Authors: KE Payne
Got all my clothes out last night and threw them onto the bed. They made a sorry sight. I’m just not that into clothes really. I spend half my time either watching TV or walking in the woods with Barbara—what’s the point of having nice clothes for that?? I’m the sort of person who, when I approach trendy clothes shops, the assistants fling themselves behind their counters, sound an ‘uncool person approaching’ siren and make the sign of the cross at me.
I like walking trousers, fleeces, trainers! They’re comfortable! I’m more As-Long-As-It-Fits Girl than It Girl.
Anyway, after much wailing and beating of chest (not literally, of course—that would be silly), I managed to cobble together something half-decent. I sooooooooo want to make a good impression on J tomorrow night.
Saturday 10 February
3 p.m.: spent the day making sure my clothes were clean, then had a bath and washed my hair. Writing this now as I’m supposed to be meeting the gang at 4 p.m. in town and I might not feel like writing when I get home. Am v.v.v.v.v. nervous. Wish me luck!!
Ben texted me to say have a good night tonight, which was nice of him.
Sunday 11 February
It’s official. I’m in love with J, like, proper l-o-v-e…not just ‘like’…but lovvvvvvvvve, and it feels great!!
Last night was amaaaaazing!
We all met up and went to see
Hot Fuzz
down at the Odeon. I wanted to sit next to J but ended up sitting between Caroline and Alice instead; I didn’t want to arouse any suspicion so I didn’t say anything. I could just
feel
her presence there, in the cinema, and that was quite enough for me! Movie was okay!
But! Then we went to the Far East restaurant next door (called F East—geddit??) and I ended up sitting next to J!!!!!!!!!!! Sneaky manoeuvre, Clem!!! Anyway, I was soooooo nervous, but I needn’t have been ’cos we got on great! I was on top form, even if I do say so myself, and was cracking loads of jokes and making everyone laugh. I just felt so happy! I was mucking about with the chopsticks and J was killing herself! Alice was a bit quiet, though: I wonder if she was unwell?
I think J could fancy me!!! We were very close all evening and she didn’t make any effort to talk to anyone else. She seemed…wrapped up in me! I wonder if I should ask her out, or is it too soon? Maybe I ought to play it cool, see how things go? Would she be cool with being asked about by a girl? Hmmm.
Anyway, I practically floated home and I haven’t stopped smiling since I got in.
I’m in love I’m in love I’m in love!!!!!!!!
Didn’t think about Ben all night. Oops.
Monday 12 February
Wicked day at school today! J found me (she came to find me!!!!!) during break and asked if I wanted to go to the canteen with her at lunchtime: well, not just me, I mean, I was with Alice, Ems, and Marcie and she asked us all, but I’m sure she was directing her question just at me. So we had lunch with her (not Alice—she said she had some work to do in the library) and I couldn’t take my eyes off her!!!! We made an arrangement to have lunch again tomorrow! It’s a…date!
Maybe soon we’ll be going on a proper date?
Was supposed to do Maths homework tonight but just wasn’t in the mood. My head’s too full of the lovely J to be bothered with such insignificant matters as x over bloody y = z!!!!
Tuesday 13 February
We had lunch with J again today and she started talking about her boyfriend.
I felt like my world had just collapsed around me. His name’s Gareth, and he goes to King Edward’s School (the nerd). I hate him.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhh!
I really thought she might like me! So what was that all about on Saturday night, then? All that interest she was showing in me? Why is it that I finally start to think she might like me the way I like her, and then I find out she has a boyfriend?
Why me??????? Why is everyone fucking-well straight? Why is it I find someone I
really really
like and she’s straight??? I’m sooooooo pissed off.
Texted Ben and asked him if he wanted to go out somewhere on Saturday. I figured if I go out with him loads, I might start to go off J a bit. It’s got to be worth a try, hasn’t it?
Wednesday 14 February
Valentine’s Day. Did I get a card? Like hell I did! I bet J got one from Garrrrrrreth, the cock! Even HRBH got a bunch of flowers from Ade!
Bet he nicked them from a graveyard, though.
Thursday 15 February
I’ve decided that I’m just going to be a friend to J. I’m going to stop all this shitty business and just have her as a friend—after all, that’s got to be better than nothing, hasn’t it? Anyway, this is just a phase I’m going through. Growing pains. I bet I’ll read this in a year’s time when I’m all sorted in my head and I’ll laugh about it!!
Sat next to Hannah in Maths today. She has a wicked sense of humour and was making me laugh by doing a pretend commentary on Mr. Briggs’ teaching methods (which are nonexistent!). I think I’d like to sit next to her in every lesson!
Got a Valentine’s card off Ben. He thought Valentine’s Day was the 15
th
, not the 14
th
. It had a picture of a crow (?) in a field of sweet corn, and the crow was saying ‘It’s kinda corny…’ Then inside it continued ‘…but I’m sweet on you.’
I didn’t get him a card—I hope he doesn’t mind.
Friday 16 February
Had lunch with J again. She told us that Garrrrrrrreth not only bought her a card on Wednesday, but gave her a bunch of roses
and
took her to Pizza Hut for a stuffed-crust extra-cheesy Milano.
How
cheesy is that??? While she was telling us all this, I kept telling myself she was just a friend and that I didn’t fancy her. But she has such damn nice eyes and such a sweet smile and…and…
Shit.
Saturday 17 February
Met Ben in town at lunchtime and we went to Pizza Hut. All I could think of as I was munching away on my Italiano Supremo was that J had sat with Gareth in this very same restaurant. I felt miserable then, so didn’t bother saying much to Ben. He seemed a bit grumpy with me, which only made me feel even grumpier. I ate six slices of garlic bread too, hoping that it might put him off trying to kiss me later, but no! He latched on to me round the back of the garbage bins and seemed undeterred by the whiff of garlic that, to me, was so strong it could have made a Frenchman cry.
