Authors: Hilary Wynne
When I wake up at ten, I can hardly move my head. I’m hurting bad. I force myself to get out of bed and get some Advil and water. I crawl back under the covers and check my phone. There are no messages from Julian. I’m glad. Maybe he went home and went to sleep. He does have a photo shoot today. I had told him I was going to be there with him today, but now I’m not sure it’s such a good idea. He got so pissed last night. I did have too much to drink, but I really wasn’t doing anything wrong. I think his main problem is the drinking. I know he doesn’t drink much, but neither do I. Usually. I’m not going to lie. I’ve been drinking more than usual lately. It seems to help keep the memories and nightmares at bay. I’m well aware of the fact it isn’t a great way to deal with any issue, but it’s working right now, so I’m running wi
th it.
I fall back asleep and don’t wake up until after two in the afternoon. I still feel like hell. I get up and head to the living room. Marissa is on one couch, and Jenna is on the other. They look as bad as
I do.
“Whose idea was it to drink so much last night?” I joke as I plop down next to Ma
rissa.
They both groan. It was a collaborative effort. Marissa sits up a little. “Have you heard from Julian? I don’t remember much after the third shot, but I do remember him being really pi
ssed.”
“Not today. But I haven’t looked at my phone recently. I’m in no mood for a lec
ture.”
Jenna chimes in. “Yeah, what’s up with that? Why was he so
mad?”
“He said I was letting some guy grind against me. He also isn’t a big fan of drinking, or me drinking, I guess. I really don’t know what set him
off.”
We sit there and talk about the night for a little longer, at least what we remember. I need to go to the bathroom, and I grab my phone on the way. Nothing. Shit, he’s still pissed. I go back to the living room and resume my position on the couch. We discuss eating, but nobody can think of anything that sounds good. At about three thirty, I get a text from
Luke.
Luke:
Hey Hooka. Did you and Julian get in a fight last
night?
Seriously? That place is gossip-freaking ce
ntral.
Alex
a:
Why
Luke:
bc that’s what I heard from some people and bc Julian has been a dick to everyone a
ll day
Luke:
and bc you’re a n
o show
Alexa:
It’s all good Luke
. Ttyl
Luke:
So yes, rumor true and you’re hiding out. It’s cool. you don’t need to te
ll me
.
Alexa:
it’s all good Luke. Go make a drink or some
thing
.
I really, really don’t want to text Julian, but I know I need to. I pretend like things really are all
good.
Alexa:
Hey you. Hope things are going well today. Call when you’re
free
.
It’s six thirty before he responds. I’ve spent the afternoon stressing about it, and I’m almost scared to
look.
Julian:
It’s all good, Alexa. Isn’t it? I’m busy. Not sure when I’ll be free to deal with
this.
Wow. That was rude. Oh well, I tried. If Julian wants to stay mad, he can. I still don’t even know why he’s so mad. I’m curious about his choice of words though. “It’s all good” is what I said to Luke when he asked what was going on. I text
Luke.
Alexa:
Did you talk to Julian about me
today?
Luke:
No
, why?
Alexa:
Not a
t all?
Luke:
We don’t talk about you. Why
, Lex?
I don’t answer. I’m not sure what happened, but something did. I swear this is so messed up. I turn my phone off. I don’t want to deal with either of them. I make us some grilled cheese sandwiches, and I spend the rest of the evening watching episode after episode of
House Hunters
with my friends. I get in bed at ten thirty. I napped on and off all day, so it’s no surprise I can’t fall asleep. I think about Julian and Luke, and then I think about Brady. I’m not good with all this jealousy stuff. I didn’t have to deal with it with Brady. Maybe because at the end I had no clue he was too busy using and cheating on me to pay much attention to what I was doing. I sleep fitfully, and when I do wake up in the morning, I’m anxious and panicky. It isn’t a good way to start the day—especially this day. It’s officially the one-year anniversary of the last night I spent with
Brady.
I go for a five-mile run and try to calm my nerves. It doesn’t help like it usually does, and all I can think about as my feet hit the pavement is that I don’t want to feel anything. I get back at ten, take a shower, and turn my phone on. I still haven’t heard from Julian. I decide to try one more time to smooth things over. Maybe if things are okay with him, I’ll feel better. I call instead of text. He answers, and I hear people in the background. He isn’t at
home.
“Hey, Ju
lian.”
“Hey, Alexa.” Not “Hey,
you.”
“What’
s up?”
