Authors: Hilary Wynne
To: Alexa Reed—
[email protected]&Minvestmentgro
up.com
From: Julian Bauer—
[email protected]
es.com
Subj: My Deep Th
oughts
When I walk in the spot, this is what
I see
Everybody stops and they’re staring
at me,
I got passion in my pants, And I ain’t afraid to sh
ow it
(show it, show it, sh
ow it)
I’m sexy and I kno
w it …
Julian
I can’t believe he just sent me lyrics to the song “I’m Sexy and I Know It”
by LMFAO. I have to admit it’s pretty funny, but I’m disappointed because I was being totally open and serious, and clearly he thinks this is a joke. I pick up my phone to text him back. There’s no way I’m going to let him know I’m upset by his response. Obviously he wants to keep this conversation
light.
Alexa:
you’re sexy. Glad you kn
ow it.
Julian:
Not funny? Thought it would make you
laugh.
Alexa:
It was
funny.
Julian
:
But?
Alexa:
But nothing. It was
funny.
Julian:
You sound disappo
inted.
Alexa:
I’m texting. How do I “sound” any way a
t all?
Julian:
Maybe I want you to be disappo
inted.
What the hell is Julian doing? I’m not sure where he’s trying to steer this conversation, but if he wants to keep it light, I’m going to do the same. I’ve already played my vulnerability card, and I’m no longer in a sharing kind of
mood.
Alexa:
Why would I be? it’s a good thing to have a healthy self-e
steem.
Jul
ian:
?
Alexa:
You think you’re
sexy …
Julian:
You
don’t?
Alexa:
Think you’re sexy? Yes Julian, I already conceded that point. Read text
above.
Julian:
you’re trying to change the su
bject.
Alexa:
What su
bject?
Julian:
las
t Sat.
Alexa:
You changed subject with song c
hoice.
Julian:
Guess I did. Tried to lighten the mood. You don’t do “feelings”
well.
Ouch. That kind of hurts. It’s true, but I’m not sure how I feel about him calling me out
on it.
Alexa:
Mission accompl
ished.
Julian
:
Mad?
Alex
a:
No.
I’m not giving into him. I’m an idiot. Why did I send that damn song? I need to send another to counteract the damage I just did to my
pride.
Alexa:
Glad we got that all cleared up. Gotta get back to work. Nice to see you
today.
Julian:
Cleared up? I’m more confused than before. We’re not finished her
e yet.
Julian:
Sorry I didn’t respond the way you wanted
me to.
Now I’m getting mad. Does he really need to make me feel more s
tupid?
Alexa:
Really? And you think you know what I
want?
Julian:
I had no problem figuring out what you wanted las
t Sat.
Ugh. I don’t know how to respond to that, so I don’t. I’m not feeling witty at the moment, and this isn’t going the sexual route. A minute or so passes before he res
ponds.
Julian:
Hello?
Alexa
:
Yes
.
Julian:
The song you sent was great. Didn’t respond in
kind.
Julian:
I have no problem telling you how I feel in my own words. Do you want to he
ar it?
My heart starts to beat rapidly, and I swear my palms start to sweat.
Do I?
Alexa:
I
guess.
Julian:
Stop freaking out. It’s all good, baby. Let’s talk. Tonight. Face to
Face.
Julian:
I actually hate texting. You say
where.
How does he know I’m freaking out? Damn. I can’t even hide my feelings from him over a
text.
Alexa:
My place. 8. Need address
again?
Julian:
7? Dinner? No to ad
dress.
Alexa:
Can’t…Have pl
ans. 8
Julian:
Plans?
Date?
It is obvious Julian doesn’t like to be told no. I’m sure he’s used to getting his way, and I’m sure women have no problem changing their plans for him all the time. I’m not going to. As much as I’m dying to see Julian, I don’t want to seem too anxious, and I also really need to talk to
Luke.
Alexa:
Plans. See you at 8…my
house
The fact he’s so anxious to see me has me feeling so much better. He’s also being rather
bossy.
Julian:
Cancel
plans.
Alexa:
Bossy
much?
I’m not going to tell him I’m meeting with Luke for a quick drink. Julian has no clue what happened between us, and I’m not going to tell him either. I’ve never kept Luke separate from other men in my life, but something deep inside of me tells me I need t
o now.
Julian:
Yes. Used to calling the shots. You know that. Plans must be impo
rtant.
I do know that about him, and I find it incredibly hot. I want to tell him that nothing feels as important as seeing him, but I do also want to see Luke, and I already made plans. But, I don’t say any of that. When I don’t respond right away to his last text, Julian must get the message that I’m not going to give him any additional information about my
plans.
Julian:
See you at 8
then.
