Authors: Hilary Wynne
“What are you smiling about?” I want him to tell me I just rocked his
world.
“You called me, baby.” He says it shyly, and I’m touched. I didn’t realize I said it. It must have slippe
d out.
I hug him tightly and press my face to his chest. I kiss the skin over his heart, and he squeezes me
back.
“What time do you get up for
work?”
Damn. I’m snapped back to reality. “Around seven. What about
you?”
“I’m going to hang out with you until you leave. We’re planning on leaving around one o’c
lock.”
I try not to get emotional when I think about Julian being away from me for five days. It sounds so long. I remind myself I managed to live for twenty-five years without him. Julian notices my mood change. “What are you thinking a
bout?”
“I’m going to miss
you.”
He kisses me softly on the lips. “I’m going to miss you
too.”
We lay there talking about his trip for another thirty minutes. I’m exhausted and need to sleep, but I don’t want this night to end. He’ll be leaving me in the morning. Despite my best efforts to remain awake, I can’t. Julian’s warm body pressed against mine along with the soothing feel of his fingers running slowly up and down my back lull me into a peaceful deep
sleep.
I sleep so well that I don’t even hear my alarm until it’s been going off for thirty minutes. I hit the off button and roll over. Julian isn’t in my bed, and my heart sinks when I think he must have already left. I throw a robe on, quickly brush my teeth, and head out to see if I’m right. I find him in my living room with his laptop on the coffee table in front of him. He’s dressed, and it looks like he has showered. Damn. I guess this means no sex this morning. I’m greeted by a huge
smile.
“Good morning,
cor
azón
.”
“How long have you bee
n up?”
“Since six. I hope I didn’t wake
you?”
I rub my eyes. “No, and I wish you would have. I’m already running late, and I can’t even blame it on
sex.”
Julian reaches for me and pulls me onto his lap. “I’m sorry, baby. You looked so peaceful. I told you I have a hard time waking yo
u up.”
I lean over, nip his earlobe, and whisper, “For the record, I love being woken up with something
hard.”
Julian moans, and I feel him harden. “Sit tight, Julian.” I hurry back to my room and grab a condom from the dresser. On the way back to the kitchen, I hear Marissa’s shower turn on, and I know I have at least twenty minutes before she’ll come out of her room. Shannon went to Cory’s last night, so I’m not worried about her catching us either. I walk back into the living room, put the condom on the table, straddle Julian, and begin unzipping his shorts like a woman on a mission. I find him hot and semi
hard.
“Have I told you lately how much I appreciate the fact you don’t wear underwear?” I slide his shaft out and stroke it gently. Semi hard turns into very hard qu
ickly.
For the first time since we met, I think I’ve shocked Julian. He’s speechless for a minute. He looks around, unsure we should be doing this
here.
“We have about twenty minutes for you to put that condom on and fuck me. I know we don’t have a lot of time this morning, so I’m keeping you out of my bedroom, but if you think you’re leaving without coming again you’re very wrong. And by the way, I’m already wet and ready for
you.”
An actual growl comes out of his mouth before it meets mine. Julian slides his hot tongue into my mouth and kisses me passionately. “
Dios mío
, Alexa. That’s so fucking hot. I don’t like to be rushed with you, but I’ll take what I can
get.”
I let go of him and watch as he takes the condom out of the wrapper and rolls in on. Julian slides his hand under my robe and runs his fingers over my sex. He feels that I was not lying about being wet and moans again. I shift in his lap, position myself over him, and slide down. The feeling of him so deep inside of me coupled with the thought of possibly getting caught excites me, and I can’t believe how wet and turned on I am. Julian reaches into my robe and exposes my breasts. He massages one with one of his hands and finds my clit with the other. I ride him and grind my hips into him and lose myself in the exhilarating sensation of his touch. Our movements are hard, fast, and raw. I’ve been moaning quietly but as I get close to coming, I become a little l
ouder.
“Are you close, baby? I am. Let’s do this together, okay. Come for me, A
lexa.”
His voice, his fingers on my swollen sex, and his hard dick inside me make that an easy request to fulfill. I clench down as the first waves of my orgasm start pulsing through me and hang on to Julian tightly as he thrusts into me and finds his own re
lease.
