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“And you honestly don’t think he could be interested in me? I mean really interested?” I brace myself and wait for his answer. I know he’ll be h
onest.

“Lex, any man who isn’t interested in you is an asshole. So, no, I have no doubt he’s
interested
in you. Interested in what is the ques
tion.”

His response warms my heart and loosens me up. “Well, he clearly isn’t after my money because he has tons of that himself. And I hope he isn’t interested in my virtue because I lost that when I was seven
teen.”

Luke starts laughing and shakes his head at me. I know we’re close to being okay. His next question just cuts through all the beating around the bush, and I’m glad he asks. “Are you seeing
him?”

“Yes.” I breathe the words out, and a weight lifts off my shoulders. I don’t want to hide this from Luke. I can tell by the look on his face he really didn’t want yes to be my answer, but he doesn’t ask any other ques
tions.

“And you and Lauren?” We still need to address that issu
e too.

“We’ve hung out a few times.” In Lukespeak, that means had sex a few
times.

He didn’t push the issue about Julian, so I don’t push about Lauren. However, I do need to say something about yesterday at Callahan’s. “Next time we plan to meet alone, can you please let me know ahead of time if things ch
ange?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “I told her I was meeting you there after work, and she just showed up. I didn’t invite her, and I didn’t know how to tell her to leave.” I know Luke, and I know he’s telling me the truth. I’m so happy to hear he didn’t invite her there just to piss me off. I nod, letting him know I believ
e him.

We both finish our meals. He gets out of his seat and tells me he needs to use the bathroom before he leaves. He starts to walk away and then turns back to face me. He looks a little nervous, “Are we okay, L
exie?”

I smile brightly at him so he knows I mean it when I say, “We’re great,
Luke.”

I pull out my phone when Luke goes to the bathroom and see I got a text from Julian about ten minutes ea
rlier.

Julian:
Hola, corazón. What’s your sexy ass
doing?

All this talk about honesty obviously has me not thinking clearly, and I tell Julian what my stupid sexy ass is
doing.

Alexa:
Having lunch with Luke. Call you
soon.

I wait a minute and get no response. Crap. He always responds so quickly to my e-mails and texts. Dumb move,
Alexa.

Alexa:
J
ulian?

Julian:
Yes
Alexa?

Shit. Now I know what he meant about hearing a tone through texting. He’s p
issed.

Alexa:
I’ll call you
soon.

Julian:
You said that al
ready.

Alexa:
You didn’t re
spond
.

Julian:
Nothing to say about what you’re
doing
.

Julian:
Nothing you want to hear at
least
.

I have no idea what he’s talking about but know I need to finish lunch before I get into it with him. My suspicion that something happened between Luke and Julian grows, and I make a mental note to ask Julian about it
later.

Luke comes back from the bathroom, and I get up and follow him outside. He wraps his arms around me and picks me up in another bear hug. We usually kiss each other hello and good-bye on the lips, but in light on our recent disclosures, it doesn’t seem approp
riate.

“Later, Hooka.” He walks off down the street to his car, and I do the
same.

I get into my car and head back to work. I put my phone on Bluetooth and call Julian. He doesn’t answer, and I immediately assume he doesn’t want to talk to me. He was just texting me a few minutes ago, so I know he has his phone with him. I leave him a message asking him to call me back. Damn. Why did I say I was with Luke? Okay, why wouldn’t I say I was with Luke? I really need to get to the bottom of this. For about five seconds, I was happy. Julian and I were great. Luke and I were almost great. Now Julian is pissed. I can’
t win.

I pull up to a light and check my e-mail on my phone to see if I have any messages from Julian. Nothing. I check again to see if he has texted me back. Nothing. I call again, and this time it goes straight to voicemail. I try to convince myself he’s not ignoring me, but in my gut I know I’ve upset him. A switch flips on in my brain, and I start to feel consumed with my need to talk to him right now. But with me there’s only a window of time where I feel this way, and today it lasts for the drive back to work. Then the switch flips the other way, and if I can’t talk to him now, then I won’t talk to him at all. I swear I feel like I can’t control it. I start getting all worked up, and I feel the panic setting in. Damn it! It’s the same thing over and over. I’m not sure why this is happening now, but it is, and I can’t st
op it.