Alexa:
Hasta luego,
Julian
Julian:
Hasta luego, co
razón.
Well that went pretty well. Now I just have to figure out how not to freak out for the next four and a half hours. I get back to work, but to be honest, I don’t get anything done. I can’t stop thinking about Julian coming over tonight. I told him to come to my place because I want to feel like I have some control if things go badly again. Translation: if I frea
k out.
I text Luke to tell him I’ll see him at Callahan’s at six thirty and also send a group text to Marissa and Shannon to let them know I’m meeting Luke for a drink and then Julian at our house after. I’m so caught up in my man drama I forget to even tell them about my prom
otion.
Shannon:
Busy girl. Sure you can keep all your men str
aight?
Shannon:
Have fun, cya later. btw at C’s to
night.
Marissa:
K. I’m going out too. Be home
late.
Alexa:
Crap. I’m going to be alone wit
h him?
Shannon:
You will be ok.
Relax.
Marissa:
Hav
e fun!
It looks like Julian and I will have the house to ourselves. I can’t decide if that’s a bad or a good thing. All I know is that I have massive butterflies in my st
omach.
The afternoon flies by, and soon it’s six o’clock and time to go. I’ve been waiting for an e-mail from a client, so I check my messages one last time before I go. I see a new message from Julian in my inbox, and I can’t click on it fast enough. He sent me the lyrics for the whole song, and like me, highlighted the most meaningful
ones.
To: Alexa Reed—
[email protected]&Minvestmentgro
up.com
From: Julian Bauer—
[email protected]
es.com
Subj: Until I get to say my own
words
When I first saw you standing
there,
You know, was a little hard not to
stare.
So nervous when I drove you
home,
I know, being apart’s a little hard to
bear.
“All or Nothing”—Theory of A D
eadman
BTW, you looked hot today. Love the shoes. See you
soon.
Julian
I can’t keep the huge smile off of my face. Could this really be possible? Julian seems to really just
get
me. He took the time to find a song that would help me see how he’s feeling. I can’t ask for anything better. Before I shut my computer down, I reply so he knows I saw
this.
To: Julian Bauer—
[email protected]
es.com
From: Alexa Reed—
[email protected]&Minvestmentgro
up.com
Subj
: 100%
Perfect
. . .
BTW you always look hot. Curious what the P stands for? Tell me
at 8.
Alexa
I shut everything off, lock up, and head out the door. I text Luke on my way to m
y car.
Alexa:
Just left, be there
in 25.
Luke:
K. Just got
here.
Callahan’s is a restaurant and bar located in between our houses. Luke lives in Coral Gables, and we’re in Coconut Grove. We found this place a year ago and hang out here regularly. The bartenders and staff all know us, and the food is pretty good. On my way there, I realize how hungry I am. My stomach was so nervous after seeing Julian that I didn’t finish my lunch. I see Luke’s car when I pull into the parking lot. I also see Lauren’s. I can’t believe he invited her here tonight. He obviously doesn’t want to talk about what happened the other night even though we really need to. He did apologize for being such an ass, but there’s definitely still tension between us. He’s using Lauren as a buffer, and I’m kind of pissed now. Not only is there tension between Luke and me, but this thing with Lauren is making me not feel so warm and fuzzy toward her. We’re pretty good friends and coworkers, and we really need to get along. Well, at least for another month until I move locations. That’s another thing. I wanted to talk to Luke about this promotion, but I’m not ready to share it with Lauren. She’s great at her job, but she may not be as excited about my new opportunity as I am. I push all those thoughts aside, put on my happy face, and head into the restaurant. This has been a great day so far, and I don’t want anybody or anything ruini
ng it.
It is pretty quiet for a Thursday evening, and I see Luke and Lauren at a table near the bar right away. They have their backs turned and can’t see me. They’re sitting very close to each other, and their body language tells me they have crossed over the “just friends” line. All of a sudden, I feel like an intruder and like I’ll be interrupting them if I walk over. I’m struck by how unfamiliar these feelings are. I’ve never felt uncomfortable around Luke and any of his girls, ever. I duck into the bathroom before they see me and try to decide if I’m going to stay or send a text, sneak out, and cancel the plans. I choose the latter and walk quickly to my car. I pull out of the parking lot and around the corner before I send the
text.
Alexa:
Change of plans. Something came up. Sorry. See you this we
ekend?
Luke:
Really?
What?
I’m not surprised that he’s questioning me. I know my behavior toward him isn’t the norm either. What surprises me is how easily I’m lying to him. I feel justified though. He chose to change our plans when he knows we need to talk. I try to think of a quick, believable response. I can’t say it has anything to do with work because Lauren might figure that out. I don’t want to say I don’t feel well either because I was fine a half hour ago. I go with the next thing that pops in my
mind.
