Authors: Hilary Wynne
“And I’m sorry I didn’t take care of you tonight. You should always come first. I just couldn’t stop myself. I needed to be inside of you right then. And I’m sorry about not using a condom. I just wanted to feel all of you.” Julian sounds like a little boy who has gotten in trouble for acting mischi
evous.
“Please stop apologizing, Julian. This is my f
ault.”
“No, Lexie. This is our fault. We’ll figure it out. We hav
e to.”
I roll over and face him. I kiss him softly. “Tell me you know you’re the only man in my life, Julian. We need to deal with all of the other stuff that happened this weekend too, but we have to start there. You need to believe
that.”
Julian squeezes my hand and says he needs to tell me a few things about Luke. I’m hesitant and tell him so, but he thinks it will explain a lot of things, so I let him. I spend the next hour listening, in shock, to Julian telling me in detail how, for the past month, Luke has done everything he possibly could to make Julian believe I was seeing him as well and that we were way more than friends. Apparently, Luke has been telling people at the hotel we’ve been together for years but that we have an open relationship. Julian explains how Luke made sure he knew he was with me that other night, and tonight as well. Luke knows they all talk, and he started texting other staff members, knowing it would get back to Julian. It’s so hard to believe, but I see Julian is telling me the
truth.
“Why didn’t you tell me this was going on, Julian?” I know the answer, but I ask a
nyway.
“I tried. Several times. You didn’t want to hea
r it.”
That’s true. He did try to tell me. “It’s so hard to believe he’d do that, but I know you wouldn’t lie to me about this. I don’t understand. None of what he said is true, Julian. I’ve been completely honest with you about our relationship. I s
wear.”
“He’s in love with you, Lexie. It’s simple. People do crazy things when they’re in
love.”
We lie there for a while in each other’s arms, privately processing the events of the night. My head is about to explode. I’m having such a hard time taking it all in. This is Luke we’re talking about. How could he do this to me? As I drift off to sleep, the reality that all of this present drama in my life has pushed the past back into the shadows isn’t lost on me. It’s ironic really. I started this day burdened with memories of the past, and I’m going to sleep worried about what the future
holds.
I’m off on Monday, but Julian has to go in. He wants me to hang out at the hotel so we can see each other, but I pass. I tell him I plan on talking to Luke today, and he tries to talk me out of it. I finally convince him I have to, and he makes me promise to call him afterward. We also make plans to spend the evening together. I’m hopeful we have turned a corner and can really move forwar
d now.
All I can think about is Luke, and maybe that’s a good thing. Brady is a distant second right now. Oddly, I can’t get ahold of him all day. I text and call him and start to think he’s avoiding me. Around five o’clock, I decide to just go to his house. I’m not sure if he’s working or not, and I need to do this today. He answers the door with a beer in his hand, and it’s obvious it’s not his first. He doesn’t seem surprised to see me and lets me in. I walk in and ask why he has been ignoring my calls and
texts.
“Because I don’t want to deal with your shitty life today, Alexa. It just causes me g
rief.”
Wow. So that’s how this is going to go down. I get right to the point. “So when did you decide to try and start ruining my shitty life, Luke?” I know I sound dramatic, but I’m so hurt by what Julian told me last night. I don’t share details though. I wait to see how this plays out. I want him to admit what he’s been
doing.
“I’m ruining your life? That’s rich. This guy is totally going to break your heart, and you have your head so far in the clouds you can’t even see it. You aren’t living in a fairytale where this is going to have a happy ending, Lex. Not with this guy.” Luke responds me to very defensively, and I’m not surprised with his take on the situation. He has been trying to keep me away from Julian since da
y one.
“Well right now, you’re the one who’s breaking my heart, Luke.
You
. I’ve never seen you act like this before. I don’t even know who you are la
tely.”
“I’m me, Lexie. I’m the same guy who has been taking care of you and protecting you from getting hurt. I’m the same guy who comforted you last night when Julian was too busy for you. As a matter of fact, it feels like that’s
all
I’ve been doing for the last fucking
year.”
“Well I didn’t realize it was so much of a fucking chore for you to be my friend, Luke. You deserve a medal for taking care of the broken girl. Feel free to take off the knight in shining armor costume now, because I. Am.
Fine!”
“My God, Lexie. You don’t get it, do
you?”
“I guess not, Luke. Why don’t you explain it to me, seeing as you think you have all the ans
wers?”
We’re talking in circles and alternating between being calm and being on the offensive. It’s a strange little dance we’re doing, and because this is totally new territory, neither of us is on solid fo
oting.