“Just working.” His voice is cold. I literally feel myself starting to shut
down.
“Well then I’ll let you go, Julian. Call me when you have time to deal with me,” I say sarcasti
cally.
His response is flat. “Will do, A
lexa.”
Screw that
, I think as I hang up and turn off my phone. What the hell. I won’t be calling him again. I grab my keys and head to the mall for a mani/pedi, hoping it will help take my mind off all this drama. It doesn’t, and even hours of shopping for shoes doesn’t help. As the day goes by, I feel sadder and more anxious, and I keep watching the clock. I turn my phone on when I get back into my car and see Julian still hasn’t called. It’s already five o’clock. I was sure I would’ve heard from him by now. He’s trying to hurt me, and I don’t get it. I push back the tears and the feelings of panic that have been hiding in the shadows all day. I’m not going to be able to make it through this night alone, so I call the one person who will understand. I call Luke. He isn’t working and tells me he can meet me at my house in an
hour.
I feel better when I see Luke. I don’t have to say anything. He knows what’s going on with me and that I need him to comfort me. We sit on the couch, and I lay my head on his chest. I know what I’m doing is wrong. I should be with Julian. He should be the one comforting me. But he’s not even talking to me. He’s not here, and I need this. Luke understands me. He understands what I went through. We sit there for hours not talking. We’re both lost in the memories of this night a year ago, and as Luke strokes my hair, I let the tears
fall.
When Julian walks in at nine, he finds me on the couch with my head on a pillow in Luke’s lap. Shannon let him in, not thinking she needed to give me a warning. I haven’t really told them about the feud that’s been going on between Luke and Julian, so I can’t be upset with her. I hear Julian come in, and I sit up and move away from Luke. He looks at my tearstained face and then at Luke. His body is pulsating with anger. Shannon stays in the room, and I’m glad. I may need b
ackup.
Julian is so mad I can see the veins in his neck popping out. His voice is icy when he speaks. “If you don’t mind getting out of Luke’s lap, I’d like to talk to
you.”
Luke stands up and answers before I can. “Don’t talk to her that way, Julian. She didn’t do anything w
rong.”
Holy shit. This is bad. “It’s okay, Luke. I need to talk to Julian. Please go before this gets worse. I’ll call you later.” I look at Luke and plead with my eyes. I get up and walk toward the door, hoping he’ll follow. He shakes his
head.
“Not this time, Lex. I’m not leaving you alone a
gain.”
I freeze and look at Julian. He looks confused. Thank God Shannon jumps in. “Just go, Luke. I’m here. Lexie will be
fine.”
He relents and comes toward me. I grab his hand and walk him to the door. I give him a huge hug and tell him I’ll be okay and that I’ll call him later. As he walks out the door, he shoots Julian a deadly look. I turn around and see Julian heading down the hall to my bedroom. Shannon asks me if I’m okay, and I lie and tell her yes. I’m shaking. That was so intense. Before she goes to her room, she gives me a hug and tells me she’s sorry for letting Julian in like that. I tell her this is so not her
fault.
When I enter, Julian is pacing back and forth. My room isn’t very big, and he looks like a caged animal. I shut the door behind me and stay standing up next to the door, waiting for him to calm down. I don’t say a word because if I know anything right now, it’s that nothing I can say is going to make this okay to him. I’m not scared of him at all, but I’ve never seen him act this way, and it’s kind of freaking m
e out.
“Have you been sleeping with him, Alexa?” Okay, so he’s going to just get right to the point. “And I don’t just mean tonight.” His voice is lik
e ice.
Oh my God. He really thinks Luke and I have been sleeping together? And tonight? This is worse than I thought. I try to keep my voice steady and
calm.
“No, Julian, we haven’t slept together, ever. How many times do I need to say we’re just fri
ends?”
“Have you kissed him, Alexa? I mean really kissed. I’m being specific here because I’ve been lucky enough to see his lips touch yours more than
once.”
I can see the anger in his eyes, but I also see the hurt. He really believes Luke and I have been together recently. I’ve told him time and time again we haven’t, and I don’t know why he doesn’t believe me. We need to put this to rest al
ready.
“Yes, Julian. I’ve kissed Luke before. We hooked up when we were in college,
seven
years ago, but we didn’t sleep together.” I say this in a way I hope will calm Julian down and help him realize he has nothing to be upset about. Although I think he’s overreacting, I do want him to know he’s the only man in my
life.
