Authors: KE Payne
HRBH has been on her diet for a week! It seems to be going well; I haven’t seen a scrap of chocolate pass her lips since…ooh…yesterday!
Friday 4 May
Had a vocabulary test in French today and I got 19 out of 20, which I’m really pleased about! Even Mrs. Howells seemed surprised. Maybe I’ll become a translator when I get older.
Relieved that Hannah hasn’t asked me any more questions about Ben since Tuesday. Guess I was just being paranoid (as usual)…
Saturday 5 May
Went into town with Hannah today. We went to Starbucks to see Matty (and get a free muffin with our coffee). Matty came and sat with us for ten minutes while she took her break, and all the time she was sitting there, I kept wishing she’d go away again and leave me and Hannah alone, which was a bit mean of me considering she’d sneaked us each a Double-Choc Delight.
Eventually she went back to serving customers and I had Hannah all to myself again. She really is as fit as a butcher’s dog (Hannah, not Matty). I was watching her closely while she was talking to me, taking in every inch of her lovely face, and had to keep looking away ’cos I was sure she’d be able to read my mind, which was saying ‘Fuck me, you are FIT!!!’ over and over again, VERY loudly.
Oh bugger! What am I going to dooooooooooo?
Sunday 6 May
HRBH’s diet came to a shuddering halt today when for her lunch she had:
Roast beef
4 roast potatoes
2 Yorkshire puddings
Carrots in butter
Cabbage in butter
Peas in butter
Thick gravy.
Not content with that, she had two helpings of Mum’s trifle for afters.
I hope she feels thoroughly ashamed of herself!
Hannah wasn’t around on MSN tonight. Was a bit disappointed.
Monday 7 May
It was a bank holiday today, so we did what everyone else does on a bank holiday: we made the stupid decision to go out for the day, got stuck in traffic, couldn’t get in anywhere to eat at lunchtime, so ended up buying sandwiches from Subway. Mum and Dad had an argument in the car coming home, and then we got stuck in more traffic trying to get back into town. Oh, and it rained as well.
I’ll be glad to go back to school tomorrow. Missed talking to Hannah today.
Tuesday 8 May
Hannah asked me if I wanted to go over to hers tonight, but my sodding mother said I couldn’t ’cos I had homework to do. She’s such a bloody fascist at times.
Wednesday 9 May
Was busy chewing on my pen and looking out the window during our Psychology class this afternoon, trying to figure out the meaning of life and crap like that, and saw Hannah out playing netball on the courts just under my window. She had this damned sexy PE skirt on and legs to die for! Found myself thinking about those legs being wrapped round me, but my naughty thoughts were cruelly interrupted by Mr. Jones asking me a question about Freud, the answer to which, dear diary, I hadn’t a flipping clue!
Thursday 10 May
Hannah asked me at break today if I wanted to go to the cinema with her tonight but I know Mum has strong views on me going out late during the week so I had to tell her no. It’s so unfair! My parents are such disciplinarians at times! I bet Hannah’s parents let her do anything—after all, they let her be a Goth—sorry, EMO—so they’re sure as hell going to let her go to the cinema on a school night, aren’t they?
Friday 11 May
We learned details of the coursework we need to do for our exams next year. Now I’m scared. I’ve put off thinking about the dreaded exams, but when you’ve got details in black and white in front of you, the cold realisation that they’re actually going to happen slaps you in the face like a wet haddock.
We were given deadlines and how the coursework’s got to be laid out—stuff like that. I was complaining about it to Dad when I got home, but then he went off and started banging on about how ‘teenagers today’ don’t how know lucky they are, because at least we have the Internet and computers and stuff to help us. He said, ‘in my day’—I hate it when he says that ’cos I know a lecture’s coming up—‘In my day, we had pen, paper, and book and we did all right. Everything had to be handwritten, not typed. We went to libraries and researched things from books. Are you familiar with books, Clem?’ I smiled and laughed sarcastically, ’cos that’s the only way to treat him when he’s in one of his sanctimonious moods.
He has NO idea of the stresses we’re under. Fair enough, we’ve got computers and all that now, but do you think he has ANY idea how numb my arse gets sitting in front of a screen hour after hour?
Saturday 12 May
Great Aunt May is coming to stay next week for four days!!!! It’s not that I don’t like Great Aunt May, it’s just that she scares me a bit. She talks about ‘the old days’ all the time, and says phrases like ‘when I was a lass,’ a lot; she also hasn’t yet grasped the fact that Britain went decimal in 1971 and presses pound coins into mine and HRBH’s hands telling us ‘here’s a few bob to get yourself some sweeties,’ which is very nice of her but:
She also smells a bit; there’s a dreadful pong of mothballs and dust whenever she walks past, which is pretty off-putting!
I sent Hannah a text tonight and told her my great aunt was coming to stay and I put a load of !!!s next to it. I told Hannah that Great Aunt May smelt of mothballs too, and she thought it was really funny.
Went to bed thinking about her again (Hannah, not Great Aunt May, of course!) and kinda pictured her in her bed, reading my text and laughing at what I’d written. Felt dead happy.
Sunday 13 May
I heard something which sounded like a cat being strangled in the bathroom this morning, but it was Mum standing on the weighing scales and realising she’d put on eight pounds. This is what happens when you eat like a woman possessed, convinced that you’ll burn it all off, but then continue to eat like a woman possessed, and sit on your bum all evening rather than make the effort to burn it off.