By the time I pull into my parking spot, I’m a mess and heading right into a full-blown anxiety attack. My heart is racing, and my palms are sweaty. I’m shaking, and my whole body is tensing up. There is tightness in my chest, and I’m having a hard time catching my breath. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. I know the impending sense of doom I feel is irrational right now, and I try really, really hard to calm myself. I know this will pass. I haven’t had a panic attack in over two months, and they usually only last about ten minutes. I focus on the clock in my car and start to count slowly. Gradually my pulse slows down, and my breathing evens out. I sit in my car for another ten minutes to make sure this attack was flying solo today. I take a big drink of water from the bottle I carried out of the restaurant, turn my phone off, and head into the building. The same words keep running through my mind over and over.
Fuck this
! I’m so not doing this
again.

When I get back into the office, I’m greeted by some customers in the lobby. Everyone else is out, and the receptionist tells me they have been waiting for about ten minutes. The last thing I want to do is show properties, but I have no choice. I tell them to hang on a second and go throw my stuff into my desk. I don’t check my phone or e-mail. I end up showing units for about an hour and a half, and it turns out it was just what I needed. The customers are an older couple from New York who want to snowbird in Miami. They’re friendly, funny, and keep telling me stories about their grandkids. It totally takes my mind off of Julian, and by the time I say good-bye to them back in the office, I feel much b
etter.

It’s already three thirty. I haven’t looked at my phone or personal e-mail since around one thirty, and I’m not going to. If anyone is trying to contact me for work, I know they can reach me through the main number. I also know I’m going to get shit for this too. I used to have my phone on me 24-7. Now I have it off or on silent more often than not. Sometimes I retreat into my own world, and to be honest, I just don’t want to talk to anyone unless I have to. That’s where I am right now. My parents, sisters, Marissa, Shannon, and Luke are constantly on my case about it, but I haven’t changed. It’s become a coping mechanism and one I use often. It is never a good idea and always ends up making someone mad at me. You’d think I’d
learn.

Chapter Eighteen

I’m off this weekend and happy about it. I’ve pretty much worked at least one day every weekend for the last eight months. Most weekends, it has been both days. Now that there are only a few units to sell, the traffic is light. Ramon likes to work the weekends, and I take advantage of it. I sit at my desk for about an hour doing some paperwork and then decide to leave early. I make sure the floor is covered, and head home. It’s a relatively nice day today, and going for a run sounds like a great idea. I’m really emotionally and physically tired and decide I’ll only do a few miles. I started running a few months ago. I never understood the fascination until I found it was the one thing I could do that would help make the bad fade away. I change into running shorts and a tank, put my sneakers and headphones on, and go. I hit my stride easily, and pretty soon I’m totally absorbed in my music and the feel of my muscles working. I have a normal route through my neighborhood and cover three miles in great time. I’m rounding the corner onto my street in a slow jog when I notice the black Jaguar in my driveway. Holy hell, it’s Julian. I’m tempted to run the other way, but he spots me before I can flee. He’s at my house? Really? I’m not sure I even want to see him and certainly not looking and smelling like
this.

He’s leaning against his car when I get to the driveway. He isn’t smiling and doesn’t say any
thing.

I catch my breath for a minute before I say anything. Obviously he’s waiting for me to talk. I skip the pleasantries. “What are you doing here, Ju
lian?”

“Well hello, Alexa. How are
you?”

“Hot and thirsty. I need some water.” I turn to walk into the house. I look back at him, shrug, and lift my hands up as if to ask if he’s coming in. I unlock the door, and he follows me into the kitchen. I’m very aware I’m acting bitchy, but I can’t help it. I remind myself of the panic attack I had today before I turn and face him. He’s leaning up against the island in the kitchen with his beautiful, long legs crossed, and he looks so damn good I almost cave. He looks like he just stepped off the cover of a magazine. He’s wearing white cotton pants, a plain, light brown T-shirt that shows off all of his muscles, and canvas loafer sneakers. He didn’t shave today, and I decide right then I prefer when he doesn’t. Damn. It’s not fair. I stare at him, and I swear I forget why I’m even mad at him. Unfortunately, looking at me all sweaty in my workout clothes doesn’t have the same effect on him. He clearly remembers he’s mad
at me.

“Is something wrong with your phone, Alexa? Because I’ve been calling it for the last four and a half fucking hours, and you haven’t answered
once.”

Oh, he’s really pissed. This is the first time I’ve heard him cuss outside of the proverbial bedroom. I shrug and reply, “It must be off.” Lame, I know. But I have a feeling nothing I say is going to make this
okay.

He’s about to respond when Marissa walks in the door. I’ve never been so happy to see her. That lasts about a minute. She walks into the kitchen, sees the look on Julian’s face, and then totally sells me out. “You need to keep your damn phone on, Lexie, or I’m going to charge you for being your secretary.” I shoot poison darts at her head with my eyes. “Your mom, dad, and Jill have all called looking for you this afternoon. I’m sure Julian would have too if he knew my number, r
ight?”

