Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (20 page)

Chapter 20

T
he next morning I logged back on to the computer and my inbox was flooded with e-mail messages. As I opened them one by one, I started to realize what had happened overnight. The ramifications were frightening to think about.

Tony
’s wife had gone on to my website after I stopped writing her back and she’d contacted everyone who had signed my guest book and told them what had happened between Tony and me. The humiliation couldn’t get any worse, or so I’d thought.

Until I started opening the messages and reading them.

Who is this mad as hell wife person? She posted a comment on my site. Here it is.

Hey,
Hope, I think this crazy woman is making up lies about you. Just thought you’d want to know this.

Hope
, this is scary! Who is this woman and why is she posting nasty stuff about you on my site? Help me out here!

I don
’t know you at all, lady, but you need to tell this enemy of yours to keep her comments off of my site!

Hope
, tell me this woman is psycho and making this up about you. Is it true?

I cringed as Tony
’s wife went into detail about our truck encounter on each person’s website. She’d basically cut and pasted the same scandalous story every time she posted.

A groan escaped my lips as I noted that I had at least ten more related e-mails to go. She was out to destroy me, that much was obvious. One minute Tony
’s wife was trying to be friendly and get information from me and the next minute she was preparing the hammer and nails for my crucifixion. And doing it publicly!

Now I knew without a doubt that my nice guy character flaw had to be squelched. It would only suck me deeper into the drama that I didn
’t want or need in my life if I tried to be nice and helpful to her. I needed to establish firm boundaries.

Nothing I could say or do would repair the situation anyway. What was done was done. Now I needed to cut off all contact with both Tony and his wife to ensure that things didn
’t get any worse. If that were even possible anymore.

So I replied to each and every distraught e-mail, giving the same basic information every time. Yes it was true. I need prayer. My life is falling apart. Please pray that God will heal our marriage and please delete all posts from this lady from now on.

The next step was to cancel my guest book. If I didn’t have one anymore, then she couldn’t find people to harass. I also deleted all of my author friends’ names and links so she couldn’t connect with them and pass on more sordid details.

The final e-mail I opened came from my agent in response to an earlier confession I
’d made to her about the affair. God bless her, but she disagreed with me. She was very supportive when I told her I thought I should give up writing altogether and that my career was over. Instead, she told me to thank God that this happened before I sold anything and not to let the enemy use my poor decision to defeat me as a Christian.

I blinked as I read her encouraging words. She was right. The enemy didn
’t want me to have a ministry in writing, so of course he would try to cut my career off at the knees before it got established. So I wrote my agent back and told her I’d pray about what to do, but for now I was taking a break from writing so I wouldn’t be signing a contract any time soon. Not until I was ready.

The publisher was dragging their feet anyway. But what else was new?

Moments before I finished reading my last e-mail I received one from Tony. My heart pounded. It could be a trick, or more hatefulness. I could take little more strife today. But my curiosity won out. I opened it.

Hope,

I am so sorry for calling you name and hitting door. I never want to say those bad words to you before but my wife, she insist. When I come by, I wanted for to see you so bad I lost my temper when you shut door on me. I am so sad. Please forgive. I must see you, Hope. My wife, she is divorcing me so I have no future with my family. Please give me another chance. I miss you. If your husband is divorcing you, too, maybe we could be together. Is not ideal situation with children but at least we not lose each other.

Tony

My stomach cramped. It was definitely Tony writing to me and not his wife. It felt as if a cement brick had suddenly hit me dead center and knocked the wind from me. He wanted me forever? Was he serious?

Sweat beaded on my forehead. I was at a crossroads. Choose Tony, which ultimately meant abandoning my faith, my family, and my church, but I would have amazing sex for the rest of my life. Or turn from my sin permanently and try to repair my relationship with all of the above.

My hands shook as I clasped them together. It was so much easier when I thought he hated me and had betrayed me. I groaned and tipped my head so I covered my face with my hands. Why now?

Deep inside I knew what I had to do. This was a test. God wanted to know if I
’d meant business when I told Him I was sorry and I loved Him more than anything else. And like he’d told Abraham to lay his son down on the altar as a sacrifice, now the Lord was asking me to lay my lust and my flesh on the altar as a love offering to Him.

Satan whispered in my ear,
Here’s your chance to have your needs fulfilled. Take it. Say yes. He wants you. Think of the passion you have for each other. The amazing sex. You may never have a chance like this again. He took you to his bed. He wants you more than his wife. He wants you. Take him up on it…

With a frustrated groan I shouted,
“No!”

