Authors: KE Payne
Was pleased to see she got NO sympathy from Mum when she eventually dragged herself out of bed at 3 p.m. Mum shoved a can of Coke in her hand and told her to take herself off for a bracing walk over the fields, ’cos she said HRBH smelt like a brewery and it was putting her off her crossword
.
Monday 26 February
Went into town with Mum this morning to buy a birthday present for Dad. Why are men so hard to buy for? What is in the shops that’s of any interest to men? Ended up buying him a pair of socks (yawn) and a CD of some old singer called String who apparently used to be a policeman or something way back in the 80s. Let’s hope he likes it; if not, it’s being eBayed!!
Tuesday 27 February
Had arranged to meet Alice in town today but she called it off ’cos she had a migraine. Decided to go in anyway, ’cos there was nothing else to do all day. Was rummaging through the DVDs in HMV when I spied J wrapped round some bloke who I can only assume is her boyfriend. Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan he’s ugly!!!!!!!! He looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit all the branches on the way down. Oh, J, you could have done
so
much better than that (me!). Funnily enough, I felt a bit better for seeing him. It’s kinda jolted me into reality and I feel…I dunno…different now.
It’s good. No, it really is.
Wednesday 28 February
Met Ems, Caroline, and Hannah in town and went for a coffee in Starbucks ’cos Matty works there during the holidays. Matty sneaked us all a free muffin with our coffees—result!!
Ems left after about half an hour to meet Ryan [/rolls eyes/] and then Caroline got a call on her mobile from another friend asking her to meet at McD’s so was left with Hannah. I’ve never really spoken to her properly before, ’cos I’ve only really seen her in lessons or with all the other gang at lunchtimes, so the conversation was a bit stilted to start with, but then we got talking and she’s really funny! She was in full Goth mode; I’ve only ever seen her at school where she’s got to be restrained so it was a bit of a shock seeing her in full ‘gear’. She had loads of black eye makeup on which really showed off her eyes (she has very nice brown eyes), and she was wearing black lippy and black nail varnish!! She had this ultra-cool skin-tight pair of trousers on with zips all over them, and a pair of
fuck-off
biker boots. I have to say, she looked really cool. I felt quite dowdy in my jeans and fleece but she didn’t say anything about it.
I asked her why she wanted to be a Goth--—sorry, EMO—and she said it was ’cos she likes the look. She said she likes wearing all the black, and all the choke chains and all, and she said it was good ’cos she doesn’t have to wash her hair as much as other girls ’cos it would spoil the whole look. She told me that EMOs are supposed to be depressives and obsessed with self-harming, but she said she had really nice skin and didn’t see the point in spoiling it just to make a statement, and she said although she could do a good line in sullenness now and again, she wasn’t generally as gloomy as most EMOs ’cos she had a naturally sunny nature and she thought life was too short to go around with a long face all the time.
I sat and listened to her and wondered if it was all worth it, this EMO lark. Her black hair and all her black makeup looks wicked, and she has some nice scarves and all, but I don’t think being an EMO would be for me. All that talk of death and dying would get me down. Anyway, we sat and chatted about EMOs and loads of other stuff until about 5ish when we both had to get off home. I walked home feeling really happy for some reason!
Thursday 1 March
Went bowling at the Multi-Plex with the gang and it was a blast! I was mucking about as usual (ever the clown) and even Ryan (the miserable bugger) laughed at me. I don’t like Ryan, I dunno why. He’s a posturing little twerp but he’s got no reason to posture. He’s no looker, that’s for sure. He’s short and I’m
sure
he’s losing his hair, even though he’s only seventeen! And he’s got funny-looking legs from all the football he plays; talk about bowed legs! Couldn’t stop a pig in a passage, that one.
Felt a bit left out ’cos everyone turned up with their boyfriends except me (Ben couldn’t come, even though he hasn’t officially dumped me yet). I wished Alice could have come, ’cos she doesn’t have a boyfriend, but she’s still ill with her migraine. Hannah turned up with her bloke, some lad called Dan, apparently, but he seemed to spend the whole afternoon talking to a group of girls who were playing the alley next to us. Poor Hannah!
