Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (21 page)

“
Well…He called me the other night and left a message on my answering machine. I was out of town and just got back or I would’ve called sooner. He sounded sort of drunk and said something about you cheating on him. I was just calling back to be polite and find out what he wanted to talk about. I had no idea you’d get offended by it.”

Though her wording was contrite and somewhat apologetic, her tone sounded snippy, like I had no right to be irritated with her. The nerve!

“Offended? Why would I be offended? You only sent him a picture of yourself in the bare posing like a Playboy Model. I don’t get it. Tell me. Why would that offend me?”

“
I better go.” I sensed she was about to hang up so I switched gears.

“
Wait. Don’t hang up yet. I’m sorry. That was uncalled for even if what you did
was
wrong. Please, I really need…want to ask you something.” I held my breath and prayed she would stay on the phone and talk to me.

“
All right.” Her voice sounded quiet, and a bit sad.

“
Did…was…I mean, did James ever hit you when you were married to him?”

She gasped.
“Did he hit you?”

“
I’m just asking. I know you divorced because you had an affair. But I was wondering. Did he hurt you when he found out about it?”

“
Me? No. He beat up the man he found me with, but he never hit me. Why?”

“
I was just wondering. He never talked about why you divorced other than to say he found you in bed with another man. I just wondered if he got violent.”

“
Oh my gosh, it’s true, isn’t it? You did it, too.” Her voice held a trace of awe. “But why would you do that to him? You’re a Christian.”

Like that meant I
’d never do anything wrong? “Yes, I am. I admit I made a terrible mistake.” I sensed my sister approaching from behind.

I turned and mouthed to Allison,
“It’s James’s ex-wife.”

Allison
’s eyes grew wide. She sat on the bed, obviously curious, as I finished my conversation with the woman who had tried to seduce my husband a year ago. I wondered myself what I was doing confiding in her. But I needed to know.

“
I just never thought…” She sounded surprised.

“
What? You never thought I’d make a mistake? That’s the thing I was wondering about you and James. Who screwed up your marriage?”

“
What do you mean by that?” Her voice tightened.

“I wondered about James. Did he ever seem to lose interest in you….sexually?”

She burst out laughing, then paused.
“You’re serious?”

“
Yeah, actually, I am.” My mouth went dry as I realized how ridiculous I must sound.

“
No. He never lost interest.” She snorted, “I only cheated on him because he worked so much and I got bored sitting around the house. He was
very
into me…into sex. It was me that got bored of him.”

My pulse jolted and my heart squeezed painfully. I knew it was me. Something was wrong with me, with us. But that didn
’t make sense. Not after so many years of marriage with such a fabulous love life.

“
So when does he get home from work?”

“
Work?” What was she talking about? Hadn’t she heard a thing I said?

“
Yeah, you said he was at the hospital. Is he working tonight?”

“
No. He’s
in
the hospital. He had a heart attack, but he had surgery so he’ll be okay.”

“
Whoa. A heart attack? James? But he looked so healthy.”

Which reminded me that she
’d seen him a year ago. “Why’d you try to contact him last year?” I asked.

Allison
’s brows shot up. I hadn’t told her all that much yet, so she had good reason to be shocked. Boy, would she get filled in on the dirt over the course of her visit.

Charlotte sighed.
“The man I’d married died. I thought I’d see if James was still married. Since I wasn’t his first wife, I didn’t think you two would still be together. But don’t worry. He did nothing wrong. I tried to convince him to give us another chance, but he resisted. He’d said he could never do something like that to you.”

I swallowed hard. He
’d resisted temptation. I had not.

Guilt had eaten at him for almost a year even though he
’d technically done nothing wrong except fail to tell me she’d contacted him. Well, he did keep her letter and the picture. So he wasn’t totally without fault. But still…

“
Guess it doesn’t go both ways, huh?” Her teasing tone rubbed me the wrong way.

“
You have no idea about us. James loves me. I just made a mistake.” I huffed, not believing my boldness. I needed to get off the phone with this woman, not compare notes with her like a jealous girlfriend fighting over the same guy.

“
Yeah, well if he loves you so much, then why was he calling me? Think about that.” She grunted with what sounded like contempt. The nerve!

Tempted to yell at her, I bit my tongue. I had to control my flesh so things wouldn
’t get worse. She’d told me what I needed to know, assuming she told the truth, anyway.

“
Listen, I’ve gotta go. Just tell him I called back…if he comes home.”

I opened my mouth to respond, but she
’d already hung up.

Staring at the phone, I resisted the urge to throw it at the wall and bust it to pieces.

