Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (22 page)

Chapter 23

Two days later I couldn’t get Tony off my mind. I’d worked diligently on translating dictated medical records to distract me from my sensual thoughts, but working didn’t help all that much. Maybe because all of the conversations I’d had with my big sister stirred things up again. Made me long for physical intimacy.

Talking about my escapades with Tony had brought back to mind some of the thrill from the affair, just like discussing needles does to a
heroin addict. And the unfortunate truth was I missed him.

Wrong as I knew it was, I really, really missed him.

In fact, I’d dreamed about Tony the past two nights and woke up excited every time. In my dream-induced fantasies I relived some of our encounters, and the content made me frustrated when I finally woke and found myself alone.

I hated being alone. Worse, I had hated feeling alone when James slept next to me.

My sister didn’t understand the appeal the affair had for me, which was why I went into such detail with her when I described our encounters. So she’d understand why I kept going back and ignored my religious convictions. I needed her to understand.

But sweet Allison just gawked at me like I spoke Japanese, her eyes glazed over, like she couldn
’t fathom it. I knew she wasn’t being judgmental. She simply didn’t get it.

Allison was as close to a nun as any woman I
’d ever met—and she had apparently received the gift of celibacy—something obviously foreign to me. I couldn’t help wondering if our childhood trauma from our mother’s affair had affected her in that way.

I suppose it really didn
’t matter. The truth was I longed for Tony, and it shamed me to admit it to myself, let alone anyone else. But I couldn’t help it. My heart ached.

Plus, I was a bit afraid to tell my big sister how I still felt about Tony since she obviously didn
’t get the sexual-emotional piece. Heck, I didn’t understand it either.

The affair was so wrong, yet my heart still clung to that emotion I had experienced when Tony had brought me to the heights of ecstasy. My mind couldn
’t seem to shake that memory either. In fact, it haunted me.

My sister went for a walk with Jimmy before supper, so prior to cooking, I decided to call my online friend Jenna and confide in her before they returned.

Stirring the gravy, I inhaled the meaty scent. When I finished preparing it, I set the spoon on a small plate and dialed her number.

“
Jenn, you home?” I turned the knob on the stove to simmer as I waited for my friend to pick up the phone. I’d learned from experience that nine times out of ten she was actually home and just listening to see who called before picking up.

A tiny chill
—like a shock wave of anxiety—zinged up my spine when she answered.

“
Hope? I was wondering when you’d call me. How’s your husband doing?”

My shoulders sagged
, and I sat on a kitchen stool facing away from the stove. “I really don’t know. He apologized for yelling at me and saying he wanted a divorce, but he hasn’t contacted me or Jimmy in the past two days—not since he apologized.”

“
I’ll pray that things between you improve. So what’s up?”

I swallowed hard. If anyone would understand my wayward thoughts
, it would be Jenna. She seemed to understand just about anything I shared. “I…I miss Tony.”

She sighed, as if she knew I
’d been holding back.

“
I wondered when you were going to admit that. But don’t worry, I hear you. I remember feeling the same way when I broke off that illicit Internet relationship I’d had with the man I’d told you about. I cried for days on end. Sometimes I was inconsolable.”

“
But Jenna, don’t you think that’s so wrong? I should be missing my husband, not my former lover! What’s wrong with me?” My voice cracked with frustration.

“
True. But what reason has James given you to long for him? He ignored your sexual needs for months on end, then called you horrible names, and now he isn’t even talking to you. I’m not surprised you aren’t missing him much.”

“
But I am missing him.” I winced. “Just not as much as I miss Tony.”

I wiped away the tears rolling down my cheeks.
“I’m glad I called you and finally let that out. The pressure was killing me. I figured you’d understand, but I just don’t know what to do with this horrible ache in my heart. I feel like I’m bleeding inside, and I just want the pain to stop.”

“
Hmmm…Have you heard from Tony since this all came out?”

I swallowed, my hands shaking as I admitted my shameful situation.
“Yeah. He said he wanted to meet me again. He called two days ago and said he’d be leaving for Michigan the next day with his wife.” I sighed, reliving the memory. “He sounded so sexy when he told me he wanted to meet me. I felt my body respond to the sound of his voice, but I hung up before I could change my mind.”

“
That was smart.” I heard her approval in her tone.

“I know! But it was hard! I’m trying to do the right thing, but it hurts to know that now he’s living in another state with his wife. I still crave him. It’s crazy, because I’ve always wanted him to stay with his wife and son. Now I just wish he could be with me, but at the same time I don’t want that, you know?”

“
From what you’ve shared with me so far I understand. I really do. Tony met your needs. He loved you with passion, made you feel beautiful, and wanted. He was a dream that way. Am I right?”

“
Yeah.” My throat tightened as the yearning intensified. “You know that he asked me to consider hooking up with him…permanently, right?”

“
Oh, boy! That’s a tough one. What exactly did he say?” I pictured her sitting up in her chair,  eager to know the details, like we were sharing secrets at a slumber party.

In spite of
my attempt to reign in my jealous feelings, I smirked at the memory. “He told me that his wife was divorcing him and though our situations with our kids weren’t ideal, he wanted to know if I still wanted to get together with him. Said he missed me and wanted me so bad. I can still hear him saying that in my mind.”

“
And…?

Hesitating, I closed my eyes and relived the moment that I
’d turned him down. “It was hard, but I said no because I didn’t want him to lose his family. I’m trying to do the right thing. So why does it hurt so much?” I cried.

