Authors: Hilary Wynne
I’m looking forward to my session with Ellen today. She gives me a big hug and smile when I walk into her office. I take off my shoes and settle into her big, comfy brown couch. I know she can tell by my energy I really need to
talk.
“How are you, L
exie?”
“Shitty, Ellen, but you already know that.” She smiles, and I love that I can be honest wit
h her.
“I know this is a rough time of year for you.” I started seeing Ellen at the end of the summer last year, a few months after Brady
died.
“Yeah. And I’m not dealing very well with all the memories I’m ha
ving.”
“Are you having nightmares? Or flashb
acks?”
“I’ve had a few nightmares lately.” Or every other night this week, I think, but I don’t offer that up. I refuse to acknowledge my memories as flashbacks. I don’t have PTSD or anything like that. Ellen knows my feelings about this and doesn’t
push.
“What are the nightmares about?” I’m not sure why she asks. We’ve gone over this b
efore.
“Same as usual.” Most of my current nightmares are a variation of me trying to tell Brady I forgive him for that night. I beg him to listen and tell him that it’s very important that he knows I forgive him. I keep telling him everything is going to be okay and that we’re going to be fine. In most of the dreams, he’s lying down with his back to me, and I keep shaking him trying to get his attention. He never responds. When I first started having these dreams, I would wake up screaming in frustration. Now I just wake up crying or in a cold sweat. I guess that’s pro
gress.
I know exactly what these dreams mean, and I don’t think it takes a PhD to figure i
t out.
“Obviously you’re still feeling guilty about not forgiving Brady before he died. Lexie, we have gone over and over this. Brady overdosed. He was an addict and an alcoholic, and that was not your fault. It was also not your fault he chose to swallow a deadly amount of pills and wash it all down with a bottle of whiskey. You didn’t make him do anything else he did that night or any other night during your relation
ship.”
Anything else he did that night? Ellen is looking right at me and challenging me with her eyes and words. We have become very close over the last eight months, and I know when she doesn’t believe me. She has always suspected there’s more to this story than I’ve shared with her. She never forces me to talk about things I don’t want to, but she does push my comfort boundaries on a regular basis. She has a good bullshit detector, and it’s going off right now. I’ll give her a little bit of what she wants to hear from me so we can stop the fishing exped
ition.
“I know none of it’s my fault. I didn’t deserve for him to treat me like he did. And although I know I didn’t help the situation by enabling and participating in a lot of the partying, I do know it was his choice. I feel guilty because he tried to talk to me and get me to forgive him, and I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t talk to him. I wouldn’t listen. And now he’s dead, and it all seems so pointless. I feel like so much bad shit was going on in his life and that I should have been the one good thing.” I’ve said all of this to Ellen before. Almost verbatim. She’s not buyi
ng it.
“All that bad shit that was happening in his life was because he was an addict, Lexie. Do you think if you would have forgiven him, he would still be here today? That he would have stopped using? Because from everything you’ve told me, he was very much in denial about his addiction, and very deep into it. He wasn’t going to change overnight because you forgave him. You didn’t have that kind of power over him. I’m sorry to say it like that because I know you two loved each other, but his choices were
not
about your actions or reactions. He could have chosen to get clean and earn your forgive
ness.”
Ellen isn’t usually so harsh when she talks about Brady. I guess after all this time the kid gloves are coming off. She’s making me uncomfortable, but that’s what usually happens when my skewed perceptions of things collide with reality. I’ve been looking down while she’s talking to me. I’m trying to fend off the hurt, sadness, anger, and acceptance that are racing through me. I want to look up and tell her she just doesn’t understand how I feel and that I
know
I could have changed him if I had more time—if he wouldn’t have died. But deep down, I know it’s bullshit. I’ve lived with my guilt over Brady’s death for so long now it has become like an old, ratty sweatshirt. It’s dirty and torn and doesn’t fit right anymore, but it’s familiar to my body, and it’s comfor
table.
“I guess I’ll never know what my forgiveness would have meant to him.” I look up at her with tears in my eyes and whisper the words. What I do know with absolute certainty is that it’s the unknowing that has me stuck and unable to really let go of the
guilt.
Ellen sees I’m processing everything she just said and decides to take the subject down a different path. “Have you shared any of this with Julian? You keep telling me he can read you so well. I’m curious if he’s questioning your moods or your nightmares.” Oh yeah, Julian. That’s a whole other
issue.
“No, I haven’t told Julian anything about Brady, but I know I’m going to have to pretty soon. I’ve had two nightmares in front of him this week, and I won’t tell him what’s going on. He’s losing patience with me. The only thing in my favor is that I’ve been a basket-case since day one, so he hasn’t grown too accustomed to normal Lexie yet, whoever that is.” I try to joke my way through this conversation, but if I know Ellen, she isn’t going to let me take my secret hoarding so li
ghtly.
“Lexie, do you see yourself having a lasting, meaningful relationship with Ju
lian?”
“Do I see it, or do I want it? Those are too very different questions.” She’ll be getting frustrated with me very quickly if I keep this up. I’m feeling defensive and vulnerable, and when that happens, I become a master at deflection. Ironically Julian has already figured that out about me and has called me out more than a few
times.
