Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (4 page)

“
I don’t know, Tony. It could be…difficult to meet in person, you know?”

“
No, Hope. Would be great to see you. I…I long to see you,
Bella Speranza
.”

That caught me by surprise, but I liked it that he longed to see me. I wanted to be longed for. So why didn
’t my husband get it? He’s the one I wanted the attention from, but honestly, I was so frustrated by his lack of interest every single night that Tony’s offer suddenly seemed wonderful.

“
Okay, I’ll meet you tomorrow. I’ll be waiting at the end of Miller Road by the mailboxes. At noon. And I can’t stay long. Not unless my husband decides to go for a long ride in his off road vehicle.”

“
I hope he goes off road so we can talk,
Bella Speranza
.” His voice grew husky. “I look forward to see you.”

“
Yeah, me, um, too.” Swallowing hard, I hung up the phone and wondered if I was getting myself in too deep. But I said I’d meet him there, and I would. Besides, we’d just talk. He knew it, and I knew it. Talking, we’d stick to talking.

*****

The next morning he met me where I said I’d be.

I
’d arrived first.

Part of me had hoped he wouldn
’t show up. It seemed wrong meeting at the end of a deserted country road, but I didn’t want to be seen by anyone I knew and this was the only thing I could think of that would be safe for us both. Someone might get the wrong idea if they saw us sitting in his truck or my SUV, so we needed to be out of the public eye. Just for a few minutes.

He drove down the dirt road
, and I followed him. My heart raced along until I thought I’d get sick. What if someone did see us? The town wasn’t that big, so I figured the further from houses, the better.

At the end of the road, he parked.

“Hey,” he grinned and hopped out of his vehicle. Walking over to me, he smiled. His gaze heated and grew intense.

My heart pounded as I exited my vehicle and leaned against the door of my SUV.  I watched him draw closer. Things transpired as if in slow motion. I was terrified. It sounds silly, I know, but my attraction to this man really had me worried.  As it should.

“You look very beautiful.” His eyes scanned the length of me and then settled on my mouth. I saw the unmistakable hunger in his eyes. I knew he wanted to kiss me.

I opened my mouth to respond, and his lips were on mine
…that fast! With a moan, I kissed him back. I had hoped that if we kissed it would feel like I was kissing my brother. But unfortunately that wasn’t the case. I sank deeper into the moment and ran my fingers through the short hair on the nape of his neck.

When he came up for air, he smiled and searched my eyes. A million thoughts went through my head. The most pressing thought was that I
’d already committed adultery in my mind, and now with my lips. I couldn’t take it back.

The deed was done.

This little voice inside my head said I should get all I could from this man while I still had the chance. Tony wanted me and I yearned to be desired like that. In fact, he wanted me so much I could feel the hardness through his pants as he pressed against me and dove on my mouth for another kiss.

That was beyond exciting. I hadn
’t felt my husband’s arousal like that in almost a year, and until that moment I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed it.

How hungry I
’d been.

Which had obviously led me
to this place. This wonderful, frightening, no-man’s land where everything I believed became skewed by my intense physical desires.

Tony cradled my face, then kissed my neck. I shivered with delight.

He pressed against me and one of his hands slid under my shirt and stroked my skin. My breathing intensified as I set aside my convictions to indulge in the moment.

I should
’ve stopped him there. I know it now. Actually, I knew it even then. But my body was on fire and I was starving for attention from a man.

Tony was willing to give me what I craved. It was as simple as that.

He nudged me toward his truck and opened the cab. Crawling inside, he waved for me to follow him. The desire in his eyes and his intentions were clear. My mouth went dry. He had blankets laid out in the bed of the truck.

“
You planned this?” I asked, bewildered, yet excited at the thought of what was to come. I wanted him as much as he wanted me.

“
Oh, I hoped for this. Come here, beautiful Hope.” His words drew me like honey, and I was the hungry momma bear. Without considering how it looked, I followed his lead. Once inside, he pulled me against him again. The scent of his skin intoxicated me, and I became drunk on the forbidden wine of his passion.

Things heated up and I grew afraid.
“Wait. I…I can’t. I could get pregnant. My husband, he’s fixed, but I’m not.”

“
Is no problem.” Chest heaving, he grinned and showed me something in a square packet that would take care of the issue. Part of me sighed with relief, and the other part asked myself what in the world I was thinking getting into the back of a truck with a man I barely knew, and to get laid! It even
sounds
cheesy as I describe it. But I did it.

God help me, I did.

And it was wonderful, and sinful, and I hated myself for it.

Chapter 3

We separated about an hour later (yes, it went on and on.) But in my mind, this was it. No more. I’d had my taste of the forbidden fruit, and though I craved more, I wouldn’t give in to the desire again. I couldn’t.

It was bad enough that I had to figure out a way to tell my husband that I was now a fallen woman, tainted, no longer the faithful wife. The weird part was that I didn
’t think he’d believe me.

Why? Because it
’s just not me.

