Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (8 page)

Jimmy
’s eyes grew wide. “M-o-m!”

At first I thought he was embarrassed by the word I
’d created, until he laughed.

“
Hey, you just got extra points!”

James scanned the front of my shirt and lingered for a few moments, obviously more interested in the meaning of the word than my bonus points. I warmed up under his perusal. My body became so ridiculously revved from that simple act that I was seriously thinking about having my hormones checked. How could I possibly be interested again? I was worse than a girl dog in heat!

And I should be mad at James, not suddenly wanting him. At that moment I decided I must be the most crazy, confused, sex-craving chick on the planet. Of course, Jimmy and his innocent eleven-year-old self had no idea about the war waging between his father and me. As long as I could protect him, I would. Even if it meant never seeing Tony again.

My cell phone rang in the other room.
“Excuse me.”

Sprinting toward the phone, I was thrilled Tony called, even though moments ago I was willing to pitch the entire relationship. But it was one thing to tell myself I
’d stop seeing him and a totally different thing to follow through.

I peeked at the ID on my cell as I flipped it open.
Angela?
My mind played tricks on me. The rings sounded similar enough to Tony’s that I thought he’d called.

With a sigh, I decided to answer it anyway.
“Hey, Ang. I’m in the middle of playing Scrabble with the boys. What’s up?”

“
I just wanted to see how you were doing. I didn’t get a chance to talk to you after church. You left in a hurry. I was worried. I would’ve called sooner but with the kids…well, you know how it is. Preachin’ to the choir, eh?”

“
I could be better.” I sighed.

“
James still not meeting your needs?” Her voice sounded tender. She knew where I was coming from and said she’d had troubles in that area, but the Lord had healed her marriage. He’d also healed Jenna’s. So why wouldn’t he heal mine?

“
I don’t think he even likes me anymore.”

“
Can you call me later or send me an e-mail? Meanwhile I’ll pray for you.”

“
Sure. I’ll do that later tonight or first thing tomorrow. Okay? Bye.” My throat tightened as I hung up the phone. I sure did love Angela. She was my angel friend from church. If it weren’t for her friendship and Jenna’s, I would’ve fallen apart for sure…and long before now.

“
Who was that?” James hollered from the other room as I approached him.

“
Angela. She wanted to know how I was doing. I said I’d call her later.”

“
Ah, thought it might be that boyfriend of yours again.” James smirked.

Jimmy looked at me, horrified.
“You have a boyfriend?”

Fury at my husband made me lash out.
“See what you’ve done!”

“
Relax, Babe, I was just teasing.” James touched my arm as I sat back down.

I couldn
’t help but wonder if he spoke the truth and hid it under sarcasm.

“
I don’t want to be teased like that. It’s not funny.” Before I could stop them, the tears started rolling down my face and I sobbed into my hands. I wanted to come clean so badly, but not in front of my little boy. I could just kill James for putting me on the spot like that. Was he testing me?

Jimmy came up behind me and gave me a hug.
“Don’t be sad, Mommy. Daddy just don’t have any sense sometimes, huh, Daddy?”

James slid over until he put his arms around us both and squeezed tight.
“Forgive me, Hope. Sometimes I say stupid things. I don’t mean to hurt you. Sometimes I can be such a jerk.”

A laugh burst from deep inside me. Now I
know I was losing my mind. From deep, gut-wrenching sobs to crazy-sounding laughter. I was torn between joy and pain.

“
It wasn’t that funny, Sweetheart.” James chuckled low and dipped his head so he could reach my neck. When he started nibbling on my ear, I shrieked.

Jimmy jumped up, clutching his ears.
“I gotta run to the bathroom,” he shouted as he zipped out of the room.

My husband grabbed my face and stared deep into my eyes.
“I’m so sorry for how I’ve been acting. I want to get help, Hope. I want to talk to our pastor about us. Will you go with me?”

Hope welled deep within me and I hugged him tight. When I released him he eased me onto the carpet, his deep brown eyes lurking, taking in my face, my lips, my eyes. He scanned me with appreciation.
“Your eyes are so green tonight. Even with the splotches on your face, you’re still the most beautiful woman I know.”

He captured my mouth with his and started kissing me with abandon. Right on the living room floor. Had he no sense? Jimmy would see us.

I heard a strange-sounding giggle.

