Authors: Hilary Wynne
“How?” I want to know if he guessed or if Brady actually admitted it t
o him.
“Brady told me. How else would I know? You sure as shit didn’t tell me anything. You’re supposed to be my best friend,
and you didn’t share with me. No, you just let me believe that he was begging for forgiveness for hitting you that night and for cheating on you. He fucking needed your forgiveness, Alexa, and you denied him.” Luke is literally snarling at me, and I swear I’m looking at a stranger. I have no idea who this person in front of me is. “I’ve known the whole time, and I’ve waited for you to tell me. It’s been a whole year, and you still can’t talk about it. You can’t even say the word
rape
, can you? You’re still all fucked up, Alexa. You’re just the only one who doesn’t see it. But give Julian some time. He’s a smart guy. He’ll get sick of your drama really soon. And you’ll be alone a
gain.”
Luke might as well have just punched me in the stomach. I literally can’t breathe. I don’t even try to hide the hurt in my eyes when I look at him. I want him to see what he just did to me. He can own the fact that he just torpedoed a seven-year relationship and ripped my heart out in the pr
ocess.
“So you want to bring up Brady, huh? Well, let me finish this conversation the same way I finished my last one with him. I’ll
never ever
forgive you for
this.”
I grab my purse and run out of the house. Thank goodness I left my door unlocked and am able to quickly get inside my car. I’m having a hard time finding my keys in my purse and end up dumping it all over my front seat looking for them. I really shouldn’t be driving. I can hardly see through my tears, but I need to get away from his house even if I just go around the corner. I pull over at a park a few blocks away. I turn the car off, put my head on the steering wheel, and let the sobs I’ve been holding back just consume my body. I’m not sure how long I stay there like that, but it must be for a while because when I finally look up it’s dusk. I glance at the clock on the dashboard. Holy shit. It’s almost seven thirty. I got to Luke’s at around five thirty and was there for about an hour. I’ve been sitting in my car crying for an hour. I find it odd I haven’t heard my phone ring once. A moment of panic races through me as I realize I’ve either left my phone at Luke’s or I’ve had it on silent. I promised everyone I wouldn’t do that anymore. I dig through all the crap I dumped out of my purse, and I’m relieved to see my phone sitting on the seat. I’m scared to look at it, but I enter my security code a
nyway.
Oh no. Fifteen missed calls and texts. Julian, Marissa, and Shannon have all been trying to get a hold of me for the past two hours. I turn my car on and start heading home. I set the phone to Bluetooth and call Marissa first. Most of the calls were fro
m her.
She answers on the first ring. “Where the hell are you, Lexie? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for over an hour. Luke texted me and said you and him got into a huge fight and that you ran out of his house crying.” She sounds so worried, and I feel even worse, if that’s pos
sible.
“I’m on my way home. I’ll be there in twenty minutes, and I’ll tell you everything. Can you let Shannon know? She called and texted me a few times
too.”
“Okay, but are you all right? You sound awful.” The concern is so evident in her voice, and I love her f
or it.
“No, not really.” I try to cut the phone call short because I need to call Julian. There were several calls and texts from him as well, and I don’t need to read them to know he’s freaking out too. Marissa confirms my suspi
cions.
“Lex, you really need to call Julian. He called me after he couldn’t get a response from you. He said he texted you a few times and that you and him were supposed to meet up. He’s even been here looking for you. He told me you were planning on seeing Luke today. I tried to get a hold of Luke, and he didn’t answer his phone either. I didn’t know anything until he called.” The words just keep pouring out of Marissa in a rush, and I feel horrible she’s been so worried and has had to deal with Julian too. “I told Julian I had no idea where you were, and he’s freaking out. I tried to reassure him you were fine, but I wasn’t very convincing because after Luke called, I was freaking out
too.”
“It’s okay, Mari. Let me go so I can call him. I’ll see you in a few minutes.” Before I get a chance to dial Julian’s number, I see his face pop up on my caller ID. I take a very deep breath and try to steady my voice. I know he’s worried, and I don’t want to make it
worse.
