Stay (14 page)

“I’m here, right here,” I say ten
derly.

“Good, baby, because I need you to stay with me.” Julian is looking at me so intensely I have to close my eyes before he sees every feeling I’m experie
ncing.

Oh
shit.

If I had thought we had crossed some imaginary line before tonight, I was totally clueless. Now we’re
really
over the line. I feel powerless to stop this speeding-bullet-train of a ride we’re on, and I want him to take me to places my body has never been b
efore.

With each thrust, Julian is breaking through the hard shell that has been wrapped around my broken heart for the last year. And although he’s setting my body ablaze with his pounding rhythm and touch, it’s the feelings he’s igniting in my heart that are overtaking me. I can sense Julian is close to coming, and I delight in the moans and sounds of pleasure that are coming out of his
mouth.

“I’m so close, Alexa. I don’t know if I can hold back much longer, and you haven’t gotten off yet.” Julian sounds apolo
getic.

“I’m so good. You’ve made me feel so good tonight, and I don’t need to come again right now to feel amazing. You make me feel amazing, and I feel you everyw
here.”

I want him to believe me because it’s true. I do feel amazing and completely satisfied. I want this for him. I want him to let go and pour himself into me. He doesn’t argue, and I start to feel the trembling in his body as his orgasm races throug
h him.

Holy
hell!

I’m not sure if it’s what I just said to him or if it’s just the rush of his orgasm, but when our eyes meet at the moment he starts pumping into me, the emotional connection between us tightens, and it feels as if all the air is sucked from my lungs. We have been using our eyes to communicate since the moment we met, and right now I’m able to see so many things in Julian’s eyes. I see release. I see desire. I see need, and I swear I see something that resembles love. And I know, if he’s looking closely, he’s seeing the exact same things in my eyes. I truly feel like a piece of my soul just slipped into his soul and vice versa. We continue to stare into each other’s eyes, and by the way he’s looking at me, I know he felt it too. He lays his body gently on mine and lets the last little bit of his orgasm fade. He stays there for a few moments. I realize I’m trembling as Julian finally pulls himself carefully out of me. As he gets up to throw the condom away, he asks me if I’m okay and if I need any
thing.

No
, I think quietly to myself.
I’m definitely not okay. And yes, I do need something. I need to get the hell out of here.
I’m freaking out, and I can’t stop shaking. I feel a panic attack coming on, and as he walks back toward the bed, I frantically start to think about what I need to do to get out of here. I don’t want to even look at Julian now. I feel so vulnerable and raw, and I have no clue how to handle these feelings. I know in my gut this night is going to end very badly because I’m about to do something stupid. Julian seems a little bit oblivious to my discomfort. He lies down, pulls me tightly to him, my back to his front, and pulls the comforter back up over us. He finally notices I’m still shaking, and his hold on me tightens. He leans in and kisses my neck s
oftly.

“Are you okay, Alexa? You’re literally shaking.” His tone is laced with
worry.

Great, now it’s obvious I’m flipping out. I can add embarrassed to the list of adjectives describing me now. I feel pathetic. Nothing bad just happened. Well, unless you count feeling love toward someone you hardly know as a bad thing. I’ve decided I’m not going to acknowledge what just happened between us. No freakin
g way.

“I’m great, Julian. We just fucked hard for hours. I’m worn out.” I try to sound cool and collected, but I don’t think I’m pulling it off. I really just sound lame. A flash of heat rushes through my body, and I feel suffocated by his embrace. I pull myself away and scoot off of th
e bed.

“I just need to get home and go to
bed.”

“Get your sexy ass back here in my bed. We can rest a little while before round two, or is it t
hree?”

I’m not looking directly at Julian, but I can hear the playfulness in his voice, and I know he’s smiling. “This game is over, Julian. I really just want to go.” I say the words quietly yet determi
nedly.

He reaches over to grab my hand, and I step quickly out of his reach. Julian sits up and looks at me like I’m crazy as I start putting my clothes back on. I turn my back to him so he can’t see how shaken I still am by what just happened betwe
en us.

“Well this is kind of a first,” he says to me in a tight
voice.

“What, you bringing a chick home and fucking her thoroughly?” I desperately try to change the energy between us to something way less intense. Sarcasm usually works well f
or me.

