Authors: KE Payne
So Hannah walked me home, which was really sweet of her. As we were walking back, I
so
wanted to tell her what was wrong with me, tell her all about J and how I feel about J and how confused I am about everything, but I just couldn’t. How would anyone possibly understand what I’m going through?
Anyway, Hannah walked me right to my house; when Dad answered the door he looked a bit worried, but I just told him I was feeling ill and wanted to go to bed. He drove Hannah home, which was nice of him, while I crawled off up to my room, crept into my bed, and pulled the duvet over my head, waiting for sleep to take me.
Sunday 11 March
Cried myself to sleep last night, so woke up with eyes looking like two holes in a blanket. Alice texted me first thing to ask if I was okay, then other people texted me throughout the day asking the same thing. My answer was the same to all of them—I’m fine, ta. But I’m far from fine.
I’ve fancied J for aaaages, and last night’s episode has pretty much confirmed that I’m madly in love with her now, and that’s hit me almost as hard as the realisation that I must be gay. I don’t know why it should have come as such a surprise to me when I consider everything that’s happened to me over the last six months or so, though! It all makes sense—why I wasn’t bothered about going out with Ben, why I wasn’t bothered that he dumped me, and why I’m not bothered in the slightest that he’s going out with Matty. I suppose I only went out with him because it was
expected
of me, like I just felt like I
ought
to show willing and at least
try
to have a relationship with a boy, even though I didn’t want to.
Maybe I was in denial about everything, I dunno, but even I can see clearly that I’m gay. I’ve got no interest in boys at all—Ben or anyone else—and I spend every waking hour thinking about J. I mean, why would I deliberately go out of my way each day at school to try and see her, why would my heart beat faster every time I do see her, and why would I get so upset seeing her with someone else if I wasn’t just a little bit gay?
You can’t
not
be gay and fancy girls, can you? So, that’s it. It’s official. I’m a lesbian. Everything should be so much clearer, but it’s not. I mean, I do feel a, I dunno, a wave of relief that I’ve admitted it to MYSELF, but I’m shit scared about what’ll happen now. Okay, so I know nothing will happen
immediately
, it’s not like I’ll wake up tomorrow and find a badge pinned to my pj’s saying ‘welcome to the club’ or anything, but what I mean is
something
has to happen next, right? I mean, ’cos, like, it’s obvious to me that I’m gay, so does that mean it’ll be obvious to other people?
I suppose at some point I’ll have to tell Mum and Dad, and my friends of course, but how’s everyone gonna react? Will they expect me to shave my head and start wearing dungarees? OMG, what if I suddenly start dancing like Ellen DeGeneres at inappropriate moments???
And what about Mum and Dad? What’ll they say?? Are they gonna accept it??? Will they kick me out of the house? Maybe they don’t want a gay daughter. Maybe they want an ordinary daughter. What’s ordinary, anyway?
Oh God, this is just too confusing for words.
Monday 12 March
Couldn’t sleep last night for worrying about stuff. I’m relieved that I’ve finally figured out what’s going on with me, but then I lay awake half the night thinking about having to tell people. Just when it felt like my head would explode, though, I came to the conclusion that I don’t
have
to tell anyone until I’m ready to. I mean, I’m happy that I’ve admitted it to myself, but think I want to let it sink in a bit before I start telling people. I felt a bit better once I’d decided that, at least.
I did, however, avoid J like the plague all day ’cos I felt embarrassed about Saturday (although she probably didn’t even notice I’d gone, so busy was she chewing the revolting Garrrrrrreth’s face off). Was glad to get together with Hannah to do some work on our project (only two weeks to go—aaargh!) ’cos it took my mind off things, off thinking about J, off thinking about the fact I’m bent, and off thinking about what’s gonna happen to me.