Was not me
…

Oh God, what have I done?

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I drove home, determined to make it up to my husband. I’d be more attentive, anything. And then he wasn’t even home. I found a note on the counter.
Took Jimmy to the lake, see you tonight.

With trembling hands I returned the paper to the counter. Jimmy. What would my son think of me? Would he lose respect for me? Have I ruined my child for life?

Millions of scenarios zinged through my head until I had to literally close my eyes and yell, “Stop!” Looking around me, I realized how crazy that must’ve sounded, so I was truly glad no one but me heard my outburst.

I knew I should go to the Lord and confess what I
’d done. But I just couldn’t do it and be sincere, because I had enjoyed every minute of my sin. Plus, I convinced myself that He wouldn’t hear my prayer.

Then it came to me
… I remembered feeling pretty smug about the fact that my husband’s prior two wives had both cheated on him, resulting in divorce. I knew I’d never cheat on him.

I was different.

But was I really? Not anymore.

Anger at myself, then at my husband stirred up in me until I felt like hitting something, anything. Maybe they
’d had a reason to cheat on him. Maybe this was something that had happened before in his other marriages.

I knew no one got divorced without sufficient reason. Maybe his lack of attention had caused them to stray.
And for once I had compassion for both ex-wives. I could see how they could become desperate enough to reach out to someone else. After all, I had. Me, who thought people who’d done those things couldn’t possibly be “Christian”.

Thoughts of a former pastor of ours who left his wife for a mutual friend passed through my mind. I remembered wondering what a man who
’d been a pastor his entire life would do the first Sunday after his affair began. I had wept for him then. I wept for myself now.

Determined to cope with this new revelation about myself, I searched deep within me to find the strength to come clean. Opening the Bible, I skimmed until I landed on a verse that said,
“I despise my life.”

I closed the book.

For some reason the self-deprecating verses were all I could see when I searched God’s Word. So I decided to call my friend.

“
Jenna? You there?” I spoke into the answering machine.

“
Hope?” I heard the tiredness in her voice. I must’ve woken her from one of her many naps. Jenna had some health problems that were draining her energy. So why was I burdening her with my problems?

Because she listened, and I needed an ear. I wished I could talk to Angela, my best friend from church, but she and her husband loved James, so it would be too scary. I wasn
’t sure how to tell her and it would kill her to know our marriage was in trouble.

So I had to tell Jenna. My words came out in a strangled rush.
“I did it.”

“
What? You did what?” Her voice grew strong, alert. I could imagine her sitting straight up.

“
I did it. With him.” My heart raced, but I’d told someone the truth. It was a start.

“
Oh my word. Did I hear you right?”

“
Yeah.” I nodded, tears streaming down.

“
Whoa.” Silence lingered for what seemed like minutes.

“
I…I need to talk.” Wiping my nose with a tissue, I eased onto a chair.

“
I’m listening.” Worry evident in her voice, I knew she cared, and she wouldn’t judge me over my foolishness.

“
I met him this afternoon…on the end of a dirt road. We got in his truck…”

“
Hold on a minute. You got in his truck? To do what? Drive somewhere?”

“
To…you know…” Holding my breath, I waited for a response.

“
Holy cow, in his truck?” Astonishment in her voice told me she found it about as unbelievable as I had.

It did sound outrageous, and cheesy. I felt like a sleazy teenager describing it now. But I
’d tell her the truth. I needed to let it out of me.

“
Yeah, he had a cab on his truck and blankets in back and everything.”

“
He planned it?”

Her shocked tone made me wince. I was so na
ïve. “Yeah, he said he’d hoped for it. I guess I gave in a little too easy, huh?”

“
Well, given all you’ve told me about your lack of sex at home, it’s not totally unbelievable. So what are you going to do?”

“
I’m going to tell my husband. Tonight.” Closing my eyes, I wished it to be true.
Please, God, help me to do this. Even though I’m not sure You’re listening to my cry for help, I need You.

“
You’re braver than I’d be right now. I can’t believe you actually did it.” The compassion in her tone was evident regardless of her comment. I knew she loved me still.

“
Pray for me? Please?” I pleaded.

“
Of course. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t pray for you?”

“
Thank you.” Closing my eyes, I felt relief surge through me. Someone would pray.

“
Hope, I’m just curious. What was it like? I mean was it better than with your husband? The sex?”

My mind returned to that steamy encounter in his truck. No, my husband was better, but only because I loved him. Sure, Tony could perform, and my body loved every minute of it. But the emotional piece was missing.

“In some ways yes, in others no.”

“
What do you mean?”

“
I love my husband, even though he can’t seem to make love to me. I don’t love Tony. I don’t know what I feel for him. Just attraction. And my body loved the attention. It was fabulous. He performed like he had tons of experience. Man, that’s the worst part. I told him when we were done that I had hoped if he kissed me, it would’ve felt like I was kissing my brother. But it didn’t.”

“
What did he say?” Jenna was truly curious. I could tell by her voice.