So now she’s decided to go on a diet as well. She took herself off to the supermarket tonight and came home armed with such delights as celery, cottage cheese, and crisp breads. Dad looked horrified until Mum waved a pie under his nose and told him not to be so melodramatic. I sneaked a piece of celery out to Uncle Buck, but even he looked at it like he wished it were a pie too.
Monday 14 May
Played tennis in PE today, which would have been good if I could have actually hit the sodding ball back once in a while. Now my back aches from picking the ball up at the back of the court every two seconds while Pippa Goldsmith fired down forehand after forehand at me like I was some bloody moving target, existing purely for her personal pleasure. Bloody Pippa Goldsmith! Now
there’s
someone who should never wear a tennis dress.
Tuesday 15 May
Today that Lord Whatever-He-Was-Called bloke came and opened our new Art block. There was this sort of buzz of excitement round the school, even though most of us didn’t have a clue why he was considered important. He turned up at the school in this huge ostentatious Mercedes, made a small speech, snipped a bit of ribbon, posed for some pictures, did a piece to the local evening news, then went again!
Me and Hannah managed to stand next to each other while he was doing his speech and I got a fit of the giggles when Hannah said she thought he was wearing a wig, then started looking closely at him to try and find the join on it. Mrs. Schofield glared at us both, but I didn’t give a shit. I was just happy to have the chance to be with Hannah for five minutes!
Miss Michaels, the art teacher, was obviously bowled over by this Lord bloke’s presence, because, when she was presented to him by Mrs. Russell, the Head, she did this funny little curtsey like he was a proper member of royalty or something. When she was talking to him she kept fingering the hem of her cardigan with excitement and laughing a squeaky little laugh at all his jokes. A strange day all round, really.
Wednesday 16 May
Great Aunt May was at home when I got in from school. She was sitting in the garden with a newspaper
on her head. She looks a lot older than the last time I saw her. Mum nudged me towards her and told me to give her a kiss, which she reciprocated with a wet kiss of her own, stabbing my cheek with her whiskers, and told Mum what a pretty daughter she had. Can’t argue with that!
We had a strange tea tonight. We had fish with mashed potatoes,
and
mashed carrots, which I can only assume was because Great Aunt May could eat it okay with her few remaining teeth. HRBH muttered something about ‘baby food’ and earned an old-fashioned look from Dad.
Thursday 17 May
Great Aunt May was already up when I went to school today. She spotted me in my well-cool short school skirt and tutted loudly, saying to Mum, ‘you’re not letting her go to school in that are you, Margaret? In my day we had to wear our skirts down to our ankles or we’d get the cane.’
I looked at her and thought ‘in your day, love, you probably rode to school on a penny farthing’, but I kept shtum. I glanced at her wrinkled tights (at least I think she was wearing tights) and thanked the Lord for under-the-knee skirts; then I glanced down at my fine pair of teenage pins and thanked the Lord (again) for above-the-knee skirts, ha ha ha ha!!!
When I got to school I told Hannah what Great Aunt May had said about my short skirt and she said something really weird. She looked at me kinda strangely and said, ‘Well I’ve got no complaints about it,’ and it made me feel all funny inside. But then I felt dead self-conscious about my skirt for the rest of the day and kept pulling on it to make it look a bit longer.
Friday 18 May
Great Aunt May coughed then farted really loudly at the dinner table tonight!!!!!!! I swear it skidded off the chair and made Barbara’s ears flutter! I thought HRBH was going to
die
laughing!!!!! I couldn’t look her in the eye and nearly choked on my tea when Great Aunt May mumbled something about ‘tablets giving me wind’. It was soooooooo embarrassing! Mum gave us both one of those looks that said, ‘don’t you
dare
laugh’.
Thank goodness she’s going back to the home tomorrow (Great Aunt May, not Mum, obviously).
Saturday 19 May
Went with Mum and Dad after lunch to return Great Aunt May back to the Autumn Leaves Elderly Persons’ Home. Felt a bit depressed seeing all these old dears sitting in chairs staring into space, apparently oblivious to everything around them. Made a decision to keep as active as possible for as long as possible so that I never end up in a home. Also made a decision to keep my brain sharp, so asked Dad to stop by the newsagent on the way home so I could buy a Sudoku book, even though I don’t understand Sudoku.
While Dad was in the newsagents’, I texted Hannah and told her about what Great Aunt May did at the table last night and she thought it was dead funny. I sat in the back of the car reading and rereading her text while Mum blathered on to me about nothing. I just like to look at Hannah’s name ’cos it makes me feel good inside. I like to imagine her thinking about what she’s gonna write to me, then I like to think about her actually writing it and sending it.
I also like to think she sits waiting for me to text her back, like I sit waiting for her to text me back, but I kinda think she probably doesn’t.
Sunday 20 May
Went shopping with Mum and Dad for a sofa today. We went to one of those big out-of-town retail parks that always seem to have an ice cream van idling in the car park, no matter what the weather.
Mum is dithering over colours; she can’t decide over cappuccino or oatmeal. Dad asked why we couldn’t just have a brown sofa but Mum ignored him and wandered off among the two-seaters before an overeager salesman cornered her by the pouffes and started talking finance plans.
Monday 21 May
Got home from school to find Mum had spread out some colour charts the salesman gave her yesterday on the coffee table. She said she’s gone off oatmeal and was now veering towards café crème but was worried it was too similar to cappuccino, and would I take a look? I dumped my school bag down and peered at the colours but couldn’t tell what colour was what. I have to say I agree with Dad—why can’t we just have plain brown? Mum did that funny clicking noise with her mouth that adults do and said, ‘Just like your father, no imagination,’ then gathered up the colour charts and went off in search of HRBH.