Hannah gave me her mobile number and asked for mine, ’cos she said she’d wanted to text me yesterday to see how I was (after Saturday’s display), but she hadn’t had my number. She also gave me her Hotmail address so that we can e-mail each other from home with ideas for the project. Her e-mail address was funky_munky something or other, which makes me laugh. Mine’s just got plain old Clem.Atkins in it, which is hardly imaginative.
Texted Hannah when I got home, just to say ‘hi’. My message said ‘hiya, funky munky—how are you?’ and she replied ‘All the better 4 hearing from u. Been w8ing all day 4u 2 txt me!’ She needs to get out more! Noted that she used text-speak but very pleased to see that it is at least decipherable! I suppose it’s too much to ask your average seventeen-year-old to write everything out in full. I’m the exception to the rule in texty-speak land, but then I’m odd, I suppose!
OMG maybe that’s another sign of my gayness??
Tuesday 13 March
Another text from Hannah—sent at 7:30 a.m.!!!!!!! She asked me if I wanted to get together again today to do more work on the Cold War project, so we met up and had lunch. As we ate, she asked me what Clemmie was short for, so I told her it was short for Clementine. She cocked her head and said, ‘what, like the orange?’ and winked at me. Her wink made me feel a bit funny inside, but maybe it was gas from the apple I’d just eaten. I think I blushed a bit. She said Clemmie was a nice name, and I smiled. Then she said it sounded a bit like ‘phlegmy,’ and I wasn’t sure if she was taking the piss or not. But, really liked hanging out with her for the day, anyway.
The project is going really well, though! It’s going to get an A*, I’m sure of it. I keep calling that Russian fellow Kalashnikov, rather than Khrushchev, but apart from that, it’s pretty darned perfect.
Wednesday 14 March
I caught Hannah staring at me during break this morning!! OMG, what if she’s sussed that I’m gay? She had this look of…I dunno…
knowing
,
and I’m sure she’s guessed my secret. Am I being paranoid? Is it because I’ve admitted to myself that I’m gay, I think everyone else knows too? Maybe it’s obvious? I dunno. I mean, I’m cool about it now, but there are times when I still try to get my head around the fact that I am a bona fide gay person, and I sure as hell know I’m not ready for anyone else to know about it.
I’m being ridiculous. I know I’m not very feminine, but I’m not exactly butch, either. I know I don’t dress like other girls my age, and I’m not into makeup and pink, fluffy things and stuff, but it’s not as if I’m shouting my gayness from the rooftops. I don’t wear ‘sensible’ shoes and I don’t walk with my hands in my pockets (well, not
all
the time, and I don’t even know if either of those indicate gayness in the first place). Granted, I don’t wear skirts—only to school, and that’s only ’cos I go to some la-di-da high school that insists we wear them—but it’s not as if I’ve got ‘poof’ written across my forehead. I go out of my way to make sure I never arouse anyone’s suspicion, so how could she possibly know?
Had lunch with Alice today. Felt a bit of a cow, ’cos I’ve been spending so much time with Hannah doing this project, that I feel I’ve neglected Alice a bit. I noticed that she’s lost loads of weight; I think I’ve seen more meat under a butcher’s fingernails. She didn’t eat much at lunchtime either…I hope she’s not got this dyslexia malarkey.
Thursday 15 March
Dad told me tonight that he’s booked our summer holiday! We’re going to France!! Wahay!! And there was me thinking we’d be going to boring old Cornwall again! We’re going to Brittany in August, to a campsite, but we’re staying in a caravan, not camping, thank God. I’ve never seen the attraction of camping: a flimsy bit of material over your head, hard ground to sleep on, and only a bush to pee behind. It’s not exactly my idea of a break! Anyway, HRBH has already said she doesn’t want to come ’cos she feels that, at nearly twenty, she’s too old and sophisticated to be coming on holiday with her ancient mum and dad and younger sister. She’s so sad! Dad says I can ask Alice if she wants to come with us instead. I’ll ask her in school tomorrow rather than texting her tonight ’cos I’ve only got 50p left on my phone and I want to text Hannah later.
