways with them. While they went to catch a movie, I ran into someone from school that had been trying to get with me for months. Her name was Natalie Chambers. She was blonde, bodacious, and could probably get any guy she wanted. From the moment we were alone, I could tell she was willing to take things as far as I wanted. In this case, I’d only set out to get a rise out of Kat. She and Branch had been up each other’s asses, and since it wasn’t just the anniversary of her parents anymore, but also the one year mark since we’d last been together, I wasn’t handling it very well. It didn’t help that my parents had both been questioning my reasons for acting mischievous. At one point, they’d both asked me about my feelings for Kat, but since my brother and her had finally come out with their relationship, I knew I couldn’t make it any harder to live under the same roof as them.

Branch, on the other hand, had been adamant about his intentions with Kat. He’d basically used the excuse that he deserved her more. Had it not been for my guilt, I probably would have fought harder, but living with the knowledge that I pretended to be my brother in the bedroom was still too heavy on my heart. I couldn’t look at my mirror image and not feel like hell over my actions.

My only hope was that he would one day screw up, and I’d be there to pick up the pieces, because after all, good things come to those who wait.

Destined to fail, I decided to use my energy on something more constructive, like proving I could get over Kat.

The moment she set eyes on Natalie it was obvious I’d gotten under her skin. She threw me a dirty look from across the table, only making me want to keep at it. I wasn’t always interested in making her mad, but this was different. She was becoming unhinged with jealousy. It caused me to wonder why. If she was so in love with my brother, why would she react this way?

Since I’d clearly gotten a good rise out of her, I took the next moments to test my theory. With a witty smile across my face, I reached down beneath the tabletop to stroke Natalie’s leg. While taking notice to Kat’s expression, I witnessed her dropping a utensil. Had I really gotten her undivided attention, and if so, how far was I willing to take it to prove my theory?

I let my hand slip in between Natalie’s thighs, knowing that Kat was under the table getting an eye full. When she sat back up in her chair I could tell I’d hit a nerve. Her eyes were beading out of her head, and she looked like she was about to get ill. Then I saw something I hadn’t noticed before. It wasn’t jealousy, like I’d assumed.

It was pain.

All of a sudden my demeanor changed. I’d hurt her. I’d caused her pain for no reason but my own benefit. How could I have assumed it was a good idea? Was I really willing to mess with her feelings to make myself feel better about her being with Branch? Was I that cold of a person?

When Kat got up from the table Branch looked toward me as if he knew I was the culprit. I wondered if it bothered him knowing that I could get to Kat that way. Didn’t he get curious as to why she cared what I was doing?

At any rate, I took it as my cue to get the hell out of there. Kat clearly wanted to be away from me. When we finished our food I led Natalie out of the house. For a while we drove around. She kept reaching for me, tucking her hands between my legs and rubbing where she knew she’d get a reaction.