Authors: Hilary Wynne
I wake up in a horrible mood again Sunday morning, and when I say horrible, I mean really bad. I’ve convinced myself the feelings of insecurity, confusion, and jealously that have plagued me since I met Julian are not signs of a healthy relationship or a healthy me and that I want nothing to do with them. I’ve also convinced myself I want to be alone. I shove all of the good memories of the last few weeks with Julian into the corners of my mind and heart. I’m not in a place where I can separate the feelings I’m having about Julian with the feelings I’m having about Brady, and they all begin to mesh together into a big ball of
hurt.
Julian going away for five days was the worst thing that could have happened to our budding relationship. His physical presence is what has kept me grounded during this whole rollercoaster ride, and without his touch and arms around me, I’ve drifted back toward the place where I’m more comfortable being alone. I’ve been an emotional wreck with him gone. I miss him terribly, and the fact we haven’t even really talked has made it worse. I feel the depression seeping back in, and it sucks. I was sure I was past this, but I was
wrong.
I’ll find out much later that what I’m feeling is pretty normal for someone who has gone through a traumatic event. When I let Julian in and decided to feel again, all of the emotions I had been repressing for a year took it as an invitation to reappear. I’m completely and totally overwhelmed. The fact I haven’t slept well in two days isn’t helping either. To add insult to injury, I also realize my period should be here this week and that PMS is making all of this even worse. Holy hell. The conditions are totally ripe for the perfect emotional
storm.
I don’t feel the need to bring anybody into this drama, so I get out of the house before I see my roommates. They have both been busy and in and out this weekend, so they really don’t know what’s going on with me, but they think I’m fine, and that’s good. I don’t check my phone, and I don’t check my personal e-mails the entire day. I know Julian is coming back sometime today, but I don’t want to see him. Too bad he has other
plans.
I get home from work around five o’clock to find Julian waiting in my driveway. Shit. My heart starts racing, and I know this is going to be ugly. He gets out and walks around his car toward mine. He barely gives me enough room to open the door and get out. As I do, he pulls me into his arms and holds me tightly. My body betrays me and melts into his touch. My heart and mind are not as weak though, and I’m able to pull away. Well, I’m able to try to pull away. His hold on me tightens, and he ups the ante by kissing me firmly on the
lips.
“I thought that might be the best way to start the conversation we’re about to have, Alexa.” I assume he’s referring to the kiss. It’s obvious by the tone of his voice and his posture he isn’t happy. I shrug my shoulders and pull away. This time he lets me. I make no move to go into the house, so we stay in the driveway. I decide going on the offensive is my best plan of action. I know Julian, and I’ll lose the upper hand here if I don’t come out swi
nging.
“I’m not in the mood for a lecture, Julian, so if you planned on giving me one, you may want to recons
ider.”
Yep. Bitchy and rude and right on target. The look on Julian’s face is one of confusion and hurt. I try not to let it get to me. I made a decision this weekend to end this, and I have to be strong
here.
“What the hell does that mean? I don’t lecture you all the
time.”
“Yes, Julian, you do lecture me. I’m always doing or not doing or saying or not saying something wrong. Right now I’m not in the mood to hear whatever you think it is I did wrong this
time.”
“Can we go inside?” Julian’s voice is no more than a whisper. I know he won’t let me just stand in the driveway and fight with him, so I nod and go inside. Julian walks straight to my bedroom, and I feel like I have no choice but to follow. I really didn’t think this through. I wouldn’t have chosen to do this here. I actually should have done it over the phone, but it’s too late for that now. I walk in, and he shuts the door behind me. He starts pacing back and forth. I move away from him but stay sta
nding.
“What’s going on? And please don’t play games here, because I’m really conf
used.”
I take a moment to gather the words that have been in my mind the last few days and try to push them out of my mouth. They don’t want to come out. Julian’s physical presence is throwing me off. I’m finally able to get them out, and they taste horrible because they’re all
lies.