I want to sit and savor the moment, but I hear Marissa’s door opening. I stand up quickly and adjust my robe. Julian gets up and rushes to the hall bathroom. I pass Marissa on the way down the hall and try to hide my guilty little
smile.
“You’re going to be late, Lex. It’s already after e
ight.”
“I know. Getting in the shower
now.”
I take a quick shower and fix my hair into a ponytail. I really haven’t left myself much time to get ready. It was totally worth it though. That was hot. I apply a little makeup and walk out of the bathroom naked. Julian is lying on th
e bed.
“Hmm … you should get dressed right now, Alexa, or you’re going to be really late for
work.”
I giggle as I walk into my closet. I put on a simple, navy, tank sheath dress with a black, skinny belt. I slide my feet into the black Charles David pumps I recently bought. I come back out, and find Julian in the same pos
ition.
“You should stop lying on my bed looking so hot if you don’t want me to be really, really late to
work.”
Julian chuckles. I’m glad he thinks I’m funny, but I’m only half kidding. My desire for him doesn’t seem to wane at all. I crave his touch. He sits up, gets off the bed, and comes to me. He puts his hand on my chin and tips my face to look up at him. He places a soft kiss on my
lips.
“Thank you for a rather unexpected and incredibly satisfying morning,
corazón
. You’re making it harder for me to leave you
know.”
I kiss him back and push away the sadness I’m feeling about him leaving. I will not ruin this morning. “Well hurry and go already so you can come back, Ju
lian.”
We walk out together and say our good-byes, and I sense he’s hesitant to go as well. After many kisses and hugs, he finally gets in his car and pulls out of the driveway. As I watch him drive down my street, I wonder how it’s possible for me to miss him this much al
ready.
“In all the time I’ve seen you, Lexie, you’ve never been so emotionally open. I’m happy to see it. It’s good for
you.”
My session with Ellen started with me close to tears. She asked how things were going with Julian, and when I told her he would be away for a few days, I got choked up. If it were anybody but Ellen witnessing this, I would be mortified. She has been with me through some pretty emotional moments, but there haven’t been many, and they all happened right after Brady died. I’ve been able to keep it together for months now, and I was hoping I’d be able to stay that way. It isn’t looking good f
or me.
“I’m glad you see it that way, Ellen. I am emotional, and I hate it. I’m all over the place. Julian just left this morning, and I’m already missing him. I feel needy, desperate, and anxious—all the things I swore I’d never feel again. Add that to the fact I’m dealing with all the Brady memories, and I’m a mess. I think I’d rather be
numb.”
“Well that’s honest, and I can understand why you feel it’s easier, but it’s no way to live, Lexie, and you know that. It’s normal to feel all these emotions. I would encourage you to talk to Julian and tell him how you feel. Tell him what’s going on with
you.”
“One of the biggest changes in me since Brady is my inability or unwillingness to talk about my feelings. I used to be able to share so easily. My heart was open, and I let everyone in. I could trust. I miss that so much. The problem now is I’m still an open book as far as my body language goes, but verbally I’m a vault. The words I want to say just run rampant through my head but then don’t come out of my mouth. I know Julian needs to know what’s going on with me. I need to tell him about Brady, especially now that the memories are so powerful. I know I’m not hiding anything from him, but at the same time I’m hiding everything, if that makes s
ense.”
“It makes total sense, Lexie. You keep telling me how well Julian reads you. I understand because I feel the same way about you. You don’t hide your emotions well, but it’s hard to know what they are. I imagine it confuses
him.”
“Ugh. It does, and he wants to talk about how I’m feeling all the time. I’d actually prefer to keep it more on the physical level, but it just doesn’t seem poss
ible.”
“Why is
that?”
“Why do I want it just physical or why isn’t it just phys
ical?”
“I’d like to hear both answers, L
exie.”
“Well, I’m comfortable with the physical stuff. The sex is amazing, and I feel powerful and confident when we’re together. He shares control with me, and I like it. The physical is easier than the emotional because I trust my body more than I trust my h
eart.”
Saying those words out loud actually feels
good.
“That also makes perfect sense, but you can trust yourself with both, Lexie.” I shrug my shoulders in response. I don’t
agree.
Ellen continues, “Why do you think things can’t just be physical between you
two?”