“
He laughed and said that was great. I told him it was terrible. He looked worried that I meant his performance.” I chuckled. “But I reassured him that part was wonderful. I told him that it was terrible because I enjoyed it so much. I’m terrible…” I sobbed.

“
You are
not
terrible. What you did was wrong, but you were hurting. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Just confess it and move on.”

“
I don’t see how that’s possible. I can’t undo any of it. In fact, I’m not so sure given the lack of sex in my marriage that I wouldn’t do it again. I
need
this right now, and my own husband won’t give me what I need. I haven’t felt him inside me in
so
long. And I don’t want to take care of myself. So no matter what I do, it feels wrong. All of it.”

“
I feel bad for you, Hope. I do.” Jenna’s voice sounded tight.

“
That’s okay. Just keep praying. I’ll tell him tonight. Right now I’m going to take a nap.” Ruffling my bangs with my fingers, I sighed.

“
Talk to you later, then. Love you, girl.” Jenna hung up.

Putting the phone back in the holder, I stared for several minutes. A nap would be good. That way I could forget for awhile. Then maybe when I woke up, my husband would be home and we could talk about it.

So I lay down and closed my eyes. But visions of Tony slowly stepping toward me and kissing me with such passion kept playing in my head over and over, until I grew sexually frustrated.

A shower. That
’s what I needed.

I got up and turned on the hot water. Maybe I could burn away the ache in me.

I glanced in the mirror before I stepped into the stall. I did look pretty good. So why didn’t my husband want me? Why did he turn away when I walked by him without my clothes on, obviously inviting him to partake? What was so wrong with me that he had no desire for my body anymore? I didn’t know the answer, but I grieved the loss.

My skin heated as the extremely hot water reddened my skin.

As I stepped out of the shower I heard the back door open, so I grabbed a towel and quickly wrapped it around my wet body. Grabbing a comb from the counter, I ran it through my hair.

A tap on the door, and my husband entered the bathroom.

The sudden noise had made me drop my comb. When I bent down to pick it up, my towel fell off. I decided to leave it on the floor and finish combing my hair. Let him look at me and see what he’s missing.

Glancing at him in the mirror, I saw sadness in his eyes as he stepped closer. Did he know?

His hand stroked my back side and I thought I’d burst with joy. My skin tingled at his warm touch. The feel of Tony’s hands on me paled in comparison.

I turned to kiss him and wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing against him.

He broke the kiss and gently pushed me away. “I have reservations. We’re going to dinner in thirty minutes. We can do this later.”

Then he walked out.

Stunned, I wondered how dinner could taste better than me. A lump formed in my throat as I remembered my resolution. I will honor him. Besides, this could be a God-thing. Maybe telling him in a restaurant would be the safest place. No way would he explode in anger if other people were there to witness it.

I dressed quickly. My husband whistled at me and smiled.

My heart warmed. Then I thought about our son. I couldn’t tell my husband with Jimmy sitting next to us. That would be a big mistake.

Jimmy ran into the kitchen and said,
“I’m ready.” He had his backpack on and wore a huge grin.

“
What’s with the backpack, Son?”

“
I’m staying over at Mark’s tonight, right, Dad?”

“
Yep, Sport, you are.” My husband touched my shoulder and led me out the door.

After dropping Jimmy off at his friend
’s house, I started to tense up. My stomach had developed some serious cramps and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to eat a bit of dinner. Forcing my mind to think about other things, I grabbed his hand as we drove. When his thumb stroked my knuckles, the tears started tumbling down.

He pulled into the parking lot and noticed my grief.
“What’s going on, Hope? You sad about losing your parents?”

It struck me that ten years ago on this very day my parents were both killed in a car accident. The money they
’d left me paid for our house, but I’d rather have my parents alive and live in a shack. “I guess I am,” I replied with some hesitation.

“
Come here.” My husband hugged me, and I cried harder. Why did he have to show me affection now? The same day I’d made love with someone else. I loathed myself even more, if that were possible. What was I going to do?

At least if he decided to leave me, our son wouldn
’t be home to hear the fight.

James whispered in my ear, his warm breath sending delicious shivers down my spine.
“I love you, Hope.”

This intense craving for physical contact was still new to me, but I liked it. If I could just tame my urges and direct them only toward my husband
…

“
I love you, too.” I sobbed on his shoulder.

“
We don’t have to go in there to eat if you’re not feeling up to it.”

I eased away from him and wiped my eyes.
“That’s okay. I’ll pull myself together.”

“
I didn’t mean to make you cry. I just know how hard this week is for you every year, and I know I haven’t been the best husband these days. So I thought we could talk about it over dinner.” He touched my cheek, and I knew the husband I longed for was back, if only for this moment.

Once I told him what I
’d done, he would never forgive me. It would be hard, but I had to get it out. I had to come clean.

So I kissed him tenderly. He kissed me back and his tongue explored my mouth with a gentle passion that I
’d missed.