Sunday 18 February
Went to church with Mum this morning!!!!!!!! Was wide awake at 6 a.m. and I heard Mum moving around at about seven so asked her if I could come with her. Church isn’t my thing but I kinda thought singing some happy hymns might cheer me up a bit ’cos I woke up thinking about J and it made me feel like shit.
Mum looked a bit surprised but said yes, so we walked round there together. I didn’t take communion, of course, me not being communed and all, so sat in my pew and ended up thinking about J again. Felt guilty about having Sapphic thoughts in church so switched my mind to something mundane, like the colour of our grouting in the bathroom, but no matter how hard I try not to think about her, she’s always there, lurking in the back of my mind.
Monday 19 February
J keeps having lunch with us and I can’t stand it! I can’t stand knowing that I’ll never be with her, that she’ll never feel the way I feel and that it’s just, well, hopeless! Oh, I sit there and laugh along with everyone else, but inside, my heart’s breaking and I just can’t stand it. Alice noticed I hadn’t eaten my Pringles
and asked if I was feeling okay. What could I say? I just smiled and told her I was fine. I’m not.
Tuesday 20 February
Bit depressed all day. Came home and took Barbara out for a walk up the fields as that’s the only place I can think properly.
Started thinking about J and about how I’ll never be able to be with her, and wondered how I’ll ever get her out of my head. Then I thought about Ben, and about how I should be happy going out with him, but wondering why I don’t feel happy.
Sat up on the hill and looked out across the city and before I knew what was happening, I was crying. Big hot tears plopping down my cheeks. I DON’T DO CRYING!!! What is happening to me? I feel like I’m in a big black hole and I’m just waiting for someone to throw me a spade so I can get out.
Sat up on the hill until it started to get dark, then hurried home. Mum looked at me strangely when I got in (could she see that I’d been crying?) and asked me if I was okay. I soooooooo wanted to talk to her about it, but I can’t, ’cos a big part of me worries that she just won’t understand.
If I tell her I’m cut-up about someone she’ll automatically assume it’s a boy and I don’t wanna have to lie to her, but I don’t feel ready to tell her that I’m having feelings for a girl.
Anyway, how could I even begin to tell her what’s going on inside my head? I’m not even sure I really know what’s bloody well going on in my head, so how can I try and explain stuff to Mum?
So instead I just told her I was fine, and went to my room. Was too depressed to eat more than four pancakes tonight.
Got a text off Ben but couldn’t be arsed to answer it. He can wait.
Wednesday 21 February
Had the usual torture of eating lunch with J again today. Well, I say torture, but then I guess at least by having lunch with her, I do get to see her, and I figure that’s got to be better than nothing! Besides, if I suddenly don’t want to have lunch with her, the rest of the gang will wonder why, and I’ll have to explain myself. So, to not draw attention to anything, I go along with it, even though inside I’m hurting like hell.
Caught Hannah looking at me across the table. She smiled at me when I looked back at her so I smiled at her too. She has a nice smile.
Thursday 22 February
Was walking down the corridor on my way to History when J came up behind me and put her arms around me!!!!! I jumped like a rabbit and felt myself going really red!! I wish she wasn’t so touchy-feely ’cos it drives me crazy (with desire, not madness!). If only she knew that simply being in her presence makes me hot, she’d run a mile!!
Friday 23 February
Last day at school before half term!! I’m glad—I think I need a week away from this place ’cos it means a week away from J as well. It’s getting on top of me, all this unrequited love. I’m even going off my food a bit: I turned down the chance of an extra helping of potato last night, which was sacrilege.
Played hockey in PE class. God, I hate hockey! I mean, what’s the point of it? Hasn’t Miss Robinson figured out yet that the only reason I always asked to play left back is because all I have to do is stand in front of goal and not do anything? That plus the fact it means I can watch Emily Wilson’s arse wiggle while she runs down the left wing.
Saturday 24 February
Got a text off Ems first thing this morning telling me that Ben had told Ryan he was thinking of dumping me. Ems said I had to ring Ben straight away ’cos apparently he thinks I don’t like him and he thinks he’s wasting his time on me. I have to say I agree. I switched my phone off and went back to sleep.
When I woke up again, I switched my phone back on and Alice had left me a message asking if I wanted to go for a walk with Barbara. I rang her back and made up an excuse, telling her that Ben had dumped me and I didn’t feel like going out. OMG! She started going on and on about coming over to comfort me and how she would help me get over it, but I told her I had a headache and wanted to stay in bed. The truth was I felt fine. I just didn’t want to see her. I’m such a cow!
Moped around the house all morning, thinking about Ben and thinking that I should make the effort to contact him, make him think I didn’t want him to dump me, but I just couldn’t be arsed, which kinda tells me that I couldn’t care less whether he dumps me or not. Watched a bit of MTV but even the sight of the Pussycat Dolls jiggling their bits about on the screen got on my nerves, so I logged on and looked at some silly clips on YouTube of dogs on skateboards, which made me feel a bit better.
Tonight watched TV with Mum and Dad. HRBH went out clubbing, so no doubt she’ll crash into the house at 3 a.m. reeking of cheap beer as usual.
Sunday 25 February
Was awakened at 4:45 a.m. (!!) by the sound of HRBH retching in the toilet. It’s so unladylike! How can she be so sanctimonious and tell me I’ll never be a lady just ’cos I like wearing jeans and sweatshirts, then wake up the household heaving up the (liquid) contents of her stomach at some ungodly hour?