Authors: Hilary Wynne
My week at work starts out pretty slow. For one reason or another, Luke and I have been unable, or unwilling, to meet up for lunch or drinks. To be honest, I haven’t made a real effort, and he says he’s been busy. Lauren and I have been on the schedule together Monday and Tuesday, and we’ve had plenty of chances to talk about Luke. We haven’t though, and that’s fine with me. Things are okay between us, but I do feel some new tension, and I wonder how much Luke told her about our fight. I also wonder what really happened between her and Luke. But I won’t ask. She tries to get information about Julian out of me, but I just tell her nothing happened. I don’t trust she won’t tell Luke before I have a chance to. That was supposedly one of the main reasons Luke was pissed at me, and I don’t want it to happen again. I try to keep myself busy so the days pass quickly, but it’s difficult. We only have a few units left to sell, and the constant rain we’ve had the last few days has kept traffic
light.
The rain has also made it impossible to run, but I do manage to make it to the gym on Tuesday evening. I take a yoga class and try to center myself. It only helps a little. I basically want to be alone as I work through my feelings, and my roommates know me well enough to give me space. By Wednesday, I’m crawling out of my own skin, and I know I
need
to talk about how I’m feeling about Julian and about Luke even if I really don’t want to. I have my normal Wednesday appointment with Ellen. I think about cancelling it but force myself to go. I know the reason I don’t want to go is because I’m avoiding discussing why I freaked out at Jul
ian’s.
The minute Ellen’s sees me, she knows something is up. The reality is no matter how hard I try to hide my feelings, I really am an open book. The people close to me know when I’m upset no matter how hard I try to hide it. The problem is I won’t admit it and don’t share my feelings. I think it frustrates eve
ryone.
“What’s going on, Lexie? You look very agitated.” I guess she’s just going to cut right to the
chase.
“Well, everything is all fucked up, and I have myself to thank fo
r it.”
“Everything?” Okay. So I’m a little dra
matic.
“Well, okay, not everything. But my love life, for lack of a better word, is pretty messed up. And Luke and I got into a fight, and it’s totally messing with my
head.”
She decides to address the Julian issue first. “I take it you’ve seen Ju
lian?”
“Yes, I saw Julian. I slept with Julian, and I fled his house like a thief in the night.” I’m being serious, but Ellen can’t help but laugh a little at my description. She probably just got a visual of me sneaking out through a window or some
thing.
“Did something happen that caused you to flee?” She’s poking fun at my choice of
words.
“Yes. Something did. We had a great time. It was amazing, and he was ama
zing.”
“Well then, I totally see your need to flee.” I know I sound stupid. I’ve already played the night over and over in my head a million times, and it sounds ridiculous to m
e too.
“It was too intense, and it was way too emotional. It was just way too
everything
.” I know when I say it like this Ellen will understand what happened and why I freaked out. She knows my capacity for emotional closeness is limited. “I just met this man, and I feel like he can look at me and see everything I’m thinking and fee
ling.”
“I understand why that scares you, Lexie. Did he say something that upset
you?”
“No, and that’s part of the problem. He says
all
the right things. If I could write a script of how I wanted a man to talk to me, it would have all the things Julian said to me on it. And it isn’t even really what he says anyway. It’s how he looks at me. How he touches me. How drawn I am to him.” As I’m saying these words, I’m thinking about Julian touching me, and I feel an ache at the thought it may not happen
again.
“Did you have this kind of connection with Brady? Maybe that’s what’s making this so intense and hard for you to ha
ndle.”
“No, Ellen, and that’s another issue. I didn’t feel this way with Brady. Not at the beginning and not in the middle and certainly not at the end. I thought I loved him, I really did, but I was always searching for this kind of connection with him. I searched for a year, and I turned myself inside and out to find it. And it was
never
there. I thought I loved him, but he didn’t ever give me what I really ne
eded.”
Wow. Where did that come from? As the words pour out of me, I come to the shocking realization that I’m feeling more intense feelings for Julian after a few weeks than I did for a man I spent a year with. I’m confused by this epiphany. I look up at Ellen, and she’s smiling
at me.
