Authors: KE Payne
Anyway, we’re going out tonight, with the gang—meeting up at seven outside McDonald’s, so I’m writing this in my diary now in case I’m too tired when I get home tonight!!
Saturday 13 January
Had a good night last night! Ems turned up with Ryan—he’s okay but he reeked of cheap aftershave and kept putting his hand on Ems’ arse all evening. That would drive me potty! I don’t know why she lets him maul her like that! Anyway, we had tea in Maccy D’s (I had a Whopper—won’t touch chicken fillets since I heard the chicken cyst/mayonnaise story) [/queasy/].
Sunday 14 January
Remembered that I hadn’t done my History homework (why does my mother never ask me if I’ve done my homework like everyone else’s mother does?? Am I expected to remember
everything
?), so I logged on to the computer to see what I could find out about Stalin. There were
loads
of websites about him!! Result!! So I did a bit of copy and pasting, jiggled the words about a bit so it didn’t look like I’d copied it, and wrote a sick essay in about 20 minutes! Well pleased with that!
Monday 15 January
The new girl started today. Her name’s Hannah something or other. She seems nice, and she’s kinda cute, if you know what I mean. Florida must have been hot, ’cos she had a cracking tan on her, but I figure one week of English January weather’ll soon whip that off her!
She’s not sitting next to me, despite me asking Mrs. Schofield if she could move Charlotte. No, she’s sitting towards the back, next to Aimee Tobin, who barely said two words to her all day, I noticed. If she’d sat next to me I’d have talked to her! Anything would be better than the constant sound of teeth nibbling on skin (Charlotte).
Tuesday 16 January
Ryan is trying to set me up with his friend Ben. Ems told me today in morning break that Ryan thinks I’m ‘cute’ and that it’s a shame I don’t have a boyfriend, and that Ben is ‘cute’ too and on the lookout for a girlfriend and that Ryan thinks we’d be a match made in heaven and that he’s been trying to get my mobile number off Ems so that he can give it to Ben so that Ben can text me sometime.
Why do people do this? Why? I’m not interested in having a sodding boyfriend! I’m quite happy as I am. I told Ems as much but I think she’s siding with Ryan ’cos she kept telling me how fit Ben was and that she could see us together and that I should at least send him a text to say hi ’cos it wouldn’t hurt just to do that. She stuffed a piece of paper into my hand with his mobile number written on it and said, ‘what do you think?’ and cocked her head to the side and gave me that pitying smile that she’s so good at. I smiled back and said I’d think about it. Yeah right! [/never-in-a-million-years/].
Now, if she wanted to set me up with J…
Wednesday 17 January
Got home from school to find HRBH wrapped round Ade on the sofa. They looked like they’d just been doing something revolting so I made sure I checked the chair covers for any funny stains before I sat down. I can’t stand Ade. His eyes are too close together for my liking, he sniffs, like,
all
the time, and he calls me ‘weeny’ for some unknown reason, despite the fact he’s only four years older than me. Patronising bastard. I know HRBH’s only been going out with him for 3 weeks, but I really hope she’s not thinking anything long-term with him. The thought of another year or so of being called ‘weeny’ chills me to my very core; it sounds too much like wiener for my liking and I don’t want to be thinking about willies every time he speaks to me.
Thursday 18 January
We were sitting on the wall by the cemetery at lunchtime when Ryan and his mates came past. That Ben kid was with them. Ryan reckoned they were just passing but I think it was pre-arranged by Ems because I wouldn’t let her give him my mobile number and I haven’t bothered texting him yet, not even having so much as looked at the piece of paper with his number on it since Ems gave it to me. I took a good look at him anyway; he’s fairly nice-looking but has sticky-out ears and lots of zits. He’s quite tall too, with a mop of dark hair, which hangs over his eyes, but I didn’t care for the way he stood there picking at a ripe spot next to his nose. He had neat trainers on, but he didn’t say a word to me or make any kind of eye contact in the entire ten minutes it took for Ryan to arrange a date with Ems, and for his lanky streak-of-lightning sidekick Charlie to finish looking Caroline up and down.