“
Game’s over.” Jimmy snorted and left the room. He muttered with laughter tingeing his voice, “Parents…sheesh!” I heard Jimmy slam and lock his bedroom door.

My husband
’s intensity grew and I struggled beneath him. “James!”

That seemed to egg him on even more. He chuckled and tore into my face, my lips, pressin
g against me. Part of me wanted to give up the fight, to give in to his passion…until I realized that even with him pouring out all he had in him, I still didn’t feel his excitement against me.

Wiggling underneath him, I gyrated my hips, encouraging him on. I pulled his shirt from his pants and rubbed his bare back. My husband groaned.

As I reached for his zipper, I heard his stomach growl. We burst out laughing together. What were we thinking fooling around on the floor when our son was home? While he
had
left us alone, he could reenter the room, and then what would we do?

James rolled off me and sat up.
“Guess I should eat something, huh?” He squeezed me tight and grabbed my hand until he pulled me to my feet. He swatted my fanny playfully and strolled over to the table and grabbed a slice of pizza from the box.  Popping the tip of the slice into his mouth, he chewed thoughtfully.

I watched him, not sure if I should join him or not. On again, off again. That
’s just the way our marriage had been. Like a live wire gone dead.

I closed my eyes and sighed.

James stepped over to me, and after swallowing another bite, he pecked me on the lips. Then he set his pizza on the counter beside him and wrapped his arms around me for another go-round. I kissed him back, though his garlic breath by no means drew me to him. But I ignored the aroma and focused on his lips instead. He explored my mouth. I pulled closer and pressed against him. Nothing. No response below at all.

Now my body was tense and there would be no release in sight.

The ex-wife’s picture that I’d found earlier once again zinged through my mind. His ex-wife must have something to do with our problems. When James released my mouth I blurted, “Have you heard from Charlotte?”

James stepped back, brushing the hair from his forehead.
“What in the heck are you bringing her up for?”

My husband
’s passion fizzled visibly before me until only irritation remained on his gorgeous, but unhappy face.

“
Oh, I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Just thought I’d ask.”

“
Okay, then, no, I haven’t.” He stared at me with a questioning look.

“
You sure?” I frowned at him and dared him to lie to me.

“
Yeah, I’m sure. I don’t have anything to do with her. You know that.” He turned away from me and avoided eye contact. With an exasperated sigh, he turned back. “That’s not exactly true, Hope. I
have
heard from her. It’s been about five or six months now, but she wrote me a note. I haven’t written back.”

My mouth hung open. He
’d told me the truth.

And I hadn
’t a clue what to say in response.

Chapter 7

After swallowing hard and thinking about what I should say, I decided to be straightforward about my suspicions. “Can I see it?”

“
See what?” James tensed.

“
The note. Can I see the note she sent you?” I held out my hand.

He watched me closely, his hands now stuffed in his pockets. He always did that when he was nervous. Probably to keep his hands from shaking.

“Why? Do you think I still have it?”

“
Do you?” Leaning toward him, with my eyes I dared him to lie. If he didn’t tell me the truth, I’d keep my own secrets. This was serious business. It could make us or break us. Right here, right now.

With a defeated sigh, James entered our bedroom. I heard him open his drawer. He emerged with an envelope and handed it to me. My mouth fell open as I stared at the note. Peering inside I noticed the picture was missing.

And I saw red!

“
This isn’t all of it.” I shoved the note back at him.

“
You knew I had more?” He snatched the note from me and tore it up, dropping scraps of the note to the floor, like paper snowflakes. “There’s your note.” He scowled. “You are a liar, Hope. You could’ve told me you already knew I had it.”

James looked over my shoulder. I turned to see what had caught his eye and saw our son staring at us. Tears streamed down his cheeks.
“Don’t you guys love each other any more?”

His question felt like a drop-kick in the gut. I doubled over and grabbed my stomach. Then I threw my arms open.
“Don’t cry, Jimmy. We’ll work it out.”

Jimmy ran into my arms.

James swore, then grabbed his coat and his keys and stormed out of the house. He slammed the door so hard a picture frame crashed to the floor.

Our son sobbed harder and clung to me. I felt my shoulder moisten with his tears and gritted my teeth. I didn
’t want my son to go through this. But I couldn’t stop the tidal wave of misery crashing over my family. I couldn’t make it better.

I entered the front room to inspect the damage. Reaching down, I lifted a family photo of the three of us from the floor. My hands shook.
“Jimmy, can you get me a broom. And be careful. There’s glass on the floor.”