“Really? And why is that? Why didn’t you sleep together, Alexa? From where I stand, it looks like Luke never misses the opportunity to get into a pretty girl’s pan
ties.”
Well obviously I’m the only one who feels the need to play nice here. I’m not happy with where this conversation is headed, and I’m not going to listen to Julian attack
Luke.
“That’s ironic, Julian. Because Luke told me the same thing about you the night we met. He actually used those words too. He told me to stay away from you because you only wanted to get into my pan
ties.”
Julian snorts in disgust. “Well, he was right, Alexa. I did want to get in your panties. At least I’m honest about what
my
intentions
were.”
“Were? Or
are
?”
He ignores my question and asks his again. “Tell me, Alexa, why didn’t you two sleep together? Were you not into one-night stands back then?” The minute Julian says those words, he crosses a line. I can’t hide the hurt or anger I
feel.
“Fuck you, Julian,” I hiss at him. “I didn’t sleep with him because he didn’t have a condom the first time we tried. I would have otherwise. And no, just like now, I have no problems with one-night stands. Actually, I’ve always preferred them. With a one-night stand, I can just get off and not have to deal with the bullshit I’ve had to deal with for the last m
onth.”
I’m really not the type of girl who has one-night stands, but I’m so hurt I want to say anything I can to either piss Julian off or hurt him back. By the look on his face, I’m doing a pretty good job. He looks positively livid. “You know what, Alexa, you can keep deflecting my original question by trying to piss me off, but you still haven’t really answere
d it.”
“Yes I did! Are you having a hard time following me? I just told you I didn’t have a co
ndom.”
I’m not sure why, but Julian changes directions, and his tone softens just a little. Maybe he knows he’s pushing this to
o far.
“Is he my competition, Alexa? Is Luke the reason why you have such a hard time letting me get close to you?” Julian’s tone has totally changed, and the way he asks me this question suggests this is something he’s reluctant to ask. I take a deep b
reath.
“No, Julian, Luke isn’t your competition. I know you’re having a hard time believing that for some reason, but it’s not like that between us. We don’t feel that way about each o
ther.”
Julian walks slowly to my bed, sits down, and puts his head in his hands. He sits silently like that for a few minutes. I walk over to the bed and sit down beside him. This day has been awful, and this situation is reminiscent of that last night with Brady. I feel myself starting to get emotional, and I fight it. I’ve already cried a bucket of tears today, and I don’t want to break down in front of Julian. Julian finally picks his head up and looks at me. His eyes, which were just so full of anger, are now soft and sad. I can’t meet his gaze and look back down at my
hands.
“Do you really not see it?” His tone is no longer confrontat
ional.
“Yes, Julian. I can see why it looks like we have feelings for each other. We’re very close, but it’s like a brother-sister t
hing.”
I hear myself saying these words, and for the first time ever they don’t sound believable, even to me. A small flicker of acknowledgement floats through my mind, but I’m not quite ready to go there. Julian shakes his head slowly and reaches up and puts his hand gently on my face. He turns my head so I’m looking directly at him. It’s the first time he’s touched me tonight, and even though we’re not in a good place at the moment, my body responds like it always does. My heart starts to beat rapidly, and I feel butterflies in my stomach. I wonder briefly if it will always feel this way when Julian touches me. That thought is followed up by the thought this may be the last time he touches me if we don’t get this all clear
ed up.
“Luke loves you, Alexa, and not in a brotherly or just-friends kind of way. You have to know that in your heart.” Julian’s voice is calm and matter of fact, as if he
knows
this information and isn’t just speculating. He won’t let me look
away.
“I know what a man in love looks like, Alexa. I know that I’m right. And so do you, even if you can’t or don’t want to admit it to me. Please at least admit it to your
self.”
Right now, at this moment, I’m unable to keep defending Luke’s and my “friendship.” It’s as if some dam has suddenly broke in my mind, and every questionable interaction between Luke and me is presenting itself to me as something different than I thought it was an hour ago. Holy hell. Have I really been this blind? Why now? Why did Julian have to make me see
this?
I mouth the word “no” and shake my
head.
“Yes, baby.” Julian continues to look at me with tenderness in his eyes. It’s breaking my heart, and I realize I’m so wrapped up in the idea of Luke actually being in love with me that I haven’t even thought about whether or not Julian thinks I feel the same way toward
Luke.
“Julian, I don’t feel that way about him. No matter how he feels. I don’t feel that way about him.” I hear myself saying these words, and I know in my heart they’re true. Whether or not I’m willing to say the words to Julian, he’s the man I’m falling in love
with.