“Hey, you.” I say it softly and brace myself for what’s headed m
y way.
“My God, Lexie. Are you okay? Where the hell are you? Nobody has been able to find you for hours.” He sounds out of breath and pan
icked.
“I’m fine, Julian, and I’m almost home. I’m so sorry I worried you.” I think my voice sounds steady, but apparently I’m not fooling a
nyone.
“That’s okay, baby. I’m just glad you’re all right.” He hears me choke back a sob. “Are you okay? You sound like you’re crying.” I honestly didn’t think I had anything left inside of me, but the concern in Julian’s voice unlocks the floodgates again, and I start sobbing so hard I can’t talk. “What the hell is going on, Lexie?” He sounds so wo
rried.
I pull into my driveway and open my mouth to answer him, but before the words come out, I see his car pull up behind mine. I hang up my phone. He must have been out looking for me. I really, really don’t want him to see me like this, but there’s no way out of this mess. I turn the car off, and before I can even unbuckle my seat belt, Julian is opening the door and taking me in his arms. He reaches down and unbuckles my belt for me. As he kneels beside the car, I wrap my arms around him, lay my head on his chest, and continue to sob. After a few minutes, he takes the keys from the ignition and pulls me gently from the car. He shuts and locks the door behind me and leans me up against it. He puts his hand under my chin and forces me to look at him. I can only imagine what I look like. I’ve been crying for over an hour, and I must have makeup running all down my cheeks. Concern and confusion are written all over his face. He looks me up and down as if to see if I’m physically harmed and takes a deep breath when he sees that I’m intact. Well, at least on the outside. Inside, my heart is shattered in a million little pieces. Julian kisses me softly on the lips, takes my hand, and leads me into my house. Marissa is standing by the door, and I know she was watching this all go down. She gives me a huge hug when I walk by her and whispers in my ear, “It’s going to be okay.” I shake my head no because I don’t think it’s going to be okay. I can’t answer her through my
sobs.
I tell myself I’m crying because of what happened between Luke and me, but if I’m going to be honest, I need to acknowledge that I’m crying because the fact, the truth, that I was raped by my now dead ex-boyfriend is out in the universe. Someone else knows, and I was just forced to admit it out loud. I’ve told myself for a year if I didn’t tell anyone, then I could pretend it never happened. Luke officially ripped that Band-Aid off tonight, and the wound he revealed is a huge, gaping one. I’m terrified that now that it’s exposed it will never stop ble
eding.
Julian picks me up and carries me to my bedroom. He lays me down on the bed and lies behind me. He pulls me close to him and holds me tightly. I can’t stop crying. I’ve talked about Brady and most of the bad stuff with my friends, with Ellen, and with my family. I’ve shed tears too, but I’ve always managed to keep my emotions under relative control and for the most part private. I thought I had done a good job working through all of it. I didn’t realize, until this very moment, that no matter how hurt I thought I was, I had never really
felt
the pain of the rape and his death. Everyone kept telling me I was strong, and I took comfort in the fact that I kept it all together. The storm surge of feelings racking my body right now proves that I never really dealt with anything a
t all.
Adding to the horribleness of the situation is that Julian has a front-row seat to my breakdown. I’m horrified, and I want him to leave, but judging by how tightly he’s holding me, he has no intention of going anywhere. We lie there for quite a while. He doesn’t say anything. He just holds me and strokes my hair. It’s exactly what I need even if I don’t want it. My sobs finally give way to deep breaths, and I’m finally able to talk. “Thank you,” I whisper as I squeeze his hand. I’m nervous to say anything at all because I’m not ready to tell him about what just happened with Luke, never mind what happened with Brady. I think he senses I’m not ready to talk because he just squeezes me back and kisses my
head.
We lie like this until I eventually fall asleep. I drift in and out, and each time I wake up, I feel the tears on my cheeks. Julian has stayed and is still holding me. I’m so conflicted. I want him here, but then I don’t. I know there’s no way I’m getting out of talking to him now. This meltdown was a hundred times worse than anything he has seen, and he will not be giving me a pass now. I’m scared of what the morning light will
bring.