“No,” he hisses. “I’ve definitely brought a ‘chick’ home and fucked her thoroughly before. I’m referring to the part where you get up and run away right afterward. I mean, the ‘chicks’ I fuck thoroughly usually can’t walk right afterward, never mind run. I’m usually kicking them out, not begging them to
stay.”

Wow, mission accomplished on the mood-changing plan. He sounds pissed and obviously doesn’t like my choice of words. There is no going back now. “Well,” I say weakly, “I’m not like most girls, and although my legs are a little shaky, I think I’m okay to
walk.”

I sit back down on the other side of his enormous bed. I can’t even look at him as I slip on my sandal. I’m shaking so much I’m having a hard time buckling the strap, but I know it isn’t from the sex. It’s because of all the emotions Julian has stirred up in me. I’m completely off balance. I’m sitting here on the bed with my back to Julian, and hundreds of thoughts are running rapid fire through my brain. I wish I had the guts to tell him what’s going on with me and why I’m acting like such a head case. I want to tell him this is the first time I’ve had sex since the last time with Brady, and considering how that went down, I’m handling this pretty well now. I want him to know this isn’t about him at all. I want to tell him how amazing he makes me feel. I want to take my clothes back off and climb back into his warm bed and have him wrap his arms around me again. I want to not be scared. Instead, I say nothing as I pick my wristlet up off the floor and sta
nd up.

Julian’s voice breaks through the clutter of my thoughts. He sounds cold and det
ached.

“That’s true, Alexa. You definitely are not like most girls.” I take a deep breath and turn to face him but have a hard time looking directly at him. I really need to get out of here. It hits me all of a sudden I have no way to get home.
Shit.

“I didn’t really think this whole thing through very well. I didn’t drive to the club so I need to call a cab to come pick m
e up.”

He looks at me incredulously. “You’re really leaving. Now? Like this?” It’s more a statement of disbelief than a que
stion.

“Yes,” I say to the g
round.

Julian’s tone is hard. “
En serio
, Alexa? I’ve been
in
you the entire night, and now you can’t even look at me.
Increíble
.
” I note that when Julian gets really turned on, excited, or mad, he often slips into Sp
anish.

He gets out of bed and walks around to where I took his pants off an hour ago. He slips them on quickly and then does the same with his shirt. He walks over to what I’m assuming is his closet, goes inside, and comes out wearing a pair of flip-flops. He’s all rumpled and looks so good. If he wasn’t so pissed, I would mention it. I really didn’t intend for him to get so mad. But he’s definitel
y mad.

I assume that because he got dressed he’s planning on taking me home himself, and to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure I want to be alone in a car with him. I have no grip on my emotions right now. I consider calling Marissa or Shannon but then decide against it. It’s the middle of the night, and I don’t want them out driving around. I also briefly consider calling Luke but quickly remember we’re in a fight. Shit. I’m
stuck.

“Julian,” I say as nicely as I can. “It’s really late. You don’t need to take me all the way to Coconut Grove. I can catch a cab. It’s really not a big
deal.”

I expect him to say something sarcastic about him not being the kind of guy that sends girls home in cabs, but he doesn’t say anything at all. His silence is definitely worse. He just walks out of his bedroom and down the hall toward the front of the house. I have no choice but to follow him. There are a few dimly lit lights on around the house, but it’s mostly dark, and I’m having a hard time reading his expression. Julian grabs his keys off the table in the foyer, opens the door, and walks out. He doesn’t even hold the door f
or me.

Okay. So that’s how it’s gon
na be.

Thank you very much, Julian
, I think to myself.
It’s easier for me to be bitchy and cold when you’re acting like an asshole.
I know I’m justifying my actions, and a small spark of guilt runs through me. I did this. I made him act this way. Crap. I start to feel panicky again. This is exactly the kind of bullshit I’ve been trying to avoid. I don’t want to feel guilty about anything and certainly don’t want to be responsible for anybody’s hurt feelings. Damn it. Now I’m mad at me too. How did I let this h
appen?

We stand there in silence and wait for the elevator. When the doors slide open, Julian steps in front and moves to the side. He won’t even look at me. I get in and move toward the back. I stand behind him, and I can see how tense he is. His shoulders are tight, and he has a death grip on his keys. I think back to a few hours ago when we were in this elevator and his big soft hands were all over me. Wow. What a diffe
rence.