“Please tell me you believe me,” I
plead.
Julian gently traces my lips with his fingers. “I want to, Lexie. God I wan
t to.”
I see so much vulnerability in his eyes, and it melts my heart. This man wants me to be his, only his. I am, and even if I can’t say it to him, I need to show him how much he means to me. I lean over and gently place my lips on his and give him a soft, tender kiss. He responds as if I’ve just ignited a fuse of desire in him. He grabs my head from behind, pulls me closer, and deepens the kiss. It feels like he’s drowning and needs my breath to survive. He has kissed me passionately before, but it’s never felt as if he
had
to, as if he wouldn’t survive without his lips on mine, his tongue in mouth. My whole body is completely stimulated, and I feel his need to my core. His tongue is rough and possessive, and as he licks and sucks and bites gently at my mouth, I start to melt into him. I’m so entranced by what his mouth is doing to mine I hardly realize he has scooted me up toward the head of my bed. While still kissing me, Julian pulls my shorts and panties down in one quick motion and tosses them on the floor next to my bed. He breaks our connection for a moment while he stands up and takes his pants off. He’s rock hard, and as he crawls back onto the bed, I feel the heat of his erection on my leg. Julian always makes sure I’m wet and ready to take him all in comfortably before he enters me. He also usually makes sure I orgasm first as well, either with the help of his fingers or his magical tongue. But tonight he has no patience, and I see that the considerate lover I’m used to has been replaced by a man who is beyond his threshold of control. Julian spreads my legs with one hand and guides himself into me with the other. I gasp as he plunges deep into me with one thrust. In the back of my mind, it registers he isn’t wearing a condom, and irresponsible as it is, I don’t care and don’t stop him. He needs this, and I need this. I want to be as close to this man as I possibly can be. I want him to touch every part of my soul, and with each thrust, I feel him staking his claim
on me.
I look up at him and am surprised to find his eyes are closed. He usually makes love to me with his eyes open. I love that he does that because I feel like it deepens our connection. Right now though, he seems to be lost in his own world as he plunges his hard shaft into me in a punishing rhythm. He’s trying to tell me something with his body. I wrap my legs around his waist, grab his ass with both of my hands, and try to take him as deep as I can. My sex opens up wider, and he growls as he presses even fu
rther.
Julian’s breath is labored, and he’s panting hard. He opens his eyes and finally looks at me. “
Eres mia
, Lexie? Tell me you’re mine, only mine.” Julian asks me this in a pleading tone. He keeps thrusting into me as he waits for my res
ponse.
I lock my eyes on him and try to send everything I’m feeling in my heart through my
stare.
“Yes, Julian. I. Am. Yours. Only yours.” I want to tell him I love him, but I just
can’t.
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I feel Julian start pumping himself into me. He says my name repeatedly as his orgasm overtakes him. I feel him start to tremble as feelings of ecstasy rack his body. He’s coming apart in front of me, and I feel my heart swell with love as I watch and feel this man literally pour himself into me. He doesn’t stop or slow down until he has given me every last drop of him. Julian lowers himself onto me as the last embers of his orgasm fade away. He’s heavy, but I love the feel of his sweat-covered body pressing against every inch of mine. After a few minutes, he rolls off of me. He pulls me into a sitting position and quickly takes my shirt and bra off. He removes his own, leaving us both naked. He lies back down on his side and pulls me to him so we’re spooning. He wraps his arm tightly around me and holds me close. I feel his heart beating rapidly against my back. I thread my fingers through his and clasp his hand tight. We don’t speak, and I’m okay with that. I think we probably have done enough talking for one night. Julian’s breathing starts to slow down, and I think he may be falling asleep. This has been an exhausting day for me and an exhausting night for both of us. I’m ready to leave it behind, and I’m glad to be in Julian’s arms. Things definitely were headed in a different direction just a few hours ago. I take a deep breath in and slowly exhale, pushing all the tension I’ve been feeling out of my body. His presence is soothing. I find myself wondering if I should have just let Julian be there for me today. If I would’ve told him about Brady, I know he would have been. I know he would understand why I’ve been acting so crazy. He’d understand about Luke too. I know I’m going to have to tell him
soon.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” Julian isn’t a
sleep.
“So am I, Julian.” I squeeze his hand ti
ghter.
“I didn’t mean the one-night stand com
ment.”
“I know.” And I do
know.