“I don’t want you here right now. Actually, I don’t want you here at all. This time apart was good for me. It showed me how crazy this whole thing between us is. It really is like a rollercoaster ride, and I enjoyed being off of it. I want
off.”
Julian is looking at me like I’m nuts. He also looks pissed. His voice is no longer calm. “What the hell happened while I was gone, Alexa, because I have no idea why you’re acting this way? Are you trying to break up with me, because that’s what it sounds
like?”
My heart is racing, and I’m trembling a little. It’s so hard to be around him and not touch him. I need to stay strong though. “Nothing happened, Julian. I just told you, I had time to think. I can’t do that when you’re around because my judgment is clouded by the great sex. I’ve had a very peaceful couple days, and I just don’t think you and I are good together. Our relationship isn’t hea
lthy.”
Julian finally sits down on the bed and runs his hands through his hair. He’s staring at me but not saying anything. It’s unnerving, and I want him to respond. He doesn’t, and the silence is deafening, so I continue. I’m starting to feel badly, so I try and take total ownership of this situ
ation.
“Do you remember the first song I sent you? The one about not wanting to hurt again? I meant it. I can’t do this. I need out before this thing between us wrecks me. This isn’t really about
you—”
Julian cuts me off. His voice is impatient. “It’s me, not you? Is that where you’re going with this? Because if so, you can just stop. The only thing crazy is how you’re acting right now.” He takes a deep breath and exhales. “I have no idea where to start here because you just fucking blindsided me, and I make it a point to never let that ha
ppen.”
Julian gets off the bed quickly and takes me in his arms before I have a chance to respond or move away. He’s holding me tightly, and my arms are pinned to my side. He presses his lips to my ear and whispers, “First of all, you’re not breaking up with me, so let’s take that off the table and move on to whatever is really goin
g on.”
His tone is calm, and his touch nonthreatening, but I don’t process it that way. With no warning, my past and present collide in a major way, and an image of Brady holding me in a similar way and telling me he wasn’t letting me leave bursts into my mind in the most vivid way. For a split second, I’m there, in his room, and Julian is Brady. I’m overwhelmed with a feeling of utter panic, and when I look up at Julian, he’s noticeably shocked by what he sees in my eyes. He lets me go before the words even come out. He sees my fear and takes a step back. There’s venom in my voice when I speak, and I don’t even sound like m
yself.
“Let me fucking go, and don’t ever tell me what I’m going to do or not do. Who the fuck do you think you are coming in here and telling me I have to be with you. Maybe you didn’t hear me the first time. I was trying to be nice, but I’ll skip that this time. I don’t want to be with you anymore. I wish you didn’t come here tonight. I wish you never came into my life at all. Just leave, Julian. Pl
ease.”
The words come out in a torrent of pain and with them come the tears. Julian looks shell-shocked, and it makes me feel worse. He has no idea what’s going on. He has no idea that Brady’s and my last night played out something like this. I wanted out, and Brady wouldn’t accept it, so I stayed. I stayed the night, and it changed my whole life. Julian has no idea I felt dead before I met him and that being away from him for five days was so hard for me. He has no idea I already need him that much. He has no idea I need to push him away so I never feel that kind of hurt and betrayal
again.
Julian backs up and sits down at my desk. He’s as far away from me as he can be in my room, but he still feels too close. He shakes his head s
lowly.
“I’m staying because I said I would and because you have asked me to over and over again. I’m staying because you’re not okay right now, and I have no idea what’s happening or what happened while I was gone. You’re scaring me a little here, and I don’t want to go. But if you tell me the truth, and I see you are you’re okay, I’ll leave. Okay? And please be honest with me, Alexa. We promised each other we would always be ho
nest.”
His voice is gentle, and his eyes are filled with compassion, and my need to pull him close edges out my desire to push him away. Through my tears, I try to give him the truth he does de
serve.
I sit down on my bed and try to find the words. “I was doing fine until you came along. Now everything I’ve worked so hard for is
gone.”