Alexa:
Marissa just texted. Needs me to bring something to her parents’ house fo
r her.
Luke:
Um ok. Can’t wait until after? I have to be at work by 9:00. Can’t stay
long.
I’m not sure why he’s making a big deal out of this, unless he wants me to see him with Lauren. He clearly was not interested in any kind of alone time with me. I decide I’m probably right, but I can’t let him know I know she was
there.
Alexa:
Nope. Sorry. Going now
. ttyl
Luk
e:
Ok
.
That’s it. Just okay? He never responded to me asking about hanging out this weekend. Oh. Wha
tever.
My next text is to J
ulian.
Alexa:
Plans cancelled. I’m heading home. Come by earlier if you
want.
His reply comes right
away.
Julian:
Glad you realized I’m more important. I’m nearby. Have you
eaten?
Alexa:
haha. No, haven’t eaten. Starvin
g too
.
Julian:
I’ll feed you. Cub
an ok?
Alexa:
I love Cub
an (s)
I can’t help myself and threw that in
there.
Julian:
hmm … Sounds promising. What do you
want?
Alexa:
Ropa Vieja and a café con leche. Por
favor
.
Julian:
Got it. See you in
a few.
I have no idea what Julian is doing so close by, but he pulls up less than a half hour after I told him to come over. With food. It’s only seven fifteen, and I haven’t even had a chance to change out of my work clothes yet. I’m sifting through my mail when I hear the doorbell ring. My heart starts to beat rapidly, and I start feeling anxious, as if I’m meeting a blind date. I open the door and see Julian standing there with a few bags in his hands. He has a huge smile on his face. He has changed into a cerulean-blue T-shirt, loose-fitting khaki shorts, and Reef flip-flops. He looks so young and relaxed, and I love seeing him like this. It immediately puts me at ease. I almost forget that we’re planning on having a serious conversation to
night.
“Come in. Food smells great.” I step to the side and let him enter. He leans down and kisses me on the forehead as he walks by. It’s a friendly kiss and not exactly the contact I’m craving. I guess we have some stuff to work out first
.
I lead him toward the kitchen, and he puts the bags down on the co
unter.
Julian starts to take the food out of the bags and turns his head toward me. “
Paul.”
“Paul?” I have no idea what he’s talking
about.
“You asked me what the P stood for.
Paul.”
I smile brightly at him. “Sorry, I forgot. I was distracted by the food.” And by his hotness I migh
t add.
“Just the food?” Julian is acting so relaxed and playful and already looks at home in my kitchen. I stop for a moment and let the warm feeling settle in. I’m going to try my very best to enjoy his company. I raise my eyebrows at him and shrug my shoulders. He knows he’s a huge distraction
to me.
I get some plates and utensils out and bring them to the table. We have an eat-in kitchen, so the table is right there. I grab the food Julian has taken out and bring it over as well. I notice there’s only one coffee there and ask him what he wants to
drink.
“We have beer, wine, water, Diet Coke, milk …” He laughs at my waitress impre
ssion.
“Just water please.” I grab two bottles out of the refrigerator and sit down. He follo
ws me.
“Do you have a middle name, Al
exa?”.
“
Rose.”
“A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” Julian looks up from his food and smiles at me when I thank him for the compliment. It’s the same thing he said to me when I told him my name the first night w
e met.
“I’ve heard your friends refer to you with different nicknames. Which do you prefer? Alexa, Lexie, Lex, Alex?” I’m impressed he’s paid atte
ntion.
“Well, Alexa always works. I’m kind of picky about who calls me Lexie or Lex, and nobody that knows me calls me Alex. I think you need to really know someone before you call them by a nickname. It’s a personal thing.” As I ramble this off, I realize I’m making it sound like I’d rather Julian not call me a nic
kname.
And that’s exactly the way he takes it. “Okay, Alexa i
t is.”
“You can call me anything you want, Julian. We have definitely gotten pers
onal.”
I try and play it off, but I can see he’s a little offended. I change the conversation, and pretty soon we’re talking about our favorite Cuban dishes and which restaurants we think make the best food. As the time passes, I’m less and less anxious and actually start to believe I can undo the craziness that happened last weekend. I wonder if we’re even going to talk about it at all. We finish eating, clean up the kitchen, and go into the living room. Julian sits down in one of the two armchairs there. It’s the one place I can’t sit next to him, and my heart sinks when I decipher the meaning. He doesn’t want to be close to me. I ask him to give me a minute so I can go change out of my work clothes. Plus, I need a minute to regroup. I change into a pair of khaki, drawstring shorts and a black V-neck T-shirt, take a few deep breaths, and head back out to the living
room.