I caught her looking at me again and I wondered if she thought I was a bit of a show-off ’cos I was larking about, but she was laughing along with all the others so maybe I was just being paranoid as usual.
Friday 2 March
Got my long-awaited dump text from Ben and, dear diary, I didn’t care less! He said that he really liked me but he thought I didn’t feel the same and something else along the lines of life was too short to wait around when there were other girls interested in him. What a cock! I texted him back and said that he was right, that I didn’t feel the same way about it, but thanked him for the few dates we went out on anyway. He didn’t reply.
Everyone made the usual sympathetic noises when I texted them and told them me and Ben weren’t going out with each other anymore. They kept asking me if I was all right and I kept telling them I was, and they kept telling me there were plenty more fish in the sea and stuff like that. Then Matty texted me and asked me if I minded if she went out with him ’cos she really fancied him!! The strange thing is I really
don’t
mind!
Saturday 3 March
We all met up in town again today for our last Saturday of freedom before school starts again on Monday. I was glad that J didn’t come ’cos I’ve come to the conclusion that the less I see her, the more I’m going to get over her. It’s never going to happen (me and her) so it’s best all round if I try to forget her. Try telling my heart that, though!
Dad’s birthday today. He accepted his presents with a complete lack of enthusiasm and only a glimmer of anything resembling gratitude, which means he’s probably pissed off at being old (43) and probably wanted something other than what I bought him. Next year he’s just getting the socks.
Sunday 4 March
Me and Alice went out for a walk with Barbara over the fields. Alice has kinda adopted Barbara, as her parents don’t like dogs. It feels sometimes like Alice’s parents don’t like a lot of things, and I feel a bit sorry for her ’cos everything she asks for, her parents tell her no. I think Alice needs to stand up to them a bit more sometimes; she’s dead nice and all but she can be a bit…wet, really. Sometimes I just want to shake her by the shoulders and tell her to toughen up. Maybe I’m just hard, I dunno.
Alice asked me about Ben and whether I was upset that we weren’t seeing each other anymore. I told her I was fine about it, and she said she was pleased I wasn’t going out with him any more ’cos she thought he wasn’t good enough for me! That was a turn-up for the books ’cos everyone else had been banging on to me about what a catch he was! I asked Alice what she meant and she just said, ‘You deserve better than him,’ and touched my hand, which made me feel a bit embarrassed. I was a bit taken aback by a rare show of affection by her (she’s usually as quiet as a guy in a lingerie department), but it’s nice that she looks out for me, I suppose.
Monday 5 March
Back to school (groaaaaaaan). We got told in History today that we have to choose a topic to do with all this Cold War stuff we’ve been studying and do a presentation on it. It all contributes towards our final exam mark apparently, which means I’m actually going to have to do some proper work. We’ve got to choose someone to do the project with, and we’ve got three weeks to write an essay on it, then we’ve both got to present it to the rest of the class. I’m shitting myself. I hate doing presentations ’cos I’m shy at standing up and talking to a group of people. Anyway, Hannah chose to do her presentation with me (she must be mad!), and we had a choice of subjects from:
Hannah chose the Cuban Missile Crisis, ’cos she said her dad would be old enough to remember it. Apparently it was, like, way back long ago in the 1960s, so I should be able to find something on the school computer library archives on it. Wonder if there are any veterans of the Crisis still alive that we could e-mail?
Me and Hannah are meeting up at lunchtime to start drawing up a plan. Hannah said it was better to start sooner rather than later…she’s keen!