“It tore me up to watch what you went through with Brady and after Brady. It seriously broke my heart.” I hear the anguish in Luke’s voice when he brings up Brady. It’s such a painful topic for both
of us.
“I know, Luke. I understand it was really hard for you too, and you’ve been such a great friend to me. But Julian isn’t Brady, and you can’t keep trying to sabotage my relationship with him. I’m happy, and you’re trying to rui
n it.”
He shakes his head. “Do you really not know why I’m acting like this? Why I’m having such a hard time seeing you with
him?”
I do know, and I can’t believe this is finally about to come out into the open after all these years. I really don’t want to hear it because I know in my heart there will be no going back from here and that the friendship we’ve shared for the last seven years is about to be irrevocably changed. But I know this has to happen now because if things keep going the way they have been lately, I’ll end up hating Luke, and I would do anything to prevent that from happ
ening.
Before I can answer his question, Luke continues. “He’s not the one for you,
Lex.”
“Why, Luke? Why isn’t Julian the one for me?” I know the answer, but I ask a
nyway.
“Because
I’m
the one for you. Me. I’m the one you’re supposed to end up with. I’m your happily ever after.” There’s so much conviction in his voice that I’m 100 percent sure Luke believes everything he’s saying
to me.
Before I can even get a word out, Luke walks over to me, pulls me tightly into his arms, and kisses me with the stored-up passion of seven years. The familiarity I feel with Luke works against me, and I find myself wrapping my arms around his waist and falling into his kiss. His tongue is soft and gentle, and I really can feel the love he has for me coming through. I feel completely conflicted, and for a moment my body operates without my mind or heart’s permission. I know I need to stop. I need to stop doing this because I know deep in my heart I’ve found my soul mate in Julian and that if I continue kissing Luke like this, all I’m going to accomplish is to hurt both of them. I push him away and take two steps
back.
“Stop, Luke. This is wrong.” I shake my head and put my hands up as he steps back toward me. He looks surprised but
stops.
“Wrong, Lexie? Did that feel wrong to you? Because nothing in my life has felt as right as kissing you does. The first time it was right, and it was right now too. You know it. You felt it. Don’t you dare den
y it!”
The truth is it did feel good to kiss Luke. There’s passion and chemistry and even love between us, and maybe before I had met Julian it would have been enough. It may have even been great. But Julian is able to reach my soul with his touch, and I know in my heart I’ll never feel that way about
Luke.
“Luke, I’m with Julian. You know that. You know how I feel about
him.”
“Well, let me be honest here. I don’t give a shit about Julian.
I love you
, Lexie Reed. I’m in love with you, and after that kiss, there’s no doubt in my mind you have feelings for me
too.”
“Luke, I do love you. You’re right about that, but I’m not in love with you. I don’t think you’re in love with me either.” I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince, him or me. I con
tinue.
“I think you’ve mistaken friendship, loyalty, and yes, attraction for romantic love. I don’t think it’s real, Luke. What you think you feel for me, it’s not real.” I say these things in a last-ditch attempt to save our frien
dship.
He’s insulted. “Are you seriously going to stand there and tell me how I feel about you? How dare you just blow this off like I’m some guy with a
crush
on you.” He’s really yelling at me now. “I fucking
know
you, Lexie. I know you, and I know how I feel about you.” He tries to keep going, but I interrup
t him.
“And I really know you too, Luke. You don’t have the market covered on insight into this relationship. I’ve been watching you fuck your way around Florida for years now. I’ve been standing right in front of you the whole time, and now, when I’m finally in a good relationship, you decide to dump this all on me and tell me you’re in love with me. It’s bullshit. You just don’t want me to need another man. It might ruin your hero reputation.” I’m pissed at him that he has made the choice to ruin our friendship, and I lash
back.
“Really, Alexa? Have you already forgotten about all the ‘relationships’ I’ve watched you jump in and out of over the years now? Have you already forgotten Brady? I was nothing but supportive of that fucking train wreck of a relation
ship.”
Okay. Here
we go.
“Yeah, and maybe you were so supportive because you introduced me to the conductor of that ‘fucking train wreck.’ Don’t mistake guilt for support, Luke. I did for a while, but I figured out a long time ago that most of what you feel for me is based on guilt. Your need to ‘protect’ me now comes from your guilt over not protecting me then. I’ve told you a million times, none of what went down was your f
ault.”
“I tell you I’m in love with you, and you tell me I just feel guilty about what Brady did?” I hear a double meaning in that question but decide not to probe further. Luke switches his line of questioning when I fail to re
spond.
