Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (9 page)

“
I am sorry it hurts you so much to be with me.” He buried his face in my neck and held me close. “I feel like I can talk about everything to you. You never get angry with me. I must see you,
Bella Speranza
. I can’t stop seeing you. I want you so bad…”

His breathing deepened and his excitement grew,
now nudging me as his lips slowly traveled across my neck and chest. I marveled at the stamina this man had, and I longed for more. Closing my eyes as he entered my body, I imagined James making love to me. That’s when I decided to keep seeing Tony. I would just imagine James loving me like this.

Because I was hopelessly addicted.

Chapter 8

T
hat night after a quick supper I dropped Jimmy off in the youth building and went to my Bible study class. It’s just for women. James usually attends the class for men, so I don’t always see him if he arrives late. From the looks of things, he might not make it at all. I’d missed several weeks of Bible study already, so I had to go.

But I dreaded it.

Big time.

Ironically, the book our class was in the middle of studying contained a variety of topics, and this week
’s topic was…trust. I cringed inwardly. I doubted I’d be saying anything tonight or I might spill the beans. Besides, my buddy Angela was home sick with her kids, so I didn’t have a close friend in the group. Oh, I had friends, but not ones I’d entrust my deepest, darkest secrets to. Not in this group.

As we opened with prayer I tipped my head down, but I didn
’t close my eyes. It felt too hypocritical to be reverent right now. Yet, I needed some spiritual input before I became so depraved that I stopped attending church altogether. That would be the worst thing I could do to myself and to my family.

So I stuck it out, uncomfortable as I was.

A deep discussion about marital trust ensued after we reviewed the lesson. One woman, Maryanne, shared about her recent separation, and with tears in her eyes told the group that she didn’t know if she could ever forgive her husband for the adulterous affair he’d been involved in.

Tears now cascading down her cheeks, she said,
“I love him, but I don’t trust him, so I don’t think I could ever love him again like a wife should. And that scares me.”

I reflected on my own situation and anger stirred within me. My husband had neglected me so much that he
’d practically nudged me on to another man’s lap. I opened my mouth to speak, but thought better of it.

“
Hope, something on your mind?” Annabelle asked.

Annabelle, who never had any problems of her own. Or at least none that she would openly share with the group. And she expected me to open my heart? Hardly!

“Just wondering how things got so bad.” I looked at the tearful young lady and handed her a tissue. “Did you sense something was wrong before you found out?”

Okay, maybe that sounded insensitive, but I really wondered, and had some questions of my own. Maybe she had some insight that would help me.

Maryanne twisted the tissue in her hands. “I don’t know. Maybe because I was working a lot and going to school. I would be so tired. My husband wanted sex every night and I was just too exhausted to get enthusiastic, you know?”

I soaked in that information as I listened to the other
’s comments.

“
That gave him no right to break your wedding vows. If he loved you like he said he did, then he’d be faithful to you. I don’t think you should go back to him,” Claire said angrily as her fist hit the table.

Claire
’s husband had left her two years ago and she still held a lot of anger against him. Now her daughters had no discipline and dressed like little hookers. Claire’s whole life seemed to have gone down the tubes. I used to empathize more with her, thinking she was an innocent victim, but now I wasn’t sure. Maybe her anger had alienated them all.

The more deeply I got sucked into my affair, the more I realized that there was more to the sin than what was obvious to everyone else. There was a deep hurt, a lack of communication, and selfishness on both ends. Sure, there were probably rare occasions when someone cheated on their spouse for no apparent reason, but at this point I was convinced it took two people to make a marriage weak enough to succumb to adultery.

“Have you thought about counseling?” The words slipped out of my mouth before I could hold them back.

Maryanne blinked.
“I…I don’t know. I guess I hadn’t thought about it.”

“
Has he given any indication that he might want to make your marriage work?”

She nodded.
“Yes, Raymond calls me every night, crying and saying he is very sorry. He says he didn’t mean to hurt me.” Maryanne wiped her nose. “But how can I ever trust him again?”