“Lexie, I’m not going to get all shrinky on you, but you have no idea how proud I am of you for realizing that and admitting it out loud, even if you didn’t mean to.” She knows me so well. It all came out before I could stop it. I shift away from Brady and bring the discussion back to J
ulian.
“How can this be happening?” I want her to tell me it’s possible for me to have already developed this intense connection to Julian and that I’m not imagining it. I want to know this stuff really does happen. Love at first sight. I know she won’t though. She’ll spin it and give me something to think
about.
“I have no idea what your connection with Julian is like. But despite your unwillingness to admit it, you’re a good judge of character and you do know the difference between reality and fantasy. You need to trust yourself. That’s all, Lexie. Just trust your
self.”
“I’m trying, Ellen. I reall
y am.”
“I know you are. Keep it up.” We sit there quietly for a minute as I absorb my revel
ation.
“Do you want to talk about the fight you and Luke got into? You’ve never mentioned fighting with him be
fore.”
“Because we never fight. We’ve always gotten along. We can get on each other’s nerves, but we’ve never tried to hurt each other before.” I tell her the whole story from beginning to end, and she just listens and nods her head a little at certain parts of the story. When I finish, I totally expect her to be on my side and see things exactly like I do. I don’t expect her to justify his ac
tions.
“Lexie, has it really never occurred to you that Luke’s feelings for you are more than friendly and that maybe he’s acting this way because he’s jealous of what he sees happening between you and Julian?” The way she says it makes me feel like she thinks I’m a blind idiot. I want to say no, he was just being a dick, but I
don’t.
Okay, I’ll try to explain this again. My response is defe
nsive.
“Everyone keeps bringing this up lately. Aside from the first time we hooked up,
six
years ago, Luke has never tried to change the nature of our relationship. Actually, he was the one who decided we were going to be
just
friends. He’s dated a million girls, and he introduced me to Brady. If he wanted me, why in the world would he just not say so? I’ve been right in front of him for years
now.”
“I can’t answer that, Lexie, but from everything you’ve told me about Luke and your relationship, it’s obvious he has very real, very deep feelings for you. I’m just taking a guess, but I think he might be feeling threatened by what he sees happening between you and Julian. He might be thinking he’s going to lose you. You and Luke have been through a lot together, and I imagine he feels a bit protective of
you.”
I look up at the clock before I answer and see my time is up. Good. I think we have covered enough ground here today. I get myself ready to leave, and Ellen offers another piece of food for thought before I walk out the door. She knows I’m deep in my head right now and processing all of this. This is a great opportunity for her to plant another
seed.
“Lexie, you’re going to have to reconcile this soon. You’re not going to be able to ignore it, no matter how much you want to. It appears you’re having very strong feelings for two men, and if you don’t get honest about how you feel about it, and them, you’re going to end up without either.” I think about that for a minute and want to say she’s wrong. Julian isn’t in the picture anymore. She cuts m
e off.
“And, Lexie, Julian isn’t out of the picture either. He’ll be back.” Good God. Can everyone read my damn
mind?
I think about everything Ellen and I discussed today and have a restless night of sleep as a result. I wake up tired and cranky and with an impending sense of doom. I decide I’m going to force Luke to talk to me today. I can’t or won’t do anything about the Julian situation, but I can try to fix what happened between Luke and me. I remember he did apologize and offer to talk on Sunday and that I was the one who said no. I wasn’t ready then, and I’m still not sure I am now. I can’t see how I’ll be able to avoid telling him about what happened with Julian, and I don’t want to discuss it with him. He’s made no real other attempt to get together this week, and we’ve only texted a few times. We didn’t say much. I sense he’s avoiding me the same way I’m avoiding him, and it makes me sad. This has to stop now. My plan is to guilt him into meeting with me tonight. I know he worked last night, so I wait until a decent hour before I tex
t him.
Alexa:
Callahan’s for a drink before work tonight? 6:30
? Plz.
Luke always has his phone in his hand and replies immedi
ately.
