Authors: KE Payne
Marcie said she also fancied Ben but that she wouldn’t go after him ’cos she knew that we were an item now (huh?!). I smiled, picked at a loose thread on my jumper, and said nothing more on the matter, which I think they all took to be coyness ’cos then they all started saying stupid stuff like ‘Clem and Ben sitting in a tree’ and all that.
I really hate it when we have these conversations ’cos I have nothing to say, and have to make stuff up ’cos I don’t want them to guess. So I agree with what they all say, telling them I like this actor or that actor and, I dunno, it just feels like some sort of act I have to put on—almost a betrayal. I can’t explain it.
Friday 26 January
What a day!! I was walking down the corridor, on my way to double French (ugh!) when I bumped into……J!! We tried to pass each other, but you know how it is when you go one way, and the person trying to get past you goes that way too? Then you try to go the other way and the person also goes that way? J said, ‘shall we dance?’ and I just giggled. God how I wish I’d had the courage to actually
talk
to her but I was late enough for French as it was, so I just laughed (rather too loudly probably) and scurried off down the corridor like some frumpy housewife bustling off to the shops.
But!! It got better!! I saw her again later in the day and she said to me ‘will you dance with me now?’ and I said (off the top of me head, like), ‘I’ll show you my foxtrot if you show me yours,’ and she laughed!!!!!!!!! I must have gone red ’cos she said, ‘you’re blushing—how cute’ (!!!!!!!!!) Then Ems turned up so I had to look all nonchalant-like, in case she guessed. I walked down the corridor with Ems, but turned and looked back behind me, only to see J still standing there! When she saw me looking she smiled!!!!!!!!! Am on cloud nine!!!
When I got home I went straight up to my room to think about what had happened today. Why do I get this feeling in my tummy when I see her? It’s like a thousand butterflies and I like it. I really like her and I want to get to know her more.
Why does it have to be Friday?? I’m going to have to wait a whole two days till I see her again.
Saturday 27 January
Went to bed thinking about J and woke up thinking about her! Aaaaargh! What is going on with me? Do I fancy her or what? I just dunno. I’ve never fancied anyone before, so I don’t know how it’s supposed to feel! I used to like Peter Scott when I was in junior school but I don’t think I fancied him; I think I just liked him ’cos I thought he had funky hair and we both liked bananas. So I don’t know what it is I’m feeling. Soooooooo confusing!
One thing’s for sure—I don’t feel like this about Ben! We went on our second date tonight and he got right on my twit. I wanted to come home after ten minutes, but didn’t want to be obvious so sat with him in the park in the freezing cold while he drank a can of cheap beer which he kept offering me, and which I kept politely refusing. He had his arm round me and it felt alien; I wanted to tell him where to put his arm (not round my bloody shoulder!) but instead just sat there like an idiot, wishing I was at home watching TV with Mum and Dad.
At least he talked a bit more tonight. He told me about his family and how he played football for his dad’s pub team on a Sunday and other stuff about school and things. I tried to sound interested but the truth was I was so bloody cold that all I could think about was going home.
We kissed again and it was slightly better than last time but I can’t honestly say I particularly enjoyed it. It was a bit too wet for my liking; all I could taste was stale beer, and the little bit of bum-fluff that’s struggling to grow on his face scratched at my cheek. I remember thinking that I should be feeling…I dunno…
something.
But I felt nothing. Not even a glimmer. Maybe I’m frigid??
Sunday 28 January
Dad asked us at lunchtime today where we’d like to go for our summer holiday this year. I said Paris (Gemma Davies went to Disneyland Paris last year and said it was sooooo cool), HRBH said Italy ’cos she wanted to practise her Italian (saddo) and Mum said Cornwall (!!!!!!!!) Err hello?? France v. Cornwall? No contest! Dad said he’d take our views into consideration and get some brochures, which basically means we’ll end up going to Cornwall ’cos:
a. That’s what Mum wants (he’s sooooooo under her thumb!!!)
b. It’s cheaper.
So looks like we’re off to the land of the pixies in August. Hoo-bloody-rah.
Monday 29 January
We have a new Science teacher—I think he’s a trainee. His name’s Mr. Troutt (!!!!!!!!!) He looked very nervous today; he wears this cheap-looking signet ring on his middle finger and he kept fiddling with it, turning it round and round in an agitated manner. I also noticed he had a sweaty top lip. He kept forgetting our names and got very twitchy. The more agitated he got, the sweatier his top lip became, and the more he twiddled with his signet ring. I can’t see him staying long.
Tuesday 30 January
Hannah has joined our little ‘gang’. She does Philosophy with Ems and they’ve become friends, so now Hannah’s our friend too.
Apparently Hannah’s an atheist. Ems says she gives Miss Valentine, the Philosophy teacher,
such
a hard time in class, questioning everything. Miss Valentine’s a bit fed up with her, so Ems says. I like the idea of someone questioning everything in class. I think Hannah sounds cool!
We asked her about being a Goth. She said she wasn’t a Goth, but something called an EMO: we asked her what the difference was, and she said EMOs were more emotional than Goths. Apparently, even though EMOs are a kind of Goth, and they’re all obsessed with death and everything, they are actually allowed to smile occasionally (or so Hannah reckons anyway).
I know
nothing
about this!! I live such a bloody sheltered life! Why does my dad have to be an accountant? This is his fault!
Wednesday 31 January
Met up with Ben in town after school. It was okay. Ben said we ought to vary our eating experiences, so we went to Burger King this time, rather than McD’s. I didn’t really want to go out with him, but kinda felt like I ought to so I did. I think I was really off with him though—it was almost as if I couldn’t be bothered making the effort and I think it showed. Why am I such a cow?