“They can be, but they don’t have to be. Your negative view of your value in this relationship absolutely has the power to end things between you and Julian. It sounds like he’s making a real effort to get to know you, and I’m sure you’re not making it easy on him.” Wow, she just hit the nail on the head. I guess that’s why she sits in the chair, and I sit on the
couch.
“Well, the way I look at it, it’s pretty much a doubled-edged sword. I don’t tell him anything about me and why I’m acting so crazy, and he gets frustrated and bails on the broken girl. Or I tell him all this crap, and he bails because he doesn’t want to deal with all of the broken girl’s
crap.”
“Lexie, why do you think you’re broken?” Ellen looks at me with sadness in her
eyes.
I answer honestly. “Because nothing has really felt right since Brady died. Maybe even a little earlier, when things were starting to spiral out of control. I feel like something’s missing, in me, inside.” I feel a tear escape and roll down my cheek. I don’t even try to wipe it away. “And no matter how great my job is or how awesome my friends and family are, something in me feels like it was broken as a result of my relationship with Brady. All of you have tried to tape and glue me back together, but a piece of my soul is broken beyond repair, and although I’m trying so hard to change, I know I’ll never be the same Alexa I was be
fore.”
After all these months, that may be the most honest I’ve been with Ellen and with myself. I’ve analyzed my and Brady’s relationship with my inner circle over and over, and no matter what anybody says, I still feel this way. I made so many poor decisions and put myself in more than one really bad situation. I know this is why I question my judgment in regard to my relationship with J
ulian.
“Lexie, you’re not broken. I know you don’t believe me, but you really have all the tools you need to have a successful and happy relationship. You just need to be ready to accept that someone can love you because of, and despite, your
past.”
I’m crying a little harder now as our session comes to an end, but I feel a sense of relief that I’ve at least admitted one of my biggest fears. However, I still wish I had the strength to be 100 percent honest with Ellen, or with anyone else about my feelings. I’m still hiding some major stuff from everyone, and although deep down I know I need to get it out to move on, I’m not ready or strong enough to head down that road yet. “Thank you, Ellen. I’m working on it. I have a way to go, but I’m getting there.” I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. “I just wish I knew how I was going to get through the next few w
eeks.”
I call Julian on my way home from Ellen’s. He’s still at work, and it sounds like he’s in the middle of something. He tries not to be rude, but I can tell he’s busy. He promises to call later, and we get off quickly. I’m actually hoping my roommates are home when I get there, but they’re both out too. Despite my better judgment, I decide to text Luke and see what he’s
up to.
Alexa:
What time do you have to be at work to
night?
Luke:
Not working tonig
ht. Y?
Alexa:
Want to come
over?
Luke:
Sure. See yo
u soon
I know this isn’t a good idea. Things between Luke and I have been weird for weeks, but I want to see him. I’m feeling like I need to talk to someone. He shows up thirty minutes later. I’m sitting in the living room drinking my second glass of wine when he comes in. He takes one look at my face and knows something
is up.
“What’s up, Lex. You look like
hell.”
“Hey, Luke. That’s nice. Appreciat
e it.”
“You look exhausted. And sad. What’s w
rong?”
“I’m tired and sad. This week is sucking for me in a big
way.”
He looks hesitant to ask but does anyway. “Julian … or B
rady?”
I knew he would get it. “Both. I’m being bombarded with memories of Brady, and I’ve had three nightmares in the last week. I can’t stop thinking about
him.”
Luke comes and sits by me. “Me either, Lex. I’ve been thinking about him a lot too. I miss
him.”
I look at Luke, and for the first time in months, I think about him, not me, in regards to how this is all affecting him. They were friends their whole
life.
“I want to remember good things, Luke, and I can’t. There were good things though, right? I didn’t make that up?” I think that if I can remember some of the good things, maybe I’ll be able to push the bad memorie
s out.
“No, Lex. There were good things. A lot of good things. But there was so much bad too. I know how hard this is for you, and I wish I could say something to make it be
tter.”
“Knowing you get it helps more than you know, Luke. I feel like you’re the only one who really underst
ands.”
Luke hugs me, and I let him. “I’m here for you, Lex. I know things have been weird lately, but I’m here for
you.”
I pull back after a few moments and take a drink of my wine. “You want a g
lass?”
Luke gets up and goes to the kitchen. He comes back with a beer and the bottle I opened earlier. He refills my almost empty glass. “Want to talk about Ju
lian?”
“Yes. But do you want li
sten?”
He laughs a sarcastic laugh. “Not really, but I will. I miss talking to you, Lex, and if I have to hear about Julian, I’ll try to suck i
t up.”
“Good, because I miss talking to you too. I hate that me being with him has caused problems between us, and I’m not really even sure why, but I’m glad you’re willing to li
sten.”
Luke sits back down next to me on the couch. “So what’s up? How are things g
oing?”
“It depends on the day or night really. Things could be really good if I’d let
them.”
“And why don’t you let
them?”
I’m starting to feel a little buzzed after my two and a half glasses of wine, and it’s loosening
me up.