Luke:
Ok. Mi
ss you
Alexa:
Miss you too. See you later. Have a goo
d day.
Luke:
You too
Hooka
That’s my
Luke.
The weather has cleared up by Thursday, and because I’ve had some drop-ins, the morning has passed pretty quickly. Right before lunch, two of my bosses come and find me and ask if they can take me to lunch. Mark Sullivan is W&M’s regional VP, and Andrea Lewis is the director of sales for South Florida. I tell them I have a follow-up appointment with a serious buyer at one thirty, and they suggest we stay close by. I also remind them I’m the only salesperson in the office today because Lauren and Ramon are at a sales seminar downtown. We decide to go to Arnie’s Cafe in the building adjacent to ours. I grab my purse, and as I follow them to the elevators, I start feeling anxious about lunch. This is probably only the third time in a year that I’ve had lunch with either of them, and the other two times were with a large group of people. They’re great to work for, but they’re definitely not on my level, and I never see them socializing with their staff. I give myself a pep talk on the ride down. I’ve been kicking ass at work though, so I figure it can’t be about anything bad. They both seem like they’re in great moods and are really chatty as we walk the short distance to the little café. Because it’s a little before noon and the lunch crowds have not all come out yet, we’re able to grab one of the few tables outside. We all comment on how great it is to be outside after spending the last four days inside. It rains plenty in South Florida, but not so hard and not for so many days in a row. We all order our drinks and meals, and Mark gets right to the
point.
“Alexa, Andrea and I wanted to tell you what a great job you’ve done in Tower Three. We know you probably know what the numbers are, but you’ve sold the most units by far in that building.” I do know the numbers and feel great I’m being recognized for my hard
work.
“You’ve been getting tons of great feedback from your clients, so it isn’t just the numbers talking.” Andrea is more the people person, and Mark more the numbers guy, so it doesn’t surprise me she’s the one to point thi
s out.
Andrea continues. “We think we should be closed out here in the next six weeks, and it looks like the Promenade will be ready to start selling by mid-
July.”
I know the company has been working around the clock to get the building ready to sell starting in July, and I’m happy to hear it’s going to happen. I’ve secretly been hoping I’ll be moved to the Promenade when the sales office opens. I love working so close to home, but the property in Sofi is going to be so beautiful. The units are total luxury, with some being designed to sell for several million dollars. I could sell half as many units there and make three times the money I’m making now. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but my mind flits quickly to the thought of how many new pairs of shoes I’ll be able t
o buy.
She continues, “We want to send you over there. This is a huge opportunity for you, Alexa. You’re so young and relatively new to the company. We tried to figure out a reason why we shouldn’t send you over, but we couldn’t come up with a valid one.” She’s smiling at me as she
talks.
I smile back. This is
awesome
! “Thank you both. I know what a great opportunity it is, and I promise you it won’t be a mistake. I’m ready to do
this.”
Mark speaks up. “Good, then it’s decided. We want you to go, and you want to go. It’s a win-win situation for all of us. You should plan on going in the near future. We’ll send you over some specifics about compensation and schedule in the next few weeks. We’re still ironing out all the details.” That’s Mark. Short, sweet, and to the
point.
They start talking about the property, and I’m getting more excited as lunch goes on. I listen intently and ask a lot of questions. My mood, which has been crappy since the weekend, is definitely changing for the better. Work can do that for me. Even when things were falling apart with Brady, I was able to focus on work and do a grea
t job.
My happy mood slowly starts to disappear as quickly as it came the minute Andrea brings up the Bellavista II, the newest Bywater development. She starts talking about the competition and how our product will stack up against theirs. I’m lost in my own thoughts for a minute, thinking about my last, and probably only, visit inside a unit there when Andrea’s next comment yanks me back to re
ality.
“Speaking of our competition and Bywater, here come the Bauer brothers now. What a strange coincid
ence.”
