Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (17 page)

“
I was having an affair, and I told James. He went nuts and threatened us—me and Jimmy—and called me horrible names. The cops showed up and told us to leave, so Jimmy and I went down the street. They said James came out of his room really fast and was angry. They didn’t have time to check him for weapons. They just tazered him for their own safety, but the electricity shocked him, causing chest pains. They believe he had a heart attack, too, so they’re testing him to confirm this.”

“
Did he have surgery? Is he okay?”

“
I think he just had tests so far, but I’m not sure. Honestly, I’m afraid to go check. He called me horrible names, Pastor. He said he should just kill us all. Jimmy heard everything. We’re both scared. I don’t think he’d do it, but I’ve never seen him so angry before. I don’t know anything about his former marriages. Maybe he was violent with them. I just don’t know if I should talk to him right now. I think I should wait until he’s starting to recover and has his strength back.”

“
That sounds reasonable. I’ll visit him and see how he’s doing.”

I sighed with relief.
“Thanks.”

“
How are you doing? How’s Jimmy?” The concern in his voice made my eyes tear up again. He was such a kind man and I knew he really cared about our family.

“
I’m still in shock, I guess. I still can’t believe my whole life just blew up in my face and that James is in the hospital and hates me.”

“
James doesn’t hate you, Hope. He’s just hurting.”

“
Yeah, well he called me a…a whore. He said it a whole bunch of times and then he woke Jimmy up out of a sound sleep and told him that I was a whore. Pastor, he yelled in Jimmy’s face, and then he threatened to kill us both.”

“
I’m sorry to hear that, Hope. I don’t think he meant it. He loves you. But I have to admit that’s pretty harsh. No matter what you’d done he should never have said that to you or to your child. I’ll talk to him about that.”

“
Thanks,” I choked out. Wiping my eyes, I tried to hold it together, but wasn’t doing very well. Jimmy had already seen enough heartache. I wanted to be strong for him.

“
How are you feeling right now?”

I spoke as quietly as I could, but I sensed that Jimmy still heard me. That he listened to every word and only pretended to be absorbed by the show.

“You know what? I’ll talk to you later, okay? I don’t feel comfortable rehashing every detail again with Jimmy sitting a few feet away.”

“
That sounds reasonable. So where are you right now?”

“
In a motel a few blocks from the hospital. I was too tired to drive home safely last night. This whole thing has just drained the life out of me.”

“
I understand. Would you like me to pray for you right now?”

That question broke down the fragile wall I
’d used to prop myself up, and tears rolled down my cheek like a rushing waterfall, though I didn’t make a sound. I whispered, “Yeah, that’d be great.”

Maybe God would hear my prayer, maybe He wouldn
’t. But one thing I knew for certain was that He’d listen to Pastor Rick.

As I listened to Pastor's prayer, I thought about how badly I needed God to heal my heart and restore my family.

That was something I couldn’t do on my own. In fact, I wondered if my life was so broken at this point that even God had His limits.

“
Amen.”

“
Amen, and thank you, Pastor.”

“
No problem, Hope. Call me any time you need to talk.”

“
Okay, thanks.” I swallowed hard and hung up the phone.

Then a scripture came to mind.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, Oh God, you will not despise.

I wondered if I
’d heard God’s voice, but shook off the thought. It was merely Bible verses coming to mind. A verse I’d memorized from childhood. But the phrase wouldn’t let me go. It kept repeating like a record with a scratch on it that kept skipping back to the same place.

Well if God wanted a broken spirit out of me, He would get His wish.

At this point in my life the only thing I could do was look up.

Chapter 17

As I drove home with Jimmy, I rehearsed my conversation with Pastor in my mind. I knew he’d pray for me faithfully. And oh, how I longed to get my life back on track.

Jimmy played with the radio dial as I approached town.
Since I was at the end of my best friend Angela’s street, I decided to take a last minute detour to her house. I wasn’t ready to go home just yet and deal with the mess James had left the house in.

My son glanced up for a moment and asked,
“Where’re we going?”

“
I thought we’d stop by Ang’s house. I’m not ready to go home yet. I really need to talk to her. Besides, you don’t mind hanging out with her kids for awhile. Right?”

“
Yeah, sounds good, Mom.”

“
Thanks, Bud.” I patted his leg and smiled. I was very fortunate to have such an understanding and obedient child. While the blessing might not last forever, I was going to enjoy his tender spirit as long as he was with me.

I parked and approached my friend
’s house, my knees weakened from fear. One of her twins saw us coming and peered out the window by the front door. She smiled and made steam circles with her breath, then drew little smiley faces in them.

Raising my hand, I went to knock
on the door but someone yanked it open.

“
Hey!” Angie blinked in surprise. “Katie told me someone was at the door.” She peered at me closely. “You okay? You look awful.”