Friday 16 March
School: boring as usual. Asked Alice if she wanted to come to France with us in the summer and she said she’d ask her parents tonight. She seemed pretty excited, though.
Logged on when I got home, and went onto MSN to see who was around. I noticed Hannah had added me as a contact, so I accepted and, two seconds later, my box was flashing with a message from her. It said ‘hiya’, so I said, ‘hiya’ back. Three hours later, when I was summoned for my tea, we’d talked about just about
everything
from
The X Factor
to the size of men’s dicks!!! (Yeah, right—as if I know anything about that!!) She’s very funny, and I found myself laughing out loud at the things she was writing. Alice came online and, I’m ashamed to say, I blocked her ’cos I didn’t want to have to talk to her at the same time.
So I can’t multi-task! Sue me! [/sarcasm/].
Saturday 17 March
Spent most of today catching up with homework and cleaning out Uncle Buck’s hutch. Ems texted me and asked me if I wanted to meet her and Caroline outside Burger King later, but I made up an excuse and said I couldn’t. I wanted to chat with Hannah on MSN ’cos she said she’d be around later this evening. Logged on around 8 p.m. but was disappointed that she wasn’t there.
Watched TV with Mum and Dad, but didn’t really do anything else this evening.
Oh, and Alice can come to France with us, which is cool.
Sunday 18 March
Switched my phone on first thing and had a text from Hannah saying she was sorry she’d missed me on MSN last night. Wanted to text her back and tell her I was really disappointed she hadn’t been there but for some reason I didn’t feel like I could.
It was Mother’s Day, so took Mum down to the pub for lunch. I also gave her a card and a bunch of flowers that Dad had hastily bought from the petrol station last night. I thought I saw the tiniest hint of a tear in her eye when I gave them to her, but maybe the flowers had given her hay fever. Mum doesn’t do tears.
Took Barbara out for a long walk in the woods this afternoon, to work off the lasagne
and
banoffee pie I’d eaten at the pub. I suddenly realised while I was out walking that I’d not thought about J for about three days now. Could this be it? Could I finally be getting over her? I think avoiding her at school has
really
helped. Maybe soon I won’t think about her at all.
Monday 19 March
Only two weeks till we break up for Easter! I can’t wait! I’m so sick of school it’s unreal. We’ve only got one week left to get this bloody History presentation ready, so spent yet another lunch break making up PowerPoint slides and finding out information on the computers. I’d asked my parents if they knew anything about it; I figured they had to be around when it happened, ’cos they’re both so old (43 and 42), so I assumed they’d know at least something. My dad said, considering he was only born in 1964, he’d missed it by two years so, no, he didn’t have any newspaper cuttings from it. He’s useless!
Tuesday 20 March
Got told in assembly this morning that some local dignitary will be coming to the school in May to officially open our new Art block. He’s a Lord Someone-or-Other and is some distant relative of the Queen apparently. Mrs. Russell got very excited when she was talking about him. She has this rather annoying habit of letting her voice get shriller and shriller when she’s whipped up, until she’s practically squawking like a horny parrot! Apparently it’s seen as quite a coup for our school, and the local TV and press will be here. We’ve all been told to look tidy and be on our best behaviour. I glanced across at Matty and saw a glint in her eye, which means she’ll probably turn up with her hair dyed pink or something!!
Wednesday 21 March
Hannah asked me today if I wanted to go round to her house to get on with some more work on the presentation, but I told her I couldn’t ’cos I had, like, a million lots of homework to get done. She seemed a bit disappointed, but I know that if my parents find out I’ve not been doing all my other work, they’ll give me earache about it for the next fortnight. I told Hannah I could probably come over tomorrow or Friday and she seemed to cheer up a bit. I got home tonight and did my French, Science, and RE homework in exactly one hour and six minutes.
Ems told me today that Carrie told her that J and Garrrrrrreth have had a falling-out, and she’s thinking about dumping him. Good! She’s too good for that prat!