She looks at Julian, and he nods his head in agreement. Fuck, now they’re forming an all
iance.

“I finally called your work, and they said you went home early. I was so glad to hear you were a
live.”

Julian chimes in, “Me too.” I think he’s enjoying Marissa yelling at me. It saves him the tr
ouble.

I take a big drink of water. “Dramatic
much?”

“Seriously, Lex. I’m over this thing with you going dark. It fucking worries me bec
ause—”

I cut her off before she says anything else. I don’t need her to start talking about how I sometimes used to go days without talking to anyone or answering my phone. I walk over and give her a hug and whisper I’m sorry in her ear. She pushes my sweaty arms away, gives me a little smile, and walks away to her
room.

“Looks like I’m not the only one who’s pissed at you, Alexa.” Julian is smirking and enjoying this a little too
much.

I turn and face him. “You have no reason to be pissed at me, Julian. I called you back. You didn’t answer. I went back to work, turned my phone off, and forgot about it. I was
busy.”

“Can we talk about this in your room?” I’m not sure being in my room with him is a good idea if I plan on staying mad, but I agree Marissa doesn’t need to hear what I’m sure is going to be a not so nice discussion about my behavior. I walk to my room, and he follows. He shuts the door behind me and sits on my bed. I’m still sweaty and really don’t want to touch any
thing.

“Can I at least take a shower before you yell at me?” I don’t wait for a response and head into the bathroom. I take a quick shower, wash my hair, and hop out. I run a brush through my hair and quickly realize I haven’t brought any clothes with me into the bathroom. Thank God I have a robe in here. It’s short, lacy, and leopard print, but it covers my body. I’m not trying to throw any kind of sex vibe off. I’m still trying to be mad. It’s getting harder and harder though because I’m not sure I really ever was mad. I just freaked, had a panic attack, and decided it was all Julian’s fault. Oh
geez.

When I open the door, Julian is laying back on my bed with his arms crossed over his face. His feet are on the floor, and his shirt is riding up so I can see a hint of his muscular, flat stomach. Did I mention it’s almost impossible to stay mad at someone who is this hot? I walk over to my dresser and grab a pair of panties, a bra, jean shorts, and a tank and head back to the bathroom to c
hange.

“I’ve seen you naked already, Alexa,” Julian says from under his
arms.

My back is to him, so he can’t see the smile on my face. I love that he feels so comfortable here already and that he thinks us changing in front of each other is where we’re at. Unfortunately, I’m still feeling the need to have my emotional suit of armor on, never mind my clothes. I dress quickly and come back out. Julian is sitting up now, and I sit next to him on the bed. He looks straight ahead as if he’s trying to
focus.

“I’m just going to cut right to the chase so we can get on with the night. I started this day thinking about all the things I wanted to do with you and to you tonight, and arguing didn’t make the list. So the sooner we talk about whatever we need to, the sooner I can start putting my hands and mouth on you.” My stomach flutters, and my sex clenches when he talks about things he wants to do
to me.

“I was pissed when you texted me you were having lunch with Luke. I don’t understand your relationship with him, but that’s a conversation I don’t think we should have tonight. I reacted badly, and I’m sorry for that. I was working out when you called me back, and I couldn’t answer. I called you when I finished and kept calling until like four thirty. I finally called your office, and your receptionist said you had just left for the day. Like Marissa, I was happy to hear you were okay and that you really had been at work.” He says the last part quietly and finally looks at me. He isn’t mad an
ymore.

At first I don’t understand why he would question me being at work, and then I get it. Oh crap! He thought I was with Luke, and that’s why I didn’t answer my
phone.

“We just had lunch, Julian. We had plans last night, and I cancelled them to be with you instead. Did you think I was with him all after
noon?”

“I don’t want to talk about Luke anymore, Alexa. I was serious about that. What’s with the phone though? Have you even looked at it all
day?”

Okay. I’ll run with that. I really don’t want to talk about Luke either. “No, I haven’t.” And I should have, seeing as Marissa told me my family was looking for me. I tell Julian to hang on a minute as I get my phone from my purse. I turn it on and stay in the living room for a minute while it powers on. Wow. Twenty-two missed calls. I look at the texts. They all basically say the same thing.
Where the hell are you, answer your phone
, etc. I read the messages as I walk back into my room. The last one is from
Luke.