I suppose it really is time I got a boyfriend, after all I
am
nearly seventeen, and everyone else I know has a boyfriend. I don’t want people to talk. Perhaps if Ben asks me out, I’ll say yes. After all, how bad could it be to go on a date with a boy?
He’ll have to actually talk to me first, though.
Friday 19 January
A text! It said: ‘Hey chk, howz bout u n me gttn 2getha sumtme???’ After spending a good three minutes or so cracking the code (I think he maybe has something against vowels) I guessed this was Ben asking me out, so Ems must have given him my number even though I sodding well asked her not to! I’m not sure it was necessary for such a large number of question marks either, but I gathered my thoughts, read the message through again, checked the piece of paper with Ben’s number on it to make sure it really was from him (it was) and sent one back that said ‘sure’. I, unlike many others my age, believe in such unimportant matters like proper spelling and grammar (this is what comes of having an English teacher for a mother—either that or I’m shockingly old-fashioned) and of the importance of short punchy messages. Besides, I couldn’t think what else to say to him.
Within 20 seconds (is he keen or desperate?) a message came back saying: ‘Kool! Letz do 2moz @7 @ McDeez,’ which I roughly translated as ‘How splendid! Well then, let’s dine together at seven o’clock at a local branch of an American-style diner-cum-burger bar. What say you?’
I suppose it’s too early in our burgeoning relationship to point out that, amongst other glaring mistakes in his two messages,
cool
is spelt with a
c
, not a
k
?
Told Ems in afternoon break that I was meeting Ben tomorrow night and she squealed (rather too loudly, I thought) and said she’d lend me something to wear. [/insulted/]. I hadn’t actually thought about what to wear, but my North Face trousers have just been washed so they’ll be fine.
Saturday 20 January
Woke up and had a sinking feeling in my tummy because I remembered that I was meeting Ben later. I kinda wanted to just stay in and watch TV with Mum and Dad, but I supposed I ought to show willing.
Got a text from Ems (spelling marginally better than Ben’s) wishing me luck and telling me to have a ‘brill time’. We’re only going to McDonald’s.
Anyway, it’s now 6:30 p.m. so I suppose I better get myself ready. Will write up results of date tomorrow!!!
Sunday 21 January
Well, it went okay I suppose. For a first date, I mean. It hadn’t actually struck me that this was going to be my first proper date until I got into town and saw Ben standing under the big M sign, scuffing his foot along the ground, and picking at his zit (still). I had a momentary knot of fear in my tummy that was soon blown away when I was knocked sideways by a blast of cheap, acrid aftershave that hit me when I walked up to him. He looked nervous but did very well opening the door to McD’s for me, which was sweet of him, I suppose.
It was kinda downhill from there, though. We ordered a burger and fries, each, and sat down, and that was about as interesting as the evening got, really. He wolfed his burger and fries down as if he’d never seen food before, barely said two words to me all night, then sat there with a globule of tomato ketchup in the corner of his mouth for the rest of the evening. I thought, bearing in mind he was in the company of a lady (me), he would have checked to make sure he had nothing round his mouth. But no! To add insult to injury, he asked me if he could finish the fries I hadn’t been able to manage, then lunged across the table and grabbed a handful of them before stuffing those back in the same piggish manner he’d eaten his own. He then hiccoughed loudly for the next ten minutes without so much as one ‘excuse me’ [/unimpressed/].
Anyway, at about 10:30, I made up some excuse about having to get going home because my dad was picking me up and he was working nights (a great big lie) so Ben walked me down to the fountain in town where I’d agreed to meet Dad. We were walking down through town when Ben suddenly put his arm round my shoulders, so I let it stay there ’cos I didn’t want to appear rude. He slowed his steps down when we got nearer to the fountain, then stopped altogether, casting a shifty glance down the road (to make sure Dad wasn’t coming, I suppose). He started wiping his mouth with the back of his hand (the ketchup had gone by this point, thank God) then asked me if he could see me again. I said, ‘sure’ (why?????) and he seemed pleased. I said, ‘Right. Bye then,’ and he lunged at me with pursed lips!!!!! I jerked my head back, but not before I’d been engulfed by the taste of saliva, greasy burger, and stale Coke. Gross!!! Ben mumbled something inaudible, smiled weakly at me, then ambled off down the road. I took his mumble to be a good-bye and watched him disappear round the corner, face lit up by his just-flipped mobile phone.