Hitting reply, I typed back,
Do NOT contact me again. Move to Michigan like you planned and repair what you can with your family. We have no future. It was all a delusion. A sick lie. It’s over.

Now crying, I clicked send without even signing my name. He
’d know it was me. So the last step I had to take was to change my e-mail address. I had to cut off all contact and thus eliminate the temptation to get emotionally involved again. I had to be strong. I’d promised the Lord something and I was going to follow through, hard as it might be.

As I wiped the tears from my eyes and deleted my e-mail account, I wondered if the angels in heaven were singing the Hallelujah chorus, or at least snubbing their noses at the devil. He
’d lost this one. Though proud of myself, I fought the temptation to think it was all my decision, or done in my own strength. I’d asked for strength and wisdom and the Lord had provided what I’d needed. Now I just had to act on it.

Someone tapped on the bedroom door.

“Mom, you okay in there?”

“
Yeah, I was just arguing with the devil.”

He cracked open the door and chuckled.
“Really? And what did you decide?”

With a satisfied grin I answered my son as honestly as I could.
“I told him I wasn’t going to listen to his lies anymore. I told him I was gonna fight this and be faithful to the Lord.”

Jimmy visibly relaxed and entered the room. He hugged me from behind.
“You’re doing great, Mom. I’ve learned a lot from you through all of this.”

A lump clogged my throat. “You…you have?”

“
Yep, I learned about how to admit mistakes and to trust God to give you the strength to move on. You’re gonna make it, Mom. We’re all gonna be okay. You’ll see.”

I wanted so much to believe him. Was it possible that my family could be restored? That I could have my husband
’s whole heart, body and mind back, and more importantly, his trust? Was that truly in the works?

Jimmy kissed my cheek and slipped out of the room. I dropped to my knees, humbled by my son
’s admission. “Lord, teach me Your ways. Guide me in Your truth all the days of my life.”

I knelt for what seemed like hours, bowed low before the Lord, waiting for Him to speak to my heart. I prayed silently that I wasn
’t getting up until I knew that He was with me, that He’d forgiven me completely. After several minutes of silently waiting I heard a gentle whisper saying to my soul,
What sin? I’ve cast it as far as the east is from the west. Take my righteousness upon you, for My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

A warm, penetrating heat
—like holy oil—poured over my heart, and I knew in an instant that I was given another chance. That I could start fresh, new. My heart now feeling lighter than it has in months, I stood and went to tell Jimmy about what the Lord had done in my heart. At that same moment my son walked toward me weeping and holding my phone.

“
It’s Dad.” He placed my cell phone on my palm.

I hesitated, wondering what my husband had said to break Jimmy
’s heart.

Swallowing hard, I tried to sound cheerful.
“Hello?”

“
I want a divorce!” James growled into the phone, then hung up.

Chapter 21

He wanted a divorce? My James who’d said there was nothing I could ever do to make him not love me anymore? The one who swore he’d never get divorced again?

I was stunned. And a bit ticked off. If he had just made love to me like husbands are supposed to do
, then I wouldn’t have wanted to look elsewhere in the first place.

Then again, I made that choice, and it hurt to acknowledge my moral weakness. I glanced up and saw my son emotionally broken. His whole world must be shattering.

He’d obviously heard his father screaming into the phone and believed him or he wouldn’t be crying so hard. So I slid my cell phone into my pocket and wrapped my arms around my child. My boy had suddenly become a young man through this ordeal, through no fault of his own, and remorse filled me once again.

How I wished I could turn back time. Start over.

Refuse to see Tony in the first place. Or at least make my husband forgive me.

But none of those things were possible.

While I had no intention of letting James divorce me without getting some marriage counseling first, I wondered again about how awful it would be to have to live the rest of my life with a man who hated me. A man who not only didn’t trust me, but who would never make love to me again.

My head grew dizzy as I eased on to the couch, still stunned. My ears were ringing and tension filled every muscle in my body. Adrenaline rushed through my veins and my limbs started trembling.

Not only had I lost my husband, but in a sense I’d lost my best friend as well.

We used to be so close. We could talk about anything. At least until he started closing his heart off from me.

I remembered the first time he’d rejected me. It had stung like a slap to my face. It happened the night I came home from Los Angeles. The same day I’d met Tony.