I get out of bed at six thirty and try not to wake Julian. My reflection in the bathroom mirror is horrifying. I look like I’ve been crying for weeks, not hours. I splash cold water on my face, brush my teeth, and go to the kitchen. I grab a cucumber out of the refrigerator and cut two big slices. I sit down on the couch, put them over my eyes, and hope it helps. I’m not normally such a vain person, but I look awful. I’m only there for about thirty minutes when Julian comes and finds me. I hear him come in, and I take the cucumbers off my eyes. I try to make a joke. “If I’d known you’d look that bad too, I would have cut you some sl
ices.”
He does look bad. Tired and worn out. I’ve done this to him. He doesn’t think my joke is funny. “Come back to bed, Lexie. I don’t care how you
look.”
I follow him back into the bedroom and get into bed. He sits down next to me. “It’s early, and I know we’re both exhausted, but you have to tell me somet
hing.”
I know better than to argue. “
Okay.”
“Did Luke hurt you last night, Lexie? Because it took everything I had to not go find him and kick his ass.” I see in his eyes he’s se
rious.
I put my hand on his arm. “Not how you might be thinking, Julian. I confronted him, and we got in a huge, ugly fight. You were right. He was trying to break us up. He admitted he has feelings for me and wants me for himself. We won’t be friends anymore, and it h
urts.”
I make the story a little easier to swallow, but I don’t lie about any of it. Julian isn’t really buying it yet though. “Are you sure that’s all that happ
ened?”
“I really don’t want to go into specifics, Julian, but yes, that’s what happ
ened.”
Julian crawls back in bed and pulls me close. “I’m sorry, Lexie. I know how bad losing someone close to you hurts.” I assume he’s referring to his sister, and I don’t ask for details. I’m not able to have that discussion this morning. I just squeeze his
hand.
I look at the clock and groan. I have to work today. I was off all weekend, and I took a day off last week. I’m about to get a promotion, and I need to show I’m taking it seriously. I wiggle out of Julian’s arms and sit up. He reaches for me to pull me back down, and I dodg
e him.
“I have to work, and I need to take a shower.” I need a break too. I need to be alone. I want to cry in the shower, but I don’t want Julian to see any more of my tears. He won’t believe this is all about Luke if I don’t pull it tog
ether.
Julian is up and dressed when I get out of the shower. “I can be here by seven tonight. I’ll pick up dinner.” Ugh. I don’t want him to come back. I need some space. But I can’t say the words, so
I lie.
“That’s sweet, Julian. Thanks.” He kisses me and gives me a big hug. I can tell he wants to talk, but I think he knows it won’t go the way he wants. I walk him to the door and tell him I’ll see him later. I plan to get out of it so
mehow.
The minute he leaves, the tears start to fall again. I have no idea how I’m going to make it through this day. Marissa hears Julian leave and comes to check on me. She finds me lying on my bed c
rying.
“I’d ask if you’re okay, but you clearly aren’t. Can I do or say anything to
help?”
I shake my
head.
“What happened,
Lex?”
Marissa is my best friend in the whole world, and I should tell her about the rape. But I worry she’ll react like Luke did and be upset that I waited a year to tell her. I know she’ll be really hurt, so I don’t say anything. I tell her everything else though. Everything that Julian told me and everything that Luke confirmed. She listens, and when I’m finished, she hugs me and promises things will be okay. If she knew the whole story, she might not be feeling so pos
itive.
I go to work looking like hell and try to hide behind makeup. Lauren and Ramon are not fooled. I tell them I don’t want to talk about it, and I figure they think I got in a fight with Julian. I let them. Julian texts me about ten times today. He keeps checking on me, and each time his concern has the opposite effect. I really just want him to back off. I’m overwhelmed and raw, and if I didn’t think he would come to my work looking for me, I’d turn my phone off. Both Marissa and Shannon keep texting me too. I appreciate the concern, but as the hours pass and the tears start to dry up, I feel myself sliding back behind my wall. I don’t want to talk to a
nyone.