If
he comes back home. She sounded like she didn’t believe it would happen.

Then again, I didn
’t even think he’d come back home. In fact, I’d specifically told the pastor I didn’t want him to come home right away.

Had I set myself up to be dumped? To be replaced by a woman who looked like Anna Nicole Smith
’s twin? Would he go back to her?

I snapped my husband
’s phone shut and set it on the bed, then plopped down beside my sister, my mouth still hanging open.

“
What did she say?” Allison touched my arm.

“
This is worse than I’d thought.” I groaned and buried my face in my hands. After a few moments I looked up, blinking back tears. “She wants him back.”

“
Who? His ex?”

“
Yeah. And you know what worries me most? He just might take her.”

Chapter 22

I heard a gasp and glanced over Allison’s shoulder. Apparently Jimmy had heard everything I’d said because he ran into his room and slammed the door.

Allison peered at me, her eyes wide.
“Should I talk to him?”

“
No, I’ll do it. I got us into this mess, I’ll get us out…with God’s help, of course.”

Though my sister offered a shaky smile, something told me she didn
’t think things would work out.  That my marriage could ever be restored.

Oh, sweet Jesus
, I lifted my heart in prayer. I hoped she was wrong.

But if she was right, it wouldn
’t surprise me. Not at all.

Though I wanted my family back, it may never be the same again. I couldn
’t help but acknowledge the sinking feeling in my gut. The one that told me I’d been selfish to think only of my needs. While tempted to blame James again, I squelched that thought. I’d still had a choice, and what I’d chosen had wrought emotional devastation in my child’s life.

I had to take responsibility for my actions, so I knocked on my son
’s bedroom door.

Silence.

I knocked again, then cracked the door open. Jimmy lay face down on his pillow, but I could tell he was crying. I’d never seen him cry so much. In fact, before the affair, I couldn’t remember the last time he’d wept.

Guilt hit me like a swift kick in the ribs.

I had ruined my son’s innocence. Robbed him of joy in life.

When he didn
’t look up or even acknowledge my entrance, I eased down on the bed beside him and rubbed his back. My hand moved in comforting circles like I used to do when he was small. His shoulders stopped quaking. I decided to remain silent and just provide comfort. That was all I could do.

I blinked back tears. If only I could assuage my own guilt. But every time the consequences of my sin reared up in my face, I had to work hard to keep myself from slipping into a mode of despair.

Sometimes I barely climbed out of that pit. And I could feel my heart dangling over the cliff of self-loathing right now. I was tempted to let my heart slip from the ledge and crash to the rocks below. Then I would feel nothing.

The temptation grew stronger the longer I considered it.

I was so tired of the pain.

But if I allowed that to happen, then I could help no one. And that would be worse for everyone. So I fought the temptation to give up hope.
God must’ve had my parents name me that for a reason, even if my current situation didn’t feel hopeful to me.

I had to have hope. For me.

For Jimmy.

For our family.

My son finally rolled onto his side and wiped his eyes.

“
Talk to me, Jimmy. What’s going on?”

The bleak look in his eyes made my heart squeeze.
“I was just thinking about my friend Mark and how his parents got divorced. Now he has to visit his dad on the weekends, and he hates it. I don’t want our family to be like his, Mom. They aren’t even Christians.”

“
I  know…” I cringed inwardly. He didn’t mean to sound harsh, but the words still stung like a slap on the face. We were Christians. This shouldn’t be happening.

He frowned as if deep in thought.
“Is there anything I can do to help Dad want to come back home?”

Hard question. It made me speechless for a moment, until the answer came to me.
“You can pray, Jimmy. You can always pray with your whole heart that your dad will want to come home and that he’ll forgive me. But you need to also pray that he’ll love me again. I can’t live in the same house with an angry man who won’t forgive me. Do you understand?”

Jimmy nodded.
“I’ll pray that God speaks to him and shows him what he did wrong so he won’t blame you. I know that’s not right, Mom. I saw how sad you were before he went to the hospital. So if I could see it, then why couldn’t he?”

I licked my lips as I thought about the best way to respond.
“I think he saw it, Jimmy. He just didn’t know how to help me.”

“
But he could’ve tried harder. That’s what bugs me. He gave up too easy.” Anger flashed in his eyes.

I wanted to hug him for his honesty as my heart pounded in agreement. Our son had observed much more than I
’d realized. And he’d had discernment.

So if he could see my misery, then why
did
James ignore my cries for help? While part of me agreed with what I’d said, that he didn’t know how to fix it, the other part of me resented that he didn’t really try. So Jimmy had a good point. The sad truth was I thought James should’ve tried harder, too. But he hadn’t, so I had to deal with the truth.