But I hadn
’t known then that my husband had seen his ex-wife while I was away, and although he’d supposedly done nothing wrong, the guilt from seeing her behind my back had rendered him useless in the bedroom. And wrong though it was, I’d been excited after meeting Tony and had hoped James would soothe my frustrated body.

Oh, I
’d denied my attraction to Tony at first, at least to the point where I’d admit to myself that I’d been fantasizing about him. But it was true. In my mind I’d done things with Tony. It had started way back then.

And though I still wasn
’t sure I believed James’s story about refusing his ex-wife’s request to sleep with her, at this point it really didn’t matter. I was the one who’d torn my family apart. Not James.

So much pain I
’d brought on so many people, on myself.

I
’d do just about anything to deaden the hurt in my soul at this point, and thanked God that I was too squeamish to do myself in, and that I had no alcohol in the house.

Somehow I
’d make it through this trial. I had to find a way to come through this period of my life without falling apart. Jimmy needed me, and if I lost my sanity, James would get custody. Then I would’ve lost them both.

Death through any means sounded more appealing than losing my family.

But I had to stop thinking that way. Suicide was not an option.

Yet self-doubt haunted me, giving me a chill as it lurked in the air around me like a dense fog. Sticking to my flesh like the slime it was. Accusing me like the devil who had originated sin.

What kind of mother was I? What had I been thinking when I decided to have an affair? Obviously I wasn’t thinking. Not about things that really mattered. Tony would soon forget me, but my family was what I’d built my life around.

My family was supposed to take care of me when I was old. Right? Though I doubted my husband would still be alive then, I
’d still have Jimmy. My son, the offspring of my love for James would be there for me. My one and only son.

Oh, God, what have I done to my child? For that reason alone I would struggle for years to come. Always wondering what he thought of me. What my decision might cost him in terms of security, of a future. It made my heart burn with pain to think about it.

I couldn’t undo a thing.

At least my sister would be able to offer me some comfort. She
’d be arriving soon, and I couldn’t wait to see her. I needed a mom, and Allison was as close as I’d ever get to one again this side of heaven. And I
so
needed some sisterly love right now.

*****

The sound of crunching gravel told me my sister had finally arrived. This time rather than invoking sexual excitement like it did when I’d met Tony, the sound of gravel under tires gave me a sense of hope that I’d make it through this disaster.

My heart raced as I thought about all of the things we would talk about. Sadly, I had to have a personal crisis to see her, but we both led fairly busy lives.

I whipped open the door and stood on the front porch waving. Jimmy appeared behind me and gently nudged past. Then he burst into a run, still in his bare feet, and hugged her the moment she emerged from the cab. I had sensitive feet, so I remained on the porch and waited for her to get her bags together.

Thankfully
, the cab company drove to the boonies where I lived so at least my sister didn’t have to rent a car. The ticket had cost her plenty already. I wished I could repay her, but now that James was no longer living with us, I didn’t know if I could afford it.

Smiling, I watched my eager son. Jimmy looked so cute helping his aunt with her bags. His hair was all mussed and he wore no shirt despite the fall chill in the air. We
’d slept in this morning and had just finished breakfast, so the kitchen was a mess. But I had a still-warm cup of coffee in my hand and our stomachs were full.

I chugged down the last few gulps and set my cup on the side rail. Rubbing the goose flesh on my arms, I wished I
’d brought my coat, or at least snatched my robe from the hook on my way out the door.

Jimmy grabbed Allison
’s Bible and clutched it against his chest. The carryon bag he’d slung over his other shoulder tipped him off balance and he struggled with each step as he approached the front porch.

My gaze fixed on the leather Bible. It felt strange not going to church, but seeing my sister and visiting all day would provide a welcome distraction for us both. At least she
’d still be here on Wednesday when I reentered my church for the first time since my life had blown up in my face.

I knew several people were aware of our circumstances. The
senior pastor and youth pastor, the elder board, and some of the ladies from my Bible study probably knew all the sordid details. Thankfully I didn’t attend a church where members thrived on gossip, or I’d never make it through the class without falling apart.

My sister stumbled up the steps
, and I caught her just in time before she clipped her forehead on the top step.

“
I’m so clumsy!” She laughed as she regained her balance.

“
Nah, the steps are just too high. I told James when he built them that they weren’t right, but you know how he is. Never question the construction worker.” I smiled, but my heart bled inside as I remembered his words.

I still couldn
’t believe James wanted a divorce. How would I ever tell my sister?