I get home at six thirty and wait for Julian. He said he was going to be here by seven. I get a text from him a little after
seven.
Julian:
Can’t leave yet. Need to take care of something. Be there by
9:30
.
Alexa:
You don’t have to come. I’m tired a
nyway
.
Julian:
I’ll be there by
9:30.
I tried. At least I have a few hours alone. I go for a run and try to clear my head. It doesn’t work this time either. I shower when I get back, eat a baked potato, and pour myself a glass of wine. Marissa comes home and joins me. I’m on my third glass when Julian shows up at ten o’clock. Marissa gets up to let him in, and when I see his face, I instinctively know the thing he had to take care of was Luke. Marissa sees his face and leaves the room. Great. Not this again. I get up, take my glass with me, and walk into my room. He follows and shuts the door behind him. I sit on m
y bed.
“Tell me about Brady, A
lexa.”
I was right; he did talk to Luke. I wonder what the fuck Luke said. “Why, Julian? You obviously spoke to Luke tonight. I’m sure he told you about B
rady.”
“Not exactly. I confronted him about what happened yesterday, and all he kept telling me was to ask you about Brady. Who’s B
rady?”
“An old boyfriend. I’ve mentioned him.” I’m trying to ascertain what Julian already
knows.
“Why would Luke want me to ask you about him? Have you been seeing him, Alexa?” Oh wow. Luke set me up. He’s trying to force me to tell Julian. What a ba
stard.
“No, I haven’t seen Brady.” My stomach turns as the words come out. This is per
verse.
“This is bullshit, and I don’t appreciate being made to look like a fool. Tell me about Brady, Alexa.” His voice is raised, and I can see he’s finally over it. Over me, over this. Well so am I. I see my opportunity, and I ta
ke it.
“You want to know about Brady, Julian? Fine. But don’t blame me when you don’t like what you hear. And I assure you that you won’t.” Julian is challenging me with his eyes. He wants this. He has been waiting for this. He
nods.
“Brady loved me. He loved me and treated me great for about six months. He said all the right things, just like you, and put me first. He always called. He always made sure I was a priority, and we were inseparable.” I take a deep breath and gauge Julian’s reaction so far. He’s calm and waiting for the rest. I’m not calm. My pulse is racing a mile a m
inute.
“Then he changed. He decided drugs were more important than me, than anything. He stopped putting me first, and I got all caught up in it. Our relationship became the poster child for dysfunction, and I stayed. I stayed when I should have run as far away as possible. I turned myself inside out to try and make it work.” I stop, hoping it’s enough. It’
s not.
“Keep going, Lexie. What happ
ened?”
“I’m telling you what happened. Do you need to hear the details of how we fought and broke up and made up with amazing sex? Do you want to know how much I was partying? How much I drank? You must love to hear that. I know how you feel about drinking.” I’m trying everything I can to make him mad so he just l
eaves.
He’s steely eyed and tense. “What happened, L
exie?”
I hate Julian’s tone, and I hate that he won’t leave this alone. I’m angry at him for making me do this. I’m devastated that Luke would do this to me. I’m angry, and I’m scared, and it’s very apparent in the way the words com
e out.
“You just can’t let this go, can you? Well I hope you get what you need by hearing that Brady loved me. He loved me, and then he cheated on me. He even got another girl pregnant. And when I found out and tried to end it, he hit me. And then he begged me to stay. And I fucking
did.”
I look up and see that Julian’s expression has softened. I’ve finally given him enough, and I can stop right here. I could pull this off. But something inside of me can’t stop. My body is trying to expel the poison I’ve been holding on to for so long. It needs to get out. I also feel the horrible need to make Julian feel as bad as I do right now. I want him to share this pain. It’s so fucked up. He gets up and walks toward me and starts to say something. I put my hand up to stop him. My words are harsh, and my voice is eerily calm. I’m starting to feel like it isn’t even me talking and that this happened to someone
else.