“
Depends on how much you love him, I guess. I think you have to make a decision to trust your spouse, whether you feel like it or not. Trust is a decision, just like love is.”

I couldn
’t believe my own ears. Here I sat spouting words of wisdom to the hurting women around me, and just this morning I’d had a wildly sensual and adulterous encounter with a man who was not only NOT my husband, but a married man himself. No one could feel more depraved than I, or more guilty, but I still couldn’t share the truth about myself with them. I was too afraid.

However, I did test the waters with a  question, just to see the response I
’d get.

“
What if you were say, twenty-five years old and your husband just stopped paying attention to you. No reason given. What would you do? Would you do like Tamar in the Old Testament and try to seduce him anyway, like she did when she waited on the side of the road? Or would you be faithful to him no matter what?”

“
What a ridiculous scenario. No man would do that!” Claire rolled her eyes. “All men want is sex, sex, and more sex.”

Annabelle coughed. I looked at her.
“Not all men. My husband stopped paying attention to me about a year before he died from his heart attack.”

“
Yeah, but he was fifty. That’s
not
twenty-five.” Claire snorted.

I peered at Annabelle, amazed at the sensitivity of her disclosure. She
’d never shared personal things before. Never! I’d thought she was as close to perfect as a Christian woman could get.

Wondering how she handled her situation, I asked,
“How’d you deal with the pain?”

Annabelle shrugged.
“I prayed a lot, wept a lot. In the end I realized it was his health more than anything that had made him pull away from me. His circulation was messed up from his heart condition and neither of us realized that’s what had caused his problems. If he had seen a doctor for his impotency, maybe he would’ve gotten it fixed before his heart gave out on him.”

“
Really?” I blinked.

Could James have a health problem that was causing his difficulty? He was almost the same age. Maybe there was hope after all! Excitement bubbled within me until I thought about the past few weeks and what I
’d done behind my husband’s back. I wanted so much to tell him, and at the same time I never wanted him to know. It would kill him to find out that I was no different than the others who had cheated on him.

“
Yes. But it’s too late now.” Annabelle sighed. “I just wish I hadn’t held it against him. It wasn’t his fault, but at the time I thought he didn’t want me anymore.” She grabbed a tissue and wiped her nose.

That was the most emotion I
’d ever seen from her in all the years we’d attended the same church. So why couldn’t I open up?

Because I was the other woman. It was different for me.

The affair was my fault.

“
You okay?” Maryanne tapped my hand.

I hadn
’t realized until my chin started itching that I was crying. Shaking my head no, I stood and excused myself. Running into the bathroom, I sat in a stall and sobbed. Nothing was worth this kind of heartache! Not even Tony.

When I finally looked presentable, I exited the ladies
’ room. My husband stood at the end of the hall talking to our pastor. I watched as the pastor laid hands on James and prayed for him. James wept and hugged our pastor tight, slapping him on his back like men do when they’re trying to be affectionate without getting too intimate.

Jimmy sat at a table in the rec room with his friend and had a deck of cards in his hands. Since he didn
’t seem ready to leave anyway, I approached my husband and the pastor. “Hey, James, Pastor.”

My husband held me tight and whispered into my ear,
“I told the pastor about my problem. That we can’t…you know…I…I want us to get some counseling, Hope.”

Shock from his statement hit me like ice water to my chest, making me suck in my breath. He
’d told the pastor that he couldn’t stay aroused? After being so angry and fearful that someone would find out about us? I didn't understand, but supposed I should be thankful we were now heading in the right direction.

“
Okay.” I peered at him, then over at the pastor. Following like a child, I let my husband lead me by the hand to the pastor’s office until he sat down. I eased on to the chair next to my husband. Someone knocked on the door. “Mom, Dad?”

“
Yes, son?”  I cleared my throat.

“
Can I play some more cards before we go home?”

I sighed with relief. He’d be occupied while we talked.

“
Sure, just be back here in fifteen minutes. K?”