I burst out laughing, then choked on my tears.
“It’s bad, Ang. It’s really bad.” I placed my hand over my mouth in an effort to squelch my hysteria. She ushered me inside and simultaneously shooed the kids into the other room.

Jimmy led the pack and offered to play a game with them. The troops cheered and followed my son. Jimmy was so good at knowing when to slip out of the room and give me privacy. God bless him.

Ang guided me to the couch. “Talk to me.”

I sat down and took a few deep breaths, but when I saw tears pooling in my friend
’s eyes, that got me sobbing all over again. So I let her hug me tight. We cried together for a long time. Healing, cleansing tears of pain understood between two friends.

I
’d trust Ang with my life.

When I finally got to the place where I could speak
, I sat up and wiped my eyes. “Sorry I keep coming over and sobbing like a baby. Things have just been so hard lately.”

“
It’s okay, Hope, just start from where you feel most comfortable.”

“
All right.” I twisted the end of my T-shirt around my fingers and stared at my hands. “I told James about the affair and now he’s in the hospital. He had bad chest pains and they think he had a heart attack. He was mad, Ang, worse than I’ve ever seen him.” I glanced up. “He…he threatened to kill us.”

She placed her hand over her mouth.
“Oh my God, he didn’t.”

“
Yeah, and at the time I wasn’t sure he meant it. But I was so scared. I was talking to my sister on the phone when he came in and saw me. He threw the phone and broke it. That must be when my sister called the cops. So they came over and had me leave the house with Jimmy while they handled the situation. Well, I guess James came storming into the room where the cops were and they tazered him. They think it was the shock that made him have chest pains and a heart attack. Right now he’s getting a bunch of tests done, and he is under observation. Maybe they’ll have to operate. I don’t know.”

“
Whoa. That’s awful. I just can’t picture the cops storming into your house.”

“
Well, they didn’t exactly barrel on in. I let them inside because I was scared. I had no idea what James would do once he started threatening me, but I never expected him to get shot with tazer guns. I feel so bad about that. And other things, of course. I feel horrible about putting us into this situation to begin with.”

“
Wait a minute, Hope.” Angie touched my arm and peered at me. “Didn’t you tell me that James refused to touch you for months on end? That you told him that things were hard for you and he wasn’t listening?”

“
Yeah, but that doesn’t justify what I did.” I pressed my hand over my mouth and sucked in my tears. The remorse I felt for the havoc I’d brought upon my family just increased the more I talked about it. “I can’t believe this is happening to me.”

“
I hear you, hon. I’m not saying it justified what you did, but I’m just saying that you didn’t do this alone. He could’ve seen a doctor or gotten help. If my husband ignored my needs like that, I don’t know what I’d do, but I can tell you it probably wouldn’t be much different. I’m just sorry that it happened in the first place. You don’t need this kind of heartache in your life.”

“
I know. I keep telling the Lord I’m sorry, and I won’t ever do something like this again. I’m not sure He hears me, but I want Him to. I want to know He forgives me.”

“
If you’re truly remorseful and repent, He
will
forgive you. He’s faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Remember that Scripture?”

“
Yeah, but it’s hard to believe when you’ve done something like I’ve done. But I want to believe it. I’ve already told the Lord I’ll turn from my sin and honor Him with my life no matter what happens now. I have to. He’s the only thing that matters in my life. Him and my family. I just can’t believe how easily I lost sight of what was most important.”

“
Hope, you’re human. We all fall at times. The important thing is to pick up and move on. Don’t go back there again and don’t let Satan discourage you to the point where you get depressed and do nothing but wallow in self-condemnation. That’s just what he wants. Don’t let him rob you of that joy I know you have inside. Okay?”

For the first time in days I felt like smiling. Truly smiling from the depth of my heart. I would change. I could do it. I decided right then to put my sin behind me and accept the Lord
’s forgiveness. Now if I could only forgive myself.

“
Thanks for listening Ang. I feel better already.” I gave her a hug and pressed my cheek against her soft hair. Ang always smelled clean and fresh, like the angel she was, but with a citrus scent. My heart warmed as she held me close. I loved her so much.

My heart pounded when I thought about how much my grief must hurt her. But that
’s what friends are for, right? To love and laugh with, and to shed tears when we’re hurting. Ang was so tender and empathetic. I longed to be soft like that, but had no clue how.

My personality was more exuberant than I liked,
so being calm was about as foreign to me as speaking Japanese. The Lord made me the way I am, so rather than wishing to be someone else, I decided to just be the best person I could be and to love the Lord with my whole heart again. Somehow I’d gotten off track, but no more.

“
Thanks for listening, Ang. I think I’ll be okay now. I appreciate you so much.” I kissed her cheek and she grinned.