“
Remember when I told you about the chemical in a woman’s brain that makes her feel in love when she has sex, right? Well, it seems to me that since Tony was the one pursuing you when your husband ignored you, it makes total sense to me that you’d think about him more than your husband. Hear me out. I’m not saying it’s right, just that it’s understandable how you feel.”

At that moment Tony
’s sexy face, his gorgeous eyes, and hard body passed through my mind. The heated look in his eyes as he told me in thickly accented English that he wanted me so bad.

I shivered and forced the image from my mind.

“I know…” I confessed miserably. “But how can I make myself stop thinking about him? I just want to cry and never stop. I’ve tried explaining this to Allison but she doesn’t get it. She’s like…a forty-one year old virgin, for Pete’s sake. I couldn’t make her ‘get it’ no matter what I said.”

“
Well, I certainly understand your frustration, though I don’t know how to fix it any more than you do. I wish I did. All you can do is pray that God will restore right thinking to your mind and help you fall in love with your husband again. It’s worth a try, don’t you think?”

I blinked back more tears.
“Not if he’s going to see me as a whore…and hold anger against me. I don’t want him suspecting me all the time of lying. Or worse, ignoring my needs sexually. I’d rather be single the rest of my life than go through that again.” The painful truth of my admission forced the air from my lungs. Could I stay single from now on? Would I?

“
I hear you.” Jenna agreed with a frustrated sigh. Her phone bleeped. “Listen, I have a call on the other line. Can I call you back later? Maybe this weekend?”

“
Sure. Thanks for hearing me out. I feel a little better all ready.” I smiled, though I knew she couldn’t see me, thankful that she’d listened to my whining.

“
No problem, Hope. You know I love you. Call me later. Bye.”

I swallowed hard and pushed the disconnect button. Peering at the stove, I noted that the gravy had not only boiled, but it started burning inside the pan around the edges. I quickly turned off the heat and stirred briskly, hoping I hadn
’t ruined the rich taste.

Just like a burnt aroma infused into overcooked gravy,  I wondered if I could stir the lust for Tony out of me so that I felt passion toward my husband like I had before I met my lover. While dissatisfied with my love life last year, at least I
’d had no interest in pursuing anyone else before I met that sexy Italian.

Lifting the spoon to my lips, I blew on the hot liquid, and when I sensed it had cooled enough, I slid some gravy into my mouth. I sighed with relief. Though it had smelled a bit burnt, the flavor wasn
’t affected. Probably the salt helped cover it up.

Maybe my marriage could turn out okay after all. So we
’d both been burned in our marriage and had some bitterness injected into our relationship because of the affair, but maybe if I allowed the Holy Spirit to stir me on the inside, I could keep walking away from sin and thus restore our marriage.

What if the salt from our individual relationships with Christ could preserve our marriage? While I would no longer be
“virtuous” in our marriage because I’d broken the trust in our relationship, something deep inside told me I could have my innocence restored if I kept my eyes on Him.

I just had to keep walking away from my sinful past and never look back.

Not just in my traitorous flesh, but in the secret places of my mind as well.

It seemed like an impossible task, but I was willing to ask the Lord to work in my heart and my life. Anything was better than the insufferable loneliness and the self-loathing that plagued me despite my genuine intention to forgive myself and move on.

Fresh tears stung my eyes as I considered how the Lord would give me a second chance if I placed my trust and hope in Him. But would my husband do the same?

I finished setting the table as my sister and son walked in from the outdoors. A faint scent of fires burning in brick fireplaces wafted in, clinging to their bodies.

Allison shut the door as I hugged my son, then turned to embrace my sister. Their clothing smelled fresh and crisp, like the brisk fall air, and it triggered memories of me apple picking with my parents before they were killed in that horrible car accident.

In just a few days it would be Halloween. And though my son and I tended to ignore the occasion altogether, it still reminded me that other holidays would soon be here, and that my family was fragmented for the first time in almost
fourteen years.

We sat at the table and bowed our heads as Allison prayed for our meal. My stomach cramped at the realization that in less than an hour we would be going to church for the first time since my life had virtually blown up in my face.

Our church family usually mingled and shared dessert and coffee before our Wednesday night classes began. I guess if people were going to ask me about my situation, that would be the best time to answer questions because Jimmy would be next door with the youth. My sister would be there to encourage and protect me if needed.

After scraping the excess food from our plates into the trash, I filled the sink with our dirty dishes. I
’d wash them tonight when I returned home, or in the morning if it was too late to get much done this evening.

With a heavy heart I pulled on my jacket and allowed Allison to drive us. As we drove down Miller Road
, we approached Tony’s street. Maybe if I saw that he’d finally moved as planned, it would help me to cope. So I poked Allison in the arm.

“
Quick! Turn down this road for a sec. I want to know if he’s left town. I think that’ll help me a lot.”

My sister hesitated, then nodded and turned right. I pointed down the street until we ended up on Tony
’s dead end road. I could see before we reached his house that the realty sign posted out front said For Sale and not SOLD. The sale must’ve fallen through. That meant a delay in the move. I did NOT want that kind of temptation.

As I contemplated what to do next, Tony
’s wife stepped outside and paused on the front porch. She must’ve heard us approaching because she glanced over at my SUV. Her mouth pulled into a frown as she glared at us and yelled for Tony to come outside.