Authors: KE Payne
Hadn’t really seen much of Hannah at school today so I felt a bit down tonight. Decided to log on to MSN on the off chance she might be there, and she was! We had, like, a really nice hour’s chat just before bedtime, and by the time I’d logged off, I was much happier.
Went to bed thinking about her again. Sigh.
Tuesday 22 May
Walked to school with Alice today. She seemed in a bit of a bad mood, ’cos she kept saying she hasn’t seen much of me lately and asked if I’d been busy, ’cos I haven’t walked to school with her very much like we used to (well, certainly since the novelty of her dad taking us in his ridiculous 4x4 has worn off). She also said I don’t text her much these days, and that when she texts me I either don’t reply or I’m dead late in replying.
I didn’t say much ’cos I was a bit annoyed with her, I suppose. I mean, FFS, it’s like having a boyfriend nagging me about not being attentive enough. Not that I’d know, never having had a boyfriend before (Ben SO doesn’t count), but it seems like that kinda thing. It’s true, I guess, that I’ve not been as good a friend to her as I could be, but what am I supposed to do? My head’s that full of Hannah that I don’t have time to think about anything else!!! I just wish Alice’d give me a break.
Wednesday 23 May
Realised I hadn’t even looked at the Sudoku book I bought on Saturday so had a quick flick through it while Mum was ensconced in front of the TV, but didn’t have a flipping clue what I was supposed to do so promptly put it back down and read the first few pages of Harry Potter instead. Figured Harry Potter was slightly more intellectually demanding than Dr. Seuss,
so didn’t feel too bad about it, but made a mental note to have another crack at the old Sudoku one night when I’m not feeling so tired.
Thursday 24 May
Mum is very disappointed that she’s only lost a pound since her diet started. I pointed out to her that she’s been on her diet for less than a fortnight, but she looked at me sadly and said, ‘But I’ve barely eaten a thing!’ and looked longingly at a slice of white bread that was mocking her from the sideboard. This is true. When she’s not looking sadly at things she knows she can’t eat, her stomach is making noises like an old washing machine going round. I heard her telling Dad the other night that ‘Inside me is a thin woman waiting to get out, Chris’, and I had half a mind to tell her to give it a Mars Bar
while it was waiting, ’cos it sounded bloody hungry.
Friday 25 May
Chatted to Hannah on MSN for most of this evening. She asked me if I wanted to go over tomorrow so of course I said yes. The weather’s supposed to be great, so we’re going to pack up a picnic and head off down to the reservoir. I might take my Sudoku book with me and ask her if she knows how to do it.
Oh, and the sofa saga rumbles on! Honestly, you’d never think it could cause so much such anxiety. When I’ve left home and got a place of my own, I’ll be too busy having a life to worry about whether I should plump for Burnt Sienna or whether Sepia will clash with my rugs!
Saturday 26 May
Ohmigod, so much happened today, I don’t think I have enough space to write it all!!! My hands are still shaking!!!
Went over to Hannah’s house this morning, made up the picnic, and headed off for a walk down by the canal. It was, like, mega hot so we stopped under the trees, spread out our rug, and flopped down next to the water to watch the ducks paddling along and waggling their bottoms at us.
We ate our picnic and, as she passed stuff to me, our hands kept touching. I felt really embarrassed ’cos of it. She seemed…I dunno,
different
…and there were some awkward silences which made me feel even more uncomfortable, ’cos me and Hannah have never had any awkward silences, like,
ever.
We were sharing a bottle of Coke and I was watching her drinking from it and getting real hot. Hot, not like from the sun, but y’know—HOT!
Then we lay back on the rug with the sun was warming us through the trees, making us sleepy and happy. We just lay there chatting away and saying funnies and laughing and kidding with each other about stuff at school. We were talking about Mrs. Russell and her unfeasibly large bosoms and I was saying about what small feet she had, and that was probably ’cos they couldn’t grow in the shade and then we were rolling around laughing and stuff, and we started pissing about with each other, trying to make each other roll off the rug.
And then…she kissed me!
It was AMAZING! I pulled the rug hard, and it made her roll over towards me, so that she was pressed up against me. She was still giggling a bit, but instead of moving away from me, she propped herself up on her elbow, and started stroking my hair, and then she kissed me! A bit hesitantly at first, but when she realised I was kissing her back, she carried on!!!
When she eventually pulled away and looked down at me, still propped up on one elbow, she just grinned and said, ‘wow!’ in a quiet voice. I said, ‘wow indeed!’ I reached up, put my arm round her and kissed her again, pleased at how enthusiastically she kissed me back. She stayed propped up, looking down at me, and I didn’t know what to say to her, lying half underneath her, under a tree, down by the reservoir!
She grinned again, said, ‘That felt good,’ and flopped back down beside me. I asked, ‘Did you mean to do that, or did it just happen?’ and she said breezily, ‘I’ve wanted to do that for ages,’ leaning over to pick a piece of dry grass from my forehead. Then she started telling me that she’d fancied me from the first day she’d clapped eyes on me, and that she’d been trying to muster up the guts to ask me out, but was worried that I ‘wasn’t like that’, and that’s why she’d been quizzing me on boys and stuff, trying to figure out whether I was gay or straight.
Then she sat up and looked back down at me and asked me if I ‘liked’ her. What could I say? I told her that recently I’d been having strong feelings for her, and that I’d been thinking about her, like, a LOT. I wanted to tell her about J, but figured this was neither the time nor the place to be talking about J. Then she asked me if I wanted to go out with her, so I laughed and said, ‘Like on a date?’ and she said, ‘Yeah, like a date. I want to go out with you, Clem.’
OMFG!!!