“
K, Mom.” I heard his feet slapping the tile flooring as he scampered off.

Our pastor said,
“Let’s open with a word of prayer.”

I bowed my head, but didn
’t close my eyes. I peeked over at James, who captured my gaze with a hopeful look. He really wanted to work on our marriage. I could tell from the look on his face that he wasn’t giving up hope.

“
Amen.”

I rubbed my eyes. I hadn
’t heard the prayer, but I’m sure it was appropriate. Deciding to play it cool, I waited for someone to speak.

“
Hope.” James reached for my hand. “I love you more than life itself. You know that? I don’t ever want to lose you.”

I pinched my eyes shut, trying my best to hold in the pain. Now would
not
be a good time to confess all my sins. I’d never be able to face the pastor or any of my friends again. So I nodded and kept my head down.

“
Listen to me, Hope. I’ve been a jerk. You shouldn’t have to put up with me, but you do. I just want you to know that there is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you. I’ve just been angry with myself. I want to please you, but…”

His voice trailed off and I could tell he was trying to maintain his composure.

“But what?” I asked, eyes wide.

Tell me you
’ll love me even if I had an affair. Tell me, James.

“
I wonder if I can.”

Huh?
“What do you mean, you wonder if you can?”

“
Well, the more I gave you, the more you wanted. It was never enough.”

My defenses went up. Just a little. Okay, more than a little.

“Maybe I’m hurting right now, and when I feel that way I just need more love. I don’t know why you’d think I wanted to have sex every night. I just want some affection, some attention. I need to know you love me and when you won’t touch me or kiss me, it really hurts…” Sobbing, I covered my face with my hand. There, at least I’d gotten it out.

Our pastor interjected.
“James, when your wife doesn’t have a smile on her face you need to find out why. A happy wife glows, and if she’s hurt or angry, it’s your job to find out why and make amends. The Bible commands the husband to love his wife and not deny her. The Scriptures do not command a wife to love her husband. She is to respect him. But love and respect go hand in hand. If you don’t show her that you love her, then she won’t respect you. It’s that simple. Like Christ, you must be the initiator of that love. Do you hear what I’m saying?”

Even if James wasn
’t hearing him, I sure heard every word. But what about me? How is sleeping with another man on the side showing respect to my husband?

I knew the answer. It wasn
’t.

In fact, nothing could hurt a man more than knowing that someone else had slept with his wife. Nothing.

The light of hope inside me flickered out.

Chapter 9

Depression pressed heavily on me, like a weighted vest. My days blended together as I waited for Tony to call, and yet at the same time I wished he would move on and leave me alone. The temptation to sin grew smaller with each passing day.

When Sunday finally arrived, I still had not heard from Tony. I had to conclude that maybe he
’d meant it when he’d said that our last encounter would be the end of our relationship. Even though he didn’t want that when he kissed me goodbye.

He
’d said, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

That was
several days ago. So why didn’t I feel relieved? Instead, a gaping hole existed in my chest and it sucked all joy from my life.

My  husband rose and stood at the end of the aisle as the ushers collected the offering for the service. I wondered if any of the ladies in my Bible study suspected James and I were having problems. My husband was an attractive man, even with his hair thinning on top. He exuded virility.

But looks could be deceptive.

James still hadn
’t tried to make love to me. Not really. Oh, we’d had a bit of an encounter Wednesday night after counseling with our pastor at church, but it wasn’t what I really wanted. I wanted him inside me, and that just didn’t happen.

For the past few nights my husband claimed a stomachache, and for once that didn
’t bother me. My eyes drifted shut and I imagined James gently removing my clothing and loving me like he used to before this whole nightmare happened.

I felt a gentle nudge and bolted awake. Somehow I
’d drifted off during the special music. My husband put his arm over my shoulder. It felt as heavy as a railroad tie across my back. I didn’t want to sit this close. Not now.

I shrugged my shoulders. James obviously got the hint because he allowed a few inches between us.