Oh no! Did she just say Bauer brothers? Maybe it’s Julian’s dad and uncle. Please! She is facing the opposite direction from me at the table, so I would have to turn to see who she’s talking about, and I’m not about to draw any attention to myself. Well, it turns out I don’t need to turn around to see which Bauers she’s referring to. I feel Julian’s energy as he approaches the table, and I smell his scent before he reaches us. I don’t know if he knows it’s me, and I’m freaking out about how he’s going to react when he sees me. My mind is racing, and I’m feeling hot and itchy. I wonder if he’ll acknowledge he knows me, or if he’ll pretend we don’t know each other. Andrea and Mark both stand up and greet Julian and his brother, Danny. I stay seated and don’t turn around. I know it’s rude, but I really don’t care. I’m not able to pull off calm, cool, and collected. I stay silent until Andrea introduces me, forcing me to stand up and turn a
round.
“Julian and Danny, this is Alexa Reed, one of our top salespeople at the Towers. We were just telling her we’re sending her over to the Promenade soon so she can steal some of your prospects away.” Well that was kind of an overshare. I haven’t even processed this new job situation yet, and Andrea has already shared it with Julian of all p
eople.
And just like that I’m face to face with Julian. He’s standing a few feet away from me, but my physical reaction to him makes it feel like he’s
on
me. I mentally will my body to stay put and not fling itself into Julian’s arms like it wants to. I’m so drawn to this man. He looks hot. He’s dressed very causally in jeans, khaki-colored Salvatore Ferragamo loafers, and a form-fitting, sea-foam-green Polo shirt. As usual, everything fits perfectly and shows off his beautiful body. I quickly think about how I look and am glad I’m wearing what I am. I’m dressed like I’m happy and in a good mood. Maybe he won’t see I’ve been miserable since he dropped me off a few day
s ago.
I have a coral-colored pencil skirt on that hits my leg midthigh. It has cute, lace, circle patterns on it and is very figure flattering. I’m wearing a crisp, white, sleeveless oxford shirt on top and Tory Burch nude wedges. My hair is loose and flowing. It’s a very different look than anything Julian has seen me in, and I see approval in his eyes as he sweeps them over me. When his gaze reaches my feet, I see a small little smile flash across his face. He’s checking out my shoes to see what I’m wearing. They’re high and sexy and expensive. I love it that I know what he’s smiling about. It makes me feel close to him. When he looks up, I’m almost knocked over by the searing look in his eyes, and I wonder if anybody else se
es it.
“Hi, Alexa. It’s nice to see you again.” Okay, so he is going to acknowledge he knows me. He doesn’t reach out to shake my hand though and doesn’t offer up how we know each other. I wonder if he avoids touching me because of the reaction it causes in both of us. It may be hard to hide. “This is my brother, Danny.” Danny sticks his hand out and flashes me a smile that clearly is genetic. He’s almost as good looking as Julian, and the family resemblance is strong. You can immediately tell they’re brothers. I find myself wondering what Julian’s parents look like. They must be gorgeous to have produced two such beautiful
sons.
“It’s nice to meet you, Alexa. Congratulations on the new job. Hopefully you aren’t too good at it; we have a lot of inventory to sell.” His smile is friendly and warm, and I can tell Danny also shares his big brother’s witty conversational skills and flirtatious nature. I know he’s referring to the fact I’ll be his direct competition and take no offense to his co
mment.
“It’s nice to meet you as well, Danny.” Julian glances down as I put my hand into Danny’s, and I want to scream at him that I want
him
to be touching me. “I plan on selling out the Promenade in record time, but I’m sure there are plenty of customers to go around.” This gets a laugh from all of
them.
As Danny is talking to me, I notice Julian reaching into his pocket and pulling out a card case. He opens it and hands each of us one of his cards. I’m impressed with his quick thinking. We’re finally going to exchange contact information. The fact that he has been inside of me and still doesn’t have my number is a bit unnerving, and I’m thrilled he seems to want to rectify that. This means he wants to
talk.