“
Okay, Mommy.”

Within minutes we
’d cleaned the entire floor. If only I could do the same with our little family. If I could just figure out a way to put the pieces back together. But unless something drastically changed, I didn’t see a way out.

All I knew was I needed to survive.

I had to. For Jimmy.

*****

I’m not sure when James returned home that night. Poor Jimmy was so upset he asked if he could sleep in my bed. I figured it was large enough for the three of us, not that James would climb in with Jimmy there. He’d rather sleep in the other room.

After showering, I woke Jimmy and made his lunch while he got ready for school. As I waited for him to finish his cereal, I peeked in the back bedroom to see if James was there. I peered through the crack in the door. He sat up on the bed reading his Bible.

“Morning,” I said.

He glanced up, nodded, then returned to his reading. I don
’t know if he slept last night or not, but regardless, he needed to get out the door soon or he’d be late for work.

“
Want me to make you something to eat real quick?” I asked.

James nodded.

“Two eggs good? With some bacon and juice?”

He shrugged and looked up at me wearing a miserable expression.

I went into the kitchen and prepared him breakfast. James emerged from the back room fully dressed for work. Jimmy smiled and tackled his dad right before I ushered him toward the door to get his bus.

Tears filled James
’s eyes when our son hollered, “I love you, Dad. Love you, Mom.” Then he ran out the door, lunch in hand, and sped to the end of the road to catch his school bus.

After serving James his breakfast of bacon, eggs, and grits, I pulled up a chair and poked at my eggs. The aroma of my favorite breakfast made my stomach rumble in an uncomfortable way. The stress in our home was really killing my appetite.

James wolfed down his food, so apparently it hadn’t effected his at all. “Delicious, Hope. Thank you.”

“
Want to talk about it?” I asked, watching my husband closely to see how far I could push the conversation before it got out of hand.

“
Maybe after work. I’m calling the pastor today. We can’t go on like this, Hope. We need help, and I see that now.” James rubbed his face and peered deep into my eyes. “I love you so much, but I feel like I’m losing you. I don’t know what to do.”

Guilt knotted my throat. Rather than speaking, I wrapped my arms around his neck and sat on his lap. I rested my head on his shoulder. His shoulders shook and I knew he was crying. My husband rarely cried, so whatever was bothering him must be tearing his heart out.
“I saw her, Hope. When you were in L.A.”

My body stiffened. He saw her? Was he talking about his ex? I was gone for less than a week
…and he saw her?

“
She stopped by the house when you weren’t home. Jimmy was at a friend’s.”

I slid from his lap and eased onto the chair next to him.
“And…?”

“
Nothing happened.” The look on his face confused me. His expression suggested he spoke the truth. But he was a man and she was gorgeous.

“
Nothing…happened?” Our sexual troubles coincided with that time frame. She came over, and he hid that from me. He secretly kept a nude photo of his ex in his drawer. How was that nothing?

“
I meant nothing
big
happened. She wanted to talk and apologize for cheating on me when we were married. I guess the man she’d left me for divorced her for someone else. I told her I wasn’t interested. Then she sent me the note.”

“
Did you talk to her after that?” My voice sounded scratchy.

“
She left messages. I never called back. It was too much temptation for me.”

Oh, boy. He had resisted temptation
, and I hadn’t. That was, if he spoke the truth.

“
I find it hard to believe that she didn’t try something with you. Canada is not exactly close by. She had to have driven half the day to get here.”

“
She wanted to spend the night. I sent her away. Honestly, Hope. The guilt has been eating at me all this time. I should’ve told you before. I’m sorry.”

I could tell from the look in his eyes that he meant every word. But why did I get the impression there was more to the story?

“So you didn’t know she was coming over and she just popped in when Jimmy just so happened to be at a friend’s house?” Clenching my fists, I rested my hands on my legs, my nails digging into my palms.

“
She called first. I sent Jimmy to his friend’s house so we could talk. Until I saw her again, I didn’t realize I still had feelings for her.”

Okay, now that made me cry. I covered my face and hunched over my legs.

“Hope.” James pulled me close. “I should’ve told you. I’m sorry.” His voice croaked. “At least we didn’t do anything. She was pretty mad when she left. I think she hoped the picture would get my attention and I’d call her. But I didn’t. I won’t.”

Raising my head, I knew my eyes must look swollen.
“So why keep the picture?”