“
I appreciate you more. You’ve been there for me so many times. It’s the least I can do as a friend.” Angie’s eyes filled with tears.

She must
’ve been remembering the loss of her unborn child two years ago and how I’d cried with her at the funeral. She’d been seven months pregnant when she lost her youngest. It devastated me more than I thought it would to see the pain she went through. But I had to agree with what she’d said. We’d both been there for each other through the hardest of life’s trials, and we’ve pulled through.

“
I love you.” I hugged her one last time, then wiped my eyes and sucked in a ragged breath. If I didn’t stop crying, I’d end up with a migraine soon.

“
Love you, too.” Angie smiled at me with her brown eyes wide.

Just then the kids came barging into the room. Apparently they
’d gotten caught up in a game of hide and seek and someone was mad that they’d been found. Oh, well.

“
Time to go, Jimmy. Thanks for everything, Ang.” I waved for Jimmy to come to me.

As we walked out
, I marveled at how clean the carpets were considering they were off-white. I could never have three kids and keep my rug looking that great. But Ang was a meticulous housekeeper. I envied that about her. Then again, she always said she wished she could cook like me. I guess we all have things we wished we could do better.

Ang closed the door behind us
, and she and her kids waved through the window as we got into the SUV. As I pulled out of my friend’s driveway, I smiled. I felt better already. Stopping by Angie’s house had been a wise decision.

I pulled on to the main road. My stomach cramped at the sight of Tony
’s truck driving down the street and heading toward us. He was going the other way, and I prayed he didn’t notice me, but the sharp glint of recognition I saw in his eyes as he passed by told me that he did.

My blood froze in fear
, and for a moment I couldn’t breathe. Maybe his wife sat beside him, but she must’ve been looking in her purse because her head never came up or she would’ve seen us. I waited for a few seconds and worried that Tony would turn around and follow us, but he didn’t. Maybe because he saw Jimmy sitting next to me.

Whatever the reason, I was grateful that he
’d kept driving. My son didn’t need to deal with his angry wife railing on me and calling me names.

Then it struck me. If Tony
was
driving with his wife down the street, then that meant she hadn’t kicked him out of the house like she’d said. Maybe she was planning to try and work on their marriage after all. Most people who are getting divorced don’t drive in the same vehicle together, and my guess was that Tony still lived with his wife, too.

I smiled at the thought that while my own marriage was most likely over, at least Tony still had a chance to keep his son in his life. Maybe my truthfulness helped him win her back. Whatever the reason, I was ecstatic that they were still a family. Oh, how I hoped she was with him. Then at least someone
’s marriage would survive this crisis.

Once around the corner, I saw my house. As I approached
, I noticed something felt different. Yet nothing seemed out of place. When I pulled into the gravel driveway, I figured out what it was.

A small piece of white paper blew back and forth in the gentle breeze. Someone had taped a note on my door.

Jimmy hopped out of the SUV the moment I parked and raced for the door. He saw the note and ripped it off. After peering at it a few seconds, his eyes widened. “Mom!”

“
What is it?” I shut the door to the SUV and followed him.

“
Read this.” Jimmy handed me the paper with tears in his eyes.

I squeezed my eyes closed for a moment to keep my tears at bay. With my chest so tight I could barely breathe, I examined the note. Some of the four letter words on the paper made me cringe. But the bottom line was the author wanted me to know what she thought of me in not very nice terms, and most likely she
’d hoped my husband would find the note. But he was in the hospital, which she obviously didn’t know.

“
Why would someone say such mean things, Mom?”

I folded the note and sighed, discouraged that my son had read such hateful things.
“I think it’s the wife of the man I was seeing. She probably wrote this and hoped your dad would find it because she’s really angry at me right now.”

“
But is it true? What she said?”

Tears blurred my vision. It depended on whose version of truth, but the bottom line was less than flattering.
“Some of it is.”

“
I don’t believe it, Mom. Don’t listen to that mean person. I know you, and you’re not like the things she said.”

With an aching heart I wrapped my arms around my son.
“Thank you. I wish it were that easy. I just feel so bad dragging you into the middle of my mess.”

“
I love you, Mom. Nothing you can do will ever change that.”

While tempted to argue with him, I let it go. I
’d heard the same words from James. But what I wanted to know at this point was if the words my husband had said were true. The only way to know the truth would be to wait and see what he acts like when he gets out of the hospital.

I yanked on the back door, pulling it open so we could enter the house. I glanced around and took in the huge mess left by my husband
’s rampage. It would take hours to clean, but I’d get right on it. My sister was coming to visit tomorrow and I wanted my house to look its best.

With one last glance at the note in my hand, I crumpled it into a wad and shoved it in the trash can.