“Because they’re not. We do have an emotional connection, a strong one, and we both feel it. He seems so ready to dive into this thing, and I just don’t think we should move so
fast.”
“You definitely need to go at a pace that’s comfortable for you, and there’s nothing wrong with being a little cautious. But based on everything you’ve told me, I’d bet Julian is as invested in this relationship as you
are.”
“That may be true, Ellen, but that’s not a bet I’m ready to
make.”
The rest of my week basically sucks. I hear from Julian via text a few times Wednesday and Thursday, but everything is quick and impersonal and in response to me texting him. I try to call him late Thursday night, but it just goes to voicemail, and I begin to get frustrated. Before he left, Julian told me what his schedule was going to be like, so I knew he’d be busy. Their plan was to look at five different properties on the West Coast, and Julian said they had several meetings and dinners with the sellers and other investors. I figured he’d be with people all day, so I didn’t expect much from him then, but I did think I’d hear from him at night when he got back to his hotel room. By Friday night, I’m really anxious and need to hear his voice. It’s midnight when I call, and when he answers, I hear people and music in the background. Julian’s voice is quiet and impersonal, and he gets me off the phone qu
ickly.
“Hello. I’m still out with some business associates. I think we’ll be wrapping things up soon. I’ll call you l
ater.”
“Okay. Sorry to interrupt. Talk to you l
ater.”
I hang up feeling like a total idiot. I’m at home doing nothing, and he’s still out doing who knows what with who knows whom. It occurs to me I really don’t know much about what Julian’s life is like outside of what he does wi
th me.
I hang up and think about how throughout our short relationship he really hasn’t initiated the communication between us. I’m the one who usually calls, texts, or e-mails him. Ironically, I’m the one who’s bad at that, so we’re really in trouble if it’s all left up to me. My train of thought takes a turn, and I start to think about how we spend time together too, and realize it’s usually on his schedule as well. Before long, I manage to get myself worked up about not being a priority for him, and instead of waiting to talk to him tonight, I turn my phone off and try to go to sleep. It ends up being a rough night, full of tossing and turning, and when I wake up in the morning, I’m still in a foul
mood.
I literally feel the darkness settling on me as I take a shower and get ready for work. I’m not in a good place at all, and I know it. Unfortunately, once I start shutting down like this, I have a hard time stopping. I wanted to talk to Julian so badly last night, and this morning I don’t care if I hear from him at all. So much for him not putting me in last place in his world. I leave for work before anyone else is up, grab Starbucks, and head in. Thankfully, my day at work is pretty busy, and I have something other than Julian to focus on. Lauren is working with me today and tries her best to pull me out of my funk. She doesn’t ask what’s going on with me, and I’m thankful. I really just want to be left
alone.
I finally turn my phone back on around two in the afternoon on Saturday. As I expected, I have several missed calls and texts from Julian. I also have a few from Luke. Luke wants to know if I’m coming to Stellar tonight and also tells me he can’t come over Sunday for our regular
True Blood
date.
Alexa:
Hey there. Just got these. Busy at work. No and why? Tired and staying in to
night.
Luke:
Ok. Figured. I got asked to work Sunday anyway. But you probably know
that
.
Alexa:
Figured why? I don’t discuss your work schedule with J
ulian.
Luke:
Lunch next week for sure. Mi
ss you
Alexa:
Miss you too. For
sure
.
I don’t try to analyze Luke’s texts and move on to the messages from Julian. The first one is from one thirty last night. There are three others from today. I delete the voicemails without even listening to them. Hearing his voice will only soften my resolve. I do read the texts t
hough.
Julian:
Hey baby. Called last night. Sorry it was so late. Have time this morning.
(8:00
a.m.)
Julian:
Call me.
(8:45
a.m.)
Julian:
Alexa. Call me please
. (10:42
a.m.)
Julian:
Seriously? Hope you’re ok
. (12:17
p.m.)
I’m not going to lie. It feels good to have him on the other end, wanting to talk to me. I know I’m being childish and petty. I know he’s busy, but I don’t care. I just don’t want to feel like this. As much as I want to ignore him, I also respect that he’s working and doesn’t need to be dealing with my disappearing act. So I re
spond.
Alexa:
Why wouldn’t I
be ok?
Julian calls back immediately, and I send the call to voicemail. His text fo
llows.