The pastor switched to Communion and our congregation recited the Lord’s Prayer. I mouthed the words, but didn’t speak them. Jimmy helped with the babies in the nursery, so just James and I sat on the pew together—alone. He noticed I wasn’t speaking and offered me a confused look. My gaze darted away.

When the communion plate came by
, I refused the wafer and the cup. The usher seemed suddenly uncomfortable, like I was the first person he’d ever seen refuse the Lord’s supper before. I knew that taking communion in my fallen state would be disastrous. So I let it pass.

After church James kept glancing at me, but he didn
’t say a word. I couldn’t help wondering what he was thinking, but I didn’t dare ask. That afternoon at our house grew tense as we went about our routine and barely spoke. I felt restless. Why hadn’t Tony called? Why hadn’t he written? Where was he?

James lay on the couch reading and eventually dozed off.

I slipped away and closed the door to the extra room where we kept our computer, and I opened my e-mail. My heart pounded when I saw Tony’s e-mail address. He’d finally written.

I am scared,
Hope. My wife, she come home half hour after you leave my house on Wednesday  and she is now acting strange. She come home a day early. That’s all I can say for now. I think she suspect something. Please do not call me.

Though I didn
’t know if he would get the message right away I decided to write back, 
What happened to make her suspect you?

Within a minute I received a reply.

She in the shower so I must be fast. My wife, she come home and want to have sex and I can’t do anything. She is very mad now.

I snorted. No way.
You couldn’t do anything? I find that hard to believe.

Is true. I never have this problem before. I think she know, but she is not saying.

I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. If what he’d said about his wife was true, she’d make his life a living hell for him if she found out about the affair.

So is this it for us?
I typed. I blinked back tears, hating that I felt such a connection to this man who was not my husband, but wanting him still.

I don
’t know. I still want to see you, but I don’t know how we may do this. I keep thinking my wife catch me with you. She turns off shower now. I must go.

That was it.

The weight on my chest grew more intense until I could barely breathe. I needed to talk to someone I could trust. My mind flitted to everyone I knew and then landed on Angela. I picked up the phone. “Ang? You home?” I asked the machine.

Come on, Ang, answer!

“
I’m here. What’s up, Hope?”

“
I need to talk. Can I come to your house?”

“
Sure. The twins are down for a nap and Jen-Jen is at the neighbor’s playing with their grandkids. I should be free for about an hour.”

“
Great! I’ll be right there.” I hung up the phone and walked over to where James lay sleeping. I didn’t want to disturb him, so I slipped into Jimmy’s room where he sat at his desk, playing a computer game.

“
Hey, Bud.” I ruffled my son’s hair.

“
Yeah?” Jimmy frowned in concentration and didn’t even look up.

“
I’m going to Angela’s for about an hour. Can you hold down the fort?”

“
Sure, Mom.” He licked his lips and clicked his mouse.

With one more kiss to the top of his head, I left and headed straight to Angela
’s house. She met me at the door.

“
You’re such a blessing! I really needed some adult company and here you are!” Angela greeted me with a hug.

I clung to her and couldn
’t let go. “I hate my life. I’m not a blessing. I’m cursed.” Then I sobbed onto my petite friend’s shoulder. I sensed her crying along with me. What a great friend she was, to share my pain.

When I finally mustered the strength to talk, I stepped over to the table and sat down. She held my hands.
“Tell me what’s wrong.”

“
My marriage is a mess, my life is a lie…” Hanging my head in shame, I blinked as tears cascaded onto my jeans with little splashes, like drops of rain. I wondered if God also cried with me now as I released some of the agony I’d been holding inside.

“
Oh, Hope.” Angela wrapped me in a big hug. “You know I still love you, right? No matter what you’ve done?”

I nodded as I lay my head on her shoulder. If only I could tell someone I knew from church. Someone other then Jenna, who I only knew online. But I just couldn
’t. Not now. Maybe not ever. But I wanted so badly to tell someone in person. To release this burden I’d been carrying on the shoulders of one of my dear friends.