“
Maybe, Sis, but I still think it was me.” She plunked her bags down, and once I shut the door, she pulled me into a bear hug.

When my sister released me
, she searched my face. “You’re eyes are bloodshot and all puffy-looking. How’re you doing?”

My throat tightened. I had to tell her anyway. Might as well do it now.
“James told me that he wants a divorce.” I lowered my voice. “I think he’s serious, Ally.”

Jimmy came up behind me and hugged me tight.

“Where’s he staying?” Ally looked around as if not sure whether to expect him or not.

“
He’s in the hospital. He had chest pains…and they suspect a heart attack, too. They’re doing tests to confirm it. That’s all I know.”

“
James? But he’s not even fifty!” Her eyes widened in shock.

“
Yeah, well the sheriff’s department stopped by to see if Jimmy and I were okay. When they confronted James he came out of the room so fast they didn’t have time to check him for weapons, or so they said. They tazered him and I guess that triggered the chest pains and a heart attack. They said it happens sometimes, so they had an ambulance on hand just in case someone got hurt, like if he shot one of them or whatever.”

“
Wow. They tazered him?” Allison clutched her forehead as if in disbelief. “I’m the one who called. I almost killed him.”

“
No.” I shook my head vehemently and pointed at my chest. “I almost killed him. I’m the one that had the affair, remember?”

Allison sat on the coach. I joined her and grabbed her hands, holding them tight.
“It’s not your fault, Ally. Don’t believe it.”

“
But
I
did it.” She blinked and stared at the wall, her head turned slightly away from me. She never was one to show emotion much, so I knew she felt awkward.

Jimmy scampered into the kitchen. I heard him rummaging around as if foraging for food. The sound of ice cubes clinking in a glass and the rush of water distracted me.

“I called.” Her voice squeaked. She cleared her throat.

My attention returned to my sister. I knew she called, so why was she obsessing on it? Maybe I misunderstood her.
“Called who?”

“
The sheriff’s department.” Her eyes glistened with tears. “I’m sorry.”

Oh.
“Don’t be. He was really scary that night, and you didn’t know any more than I did whether or not he would follow through with his threats.” I hugged my sister to reassure her. No way would I let her own responsibility for trying to protect me.

Jimmy entered the room with two glasses of water and offered them to us. Such a considerate kid I
’d raised. At least I’d done something right.

“
Thank you.” Allison received a glass and gulped the water.

I did the same.
“Thanks, Jimmy. You’re so sweet to think of us.” I touched his arm in a friendly gesture.

He blushed and shrugged.
“If you say so.”

I sensed he appreciated the compliment even if he acted modest about it.

Allison set her empty glass on the table.

“
Come give your Aunt Ally a hug. Then give your mom and I a few minutes to talk alone, okay, sweetie?” My sister held out her arms, and Jimmy nestled against her for a moment.

Since we weren
’t close to anyone on James’s side of the family, Aunt Allison was pretty much the only contact Jimmy had with any of his relatives.

When he finished hugging my sister, she patted his butt and said,
“I’ll let you know when it’s safe to come back, okay, Bud?”

“
Sure.” Jimmy dipped his head down and headed for his room, probably a bit embarrassed about the swat on his backside. Oh well. He’d have to learn to deal with all kinds of stuff in this life. A slap on the fanny was the least of his worries.

A strange chirping sound came from the bedroom. I listened another second and realized with a start that James had left his cell phone at home and it was ringing. He obviously had a better battery than I had in mine. I excused myself and jumped up to get it. I
’d forgotten all about notifying his boss or anyone else that he’d be out of commission for a short while as he recovered from the surgery.

“
Hello?” I panted into the phone from the exertion of trying to answer it in time.

“
James?” A woman’s voice questioned.

“
No, this is his wife. Do I sound like a man to you?” Not sure why it bothered me, but it did. I had a rich alto voice, but come on, a man? I did
not
sound like my husband.

“
I guess I can call back later.” The woman sounded nervous, piquing my curiosity. Who was she and why was she calling my husband on his cell phone?

“
Wait. I can let him know you called when he gets home from the hospital. Who is this?” I hoped the woman would answer my question and not just hang up on me.

She hesitated, as if debating what to do.
“All right. You can tell him…um, tell him Charlotte called.”

“
As in his ex-wife?” Emphasis on ex! Now my ire poked past propriety and I practically yelled at her. “And why would you have any reason to talk to
my
husband?”