Then my phone beeped! It was him!! It said, ‘Soz wuz so quite wiv u. Wuz nurvus.’ Assumed he meant quiet, not quite. Started to write a message but didn’t know what to write, so stuffed my phone in my pocket just as Dad turned up in the car. Felt really depressed when I got home, I don’t know why. Thought I ought to reply to Ben’s text, but couldn’t be arsed and anyway, my phone was going crazy with people texting me! Ems, Caroline, Marcie, AND Alice all texted me asking me how I got on. You’d have thought I’d been to hospital for some life-saving operation, not on a date!
I just replied to them all with a ‘Yeah, good’ text and switched off my phone.
Woke up to, like, 101 texts this morning. The most interesting one from Ben, asking me if I wanted to go out with him again on Saturday!!! Is the boy a glutton for punishment??? To my own amazement, I replied with a yes. I have NO idea what I’m doing, or why I’m doing it. We’re meeting next Saturday in town.
Monday 22 January
Got my Stalin essay back today. Mr. Pritchard gave me a shit mark for it!! At the bottom of the page he’d written ‘are you familiar with the term
plagiarism
,
Clemmie?’
Must remember to look up what plague-whatsit means later. I’m thinking it means Mr. Pritchard wasn’t happy with my essay; maybe it wasn’t long enough (three-quarters of a page of A4). What more does he want?
War and Peace
???
[/sarcasm/].
Got quizzed about Saturday night but I was really cool about it all. Ems said that Ryan told her that Ben told him that he’d had a really good time. I wonder if he was on the same date as I was? He also said Ben was dead chuffed that I’d agreed to go out with him again; Marcie squealed like a piglet when Ems told the assembled group this. Me? I just smiled sheepishly and blushed, wondering for the hundredth time why I’d agreed to see him again.
Didn’t see J all day today :o( I miss her, even though I don’t even speak to her.
Tuesday 23 January
No sign of J all day again. Bit pissed off about that. English was
rubbish
! We’re reading
Othello
and it’s crap; we watched a movie of it made, like, about 100 years ago, with some ancient old actor playing
Othello
, and I thought he was dreadful! Really hammy! Mr. Harman told us we should feel privileged to watch ‘such a classic’ but all that ham on screen just made me think of bacon sandwiches and made my tummy rumble.
Wednesday 24 January
Had a good look at this Hannah girl today. She looks kinda funky; she has this jet-black hair and this well wicked belt with, like, studs all over it. I also noticed she was wearing a black sweatband on her right wrist, but she’d made sure it was well hidden under her shirt sleeve (Mrs. Russell is sooooooo strict on what she calls ‘accessories’).
She had lots of band names written on her bag, bands I’d not really heard of, and which I’d never listened to (this is what comes of having Abba fans as your parents). Sometimes I wonder if I’m a bit uncool ’cos there’s lots of things I’ve never heard of, and things I’ve never done. If I ever get a chance to talk to Hannah, I’ll ask her about them, although I’ll have to get in line to speak to her—she seems
very
popular with a lot of the others in my class.
Text from Ben: ‘cnt w8 2cu again’. I didn’t know what to write, so just put ‘See you Saturday.’ I hope he can read non-text speak!
Thursday 25 January
We were all sitting round at lunchtime today talking about boys. I hate it when that happens ’cos it makes me feel soooooooo uncomfortable. We were talking about Monday night’s
Prison Break
and Caroline said how much she fancied Michael Scofield and everyone else agreed. I didn’t want to look the odd one out so I agreed as well, but I noticed Alice didn’t say anything, so he’s obviously not her sort. Then we got talking about our ideal men (groan), and what we look for in a man (groan again); Ems said her ideal man was, of course, Ryan and Marcie said she fancied Jason, Ryan’s best mate, but said if he wasn’t interested in her, then she’d have to stick with Jake Gyllenhaal, who she’s fancied for, like, aaaaaaaages and didn’t even stop fancying him when he played that gay cowboy (she said he looked cute in chaps).