Exasperated, James rubbed his head.
“I don’t know. Maybe in case you lost interest in me. I wasn’t thinking. But I’ve gotten rid of it, Hope. I burned it last night.”

I had no choice but to believe him. I knew the letter and envelope were gone since he
’d torn them up right in front of me. James may be a bit of a tease, but he was otherwise an honest, hard-working man.

“
Thank you,” I whispered.

James drew me into his arms again for a brief hug. He sucked in a deep breath and released it.
“Wow, confession really is good for the soul. I feel better already.”

He tweaked my chin, then kissed me briefly on the lips.
“I’ll see you tonight. I have to leave now or I’ll be late for work.”

Then he was gone.

*****

At ten thirty I seriously debated on whether or not I should still keep my
“date” with Tony. After all, I technically couldn’t call him to cancel, since he’d told me not to, but I didn’t want to stiff him either. So I did the lesser of two evils and called.

“
This is Tony.” His sexy accent made me shiver. It always made me shiver.

“
Hey.” That was all I could get out. My throat closed up. Tears rolled down my cheeks.

“
You there? Hope?” His voice sounded concerned. “Is there problem? I know you would not call me on phone unless there is problem.”

“
I…I don’t think I should come over today. I just wanted to let you know.” There. I’d gotten it out. This had to end. God knows I didn’t want it to, and I was weakening by the minute. Something about Tony just drew me. But I had to be strong.

“
Oh, but I look forward to seeing you. I miss you. I will move in a month and never see you again. Is anything I can do for changing your mind?”

“
I don’t think so.” My breath hitched and my chest pounded as I waited for his response. I was so close to changing my mind and seeing him that even a little bit of encouragement on his end would tip the scales in his favor.

“
What if I promise this be the last time we make love? Would that change your mind for you? I just want to be inside you one more time,
Bella Speranza
. Please?” His voice deepened and I could hear the desire in his words. Drat, I wanted to see him regardless of my effort to the contrary. I could feel his kisses, his touch…in my mind.

“
Okay. But just this once. No more after this. I can’t keep seeing you.” I sighed.

“
Is great. I be here waiting. Please, hurry.” The purr in his voice made my body throb.

Without considering the consequences, I touched up my makeup in the mirror, pulled on a jacket, grabbed my purse and keys, and drove to Tony
’s house.

For some reason, knowing this would never happen again made me want to enjoy it all the more. Before I stepped inside Tony
’s house, every inch of me longed for him. He sat on his leather couch and patted the cushion. “Tell me what bothers you, Hope.”

I sat beside him, willing myself to be honest and not cry.
“I think my husband is coming around. He wants to get help.”

Sadness appeared in Tony
’s eyes. “Is that why you no longer want to see me?”

“
Yes…no…I don’t know.” I exhaled deeply at the intensity of his gaze. “Of course I want to see you, but it’s wrong.”

Tony touched my cheek.
“But it feels so right.” Leaning toward me, he drew me into a lazy, heady kiss that sent all of my senses on edge. Something forbidden always seemed so much sweeter. And I was tangled in the sticky web of his passion.

My breathing grew heavy as I removed my clothing. He prepared himself for our encounter and I watched with longing, wishing my husband responded to me physically like Tony did. Why couldn
’t Tony be my James?

Or James want me like Tony obviously did
…

Shoving that thought from my mind, I grabbed his hand to lead him to the bedroom. He shook his head.
“Stay here…stay with me.”

When I realized what he wanted to do
, I became drunk with desire and climbed on his lap. The sensation of him inside me was more powerful than a narcotic drug and I gently rocked on his lap until he couldn’t handle it anymore.

He writhed under me and the sexy look in his blazing eyes made me want him all the more. Maybe it was lust, maybe it wasn
’t. But whatever that look meant, I wanted to see it again. I adjusted my position and we cuddled like that for a good ten minutes before he said anything. “I wish I not have to move to Michigan now. It will be so hard for me because you make me so happy.”

That struck me as ironic, because seeing him
—as exciting as it had been—felt like it was ripping my life apart. “Well, you make me miserable.”

Tony
’s eyes grew wide. “How is this so?”

“
I’ll be honest with you, Tony. I love my husband more than anyone, but the more we do this, the stronger my feelings are for you. It’s so wrong. It’s confusing, and I hate this feeling.” I dropped my head to his shoulder and sighed, trying hard not to cry.