Authors: KE Payne
Thursday 5 April
Hannah texted me late last night to say good night, which I thought was really nice.
I thought about her again tonight before I went to sleep. About the way she looks, the way she dresses—and I was replaying our previous conversations in my head, remembering the bits that I said that had made her laugh. Then I thought about how cute she looks when she laughs.
I really, like, reaaaaaaaaally fancy her! Weirdly, it feels just like when I fell for J; I saw this girl walking down the corridor, laughing with her friends, she caught my eye as she passed me and…whoomph! That was it. I was hooked—and it seemed she was suddenly in my head 24/7.
I used to lie in bed thinking about J, reminding myself of every little incident that might have happened with her during the day—and feeling ever such a little bit cheated if I didn’t see her on any particular day.
Friday 6 April
I’d made arrangements to go to town with Mum today, but Hannah rang me first thing and asked me if I wanted to go for a coffee with her. I debated whether I should say no, but I found myself agreeing to meet her in town at eleven, despite thinking (in my current frame of mind) that it might not be a good idea. I’m ashamed to admit, dear diary, that I found myself hideously excited at the thought of seeing her.
Anyway, we met up outside Starbucks and my tummy lurched when I saw her. I felt dead thrilled to see her. We had a really nice couple of hours just sitting and talking over coffee, and when it was time to for me to come home, I felt ridiculously happy—happier than I’ve felt for weeks, actually.
I decided I wanted to search for ‘lesbian’ on Google when I got in, just to see if it directed me to any websites that could give me some advice, help me out, that sort of thing, but Google just gave me links to a load of websites with pictures of large-breasted ladies that, like, TOTALLY freaked me out, so I logged off and went downstairs again. Had to excuse myself halfway through the news and went back upstairs to delete the browsing history on my computer in case someone (HRBH) hacked into it and discovered what I’d been looking at.
I gave it one more go while I was back online, and tried to find a definition of the word ‘gay’ instead. It gave a few, but the ones that struck me were these:
Gay (n): homosexual
Gay (n): happy.
I thought that was dead deep and would be a well good pick-me-up for whenever I’m getting stressed about it all, so I’ve written the two words down in the back of you, dear diary, and I’ll sneak a peek at them and think about stuff whenever I’m ever feeling down.
Saturday 7 April
Up at eight today ’cos we went off down to Aunty Alison and Uncle David’s house for Easter. When we got there, Aunty Alison was waiting in the doorway and she squealed with excitement at seeing us again. She hugged me rather too tightly and told me I’d grown so much since the last time she’d seen me. Why do adults always say that? I bet even when I’m 35 and 6ft tall in my socks, she’ll be telling me how much I’ve grown!
After lunch we all walked down to the beach and watched as Barbara ran in and out of the sea, barking. My dad grumbled something about mucky wet dog paws but Mum shot him one of her special looks and he soon shut up and wandered off on his own to look at some rock pools.
Hannah sent me a text and asked me if I wanted to meet up with her tonight! I texted her back and told her I was down South on holiday. She sent me one back saying ‘Oh! U never said’, which I thought was a bit strange. To be honest, it had never occurred to me to tell her I was going away. So I texted her back and said more or less that I hadn’t thought to tell her. It’s now 11:30 p.m. and she hasn’t replied yet.
Sunday 8 April
Easter Sunday! Went for a really long walk with HRBH, Barbara, and Uncle David. We went across the fields at the back of the house, along the cliff path and down to the beach. It took us two and a half hours and I was shattered by the end of it—though not as shattered as Barbara was!
Met up with Mum, Dad, and Aunty Alison in the pub afterwards and had an enormous Sunday lunch. When we got back, Aunty Alison gave me and HRBH an Easter egg each, which was nice of her. It was more than Mum and Dad gave us, anyway! They stopped giving us Easter eggs when we were about ten, saying Easter had become too commercialised. Sometimes I think my parents have no fun left in them at all.
Checked my phone on and off all day for a message from Hannah, but there was nothing.
Monday 9 April
Went over to Aunty Kate’s house for lunch. My bloody mother insisted I wear a skirt, and no amount of grumbling from me would make her change her mind. I don’t know why she does this! Whenever we go to see Aunty Kate, we have to dress up and be on our best behaviour. I’m sure this is only because Aunty Kate lives in a bungalow and votes Conservative. Aunty Kate talks like she has a plum in her mouth, and always gets her best china out when we go to visit, which always makes Mum shake.
When we got there, sure enough, Aunty Kate had laid out salmon and cucumber sandwiches, a tea tray, and a plate of shortbreads. Dad whispered to me that he wished he’d put on his suit ’cos he said he felt like he was having tea with the Queen, which made me giggle. Thankfully Aunty Kate had put out mugs for me and HRBH (she said she didn’t trust the ‘children’ with her finest bone china. Children??) and Mum looked very relieved.
We talked about school and work, and then me and HRBH got asked (as we always do) whether we had boyfriends, so I shuffled nervously in my chair while Mum told her that ‘Clem was seeing a nice boy for a while, but they’re not seeing each other anymore’. Aunty Kate looked sympathetically at me and sighed and tutted, causing her false teeth to make a funny noise. I could feel a fit of the giggles coming on, so excused myself and went to the toilet where I had another fit of the giggles at the sight of the blancmange-pink crocheted doll which Aunty Kate had used to cover up her toilet rolls. Imagine if that doll ever got together with a boy doll—he’d have such a surprise when he lifted up her skirt!
Kept checking my phone for messages from Hannah, but still nothing. HRBH asked me why I kept looking at my phone but I just glared and told her to butt out.