Tuesday 6 March
Met Hannah at lunchtime again today to discuss the presentation but we barely talked about it. Hannah asked me to tell her about myself; she said I didn’t really ever say much when we’re all having lunch together (too busy mucking about, probably) and that she wanted to know a bit about me. So I said, ‘I’m lazy and lactose intolerant,’ which made her laugh (even if it’s not true—well, the second bit anyway.) I told her about where I lived, and about Mum and Dad, and HRBH and about our menagerie (dog/cat/rabbit) at home, then she told me that she lived with her mum and dad and her two brothers, Joe (eleven) and Dan (eighteen), who she said I met at bowling the other night. So that Dan lad was her brother!!! No wonder he wasn’t paying much attention to her!
I’ve come to the conclusion that I like Hannah. We’ve got the same sense of humour and I can see us being good friends. She’s kinda nice-looking too, and I had a brief ‘coo, you’re cute’ moment but then felt guilty for betraying J.
Wednesday 7 March
We had cross-country running in PE today. I ask you! What IS the point of getting 30 big-chested girls to lumber round a freezing-cold hockey pitch, shouting at them to ‘keep it up, girls’? It was dead cold and I kept getting a wedgie from my sodding gym shorts, so me, Alice, and Marcie snuck off to our usual hiding place behind one of the hedges and stayed there while Marcie had a smoke. She says it clears her head (but not her lungs) and makes her more able to cope with Miss Robinson’s raucous hollering.
Thursday 8 March
Heard today from Marcie that Matty’s going out with Ben. He didn’t hang about, did he??
Got told off in English literature today by Mr. Harman. He said he appreciated that the poem that Lucy Freeman was reading was rather dreamy, but if I could concentrate on that rather than daydreaming about whoever my latest ‘squeeze’ (eh??) might be, he’d be grateful. I was daydreaming, it’s true, but rather than dreaming about my latest ‘squeeze’ (chance would be a fine thing!) I was thinking about how marvellous it was the way J filled her bra. Shows what you know, Harman!
Friday 9 March
Caroline’s having a party tonight ’cos it’s her seventeenth birthday. I got her a soft dog plushie, which looks a bit like her dog, Pippin. She was very pleased with it. She’s having a party at her house later; she lives with her dad ’cos her mum left them to go and live with a forklift truck driver in Liverpool when Caroline was ten. Her dad’s going out tonight and has given her the run of the house! He’s mad! My parents would
never
let me have a party at home, ’cos my dad would be worried that his precious CD collection would get trashed (probably would) and that various teenagers would be sick in his garden pond (definitely would). Anyway, it’s going to be a late one, I think, so I’m doing my usual and writing this up now (5 p.m.) so that I can hide you away, dear diary, in case you fall into the hands of some evil ne’er do well (HRBH).
Saturday 10 March
Well, last night was a
disaster!
It started off okay, and I was having a laugh with all the gang and really enjoying myself. Everyone had turned up with boyfriends; Matty turned up with Ben, which was a bit awkward at first. He was all over her like a rash—all I kept thinking about was what an escape I’d made!!
J of course turned up with the awful Garrrrrrreth. I thought I was okay seeing them together, ’cos I kept telling myself I was okay about her, that I was over her and that she’s just a friend etc., etc., etc. I was doing really well for about an hour and a half, but then I saw them kissing in the conservatory and I burst into tears!! It was soooooooo embarrassing! I couldn’t help it. So I ran out of the house crying and sat in the garden, in the freezing cold, with tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t stop. So much for me being over her, huh? Anyway, Hannah and Alice came out to find me, and asked what was wrong, but what could I say? So I just blubbed and snuffled and snorted like some petulant toddler and said I wasn’t feeling well. Alice started to say she’d walk me back home, but then Hannah stepped in and said she’d take me instead. She put her arm around me, kinda protectively. I didn’t want to spoil Hannah’s evening, but she said in a determined tone that she’d rather make sure I was okay. I was glad, actually, ’cos I didn’t want to stay there a second longer. Alice looked a bit pissed off that Hannah said she’d walk me back after Alice had already offered, and I heard her mutter some comment about being capable of taking me herself ’cos she was my friend too. She was probably pissed off at me as well for accepting Hannah’s offer and not hers, but I felt so crap that I didn’t really give a shit.