After what feels like forever, the doors open, and Julian walks out into a parking garage. I’m still following him like a scolded child, and I’m pretty pissed now, at him and at myself. Fuck, I just wanted to go home. I have a hard time keeping up with him because one, he has really long legs and is walking quickly, two, my legs are still shaky from the awesome sex I just had, and three, these freaking sandals look great but aren’t really comfortable. He stops next to a shiny, black convertible F-Type Jaguar, presses his key fob to open the doors, and gets in. I don’t know why I’m surprised that he doesn’t open my door, but I kind of am. Something tells me when Julian isn’t pissed, he really is a gent
leman.

“I need your address, Alexa,” he says dryly as he leans over to program his NAV. I tell it t
o him.

He backs out of the space carefully and heads toward the street. Once we’re outside, he turns the volume up on the radio. I’m assuming it’s so we don’t have to talk. The drive to my house will take about twenty minutes at this time, and I welcome the sound of music, anything to break through the uncomfortable silence that’s enveloping us. He looks straight
ahead.

I look around the car. It’s as sleek and sexy as the man driving it. Jaguar must have had this man in mind when they designed this car because it looks like it was made for him. I want to tell him how good he looks driving it but seriously don’t think he’s in the mood for any compliments from me. I look out of the window and watch the scenery fly by. He has the top up, but it’s chilly at night in April. The tension in the car isn’t helping either. I could talk, but I’m really freaking stubborn, and by this point I’ve convinced myself I didn’t do anything wrong. So I say nothing. I wrap my arms around myself and try to warm up. Julian sees me out of the corner of his eye and pushes a button to turn the he
at on.

“Thank you,” I say quietly. He just
nods.

I suddenly realize how tired I am. It’s almost four in the morning, and I’ve had a very “active” night. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. I lay my head back, close my eyes, and listen to the music. Wow. Tears form in my eyes, and I realize just how
not
okay I am. I thought I had come so far since everything happened with Brady. I realize now I’m still a mess. I also realize what a mess I’ve made of this night. I open my eyes and look over at Julian for the first time since we’ve gotten in the car. I quickly realize we have pulled up in front of my house. He is staring at me, and he doesn’t look mad anymore. He actually looks sad and disappointed. I don’t blame him. I’m certain this will be the end of us, so I decide to be brave and tell him what I’m feeling. I open my mouth to say how sorry I am for ruining a perfect
night.

“Julian, you don’t understand. Please let me exp
lain.”

I want to explain. I need to explain. He cuts me off. “Goodnight, Alexa.” His tone says it all. He isn’t interested in hearing anything else I have to say. I get the message loud and
clear.

“Goodnight, Julian,” I say softly. “Thanks for the
ride.”

I get out of the car and head up to house. I don’t look back, but I know he’ll wait until I’m safely inside. I hear him pull away as I shut the door behind me and slide to the floor. Tears stream down my face. I totally fucked th
is up.

Chapter Thirteen

I wake up around eleven on Sunday. What little sleep I got last night was fitful. I decide I’m going to spend most of the day in bed because I’m exhausted and because I’m avoiding my roommates. It’s also raining pretty hard, so it’s the perfect day to do nothing. I’m not on the schedule to work this weekend, which turns out to be a great thing. I’ve had close to no sleep and don’t think I could sell a life jacket to a drowning man today. I feel like total shit. I can’t believe I’m back here again. I have a one-night stand go bad, and I totally fall apart. According to Ellen, I’ve come so far since Brady’s death
. Not.

Marissa and Shannon are in the kitchen when I try to sneak in for a cup of coffee. They didn’t know I was home and immediately want to know why I am and what the hell happened because I look like I’ve been crying. I know they’ll automatically think Julian did something to me, and I need to let them know he didn’t do anything
wrong.

“
I
happened, and I don’t want to talk about it.” I say it forcefully so they understand I’m serious. We’ve been friends for a really long time, and they both know me well enough to know when I say I don’t want to talk about something, I
won’t.

I’m really not in the mood to be analyzed. I’ve been doing that to myself since I jumped out of Julian’s bed last night and made him take me home. I can’t stop thinking about every detail. It seriously was one of the most intense, passionate nights of my life, and I’m so disappointed in myself that I flippe
d out.