Anyway, Ben walked me down to the fountain again to meet Dad and we kissed again. It didn’t feel any better, or any easier, and I was aware that I was standing there, stiff as a board, hating every second of it. I looked down and saw he had a bit of lettuce on his trainer, and suddenly realised that I really didn’t want to go out with him ever again.
Thursday 1 February
I lay in bed last night for ages just wondering why I felt so miserable. I was thinking about Ben and wondering why I feel so depressed when I think about going out with him. He seems nice enough, I suppose, but there’s nothing there—with me, I mean. I feel…nothing. Not a flicker of interest. Nothing. Nichts. Nada. I have no interest in him, with him, or anything about him, and it worries me that I feel like this.
Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me—with boys—with me with boys—with boys with me ’cos I just don’t get it! I don’t
dislike
boys, but they don’t do anything for me, and I would have thought considering I’m nearly seventeen, they
would
do something for me. Maybe I’m emotionally immature as well as frigid?
Friday 2 February
Just realised today that I’ve not heard anything from Ben since he left me at the fountain on Wednesday. Cheeky sod. I bet that bit of lettuce is still on his trainer too. I was trying to picture his face in my head when I went to bed last night. I kinda thought if I spent some time actually thinking about him, then I might feel some flicker of feelings for him, or at least kick start something—ANYTHING.
I lay there thinking about him, thinking about our dates, thinking about what we’d said, whether he’d made me laugh or feel interested and I came up with precisely…nothing. In fact, every time I closed my eyes and tried to picture him, images of J kept swimming into my head and I ended up thinking about her instead.
Great! I’m trying to have something resembling a relationship with a boy and all I can think of is a flipping girl at school who barely knows I even exist!!
Saturday 3 February
What a day!! Me and Alice went into town this morning and guess who I saw?? J!!!!!
We were just coming out of the shopping centre when I saw her going into Game Zone on the corner (does this mean J is a gamer??) So I grabbed Alice by the arm and told her I wanted to look at Wii games; Alice said, ‘I didn’t know you had a Wii,’ so I made some excuse and told her I was thinking of getting one.
So I lurked behind the games and watched J. Man, she’s gorrrrrrrgeous!! I felt a bit like a Peeping Tom, but I figured she wasn’t getting undressed or anything, she was just browsing the PlayStation games, so I felt a bit better about watching her. Then she left and started walking through town, so I followed her (trying to act all nonchalant-like, in case I aroused Alice’s suspicions). I think I managed to maintain an air of normality, despite the fact my heart was beating so hard I thought the whole street would be able to hear it! I made up some lame reason to keep walking up the street when Alice asked why I was walking so fast and ignoring all the shops. I was trying to concentrate on not losing sight of J, though, so I didn’t reply.
I so wanted J to turn round and see me. I was too shy to call her name out (she probably wouldn’t even know who I was anyway), so I watched her disappear into the cake shop on the corner and felt utterly miserable.
Still, I didn’t see her with any boy so I still hold out the hope that she doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Sunday 4 February
Replayed what had happened in town over and over in my head last night, imagining how it would have been if it had been different. I imagined me being all confident-like and calling out a breezy ‘hiya’ to her; then we’d get talking, and she’d suggest we went for a coffee (I’d lose Alice somewhere along the line). We’d get on like a house on fire; she’d find me funny and pretty and intelligent; she’d look intently at me, and cock her head at a quizzical angle, and I’d sense her wondering why it was she’d never noticed me at school before. Then we’d arrange to meet up again and…and…pffffff! It just ain’t gonna happen.
Got a text off Ben but forgot to reply. Must remember to text him in the morning—too tired now!
Monday 5 February
The gang are arranging a big girls’ night out (that is, the night will be big, not the girls, ha ha!) We thought we’d meet up in town next Saturday, late afternoon, see a movie down at the Odeon, then have a meal out afterwards. All very grown-up.
Should be good. Am looking forward to it.
Tuesday 6 February
Marcie asked today if she could bring a friend from her tutor group with her on Saturday. This is turning out to be a huuuuuuuuuuuge night out!!
Still haven’t texted Ben. Why are you such a pillock, Clem?? His feelings are probably hurt, but I really can’t bring myself to give a toss.
Wednesday 7 February
The girl Marcie wants to bring is in the same class as J! I think her name’s Rosie but I’m not sure. She’s more Marcie’s friend really. Ems wanted to bring Ryan but we pointed out, it’s a girls’ only night out—I think she was a bit peeved.
Texted Ben back (at last). Couldn’t think of anything to say really, so just said, ‘Hi—how are you?’ No reply yet.
Thursday 8 February
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my fucking God!!!!!!
J has asked if she can come out with us on Saturday!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently this Rosie girl mentioned she was going out and J asked Rosie if she could come too and so Rosie asked Marcie and Marcie asked us and we all said yes!!!!!!!!!!!
Shit shit shit shit shit I’ve got nothing to wear!!! I was just going to wear my jeans and some random old top but this changes everything (J is sooooooo trendy). I need scarves! I need jewellery! I need things for my hair! Accessories, darling, accessories!
Ben asked me if I wanted to meet up on Saturday but I told him I was going out with the girls. So he asked me if I wanted to go out tomorrow instead but I said no (I have to get myself ready for Saturday). I told him I was visiting an elderly aunt tomorrow night (snigger) so I couldn’t come out. He hasn’t replied yet so hopefully I’ve put him off. Get the hint, pal!
Friday 9 February