Luke:
You looked beautiful today. Glad we talked.
Luv u

I read it and immediately delete it before Julian or anyone else sees it. That even sounds like a boyfriend text
to me.

Julian is now propped up against my pillows, with his shoe
s off.

“Make yourself comfortable.” I offer up a teasing tone in hopes we can just erase the drama of the last few hours and go back to the good feelings we had this morning when we were planning a great
night.

“Thanks.” He smiles, and I know he isn’t really mad anymore. “Your bed is pretty comfortable, but something is missing.” He pats the empty space next to him. I climb into my bed and snuggle up next to him. He puts his arm around me and lets me lean into his chest. I inhale and breathe him in. My heart starts to race, and I get butterflies in my stomach. I wonder if I’ll always get this feeling when we’re close like this. I ho
pe so.

I still have my phone in my hand and ask him to give me a minute. I send a quick group text out to everyone who was trying to get in touch with me today. I’m glad my parents actually text. It saves me a
call.

Alexa:
Hi everyone. I’m fine. Just super busy at work
today.

Alexa:
Getting ready to go out for night. Call you all tomorrow. Love you
xoxox

Julian is looking down and reading my text as I write it. “Work was
busy?”

I’m not sure why I decide to lie, but I do. “Very.” I turn the phone on silent and put it on my dr
esser.

“Your receptionist told me you left early because it was slow. She shouldn’t have given me that information, but I charmed it out of her.” I look to see if he’s joking, but he’s being totally serious. Okay, I’m busted
again.

“What do you want me to say, Julian? I didn’t want to talk to anyone, so I turned it off. I do that sometimes. It’s really not that big of a
deal.”

“Why?”

“Why do I turn it off or why don’t I want to talk to people sometimes?” I ask for clarification although I don’t really need it. I know what he’s aski
ng me.

“Marissa said you go dark sometimes, which I’m assuming means you check out from your life.
Why?”

Note to self. Kick Marissa’s ass. He’s even using my
Bourne Identity
code word. My roommates and I were watching the movie one day not long after Brady died. I mentioned I wanted to pull a Jason Bourne and go off the grid or go dark so that the world would just leave me alone. I wasn’t in a good place at the time I said it. We looked it up on urbandictionar
y.com.

Going Dark: Slang term in the intelligence world which means you go silent. You don’t speak or communicate with anyone for a given period of time. It’s a way of protecting yourself from someone who would do you
harm.

It’s clearly a little dramatic, and I’m no CIA operative, but it kind of stuck in everyone’s minds. Now they call it that whenever I’m avoiding the
world.

“Honestly, I get overwhelmed by things sometimes, and I just need to shut it all out. It’s how I deal. It’s probably not the best way to handle things, but it’s how I handle th
ings.”

I fully expect Julian to give me a lecture about communicating. Everyone else does. He was just an unwilling participant in one of my going-dark episodes, and he wasn’t happy about it. It was a little one too. I’ve gone for days not talking to a
nyone.

He leans over and kisses me gently on the lips. “Do I overwhelm you, A
lexa?”

I can always count on Julian to hear what I’m not actually saying. “Yes.” I really want this. I want him, and he’s trying really hard to be patient with me. I keep acting crazy, and he keeps coming back for more. Either he’s the crazy one or he’s feeling the same as
I am.

“Can you tell me why? I hate that you feel you need to ‘go dark’ from me.” He sounds sincere and also a little sad. I’m quickly learning Julian has many sides to him. From everything I’ve personally seen and read, his public persona is powerful, confident, and guarded. But I’ve also had the privilege, and it is a privilege, of seeing the side of him that is tender, compassionate, and vulnerable. I know in my gut he doesn’t show this side to many people, and I feel like I’m wasting a gift if I choose not to open up to him. I know there are still many, many things I’m not ready to share with him, but how I’m feeling right now, in his arms, isn’t one of them. I do something really brave and move so that I’m sitting in front of him. I look into his eyes and try to explain to him why I’m acting like
I am.

“Julian, with you, everything is … amplified. My emotions, my desires, they’re stronger than they should be. All of my senses are heightened when you’re around. We’ve only known each other for a few weeks, and yet it feels like so much longer, to me at least. Everything about this thing between us is overwhelming for me. I’ve avoided any emotional involvement for a long time now, and I wasn’t looking for this. I feel like I keep going deeper into water I may not be able to swim in, and when you got mad, or annoyed, or whatever with me and didn’t answer my call, I just didn’t want to deal. So I went dark.” I look down when I finish and notice my hands are shaking. That was such a big deal for me to say all that. He might not understand why, but
I do.