The phone rang. Unlike my online friend Jenna, Angela never screened her calls. She stood and reached for the phone.
“Hello?”

I lifted my head and watched as my friend scowled slightly and said,
“She’s right here, sitting across from me.”

I mouthed,
“Is that James?”

Angie nodded.
“I’ll let her know. Bye.”

She hung up the phone.
“He wanted to know if you could pick up some bread on the way home.”

“
That’s it? Then why did you give me that look?”

“
It was how he asked me. Like he expected me to lie and say you were here even if you weren’t. That’s not like him.”

“
True. But he believed you, right?” I swallowed hard.

“
Why wouldn’t he?” Angela released an exasperated breath. “You guys are really something else, you know that?”

“
Sorry. I really should be going. Pray for me, okay?” I blinked back tears as I stood.

“
How do you want me to pray?” Angie touched my shoulder and peered up at me.

Trying not to choke on my tears, I said,
“Just pray for me. When I’m ready, I’ll tell you what’s wrong. I can’t now…not yet.”

“
Okay.” Angie led me to the door and waved as I pulled out of her driveway. And I knew she would do what she’d said. She would pray.

*****

Leaves swirled around me as the fall wind whipped them into little funnels. I turned on the radio and tried to relax. My phone chirped and I recognized the ring tone. Snapping my phone open, I grinned as delight rippled through my chest.

Tony had called.

“Hope? Is me, Tony.”

“
Hey, I’ve missed you.” I tried to sound cheerful, tired of feeling on the verge of tears all the time, my throat tight.

“
Me, too. Listen. Can you meet me behind old warehouse on Frasier Road for few minutes? I need to see you beautiful face.”

“
What about your wife?”  I held the phone tightly and turned my SUV onto the road that led to Frasier.

“
She drives to Rochester to buy paint for house. She take my son and so I am alone. I must work in an hour so I can only see you for few minutes. Is that okay?”

Sighing with relief that I could finally see him again, I bubbled with glee.
“Sure, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

When I pulled up behind the old warehouse I saw a little blue car, but no truck. My heart hammered and I thought I
’d been set up. I was just about to peel out of the parking lot and take off when Tony jumped from the car. “Wait! Is me. I have different car. My wife take truck. I am sorry I not tell you this on the phone.”

My shoulders relaxed and I parked my SUV and cut the engine. Tony climbed inside and we stared at each other for several seconds. He reached for my hand and held it. I sensed that his misery mirrored mine.

“Oh, Tony…” I sighed.

He leaned toward me and his lips covered mine. His kiss intensified so I moved over and sat on his lap. As I eased down, I felt his excitement straining against his pants. Mine mirrored the response of his body, like always. Wishing I had worn a skirt for once and not such tight jeans, I eased onto him and gently rocked.

Though our clothing remained in place, I wanted him to know what he was missing. The heavier his breathing became, the more I knew I had him. I wanted him to long for me, and if I had to stir him up to get him to that place of desperation, I would gladly do it. I didn’t want to suffer alone.

Tony stroked my skin under my shirt and I shuddered. Though I wanted more, I wouldn
’t do anything in broad daylight. Not this time. Not this far into town.

So after several minutes of teasing each other, I nudged away from him.
“I’m sorry, but I have to go. My husband knows around when I left my friend’s house and I still need to go to the store for a loaf of bread.”

Tony grinned and held up his finger.
“One sec.”

He slid out of my SUV, strutted over to the car, and reached inside. Pulling out a loaf of bread like a fisherman with a great catch, he smiled wide.
“I stop by store for bread and peanut butter for residents at rehab and I buy two loaves. Now we have more time.”

I wanted to laugh. I wanted to cry. I wanted this to end. But as he climbed back inside my vehicle and set a loaf of bread on the back seat, I felt warmth wash all over me. Tony cared about me. I just knew he did. And thus our exploration resumed until we
’d steamed up the windows and finally had to part ways.