“Do you question Julian’s feelings, Alexa? Because I know he doesn’t really know you well enough to care about you like I do. You guys have been together for like what, five minutes, and if I know anything about you, it’s that you’re not a big sharer when it comes to your past. You still haven’t told him about Brady, have you? Does he know your nightmares are really flashbacks? Does he know you see a shrink every week, and have for a year?” Luke is taking this conversation somewhere it really shouldn’t go, and I need to sto
p him.
“Now you’re just being ugly, Luke. Does it make you feel better to point out all of my flaws?” I try to hide the hurt in my voice because this person in front of me, this Luke that I don’t even know, seems ready, willing, and able, to exploit my vulnerab
ility.
He answers me with a snide tone. “
I
have no problem with any of your flaws, Alexa. That’s exactly what I’m trying to make you understand. I love you, flaws and all. Can you say that about Julian? How serious can he be about you when he doesn’t even know you? Your refusal to answer my earlier question was answer enough. You haven’t told him
shit
.”
Luke’s words are like a dagger through my heart. He’s right. I haven’t told Julian anything substantial about Brady. I’m scared he won’t feel the same way about me if he knows all the ugly stuff from my past. Luke knows that, and he’s using it against me. I understand he’s hurt by my rejection, but the backlash I’m getting is way more severe than I ever could’ve imagined. This man who says he loves me is breaking my
heart.
“Julian
doesn’t
know me like you do, Luke. Not yet. You and I have been best
friends
for seven years. We have a ton of history together. But we’re getting to know each other, and I’ve been opening up to him. He’s a good guy, Luke, and he does care about me. I’m sorry you can’t see that and be happy fo
r me.”
“I’m not sure how I’m supposed to be supportive of the guy who is with the girl
I
want.
I
want to be the one holding you, touching you, and making you happy.” My Luke is back for a second and says those words tenderly. I really don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t let him think there’s any chance of us being together. It’s not fair t
o him.
“You do make me happy, Luke. You’re a fantastic friend, and I don’t want things to change between us.” My words sound like a plea, and as I’m saying them, I know I’m wasting my breath. Everything has already changed, and I know there will be no going
back.
“Well, I guess I had it all wrong, Alexa. I must not really know you at all.” Luke’s tone is ice-cold again. “You really are going to choose someone you just met ove
r me?”
I nod my head slowly in response. I’ve chosen Julian, and I really am growing tired of Luke making me feel bad about it. He has had seven years to tell me how he
feels.
Luke continues his tirade. “I’ve done
everything
for you. I fucking waited all this time for you to be ready. I waited to share my feelings because I wanted to make sure I could be the guy you deserve. I wasn’t that guy in college, and I’ve been working on becoming that guy every day since the first night we hooked up. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’ve been trying to get all my shit straight so we could have a future. What a fucking waste of my time you’ve
been.”
I seriously can’t believe he just said the last seven years have been a waste of his time. Our friendship has been so precious to me, and I can’t believe he’s ending it like this. His words are like a slap in the face, and I feel the sting in my heart. The tears I’ve been holding back this whole time start to run down my cheeks. He ignores my hurt and continues his verbal as
sault.
His next words drip with venom. “Oh stop fucking crying, Alexa. You don’t even really feel bad. Maybe you’re the one who feels guilty. You’ve been stringing me along for years, and now you’re acting like the victim. But hey, you do play that role ni
cely.”
“Please stop, Luke. You don’t mean any of this. You’re just hurt and drunk.” I’m begging him to stop, and the tears just keep coming h
arder.
“Oh, I’ve meant
everything
I’ve said, Alexa. I just poured my heart out to you, and you fucking broke it. If that makes you feel bad, tough shit. You did this. You can ow
n it.”
I’ve heard enough, and I need to get out of here. I stand up and head toward the door. I’m speechless. Luke is using everything he knows about me against me. It’s as if he’s decided that if we can’t love each other, we’ll hate each other instead. And just when I think there’s nothing worse Luke could say to me, he unleashes the worst type of hurt imagi
nable.
“Before you leave, Alexa, know this. When Julian finds out who you really are deep down and learns about how damaged you really are both emotionally and
physically
, don’t come running back to me looking for a shoulder to cry on. I won’t be
here.”
His emphasis on the word physically stops me cold in my tracks. Oh. My. God. He
knows.
I turn and face him and whisper, “You know?” Even after a year, I still can’t say the word out loud. Luke, on the other hand, has no problem with the
word.
“What, that Brady raped you?” He shrugs his shoulders. His eyes are hard and dark. “Yes, I know. I’ve always known.” His tone implies we’re talking about something as casual as the we
ather.