Why hasn’t Hannah texted me? Is there anything in this world more infuriating than a textless phone??!!
Tuesday 10 April
Didn’t do much ’cos it rained all day. Sat in and watched
Mary Poppins
on TV, then had fish and chips for tea. Thought Julie Andrews was fit. Does that make me kinky?
The rain stopped later in the afternoon, so HRBH dragged me and Barbara off for a walk down to the beach where we sat on some rocks until it got dark. I sat and looked up at the moon, which was shining really brightly in the sky, and found myself wondering whether Hannah was able to see the moon too, wherever she might be.
Still no text. Aaaaargghhh!!
Wednesday 11 April
Had a text off Hannah asking me if I was having a good time!! At last!! I texted her back straight away and told her about Aunty Kate’s crocheted dolly and it made her laugh. I told her we were coming home tomorrow and she said she was looking forward to seeing me again.
It’s been quite good being away from home and being busy ’cos I haven’t thought about Hannah for a few days now, but exchanging texts with her has reminded me of her so I went to bed thinking about her again.
Thursday 12 April
Really nice out today, so we went to a pub for lunch that Uncle David recommended, and which he said was about 20 minutes from his house. Maybe it’s 20 minutes the speed he drives, but Dad drives like an asthmatic cart-horse so we arrived 50 minutes after we set off, all starving hungry and a bit grumpy, to find Aunty Alison and Uncle David ensconced in the pub looking cheerful and asking Dad what had taken him so long.
Went up to the bar with Dad to buy drinks and he muttered at me that he wanted to go home. He can be so humourless sometimes!
Friday 13 April
Home again!
Left Aunty Alison and Uncle David’s at around 11 a.m. Uncle David gave me and HRBH £10 each! I’ve always liked Uncle David.
Got home around 2 p.m. after stopping off for lunch at some crappy motorway café. Mum immediately started making noises about the amount of washing she had to do, so I took myself off upstairs and thought about ringing Hannah to tell her I was home. I sat on my bed looking at my phone for ages, wondering if I should call her; I finally made the decision, rang her…and her phone was off! Felt at a bit of a loose end, so rang Alice and asked her if I could come over. She sounded pleased to hear from me and said I could come over straight away.
Anyway, we went out for a walk along the disused railway line at the back of her house. It was nice, but I found myself kinda wishing that Hannah had answered her phone, and that I was out walking with her, not Alice.
Saturday 14 April
Tried Hannah’s phone again today but it was still off. I felt really disappointed when it went straight through to voicemail, ’cos I’d psyched myself up to talk to her again and I could practically already hear her voice in my head as I was dialling her number. I like to think about the sound of her voice ’cos then I can picture her in my head and I really like the feeling it gives me.
Okay, so why’s she not answering? I really wanna talk to her, just wanna hear her voice.
Sunday 15 April
Hannah’s phone still off. Haven’t heard a word from her since Wednesday. I hope I haven’t pissed her off or anything. I wondered whether either Ems or Caroline or maybe even Matty might have her home number, but I didn’t want them to ask me why I was so keen to get through to Hannah. Maybe they wouldn’t think anything of it, but I don’t want to take that chance!
I miss her.
Monday 16 April
Hannah rang me this morning! I tried to sound really laid-back but inside I was jumping with joy! I mentioned (casually, like) that I’d been trying to call her and she told me her phone had broken, that she’d just been out to buy a new one, and that she was testing it out on me to make sure it worked okay!! All that worry for nothing! Sometimes I think I’ll be grey by the time I’m 20 with all the worrying I do.
She said her new phone had an awesome camera on it so I told her to take a photo of herself and send it to me (I don’t know why I said that!). She said she would! Then she said she had to go to the supermarket with her mum, but would I like to go over to her house tomorrow? Of course I said yes! She rang off, but not before saying that she was looking forward to seeing me tomorrow, which was sweet of her.
About five minutes after our conversation, my phone beeped and there was a photo of Hannah poking her tongue out at me on my screen. I had, like, this major OOOOMG moment but reminded myself that my parents were downstairs so switched my phone off to stop myself from looking at Hannah’s picture all the time.
Went downstairs and helped Dad plant some onion sets in the garden, but my mind was constantly on the picture on my phone.
Tuesday 17 April
Looked at Hannah’s picture before I went to bed last night and went to sleep feeling ever so slightly naughty! The fact that I had this reaaaallly weird dream about her kinda proves that too!
In this dream, Hannah was a vampire, dressed head to foot in black, and I wanted to tell her how fit she looked but I was too shy. She had these little fangs, like dripping with all this blood, and I was scared but really turned on at the same time by the sight of her. Anyway, just at the point when I thought she was either going to kiss me or bite my neck (like vampires do) I heard all this running water and thought it was my blood, but it was Dad having a wee out in the loo which must have woken me up. Felt soooooo strange when I remembered what I’d just been dreaming, and I felt kinda freaked out all day ’cos of it. It didn’t help when I went over to Hannah’s and had lunch with her and her mum and her little brother Joe, either.
It was, like, sooooo weird sitting at their table eating with them, knowing that about eight hours earlier I’d been dreaming about her trying to bite my neck!!! Anyway, today was the first time I’d met some of her family, and they’re all really nice. Her mum’s great! She has a look of Kathy Bates (post-
Misery
) about her and a laugh that could start avalanches in Japan. She’d made scones and put them out on little paper doilies on a plate. We don’t use doilies in our house except at Christmas; Mum says kitchen roll is quite sufficient for 51 weeks of the year.