So I said, ‘I’d love to go out with you,’ and grinned at her. She said, ‘Oh, thank God,’ and puffed out her cheeks in relief (sooooo cute!).
So we’re going out on a date! I, Clementine Atkins, am going on a DATE WITH HANNAH!
What a bolt from the blue!!
We’re going to meet up tomorrow afternoon, and we’re going for a pizza in town. I’m crapping myself already!!
I’ve just spent the whole evening in a daze, wondering if today really happened.
Thank God I forgot to take my Sudoku book with me!
Sunday 27 May
Hannah texted me late last night to say good night, and she put three xxx’s after her message, which she’s never done before. I liked that. A lot!
I spent the whole day in a panic, wondering if I was doing the right thing, whether it was wrong to be going out with a girl, and whether it was even more wrong to be soooooo looking forward to it! But then I figured I was so darned over the moon about everything, what was the point of spoiling such a lovely feeling by panicking?
Besides, how can something that makes you this ridiculously happy be wrong??
Anyway, I’m writing this up now (11 a.m.) so that I can hide you again, dear diary. Will tell you all tomorrow!
Monday 28 May
It’s official. I’m going out with Hannah, and I’m the happiest girl in the world! We met up outside Pizza Hut at 1 p.m. yesterday. Hannah was already waiting for me, looking absolutely gorgeous.
We had a brilliant day. Hannah insisted on paying for everything, even though I wanted to pay for all my stuff. She said, ‘You can pay next time,’ and winked. I got butterflies.
It was like we’d never really spoken before, like everything we’d done and talked about in the past had never happened. I was seeing Hannah with new eyes, and I felt so damned happy just being with her there, in Pizza Hut, amongst all the students and little kids and stuffed crusts. There was an extra
frisson
to everything, knowing now what we both know, knowing that we both fancy each other and that we both know that we fancy each other! It felt a bit strange at first, but so completely natural after a while.
She also told me that she’d been dropping hints for ages that she liked me, but I hadn’t cottoned on. She said, ‘Haven’t you ever noticed me looking at you at school?’ and I felt a bit of a twit, ’cos I’d thought she was trying to suss me out when she did that. She told me she’d sent me a couple of anonymous e-mails, because it was the only way she’d felt able to let me know how she was feeling, but I hadn’t replied. So Hannah was Loopy Lurve Puppy!!!
I had to go home at 8 p.m., ’cos that’s the time I’d arranged for Dad to pick me up. Hannah rang her mum and arranged to meet her at the same place that Dad was meeting me, so we walked down through town together. She held my hand as we walked; she’s held my hand loads of times before in school, walking down the corridor with the others, but it had never felt like it did when she held it last night. It was like there was this, I dunno, electricity running between us all of a sudden.
When we got to our meeting place, Dad was already there. Hannah said quietly, ‘I s’pose I can’t really kiss you, can I, with your dad sitting there?’ and I giggled. Then her mum turned up, so I said, ‘text you later,’ gave her a quick hug, got into Dad’s car, and watched as she got into her mum’s car.
I’d felt so much older, so much more mature when I’d been out with her, like a proper grown-up on a date, but the minute I walked into the lounge at home, and saw Mum and HRBH sitting there, asking me if I’d had a nice day, I suddenly felt very young again, and it was like the day had never happened. I felt really deflated, and wondered how I was ever going to keep up this pretence!!
When I went to bed, I texted Hannah straight away to make sure she’d got home okay. She asked me if I’d had a good time. I said, ‘the best time ever,’ and she sent me a message full of grinning smilies back. So, that’s it. That’s official. We’re dating, and it feels great!!!
Tuesday 29 May
Hannah texted me late last night to ask me if I still wanted to go out with her. Of course I do! She’s the funniest, funkiest, most intelligent, and darned nicest person I think I’ve ever met. I texted her back and told her all this, and two minutes later she rang me, saying she wanted to hear my voice. I sat in bed, in the darkness of my room while we whispered things to each other. It was soooooooo romantic!
Then today at school we met up at break and had a hot chocolate together. I met her by the drinks machine and felt my tummy lurch with butterflies when I saw her again. I said ‘hiya’ and she said ‘hiya’ back, and it felt a bit awkward to start with, which was daft ’cos in the three months that I’ve known her, I’ve never felt particularly awkward in her company, so why would I now? We leant against the drinks machine, just looking and smiling at each other for a bit, then she looked round to make sure no one was around and quickly touched my hand, briefly linking her fingers in mine. All awkwardness instantly disappeared!
Hannah is my girlfriend. I have a girlfriend. I’m Hannah’s girlfriend. Me, I’m her girlfriend. I still can’t quite believe it!
Holy shit! [/giddy-as-a-kipper/].
Wednesday 30 May
Spent most of today wondering how all this happened. How marvellous that she fancies me! I don’t think I’ve ever been fancied before! Ben never fancied me, I’m sure of it! She says I’m cute—no one’s ever said that before either!
Soooooooo wanted to see Hannah again today but barely saw her all day, for one reason or another. She texted me mid-afternoon to say she was thinking about me, and that she was doing a good job of pretending to act normal, when inside she was churned up with butterflies over me. Wow!
Thursday 31 May
Hannah asked me today when I first realised I was gay, and I told her I’d thought I was bent for a while, but wasn’t sure. She told me she’d known since she was about eleven and first started having feelings for girls in her class. I have to say I wasn’t entirely comfortable talking about gayness, but she seemed really okay about it, really casual. That was a bit strange!
Was too wrapped up in loopy love-bunnyness to be bothered with cross-country running this afternoon (how can I concentrate on running across muddy fields when my head is so full of Han?) so I did that thing that Barbara does when she doesn’t want to go out for a walk, and pretended that I’d hurt my leg so I was excused.