“Do you have a card, Alexa? When you get down to the beach, we can meet, and I can introduce you to condo life on Sofi.” I just nod my head. I’m shaking a little as I reach into my purse and pull a card out. Our fingers touch when he takes the card from my hand, and as usual I feel the touch everywhere. By the look in Julian’s eyes, he does too. That is why he didn’t shake my hand earlier. It’s such a giveaway. I’m glad he’s taken my card. I didn’t want to have to be the one to make the next
move.
“I don’t know if I like that idea, Julian. You wouldn’t be trying to take her away from us, would you?” Andrea is totally joking and has no idea there’s a hidden meaning in Julian’s res
ponse.
“I don’t think you need to worry, Andrea. Something about Alexa tells me she doesn’t do anything that she doesn’t want to.” Everyone laughs, and I see a little smirk on Julian’s face that he isn’t even trying to hide.
Really? What a smartass
. I just smile and don’t say much else. The rest of them wrap up their conversation, and Julian and Danny say good-bye and apologize for interrupting our lunch. Julian doesn’t make eye contact with me as he starts to leave. He’s deliberately messing with me, and I question what his next move wi
ll be.
Fortunately, I only have to wait a few hours before that question is answered. I just get back from a very promising showing and check my phone to see if I have any missed calls. I’m hoping there’s one from Julian now that he finally has my number. There are no calls, but there’s a text from an unknown number. I’m excited to see a text but would’ve rather heard his voice. I read the text, and my heart
melts.
Julian:
It’s Julian. You can explai
n now.
The first thing I do is program his name into my contact list. Then I reread his text. I understand its meaning immediately. One of the last things I told him on Saturday was that I wanted to explain my actions. He wasn’t ready to hear anything from me then, and that’s a reaction I can relate to. Unfortunately, now I’m not sure I can say the words. All of my reasons and justifications for running away from his condo seem immature and overly dramatic. I’m not sure what I want to say. I know I better say something though. Because he texted instead of called, I feel it’s appropriate to write my feelings down instead of saying them. I know I can’t send everything I want to say via text, so I open my computer and start to compose an e-mail. I write down how I was feeling that night and what was going on in my head. After I write a few lines down, I realize none of the words are coming out right. I’m having a really hard time articulating the reality that what happened between us invoked the most intense emotional response I’ve ever had to anybody. I want to tell him I’m afraid I’m already falling for him and scared he could never possibly feel that way about someone like me. But, that sounds way too revealing to me as I read the words back to myself. It also sounds a little desperate, crazy, and pathetic. Shit. What the hell am I going t
o say?
I sit and stare at my blank screen for about ten minutes before I finally decide I’ll just send him the lyrics from a song that sums up my feelings perfectly. I know if I do this I’m allowing myself to be extremely vulnerable, but I feel like I have no other options. I’m getting a second chance here, and I don’t want to blow it. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Julian, and I really need to see if I can salvage whatever was happening between us. This is a huge step for me. I reply to his text
first.
Alexa:
Are you
sure?
Julian:
Claro q
ue sí.
Of course he does. He wouldn’t have asked,
right?
Alexa:
Check your email in a few minutes. Too much to
text.
I get his e-mail address off of his card and cut and paste the lyrics to “Again” by Needtobreathe and highlight the words that mean the most. I hear Ellen’s voice in my head, “Just trust yourself, Alexa,” and I hit
send.
To: Julian Bauer—
[email protected]
es.com
From: Alexa Reed—
[email protected]&Minvestmentgro
up.com
Subject: Sometimes I have a hard time saying the words
…
This says it perfectly f
or me.
I don’t want to stay, I don’t want to
fall.
I don’t want to take; I don’t want to lose i
t all.
Maybe I’m a fake, maybe you’re
a lie.
Maybe our last chance died with last
night.
Alexa
About ten minutes pass before he responds by text. I know because I’m watching the
clock.
Julian:
Got it. We need to
talk.
Julian:
Or should I respond in
kind?
Alexa:
Sure.
Julian:
Check your
email.
I’m dying to see what he sends, and I’m freaking out because the lyrics to “Again” were pretty serious. As I’m thinking about all the songs he could send that deal with a crazy chick, an e-mail from Julian po
ps up.