“Was that enough for you, Julian? Did you hear enough to make you feel like you know what the fuck is wrong with me? Is there enough stuff here for you fix? Because there’s more.” It’s all pouring out, and I’m powerless to stop it now. “After he hit me, and I
stayed
, he raped me. But you know that, right, Julian? You guessed that already. You just needed me to admit it, right? You thought it would be good for me to talk about it, r
ight?”
The look on Julian’s face tells me he didn’t have all of these pieces put together. He looks shocked and once again starts to speak. I cut hi
m off.
“Let me finish, Julian, because this horror story just keeps getting better. You said no secrets, so I need to tell you everything, right?” My voice is cold and dripping with sarcasm. I know he doesn’t deserve any of this, but I can’t
stop.
“He felt bad, Julian. In case you’re wondering. He felt so bad that he begged me to forgive him. He called me nonstop for two weeks trying to apologize. I had to hide out from him. I had to go totally dark to avoid him. But he wouldn’t stop, so I finally agreed to see him. I went to his house to talk to him, and guess what happened?” I look at Julian and give him the opportunity to speak. His voice is calm despite the fact he looks like he could kill so
meone.
“Did he hurt you again, A
lexa?”
The voice that comes out of me this time is devoid of any em
otion.
“Yes, Julian, he hurt me again. He swallowed a bunch of pills, drank a fifth of whiskey, and died. And I found him, Julian. I found him with a note next to his body that said
forgive me
. That’s it. Forgive me. But I can’t forgive him, Julian, because he’s
dead.”
There. I did it. I’ve finally said it all out loud. Not to my family, or friends, or my therapist. I’ve said it all aloud to the one person who I’m not certain will be able to handle it. How fucked up is that? I never planned to tell anyone about the rape, so I never considered how I would feel afterward. I was shattered when Luke confronted me with it, but that might have been more because I was shocked that he knew and never said anything and because we were dealing with all kinds of other issues. Right now I feel nothing. I’m not freaking out and losing it. I’m not even c
rying.
I’m so busy thinking about how I’m feeling right now that I almost forget I’ve just dumped all of this on Julian. I look up and meet his stare. He has tears in his eyes and is gripping the chair so tightly his knuckles are white. If my goal was to share my pain with him, I’d say I was 100 percent successful. He gets up a third time and comes to me. I don’t stop him this time. He wraps his arms around me and holds me so tightly that I can hardly breathe. I’ve loved being in his arms since the minute I met him. I’ve craved his touch and needed to have him close. Right now I feel nothing—not lust, not love, not anger or pain. I just feel empty. I’m
numb.
“My God, Lexie. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that happened to you, baby. I had no idea. I’m so s
orry.”
These are the right words for him to say to me. He’s trying to comfort me. But all I hear in his voice is pity, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I never wanted him or anyone else to feel bad for me. My bad judgment put me in this situation, and nobody is ever going to be able to convince me I’m not partly responsible for Brady dying. It’s almost a full year later, and I still don’t believe I deserve to feel okay about any of this. Luke’s words about me denying Brady my forgiveness are ringing in my ears. I did deny him that, and he
died.
Julian is rubbing my back and whispering soothing words in my ear. He’s doing everything right, yet it feels so wrong. It’s all wrong. I don’t feel like the new Lexie anymore. That girl has been hanging on by her fingertips for weeks now, and she can’t do it anymore. She is gone again, and the Lexie who doesn’t want to feel anything is
back.
“Tell me what you need from me, Lexie. I’ll do anything for you. Anything. Just tell me how I can help you.” I see a tear run down his cheek, and I still feel no
thing.
I wiggle out of his arms and stand up. “Anything, Julian? Do you really mean
that?”
“Yes, Lexie. Of course I mea
n it.”
“Do you promise you’ll do whatever I need you t
o do?”
I see a hint of skepticism cross his face, but he still promises. “I promise, Lexie. What is it, baby? What do you need fro
m me?”
I walk toward the door and open it. “I need you to leave. I want you to leave and never contact me a
gain.”