Shannon walks over to me and gives me a quick hug. “Cool. But you do know you’re allowed to be happy, right? You deserve for good things to happen to you, Lexie. Just sa
ying.”

Marissa adds, “If you change your mind, we’re here to li
sten.”

And I know they are. But that’s part of the problem. As close as we are and as much as I trust them, I still haven’t been completely honest with them about everything that happened between Brady and me right before he died. I haven’t been honest with Luke either, and I pretty much tell them everything. I haven’t even shared everything with Ellen. I think she knows I’m hiding stuff, but so far I’ve held her off. Sneaky me. I have my secrets, and I know they’re tearing me apart. They have been for almost a year. I think about what Shannon said about deserving to be happy. I hear that from everyone. I wish I believed it were
true.

Marissa tells me Luke texted her last night to see if I was okay. I knew he would. I haven’t even turned my phone on since last night. I knew Luke would be trying to get ahold of me, and I’m not ready to deal with him. I’m still pissed. I’m also sure he went home with Lauren, and I really don’t want to hear about that either. The realization hits me that once again Julian and I didn’t exchange contact information. I’m pretty sure I won’t be hearing from him again after the way I acted last night, so I convince myself it really doesn’t matter a
nyway.

I ask Marissa what she told Luke. “I didn’t know what to say. I asked him why he was texting me, and he said you were mad at him and ignoring him. I figured it had something to do with Julian, so I just said you were fine and didn’t want to talk to him. I guess I didn’t
lie.”

I tell them about the fight we got into. They both look at me like they’re not surprised at all. They also think he’s uncharacteristically acting like a dick toward me and tell me to keep ignoring him until he apolo
gizes.

“If I don’t talk to him, he can’t apologize.” As soon as those words come out of my mouth, I feel sick to my stomach. It makes me think about how I wouldn’t listen to Brady’s apology. I get up and walk into my room to get my phone to call Luke. There are five missed calls from him and several more texts. They all basically say the same thing.
I’m sorry, please ca
ll me.

Alexa:
Stop blowing up my
phone

He answers immedi
ately.

Luke:
Answer it and I wouldn’t h
ave to

Alexa:
I’m fine. Still mad t
hough.

Luke:
Figured. Sorry. Really. Don’t want to be president of Dick
sville

Alexa:
haha. Ok, ur impe
ached.

Luke:
TY. Dinner & Vampires to
night?

Crap. We’ve been watching
True Blood
together almost every Sunday since it started. I just can’t deal with Luke today. He’ll know something’s wrong, and I’m not discussing this wit
h him.

Alexa:
Sorry. Tired and cranky and just want to go to bed early. Early day tom
orrow
.

Luke:
R
eally?

Alexa:
Let’s get a drink/dinner after work tomorrow or Tu
esday.

Luke:
K. But are you sure you’re ok? Stil
l mad?

Alexa:
No. Not mad. Just tired. Call me tomorr
ow. Xo

Luke:
Ok hooka. Have a good day. Call me if you change your mind. Off to
night.

I know he doesn’t usually work on Sundays. I feel a little guilty blowing him off, but he’s the one who’s gone on the attack as far as Julian goes, and as much as I don’t want to discuss this, I also know he won’t want to hear about my passionate night and horrible aftermath. The whole thing makes me sad. I feel like I need to hide my feelings from Luke, and I haven’t done that since the beginning of our relationship when I was totally crushing on him and didn’t want him to know. I even used to tell him about what was happening between Brady and me. I try to cheer up by telling myself that after a few Julian-less days we’ll be able to put this behind us and move on. Deep down I’m not so sure t
hough.

I do exactly what I said I was going to do today. I lie in bed and feel sorry for myself. I turn off my phone after I text my sister and my parents that I’m alive and well and too busy working to call. More lies. Shannon and Marissa pretty much leave me alone after I finally tell them an abridged version of what happened last night. They just listen and don’t really say much, sensing I don’t want to analyze it anymore. They try to help by ordering Chinese food like we always do when one of us is feeling down. I have no appetite, so I just pick at some Lo Mien. I watch
True Blood
in my room. I dream about Sookie, Bill, and Eric all entangled in a bloody love tri
angle.