“For all the reasons you can imagine. I don’t know for sure if I can trust him. I’m scared to let him get close to me. I’m worried when he finds out about all the Brady stuff he may feel different abou
t me.”
Luke is clearly surprised by this. “You haven’t told him about Brady? How have you managed to avoid that t
opic?”
I shrug. “I haven’t really managed it at all. I’ve had two nightmares and a panic attack around him. He knows something’s up. He just doesn’t know
what.”
“He doesn’t
ask?”
“Every day. I just keep making excuses and changing the sub
ject.”
“And he lets you?” Luke looks even more surprised when I admit Julian hasn’t been able to crack my emotional vault cod
e yet.
“Let me? Luke, you know me. Nobody really lets me do anything. I kind of do what I
want.”
That makes him chuckle. “True, Lex, but I’ve spent enough time around Julian at work to know that he likes and expects things when he wants them and how he wants them. He isn’t the type of guy who gives pa
sses.”
It’s my turn to be surprised. Obviously I know they work together, but I guess I didn’t think their paths crossed that much. “Well, he gives me passes all the time. He has been ridiculously patient with me. I’m totally over me, but he keeps hanging in there. I would’ve bailed by
now.”
“I’m happy to hear he’s treating you good, Lex. I’ve been worried about
that.”
“He treats me better than I treat him, Luke.” I haven’t been fair to Julian, and I kn
ow it.
Luke gets up and walks to the kitchen to grab another beer. I guess we’re done talking for now. I pour another glass of wine knowing that I’m going to be paying for it in the morning, and not caring. I’m operating on very little sleep too, but I feel relaxed right now, and I needed the
wine.
Luke stays until about eleven o’clock, and we watch one of the
Fast and Furious
movies on HBO. When Luke sees I’m falling asleep, he gets up to leave. He bends over to give me a kiss good-bye and whispers in my ear. “You are totally worth waiting for, Lexie. Julian would be a fool to let you go without a fight.” His words are sweet, and I can’t help but feel they’re also very per
sonal.
I don’t want to sleep on the couch, so I head unsteadily to my room. Wow. I’m buzzed. I had left my phone in there charging and pick it up before I go to sleep. I have a missed call and voicemail from Julian. “Hey, you. It’s nine thirty. I just got home. I’m missing you. Cal
l me.”
I call him back, and he answers right away. “Hey,
baby.”
“Hey back. How are
you?”
“Lonely … and a little horny. I wish you were here in my
bed.”
I giggle. “My bed is feeling kind of big
too.”
“How was your night,
corazón
?” I know he wants to know about my session with Ellen, but I’m not interested in talking about
that.
“Mellow. Just hung out here and had a few glasses of wine.” I leave out the part where Luke join
ed me.
“Hmm … so you’re buzzed huh? Too bad I’m not there to enjoy
that.”
“You can come over.” I extend the invitation but doubt he’ll come. I’m
right.
“I wish, baby. I have to get up really early tomorrow. Busy day at work, and I want to work out f
irst.”
“I can help you get a work out tonight so you can sleep in.” I know I’m teasing him, and it’
s fun.
“You are a bad girl, Lexie. That’s not fair. I’m actually more than a little horny, and your teasing isn’t hel
ping.”
“I’m not teasing, Julian. My offer is legit. But if you insist on staying home, I can offer some other services that may help you with your is
sues.”
“Okay, Alexa. I’
m in.”
I don’t miss a beat. “Yes, Julian, you’re in. You’re deep in me, and I feel your hard dick all the way to my core. You feel so good, and I want you to fuck me hard until you come, Julian. Can you do that for me? Can you fuck me all night
long?”
I hear his sharp intake of breath, and I know I’ve shocked him. “Oh my God, Lexie. You’re something else, baby. Yes, I can fuck you all night long, and I’m going to keep my dick inside of you until you can’t take it anymore. I want you screaming my name when you come for me, Lexie.” Wow. What did I just
start?
The conversation that follows is totally X-rated and totally hot, and after about twenty minutes of us telling each other what we want to do to each other along with some self-stimulation, Julian and I have both come. Holy hell. I’ve never done that before, and I’m wondering why. I have no problem talking dirty, but it’s usually in the moment and when I’m actually having sex. This was over the phone and across miles and erotic as
hell.
We’re both quiet for a moment as we catch our breath. Julian speaks first. “You’re amazing, Lexie. That was totally unexpected and totally
hot.”
I laugh. “I guess if the real estate thing doesn’t work out, I can always become a sex line phone oper
ator.”
Julian laughs back. “Well you’re certainly qualified, but I’d prefer if you don’t talk to any other men that way. Save that all for me,
cor
azón
.”
“Right back at you, Ju
lian.”
“You’re coming over after work tomorrow, r
ight?”
“Uh huh. Should I meet you at home or the h
otel?”
“Meet me at home. I’ll be there by seven. Be naked. We’re going to bring that little phone scene to the big screen tomo
rrow.”
My body tingles at his words. “Your house, your rules, Ju
lian.”
That makes him chuckle. “Goodnight, baby. Dream abou
t me.”
“Goodnight, Ju
lian.”
I hang up the phone and fall asleep thinking about J
ulian.