“What’s gone, Alexa? What have you been working for? I’m not trying to be a jerk, baby, but I don’t understand any of this. I know we didn’t get to talk for a few days, but I’m having a hard time believing this is all because of
that.”
It becomes so obvious to me that my refusal to tell him anything about my past has really left him in the dark. “I don’t want to be this girl, Julian. I didn’t used to be this girl. Í
hate
this girl.” He still looks confused, so I con
tinue.
“The girl who can’t go a few days without talking to her boyfriend, or whatever you are to me, without freaking out or getting all insecure and jealous. The girl who waits by the phone on a Friday and Saturday night hoping he’ll call her. The girl who, after only a month, missed him so badly it actually hurt her heart. That’s the girl I don’t want t
o be.”
Julian stands up and takes a step toward me. I shake my head no. I’m calming down, and if he touches me, I’ll lo
se it.
“Can I sit by you? I won’t touch you.” His voice is pleading, and I see his own pain. I may not have completely opened up to him emotionally, but I have physically. This man has touched almost every inch of my body, and now I won’t let him near me. I don’t blame him for being upset by
that.
I nod yes, and he comes and sits on the edge of the bed near me. He doesn’t try to touch me. He just stares into my eyes and speaks in a wh
isper.
“I’m so glad you’re that girl, Alexa, because that girl belongs with the guy who couldn’t stay focused on work because all he wanted to do was get back to Miami. She belongs with the guy who freaked out when his girlfriend refused to speak to him and tried to find a way to cut his very important business trip short. That girl belongs with the guy who missed her so much it actually hurt his heart too. That girl needs to stay with the guy who, despite his best efforts to not feel this way, can’t imagine her not being in his
life.”
My tears have stopped, and I’m feeling a tiny bit better. His words are soo
thing.
“You can’t say things like that to me and then disappear, Julian. I can’t stay in this relationship if you can’t even make time to cal
l me.”
“I’m so sorry, baby. I fucked up here, and I see that. I don’t want to make any excuses, but I was extremely busy and never alone. I even shared a room with Danny on three of the nights. These trips are like that. We were being wined and dined, and it was nonstop. I tried to come home Saturday after you refused to talk to me, but I couldn’t leave my dad and Danny there without me. One day soon I’ll tell you about my dad, but now isn’t the time. Please just know I never stopped thinking about you for a mi
nute.”
I just sit there and process what he said. I’m really curious about what’s going on with his dad, but he made it clear he doesn’t want to talk about it now, and we have our own issues to deal
with.
“Why do you want to do this, Julian? I clearly am a mess. You don’t need this drama. You don’t deserv
e it.”
Julian gives me a small smile. It’s the first one tonight. “You definitely keep me on my toes. You’re passionate, Alexa, and I love that about
you.”
I can’t help but smile back at him. “That’s a nice spin on my crazy, Julian. Passionate has a better ring t
o it.”
I reach over and thread my fingers through his and squeeze. He squeezes
back.
“Alexa, you do know I would never ever force you to do anything, r
ight?”
Great. He isn’t letting that go, and I’m not surprised. My reaction to his touch a little while ago was ex
treme.
“Yes, I know that. I just overreacted. I was mad at you, I’m tired, and I have PMS.” I try to say it convincingly, but Julian isn’t buyi
ng it.
“Do you also know you can tell me anything, baby? I mean it. Anyt
hing.”
Oh yes. He’s on to me. This is the second time I’ve reacted badly when he touched me. The first time ended with me having a panic attack, and this time with me freaking out and bursting into tears. He knows something is going on with me, but there’s no chance we’re having this conversation right now, so I do what I think will distract him. I scoot over on the bed where he’s sitting, wrap my arms around him, put my lips on his, and slide my tongue inside his mouth. He kisses me back and holds me for a minute but then pulls away. He shakes his
head.
“I can’t make you talk to me, Alexa, but I’m not going to let you try and avoid dealing with what happened tonight by distracting me with sex. I’ve never wanted you or needed to touch you and feel you more than I do right now, but I don’t think that’s really what you
want.”