I sit down on the couch opposite the chair where he is and tuck my feet up under me. I’ve made sure I’m as far away as possible. My walls are up, and I’m sure my posture is defensive. I can feel the tension seeping out of me. He lifts his eyebrows and shakes his head but doesn’t move or say anything about where I’m si
tting.
“This is a nice house. How long have you lived
here?”
“Shannon, Marissa, and I moved in about a year and a half ago. Shannon’s uncle owns it, and when the last renters moved out, he offered us an amazing deal. I actually feel bad because I know he could get so much more than we pay. It’s the perfect size and location for us, and we all love living
here.”
He asks me about Shannon and Marissa, and I tell him we were roommates in college and have been best friends for years. We make small talk about where they work and if they’re single, etc. I’m not sure he really cares about my friends, but it’s pleasant small talk. For the first hour, I was okay with the slow pace of our conversation, but as time passes, I’m finding I want to talk about us. I’m still unnerved by the fact that Julian is sitting across the room instead of next
to me.
After about a half hour, Julian gets up and asks me where the bathroom is. I point to the hall and tell him it’s the first door on the left. When he comes back, he finally sits next to me on the couch. He’s closer, but not close enough, and aside from the kiss on my forehead when he walked in, he has not touched me. It’s been close to 130 hours since he’s touched me. I counted when he went to the bathroom. What’s bothering me most is that he doesn’t seem to need to touch me like the first two times we were tog
ether.
He stares at me intensely. “Your eyes are so beautiful. They kind of remind me of my own.” I can’t help but smirk as he says
this.
“Hmm. That’s an interesting compli
ment.”
“You know what I mean; the color, it’s the same as mine.” As I stare back into his eyes, I do see they’re the exact same color as mine. They’re a dark forest green and virtually absent of any other shades. His lashes are longer and thicker than mine, which is just totally unfair. I tell him that I noticed the similarities the first time I me
t him.
Julian closes his eyes for a minute, takes a deep breath, opens his eyes again, and then really, and I mean really, fixes his gaze on me. In his eyes, I see an invitation and a dare. He’s daring me to really see him. It’s like he’s opened himself up to me and is giving me a quick peek into his soul. I try to take it all in and memorize everything I see. I see lust, and I see the desire and determination of a man who’s used to getting what he wants. I see the skepticism and wariness of someone who has a very hard time trusting people. I see the pain of someone who has been deeply hurt by someone he loved. I see the same things I saw the night we slept together. I feel like I’m looking into a mirror, and I wonder if he sees the same emotions reflected back. I’m drowning in his eyes, and I have to look
away.
I hear Julian sigh and think to myself,
Here it comes
. Time to get down to business. At once I can feel the whole direction of the evening change and set out on a different course. It’s the proverbial shifting of
gears.
“Are you ready to talk now, Alexa? Because we don’t have to, if you really don’t wan
t to.”
I don’t think I’ve done anything tonight that has indicated an unwillingness to talk, and I tell h
im so.
“Maybe not. But it’s so obvious to me you become extremely uncomfortable when the energy between us becomes emotionally charged. Can we talk about
that?”
“What is there to talk about, Julian? You’re right, and there’s no reason for me to deny it. You have witnessed my “uncomfortableness” up-c
lose.”
“Why?”
“Why
what?”
“Why are you so uncomfortable around me? Or is it me? I’m assuming it is, but maybe it’s just the way you are.” I want to tell him yes, Julian, it’s you and these intense feelings you’re stirring up in me that are freaking me out. Oh yeah, and it’s also because I’m a little screwed up in the emotional department too. But I refer to the song I sent him in
stead.
“I thought you understood why I feel the way I do. I sent you those lyrics to help explain.” I think about the song for a minute and wonder if he really got the meaning like he said h
e did.
“Those lyrics tell me you’re scared of getting hurt. Have I done something to make you think I’m going to hurt
you?”
“No, Julian. You’ve been great. Really. But I don’t know that the average person sets out to intentionally hurt another person. It just happens, and I’ve been hurt enough to last a life
time.”
That last part slips out, and I want to kick myself. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Why did I say
that?
Julian tilts his head and asks quietly, “Who hurt you so badly, A
lexa?”
I think about my words carefully before I spit them out. I know I can say enough to satisfy his curiosity without letting him in too close. I’m super good at doing that. “An ex-boyfriend. It started great, and it ended very badly. But that’s a story for another time. We were talking abou
t us.”
The look in his eyes tells me he isn’t at all satisfied with my answer, but he doesn’t press me further. Bullet d
odged.
“Plus,” I continue, “You did tell me you were going to let me know how
you
were fee
ling.”