Julian:
Answer your phone Alexa. you’re obviously on it. I don’t have time for
this.
Now I’m annoyed and totally prefer that emotion over sad. Doesn’t know me at all? Like I’m going to do what he asks now. I really should ignore the text, but I
can’t.
Alexa:
Clearly. I don’t have time for this either. Or the inclin
ation
.
Julian:
Inclination for what? To talk to me? Please answer your
phone
.
Julian:
I want to hear your voice baby. Even if it’
s mad
.
Alexa:
I don’t want to hear your voice right now J
ulian
.
Alexa:
I did when I called you on Thursday & again when I called last night but I’m over i
t now.
Julian:
Did you listen to any of my messages? I’m guessin
g not
.
I laugh a little. He does kn
ow me.
Alexa:
No. Like I just said. Didn’t want to hear your
voice.
Julian:
Figured. You would have heard my voice telling you I really mis
s you
.
Julian:
And that I’m sorry I haven’t been able to
talk
.
Julian:
Never alone. Being with my father for this many days is rough and he needs all my attention. My voice also told you I had the most awesome dream about you last night. I wanted to share the details. I have meetings all day today and it looks like we may end up with two properties. I’ll call later. Hopefully you’ll be inclined to talk
then.
His patience with me throws me for a loop. I’m acting like a brat, and he’s backing off. I feel a little bad because I really have only thought about how this time apart affects me. I don’t know much about his dad, but Julian has told me they’re not close, and I didn’t think twice that Julian may be dealing with his own stuff. The reality that I’ve avoided getting to really know him is blatantly obvious too. It’s hard to stay mad a
t him.
Alexa:
My curiosity about your dream wins. Call me later. I’ll probably a
nswer.
After work, I have my car washed, go to the grocery store, and go for a quick run. I’m trying to keep my mind off of him, but it’s not working. Ten o’clock comes and goes, and still no word from Julian. The good feelings that surfaced this afternoon are gone now. I hung on to them as long as I could, and now I’m done. I’m a twenty-five-year-old who’s sitting at home on a Saturday night waiting for a man to call me. It’s pathetic, and I’m mad at myself. I wish I was still one of those girls who would just say fuck it and go out to prove I didn’t need a man. But I’m not. I have no desire to prove anything to anybody. I turn off my phone and get into bed. Ironically, it’s Brady I think about, not J
ulian.
From the minute I gave Brady my phone number, he called me or texted me. For the first six months of our relationship, we were either together or on the phone. I can’t remember ever going hours without hearing from him, never mind days. We were pretty inseparable, and the only time we were apart was when we were working or when he was studying to retake his bar exam. I never wondered if he was thinking about me, and even when I look back now, I’d say we were genuinely happy in the begi
nning.
Things started to change after the holidays that year. Brady started partying more, and we started spending less time together. Work was busy for me, and making the trip up to Broward County where he lived became a hassle. We still saw each other a few times a week, but it was different, and if I didn’t make the effort, it wouldn’t happen. But he still called and texted me constantly. It was during this time I first thought of ending the relationship. His partying was coming between us, and I was sick of dealing with him when he was drunk or high. I tried to break up with him for the first time in late February. He begged and pleaded with me to give him another chance. He had all kinds of reasons and excuses, and I bought them all. We fell into a terrible pattern of breaking up and making up after that, and it became harder and harder for me to get out. Each time I would agree to stay together, I would lose a little piece of myself because I knew how toxic our relationship was. The same scene started to play out over and over again. Brady would promise to slow down the partying, and he would for a week or so. When he did, I would get the Brady back that I fell in love with, and I would hang on to that with everything I had. But it never lasted long. One of the hardest parts was nobody else was acting like Brady had a problem, so I was the bad guy when I made a big deal about the partying. Looking back now, I see that Luke started distancing himself from the situation toward the end. He knew it was bad, but he got tired of telling me to break up with Brady, because I wouldn’t listen. Luke watched me get sucked in deeper and deeper and felt powerless to stop me. I know that’s why he acts the way he does in regards to Julian. He really doesn’t want me to get
hurt.
I fall asleep with these thoughts in my head, so it’s no surprise my sleep is wrought with my recurring nightmares. I get very little sleep, and when I get out of bed Sunday morning, my whole outlook is diff
erent.