James might not love me anymore, and may never want to love me again.

“I know how you feel, sweetheart. I wish I knew the answer. But I don’t. All I can do is pray, too. Just know that none of this is your fault. It’s mine.”

He nodded.
“I hear what you’re saying, but I think some of it is Dad’s fault, too.”

I took his hands in mine.
“Want me to pray for us now?”

He nodded and squeezed my hands, then bowed his head.

“Dear God,” I began, “Thank You for making yourself real to us. I pray that we won’t lose sight of Your presence. That we would cling to You for the hope that we need. Jimmy and I are worried about James. He is so angry, Lord. Please show him what he needs to see to forgive me and come back home. But until then, Lord, protect our hearts and please reassure us of Your love so we don’t fall into depression over this. In Jesus’s name we pray, Amen.”

“
Thanks, Mom.” I saw a flicker of hope shining in his eyes as he opened his arms and gave me a big hug. My prayer had made a difference.

Jimmy yawned and I ruffled his hair.
“You sleepy?”

“
Yeah, I think I’ll take a nap. Tell Aunt Allison that I don’t feel so good, but when I feel better I’ll visit some more, okay?”

“
Sure.” I hugged him again.

As I exited my son
’s room, I saw Allison leaning against the wall several feet away with tears in her eyes. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but that was beautiful, Hope.”

“
What was?” I gently pulled Jimmy’s door shut.

“
What you told him. Your prayer. I am so proud of you for what you’re doing to help him. Mom and Dad would be, too.”

I blinked. Mom and Dad would be proud of me? Wow. I peered at my sister from under long bangs, my head tilted down.
“Thanks. Guess I needed to hear that.”

“
I know.” Allison touched my shoulder. She waited until I looked up and met her eye to eye. “You’re a great mother, Hope. Sometimes I wish I had children, but it wasn’t meant to be. I see the love you pour into your son and it makes my heart sing.”

“
Thanks.” I hugged my big sister. We stood like that for several minutes, then resumed visiting in the other room until the phone rang.

My sister patted my hand
, and she answered my cell phone. “Hello?”

I looked up when I heard her breath catch.

“I’m doing what any good sister would do. I’m helping her get through this. Do you want to talk to her?” She frowned as she listened.

“
If you’re sure.” She exhaled a frustrated sounding sigh. “Okay. I’ll do that. Bye.”

I swallowed hard.
“Who called?” Whoever it was didn’t want to talk to me.

“
That was James. He’s being discharged tomorrow and wanted you to bring his cell phone to the Pastor’s office in the morning so he can pick it up. He said he’s going to stay with another guy at church who is separated from his wife, too.”

“
Oh.” I didn’t even ask why he didn’t want to talk to me. That was obvious. But how could we go to the same church? That would be so weird to not sit with each other. Then the people who don’t know would soon figure things out. I guess I should be happy that he wanted to go to church at all.

“
He said he’s not ready to talk yet, but he’s sorry for telling you he wanted a divorce. When he’s ready, he said he’ll call you. Right now he’s too confused.”

I nodded. That sounded better than I
’d thought.

“
He was obviously annoyed that I was staying here. I think he knows that I called the sheriff’s department.”

“
Why would you think that?” I reached for my cell phone and slipped it into my pocket.

“
Just his tone of voice. He sounded mad.” Her shoulders drooped.

“
Don’t take it personally. He’s been mad at the world lately.”

The phone in my pants rang and vibrated at the same time. Maybe James had decided he wanted to talk to me and was calling back. I snatched it from my pocket and answered without checking the caller ID first.

“Hello?” I answered in a soft, sexy voice, hoping to put him at ease.

“
Hope, is me, Tony. I move to Michigan tomorrow with my wife and my son. I want for to see you to say goodbye. I miss you,
Bella Speranza
. Can you do this?”

I stiffened at the sound of his sultry, heavily accented words. Without hesitation I hung up the phone and closed my eyes. I couldn
’t go there again. I had repented, turned away from my sin. I couldn’t look back.

So before I
’d had a chance to even think about it, I pushed the off button and shut down my phone. He had to stop contacting me.

“
Who was that? You look pale.” Allison touched my arm.

“
That was Tony. He wanted to see me.” I stared at the wall, somewhat dazed at my own words. Then a smile tugged at the corner of my mouth. With tears in my eyes I added with a triumphant burst of joy, “But I did it. I hung up on him!”

While it didn
’t sound like much, for me it was a huge victory.

I was on the road to
moral recovery and this time I wasn’t getting off.